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10 Ways You Don’t Know You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be

10 Ways You Don’t Know You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be

Do you feel that life is against you?  Are you constantly struggling and see everything as a challenge?

Have you ever considered that this might be coming from you and not from the world around you?

Depending on how you think and act life can be perceived as difficult.   A shift in your attitude and perception can make a huge difference in creating an easier life.

Are these 10 traits making your life difficult?

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You believe that everyone is out to get you.

Someone in your office does something nice for you and automatically you begin to wonder what they want.  On a greater scale you distrust anyone who works for a large organization like the government, insurance company, lawyers, doctors, or even teachers.  What a great amount of fear and stress this creates!  How can you be 100% sure they are out to get you?

You see a future full of pitfalls.

You finally have a dinner date with a person you really like.  Instead of thinking how great this is and how much you are going to enjoy the evening, you focus on the ways that this evening is going to be a disaster.  You are so focused on all the negative things that might happen you don’t see the benefits and opportunities before you.  You could be missing something great!

You are a victim of your expectations.

A co-worker you admire has been paired with you on a project.  You have great ideas for how the project should be handled.  You expected to asked for your ideas but aren’t.   Because you weren’t asked, you didn’t voice them, as a result you feel angry and hurt.  Or you expected to be the lead player but aren’t.  You feel slighted and resentful.  In both cases you are projecting yourself as a victim based on your expectations.  Allowing yourself to be open to the situation rather than on your expectations makes life so much easier.

You are the sun and the the world rotates around you.

When planning an outing do you insist that everyone follow your plan?  When you are having a bad day do you make sure all your friends and family know about it?  These behaviors could be seriously making life more difficult for you.  By making things less about you and more about others would make for smoother relationships and less tension.

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You are stuck in neutral.

You have great plans and ideas, but somehow they never get off the ground.

When others inquire about the progress you are making with the plans, your answer is that you are waiting for the right moment.  The problem is that the right time never comes.  You have to take that first step before things can begin moving.

You always play it safe.

You are the person who researches every little thing to make sure you are making the best choice.  You never do anything impulsive or take any chances.  Change and uncertainty are your enemies.  Unfortunately, life isn’t predicable or safe. Sometimes you have to take a risk to move forward.

You are a societal clone .

You know everything about your friends because they are just like you.  You are constantly watching them and they are constantly watching you.  If fact you pay so much attention to others in your group you know immediately when one steps out of the mold. Fear of being different binds you together.  Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you could followed your passions and desires rather copying others?

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You can’t let go.

She embarrassed you in front of your colleagues and you are never going to forgive her.  Sound familiar?  In another situation, you know you are right about how this should be done and nothing is going to change your mind. Has this attitude ever embarrassed you when you were proven wrong?  When you not longer need to fuel past transgressions or the need to be right life takes on a totally new focus.

You are a taker and not a giver.

Your friends are great about coming over to help you, but when they need your help you disappear.  If you do come out to help, you often do it grudgingly.  You tend to be more focused on your phone than on the job at hand or make excuses to leave early.  It won’t take long for others to figure this out and you may find that others aren’t willing to help you any more.  Giving and receiving go hand in hand.

You have weak boundaries.

You are generous to a fault.  Friends and family know that if they need anything they can borrow it from you.  The problems arises when they borrow things and then forget to return them. You may ask for them back, but get the brush off.  Because you don’t want to create waves in your relationship, nothing happens.  This results in you being inconvenienced and possibly feeling used, but until you set some boundaries this will continue to happen. Set your boundaries and learn to say no.

Life does not have to be difficult or a struggle. Much of it depends on you.

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Are you ready to take control?

Featured photo credit: Having a bad day?/Melisa D. via flickr.com

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Last Updated on January 15, 2019

How to Talk to Strangers Without Feeling Awkward

How to Talk to Strangers Without Feeling Awkward

Many of us feel awkward talking to strangers. I’m a very outgoing person, even though I sometimes feel uncomfortable walking up to someone and asking a question or starting a conversation. I consider myself pretty high up on the extrovert meter. So what is it that makes us pause and become worried or anxious about talking to people we don’t know?

In this article, we will discuss why we feel this way as well as some tips on how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward.

Step right up, don’t be shy!

Why We Feel Awkward Talking to Strangers

The next time you feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger, tell yourself that’s completely normal. There are numerous reasons why it’s actually natural to feel awkward talking to strangers:

Our Stress Levels Rise Around Strangers

Numerous studies have show that our levels of cortisol go up when we are around strangers.[1] Cortisol is the hormone inside of us which produces stress responses.[2]
So there you go, right off the bat you can see part of your standard response to strangers is due to a chemical reaction!

A very interesting by product of increased cortisol is that it makes us less empathetic. More than likely this can be traced to our evolution. The increase in the cortisol and the corresponding decrease in empathy makes us want to stay away from strangers. We are biologically wired to feel concern around strangers.

