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11 Things In A Relationship Everyone Thinks It’s Okay

11 Things In A Relationship Everyone Thinks It’s Okay

There’s no denying the fact that relationships are hard, even in the best circumstances and under optimal conditions. However, there are ways that you can make any relationship more successful, and that’s through avoiding the following mistakes that most people have been guilty of in their lives.

1. Making comparisons between your significant other and past partners

This is one of the biggest mistakes in the book. Not only is the ‘grass is always greener’ unrealistic, it’s incredibly unfair on your partner. They are who they are and they will never be anybody else. How would you feel if you found out that they were comparing you to somebody else, especially an ex? In addition to how horrible this is, it can also lead to cheating. Firstly, because you may get frustrated and go looking for someone who fits the bill. Secondly, because your partner will feel unwanted and go looking for acceptance and intimacy somewhere else. If you want them to be someone other than who they are, you shouldn’t be with them.

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2. Staying silent when you’re uncomfortable or unhappy about something

No matter how solid your relationship is, your partner will annoy or upset you at some point. That’s okay, you’ll undoubtedly do the same to them. The problems come when you don’t say anything about it. This doesn’t mean that you should automatically scream them down; instead, you should simply mention it to them. If you don’t, you may let the issue stew inside of you until you start acting erratically, and by then your partner will have no idea why they’re suddenly in trouble. People can’t know if there’s a problem unless you tell them, so give your significant other the benefit of the doubt and let them know if something is bothering you.

3. Not being honest about who you are from the start

This behavior is unfair to both you and your partner, because if you do this, your whole relationship will be based on a lie. They thought you were a certain type of person and subsequently decided to commit to you. Do you really want to continue acting for the rest of your life? Do you think that’s even possible? Most importantly, don’t you want to be loved for exactly who you are? A relationship built on such lies simply cannot last, and certainly won’t be happy.

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4. Asking too many questions and being distrusting

Constantly questioning your partner on their whereabouts and not trusting them is one of the fastest ways to destroy a relationship. You may be in a couple, but you’re both still individuals who have a right to your own lives. Just because they may spend time away from you doesn’t mean they’re cheating or doing anything suspicious. Asking too many questions can be both irritating and insulting to your significant other. Acting in such a fashion also has the potential to escalate into spying, even if it’s just texts and Facebook messages. Snooping may seem harmless, but it’s rude, invasive and unfair. If you distrust your partner when they haven’t given you a reason to, you need to look to yourself for what the problem may be.

5. Becoming overly clingy

This is another issue that relates to the one above. If you feel like you have to be with someone 24/7 then there’s a issue, and it’s not likely to be with them. Both you and your partner need time away from each other. As previously mentioned, you’re individuals and you need to act like it. Clinging to a person constantly will get old quickly and you may find your partner getting bored or irritated with you. Let them have a chance to miss you.You want to be able to enjoy your time together, not resent it. On a related note, never get a joint Facebook or email account. There are two of you—behave like it.

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6. Being in a relationship just to avoid being alone or bored

This is one of those selfish moves that most of us have probably made at some point or another. Like so many of these mistakes, it’s unfair to both yourself and your partner. They aren’t being loved for who they are and are potentially missing out on meeting someone who will. Do you really want to do that to them? The same goes for yourself. What if you met your soul mate whilst you were already in a relationship you didn’t care that much about? I can also guarantee that at some point, your significant other will find out. Relationships can be sensitive and you’d be surprised at what people can sense beneath the surface. Being alone can be difficult, but it’s not worth hurting people just because you want something to do on a Saturday night.

7. Letting money become a problem

If you’re in a committed relationship, particularly one that involves living together, money has the potential to become a serious issue. This is often because people are used to being financially independent. Both you and your partner need to remember that you’re financially connected now, and that means that you both need to know about each others spending habits, as well as your financial history. This may sound a little invasive, but you need to be able to trust each other with money. Keeping financial secrets from one another, such as large loans or credit card debts can lead to a lot of trouble once they come out. Not only can it incite distrust, but it can also put a lot of stress on both yourself, your partner and your relationship.

