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11 Things You Must Do To Avoid Crippling Your Child

11 Things You Must Do To Avoid Crippling Your Child

I know how you feel. I know that creeping doubt in your mind that eats at you, asking whether the things you do to your child will harm him in some way.

There is so much information out there about child-rearing but honestly, it misses the mark. Somewhere there MUST be some true information that will explain what is happening in the parent/child relationship that will help it all make sense.

There are some basic misunderstandings that parents have and once you clear them up, you will have a better understanding of your child. And it is understanding that makes relationships work.

1. Realize who your child is.

Have you heard this quote? “You are a ghost driving a meat covered skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?”

I don’t know who said it. It is a big mystery but it has been circulating wildly around the internet and it resonates with people because there is truth to the statement.

Somewhere along the way, the idea surfaced that we are all animals, born from meat and bones and basically just meat-bags rolling around doing what animalistic meat-bags do. This is a relatively new and highly degrading viewpoint that leads to confusion in human relations.

This explanation simply doesn’t fly. If it did, the methods that we have been sold to help us understand and handle our children correctly would work and they don’t. Methods only work when your basic information is correct.

In the beginning, your child is someone who has recently woken up in a brand new, tiny body not knowing anything about this body and how it works. His first days and weeks are spent trying to figure out, where he is, what is happening, what his body is, and what does he have to do to make it work?

The following weeks are spent figuring out which muscles allow him to raise his head, move his fingers and what groups of muscles he must use to turn over and do a million other combinations of movements that will move his body the way he wants it to move.

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He has no way of communicating other than crying, so he cannot communicate effectively with you or anyone else. This is a huge source of frustration for him.

As he grows, he must learn the laws of the physical universe such as gravity. He has no idea that when he lets go of his balloon string, it will fly away. He struggles to make sense of this because he let go of his apple last week and it fell down. All he had to do was pick it up again.

Why does the balloon fly away when the apple doesn’t?

Everything he does in the physical universe is subject to these laws and they seem to contradict each other at times. Additionally, once he gets used to his body being a certain size, it changes and he has to figure it out all over again. This continues until he is grown.

On top of that, at a certain age, his body starts going overboard manufacturing hormones which greatly affect his emotions. Suddenly he seems to have no control over them and thinks he is going crazy. It is a very confusing time.

Children are not small animals. They are more aware than any science has ever taught us. The calculations they must make to get used to the body, hold a knife and fork and use their mouths to form words are staggering. Yet somehow they figure it out and get themselves up and moving.

2. Understand that your child is bombarded with way too much information every day.

From learning how things work, to acquiring a language, to understanding how people interact, your child has so much random information thrown at him every day that sometimes it is too much.

When I was in my teens I lived in Belgium and I was enrolled in a French school where no English was spoken. Every day, I did my best to keep up and every night I went to bed with my head swimming with French phrases and school subjects that I now had to learn in another language.

Additionally, the culture was different. I was mortified every time I did something socially incorrect. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. I had melt downs, but I had them in private.

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Children don’t do that. Sometimes they have their melt downs in the middle of the grocery store. Understand where that frustration comes from and be patient and loving when your child has had enough.

3. Create areas of agreement with your child.

The creation of areas of agreement by communicating with your child is a very profitable tool in the creation of a good relationship that lasts a lifetime.

This entails listening to your child when he talks to you about things that are important to him. It doesn’t matter whether you feel his ideas are important to you or not. If you make him feel that his interests are stupid, petty or not worth noticing, you are creating areas of disagreement and creating an upset child.

Let him talk to you about his video games and his friends. Let your daughter talk to you about her favorite stories. If you do this and take a real interest in what they are talking to you about, you create bonds.

4. Do not talk to your child in a way you would not talk to an adult.

Children are adults in training. They are little interns in the subject of life, learning what they need to know to get by. Despite what some “experts” may tell you, they are not born stupid or bad. They are really trying their best every day to make you proud.