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8. Not having sex anymore

Regardless of what some people say, sex is an incredibly important factor of a relationship. Yes, it will fade with old age, but if you’re still decades away from that point then there’s a problem. If you and your significant other aren’t intimate anymore, you need to ask yourself why. Have one or both of you gotten a little lazy, is the sex becoming boring or is there a deeper issue at play? If you know you truly love each other, put a bit more effort in. Not bothering with sex can lead your relationship down a dark and dangerous road—you both have needs after all. Perhaps spice things up by shaking up your usual sexual routine or try opening up to your partner about your fantasies. You may be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

9. Becoming lazy in the romance department

Speaking of sex, it’s possible that it’s faded due to a lack of romance occurring within the relationship. People can often become too comfortable with their significant other and forget to bother with romance or making each other feel special. This doesn’t necessarily restrict you to unaffordable dinners and dozens of expensive roses though. Personally, I would find a PS4 game far more appealing than a bouquet. Romance, like people, comes in all shapes and sizes, and isn’t restricted to the ladies. Men like surprises too. Pay attention to what you partner enjoys and think of ways to incorporate it into your relationship—whether it be through a date or an unexpected gift. Remember, you don’t have to spend a fortune. Even a picnic with their favorite foods in the lounge room, or a walk along the beach can be a nice change for a relationship.

10. Being too distracted by your devices

This is something that most of us have been guilty of at some point in time. Being constantly attached to your phone, laptop or iPad can be extremely detrimental to your relationship. Your partner can be left feeling unimportant and not worth your time if you’re always glued to a screen when you spend time together. Put down your device and start spending some quality time with your significant other. They deserve it.

11. Not being open and honest about things

This last point can be directly to almost all of the above. If there’s an issue, you have to be able to talk to your partner. You can’t be too scared or distrustful to be open and honest with your partner. Most of the time when there’s a secret, they will eventually find out or at least detect that you’re hiding something. This can do serious damage to a relationship and sow permanent seeds of distrust.

More by this author

Tegan Jones

Tegan is a passionate journalist, writer and editor. She writes about lifestyle tips on Lifehack.

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Last Updated on November 11, 2019

Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family.

You know how this looks:

  • Parents constantly comparing children.
  • Siblings in conflict because of tolerated bullying.
  • Domestic violence.
  • Adultery…
  • And many others.

For all the members, this will mean emotional pain and even trauma; which, in case it doesn’t get resolved, will have a detrimental effect on the individual’s personality and development.

Needless to say, the younger members are the most vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the parents are out of danger, as most commonly the parents play the roles of abuser-codependent, and in some cases, both parts inflicting pain on one another.

Most like to think these problems stem from deep-seated issues, and that therefore it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.

This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress.

In this article, I’ll break down for you the basic steps of fixing a dysfunctional family. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around.

If you have ever felt in this position, or if you know somebody who is, this article is for you.

How to fix a dysfunctional family

In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.

And this will accomplish things you once only saw as a dream.

Dropping the ego? Switching blame for responsibility? Doing the work? What does all this mean?

It’s simple. In a nutshell, it’s that which will allow you to turn a dysfunctional family into a functional one.

Let’s take a look at how exactly this can be done. And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits.

Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.

There is also a solution for these, it’s just not what you are expecting…

Dysfunctional… Or just average?

Most families are dysfunctional, though at varying degrees of dysfunctionality.

The milder cases, are just marked by “typical” comically-shrouded bullying or lack of interest in other members’ development or wellbeing.

You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. But let’s get more specific…

A dysfunctional family is one in which members directly or indirectly suffer emotional and/or physical harm inflicted by other members of their family. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents.

Even harmful actions as “passive” as neglect, which is inflicted by inaction rather than action, signifies a dysfunction within the family.

Dysfunctional families have conflicts such as:

  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Lack of interest and time spent together
  • Sexism
  • Utilitarianism
  • Lack of empathy
  • Unequal or unfair treatment
  • Disrespect towards boundaries
  • Control Issues
  • Jealousy
  • Verbal and physical abuse
  • Violence and even sexual misconduct or abuse

You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…

If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.

Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage.

How to turn it around

When you’re part of a dysfunctional family you know it. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction.

But just in case you’re having trouble telling functional from dysfunctional I will tell you the following:

One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings.

We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?

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As cheesy as it may sound it really sheds a lot of light on the subject.

What behaviors, actions and attitudes in your family you wish were better?

Do you think certain behaviors and actions from your family marked you in the past?

Sadly, we cannot go back to the past to correct it. But we can do a lot in the present…

Correction is possible

In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you.

Verbalize it.

All members of the dysfunctional family have one issue in common: They don’t put a stop to the harm.

Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP.

This is the door to a better, more functional family, because after this, comes the fix.

But first you have to identify and make others know where exactly lies the problem.

So go ahead and fearlessly start with “Stop”, followed by your expression of dissatisfaction.

Putting it to work in real life

In real life it would be something like this:

“OK, stop! Every time you belittle me I feel you don’t care. I need attention and respect, and it is your responsibility as my family to provide them to me”

Or:

“Stop. When you compare me with my cousin it hurts, I feel like I don’t matter and that’s not ok. I ask you to stop doing it.