If you comment in a positive way about the things they do, you will see that they start to do them more and more. Kids and even adults will do more of what they are complimented on. If you ignore most bad behavior and compliment good behavior, you will get more good behavior.

If an adult were communicated to in the way many children are communicated to, he or she would be furious and rightfully so! Children do not like being treated poorly any more than adults, and if you want a good bond with your child you will not insult or belittle him.

Listen to yourself and see if your words would be offensive if someone else were saying them to you. If so, choose different words.

5. Do not take your child on errands when he is tired or hungry.

If you do this you are begging for a melt down.

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Do you remember the last time you were in a grocery store, tired and hungry? Were you frustrated? If you had the chance to grab something off the shelf and eat it right then, would you have? Honestly, I have almost done so in the cookie aisle a few times.

That brings me to my next point, feed yourself before you go! Don’t go around tired and hungry. You need to keep your spirits up when raising a child. Take good care of yourself so that you have energy and patience to give to your child.

6. Teach your child compassion by being compassionate.

Compassion is simply being willing to take another’s viewpoint when he or she is suffering. If your child is upset, there is a reason. He is tired, hungry, suffered a loss or had an upset somewhere along the line. To him, these are terrible things.

He needs someone to hold him and agree that whatever occurred to him was ‘sucky.’ This agreement alone will make him feel better. Don’t point out what he did wrong or tell him what he should have done differently, just agree that it sucked. That is all it takes.

Children who are treated with love and patience tend to be more compassionate than those who have been pulled and hauled around, yelled at, and belittled.

7. Teach your child to be compassionate to pets and all life forms.

Let him know that animals have feelings and emotions and need love and care. He needs to understand that as a person, he has a duty to ensure that all living beings are cared for.

Let him see you help other people and say nice things about the people around you when your child is present. Indicate that people are mostly good and say nice things about them making them more real to your child. He will grow up with the idea that he is one of them.

If you say bad things about your neighbors, you give him the idea that he is different and they are inferior. This idea will hold him back in life and cause confusion in his mind about how to deal with others.

8. Don’t pass your issues to your child.

I once knew a woman who had an eating disorder and badgered her daughter so much that her daughter almost became anorexic. Understand that your demons are your demons and do not pass them along to your child.

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Manage your stress so that you don’t explode in anger around him. Take care of yourself so that you can care for him happily and without strain.

9. Never say or do anything that would make your child think that he is stupid.

When a child hears that he is stupid over and over again from a parent, sooner or later he will agree. When that happens, you have ruined him. Nothing is more crippling to a child than his own belief that he is stupid or cannot learn.

10. Understand when your child owns something, it is his to direct or control as he sees fit.

If you give your child something or if he earns it, understand that it is now his to do with as he pleases. I know there is a big deal about “sharing” in this society, but consider this concept. How would you feel if you recently purchased a nice new car and your boss forced you to “share it” with your co-workers. Or what if you bought a new pair of shoes that you love and you find your sister wearing them. When you protested, everyone told you that you were bad because you didn’t know how to share? Would you be upset?

Where did this idea come from? If you have something, it is yours. You can let someone use it if you want to but it is up to you. Why do we force our children to share their things? How could we think that this concept would be ok with them when we would be upset if it were forced on us?

11. Defend your child.

Never take others’ words when they criticize your child. People say things to cover themselves; and it is easier to blame a child than to take the heat when they mess up.

As an example, when my son was four years old, he was waiting outside of the classroom for his daycare provider who was late. The school secretary told all kids to get on the bus without checking to see if my son should have even been on that bus. My son did as he was told. At the end of the line, the bus driver told him to get out. No one was there to pick him up and he was left at a bus stop miles away from school in a sketchy part of town until another mother saw him and brought him back to school.

For over half an hour I had no idea where he was. I was sure he was gone. When I confronted school officials and the daycare provider about this huge blunder that almost cost me my child, they had the gall to blame my four-year-old son. They told me he should have known that he wasn’t supposed to be on that bus.

I learned the school had lost another kid the week before, nobody was upset, and in the end he was found. In the end, I was told that my son needed to work on his “refusal skills.”

Of all of the school officials and people who should have taken responsibility, the kindergarten teacher called me to apologize. The rest blamed my four-year-old son. Obviously this is an abomination but the attitude of complete abdication of responsibility is epidemic in every public school I have come into contact with.

Your child is the most precious thing you will ever have. He is an adult in a small and unfamiliar body forced into a universe that is completely new to him. He is not stupid. He has feelings and ideas from day one. He remembers things and he can be affected by negative behavior from the moment he is born.

And he places his absolute trust and love in YOU. Keep these things in mind as you interact with him. Knowing and recognizing your child for who he is, is the missing step in fully understanding him and raising him in a way that will be healthy and happy for you both.

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Published on October 7, 2019

4 Types of Toxic People and How to Deal with Them

4 Types of Toxic People and How to Deal with Them

Can a person really be toxic? Well, a toxic person does not refer to those who are affected by the virus or toxic. To be precise, toxic people are those who are very unsupportive, abusive and unhealthy in nature. Their behavior is filled with venom and you will not feel any sort of gentle breeze in their words.

In this article, you will learn how to spot out a toxic person, and what you can do to deal with them.

Signs of Toxic People

To make it more obvious, I have added some signs of toxic people below.

Manipulative Behavior And Fabricated Mind

Toxic people are unable to deal with the bitter truth firmly. If you are going to blurt out their fabrications with proof, they will try to change the whole matter with their manipulative behavior. They will titillate you with sensitive words or they will try to frighten you to get rid of the problems.

Inhuman And Merciless in Nature

We know that sharing our thoughts with friends will keep us in good mental state. But, if you are not getting fruitful outcomes, you have to understand that you are spending time with toxic friends.

Toxic people do not know how to put themselves in other’s shoes. They just put on a mask of simplicity. But, in reality, they don’t have feelings for you. Therefore, you should stop sharing your valuable time with them as you will get nothing except annoyance and silence.

Hypocrisy at Its Best in Their Nature

Toxic people have a great hunger for respect, adoration, and fidelity. After dignifying them with these valuable elements, you will get nothing; you will be cheated, manipulated and criticized by them. And, if you are not willing to listen to them, you will be controlled by guilt-tripping.

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Emotional Outburst And Pathological Excuses

Toxic people always want to see themselves in the positive end. Therefore, to get their job done, they always have an emotional outburst and emotional excuse to make an impulsive impression upon you.

We do mistakes and it is our duty to accept those mistakes. But, toxic people have their own rules, they have a tendency to present themselves rationally even after committing a mistake. If someone tries to expose themselves with facts, they show no embarrassment and use emotional excuses as a shield.

Play with Your Emotion And Gradually Erode It

Toxic people always try to condescend you with critical jokes and when you try to elicit your thoughts, they just burst out laughing. Teasing becomes an important element in your relationship with toxic person. They even give you backhanded compliments to belittle you.

Thus, using their toxic mindset, they just gradually diminish your abilities as well as intelligence. And you will have nothing left in your hand other than putting up with these things to maintain the silence.

Well, you probably might have not seen all these signs in one person as there are different types of toxic people roaming around you.

4 Types of Toxic People

To understand it better, I’m mentioning the different types of toxic people here.

1. Conversational Narcissist

There are some toxic people who do not know how to give importance to others. They will talk about themselves but never ask you about your condition; they will only recall you when they need you or they are facing some sort of problems.

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2. Emotional Vampires

These vampires do not suck your blood but dissipate your emotion. They always talk negatively about everyone and compel you to think in the same pattern that they follow. They mask themselves in such a way in front of you that you gradually start giving importance to them. But, ultimately, you will not get any positive outcome from them.

3. Monsters with Green eyes

As discussed earlier, toxic people will give you backhanded compliments. Basically, these are called monsters with green eyes. These monsters feel happy when you feel sad. Therefore, they will always try to belittle your achievements, intelligence, and strengths. Along with it, they give compliments with some negativity in it.