Or:

“Please stop. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder. Don’t raise your voice and let’s work this out the way humans do”.

As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. And afterwards you verbalize why it’s wrong and what needs of you need to be fulfilled.

This is what you have to remember:

1-Stop.

2-Why it’s wrong?

3-What you need.

And this will also work well in case you need to do it for another family member.

It’s a family thing

A dysfunctional family cannot be fixed by one member alone.

Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution.

In other words, you will need cooperation…

So don’t be afraid of asking for it!

Approach your family member and ask to be listened.

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We sometimes feel our needs are “not that important” or we simply believe they won’t listen. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.

You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need.

It’s not a free-for-all battle

In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only.

No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship (like a family) will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.

Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship.

And this is where we will talk about the fix itself. The one I mentioned in the introduction…

The method

1. Drop the ego

Wherever there is conflict there is ego.

You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Always. Yours and the other person.

Ego craves control and satisfaction, and in many cases, to establish dominance.

What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Everything. Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it.

It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.

After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. How? By speaking from the heart…

Tell the other person how important all this is to you.

Tell the other person that it’s not a matter of arguing, but just working things out together.

Point out how it is not possible for you to do it alone.

And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you.

You will have to point out the mistakes you need corrected, that’s for sure. And that leads me to the next point…

2. Not blame, but responsibility

When talking about others’ mistakes we often use an accusatory tone. And that’s natural, it’s what things should be like if ego was not present.

But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up. And then unsheathes the swords…

When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation.

What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully!

Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.

As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You know how difficult it is to accept a mistake, so just make them feel it’s no big fuzz… which does not mean it’s ok, but it takes tension off.

You will do something like this:

“Hello dad. Can I talk with you for a minute? I really need to tell you something.

I have been feeling pretty sad lately and I know this is something you do care about.

You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison.

I know you don’t do this intentionally and I know you might have not realized this until now, but I want to let you know this really brings me down.

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It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. And I don’t want that, I want a good, healthy relationship with you”

What happened here?

We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are.

We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important.

We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. It’s just a description.

And then we take the blame off. Just before we assign responsibility without actually saying it.

You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing.

This is what “switching blame for responsibility” means. What comes next? Doing the work!

3. Doing the work

What would any of this mean if, in the end, nothing changes? Exactly, nothing!

This is why you must follow up with every change that needs to be done.

Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family.

If the person doesn’t follow up don’t hesitate to bring it up again, and tell them you feel disappointed that your honest try at it was not listened.

It may even be a subject in itself, and therefore the need for another conversation.

“When you go back to old habits it shows that you didn’t really care about what I said. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.

I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship.

But there is just so much I can do, if you refuse to do your part I can do nothing else.”

You need very clear and positive communication in order to make this work.

Love is all you need

You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love.

That is the single one requirement for all this to work: Love.

And what happens if it simply is not there?

What happens if, nobody is willing to do what it takes?

What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?

There is only one thing you can do:

To break away.

Let’s be honest, people, especially adults, are very difficult to change.

There is a Jewish proverb that I love, which sums it up like this:

“We spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we learned before we were 7”

If you find it very hard to change the very traits that make your family dysfunctional or if it’s simply impossible, you still have a card up your sleeve…

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Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone.

You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic.

Putting distance

So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance.

What do I mean?

Learn, first, to take their damage in a detached manner.

Don’t let it hurt you further. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally.

Don’t be attached to feelings such as “Why doesn’t she love me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” or “If he wasn’t like that my life would be perfect”.

Simply refuse to keep participating in the emotional downward spiral and accept, even if it’s painful” that there is nothing you can do. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.

They are their responsibility and you are yours. So decide what is best for you.

Realize it only comes down to two possibilities:

I keep the relationship and therefore accept the abuse. Or…

I choose my peace of mind.

And don’t let your mind fool you. We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…

Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts. Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else.

Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold.

How to prevent it

There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:

  • To be completely aware of one’s own mistakes and not allow them to impact others and…
  • To make sure our SO’s are also on the same channel before creating a family (i.e. having children)

Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children.

You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you. We went from “them” to “us” to “me”.

Why? Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family. To correct the mistakes you have in yours and to prevent dysfunctionalities if you don’t have a family but plan to create one.

Priorities and clear thought

You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences.

You learned today how it’s all a matter of priorities and thinking clearly.

You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. It’s a matter of choosing your peace, because you deserve it.

Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated…

If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others. And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Don’t allow it to happen.

Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.

But if you tried and those elements are not present, just choose yourself instead.

Featured photo credit: Xavier Mouton Photographie via unsplash.com

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