4. Black-Eyed Cats

These cats always do mew-mew and try to control everything around them. They love to be pampered but, they do not like if someone goes against them.

If you are in a relationship with such persons, you will be nagged until you are giving them complete satisfaction. In a nutshell, it must be said that you have to align yourself with them if you want to live with them. But, ultimately, you will lose your mental, conversational and emotional freedom.

How to Deal with Toxic People

Living with problems is more convenient than living with toxic people. But, toxic people are parasites and therefore, you will see these monsters rambling around you wherever you go.

However, if you know how to deal with them, it would be very helpful for you and your life would be much easier to live. We have added some tips to assist you, just check these out.

Get Rid of Intermittent Reinforcement

We are very optimistic in nature and over the time, this optimism has reached to such a level that we can happily put up with the ‘close losses’ instead of trying to catch the ‘near wins’.

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B.F Skinner once did an experiment with three rats. He put them in different cages attached with levers. The lever delivered food when it was pressed. In the 1st cage, the lever always delivered food when the rat pressed it. In case of the 2nd cage, food was never delivered by the lever even after pressing it, therefore, the rat understood the lesson and never tried to get food. But, in the third cage, the lever delivered food randomly and as a result, the rat was completely hooked and fixated. He constantly pushed it but didn’t get the food always.

Well, this is called intermittent relationship and the same thing happens in human relationships where toxic people give you intermittent reinforcement and your heart gets pumped up with optimism. As a result, you will be hooked and your life will be fixated at some point with toxic people.

You should learn to move on without them and live your life happily because random happiness cannot bring permanent relief.

Never Make Too Many Allowances And Pardons

Well, sympathetic attitude is very good and it is also a fact that sometimes toxic people suffer from genuine depression, physical as well as mental illness. But, you have to set a boundary and you cannot allow people to get away with anything so easily.

If you make too many allowances as well as pardons, it would not be good for you in the long-term. Yes, there are some people who are facing extreme hardships and they are not even toxic in nature. But, all you can do is show some genuine compassion keeping yourself within the boundaries.

Always Try to Ignore Their Toxic Traps

Demotivational words are the primary weapon that they frequently use in their implications to detract you. Along with this, they throw words in such a way that you start feeling guilty. Well, you must understand that these are just toxic traps and you should not step on it.

Always remember that you will have full access to freedom if you stop taking things personally. They not only do this with you but also with everyone. You just have to keep in mind that these toxic words are not based on truth but on their own mental reproduction. So, you just have to ignore this and focus on your work.

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Show Them Your Beautiful Smile Not the Curves on Your Forehead

Toxic people have an aptitude to attack mentally, mock disgracefully and diminish shamefully. But, you will not be affected if you don’t surrender yourself. Show them that you are not getting belittled or insulted.

We all have our problems and we also know that we are capable of solving these problems. Therefore, the matter entirely depends upon us and if we don’t allow these vampires to enter into our life or play with our emotions, they cannot suck our happiness. So, I’d suggest you show your beautiful smile when they buzz around you.

Don’t Suppress Yourself

Toxic people will intimidate, bully, pass guilt, and forcefully take money from you to get their job done. They know very well that they are doing wrong and at the same time, they are acquainted with the concept that we are incapable of doing anything against them.

Most of the time, we keep ourselves quiet until someone speaks up. And because of this suppressive mindset, we are gradually being dragged into their mind games.

Well, we have to change this concept as it infuses courage into them. We need to obstruct them with firm minds and make them realize the negative consequences of their behavior.[1] If they are upsetting you, just tell them directly. Your direct statement might open a new gate of opportunity that will allow you to help them if they are suffering from genuine problems.

So, why are you still tolerating these toxic people? Follow the tips mentioned above and deal with them in the right way.

Featured photo credit: Devin Avery via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Tips for Grooming: Change Your Fixed Negative Belief

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