Evolution Taught Us to Be Wary

Evolution has also taught us to be wary of strangers in general. Humans as a whole have spent a large chunk of their history banded together in small protective groups. We did this in order to help protect each other and maximize resources.

When you think about it in this context, outsiders to our small groups or strangers are considered potential threats. Fear of strangers is common across almost all human cultures.

Culturally Conditioned

We can also thank our society for helping us feel uncomfortable and sometimes afraid of strangers. The term “stranger danger” is something most of us can relate to either growing up or raising kids. Or both.

I remember hearing this from my parents, mostly about not getting in someone’s car I didn’t know. And as the father of 2 teenage girls, you can be sure I’ve talked to them about this very concept more times that they want to hear.

The thought that strangers can be dangerous is built into us as it is. Toss in the amplification of the media on strangers doing things such as kidnapping kids and it takes it to an even higher level.

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Now that we’ve reviewed some of the reasons why we are nervous, let’s look at why you should talk to strangers more.

Benefits of Getting over the Awkwardness

Let’s take a quick look at some of the advantages of how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward. These are some high level benefits of talking to strangers.

1. Broadens Your Network

After you talk to someone, you didn’t know previously they become someone you know at least a little bit. This alone helps broaden your network of people you know. This is helpful in many ways whether it is work related or socially related.

2. Improves Your Communication Skills

I am a huge proponent of the value of solid communication skills and have written about it often. The more you talk to people, especially people you don’t know, the better your communication skills become.

Interacting with a wider variety of people will bring the added benefit of improving your communication skills.

3. Continually Learning

So many of us don’t actively seek to learn new things. This is one of the primary keys to staying engaged in life and our own personal self fulfillment.

Almost every time I speak to someone I didn’t know previously, I’ve learned something new. When we speak to strangers, it pushes us out of our comfort zones and we tend to learn new things.

4. Increases Self Confidence

Every time we learn to do something we were previously anxious about, we feel better about ourselves.

Forcing ourselves to talk to strangers will lead to increased self confidence. As we get more and more comfortable doing something that previously made us feel awkward, our self confidence will go up and up.

So, how to talk to strangers to reap these benefits?

How to Talk to Strangers

Here are some tips to on how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward.

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1. Say Hello

Putting “say hello” first may seem a bit obvious but let’s take a deeper look. Much of the social awkwardness when speaking to strangers is simply breaking the ice. The first words that will engage someone.

Most people will respond when someone says hello or hi to them. And those that don’t, you probably don’t want to talk to anyway.

Practice being the person that opens the door to a conversation. Say hello.

2. Ask About Them

Something that I have noticed over the years is that people love to talk about themselves. Even fairly private people tend to open up when asked about events in their lives.

You can ask leading questions that get people to talk about themselves and recent events. Things like recent movies watched or the summer vacation are great to get someone talking.

As a father, I also know that people love to talk about their kids. Asking about kids is a fairly easy topic to bring up and in general, most people will expound upon all the great things their kids do or are involved with.

3. Just Do It

One of the biggest reasons we don’t do things we want to or know we should is because we overthink it. Quit thinking about it so much and just do it.

When you give yourself the time to analyze every little angle about a situation, you also give plenty of time to talk yourself out of it. You’ll wind up thinking what if this happens or what if that happens.

Try to force yourself to jump right in without thinking about it too much. Whenever I have done this, I always feel great about it afterwards, no matter how it turned out.

4. Don’t Take It Personal

One of the greatest lessons in life I ever learned was don’t take anything personally. We all go through life with our own sets of experiences and see things through our own lens. The way people react to different situations has almost nothing to do with us. It has to do with previous experiences and the way people feel about things other than us.

When someone’s reaction isn’t what you’d hoped or expected, chances are it has nothing to do with you. Remember that and keep it in context.

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5. Get a Chuckle If Possible

I used the word chuckle purposely because it makes me laugh. In my opinion, it’s one of those funny words. We all like to laugh because it makes us feel good. And when someone makes us laugh, we typically remember those people in a positive light.

One of the best ways to make a conversation easy and free flowing is to get some laughter going. It doesn’t mean you have to be the master joke teller or anything. See if you can work in a way to make the person you are talking to get a smile or some laughter in. In fact, laughing at yourself maybe a nice try.

6. Detach

A great feeling is when you don’t mind which way something turns out, that you will be fine no matter what happens. Kind of like when I watch my two favorite football teams play against each other. I don’t really care who wins, I just want a fun game.

Treat talking to strangers the same way. You don’t really care how the conversation goes because you are detaching from the outcome. Make it a fun time with yourself and if the conversation goes well, awesome! If not then no big deal, move on.

7. Share Your Stories

Well, all like to feel connected to other people. And many times we wind up hanging out with people that we have things in common with. No surprise here.

To help with how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward, tell stories that have commonalities with the person you are talking to. Kids are an easy one. I have a daughter who was a competitive cheerleader and now plays club volleyball. I have instant connection and stories with strangers I speak with who have kids that play sports. It’s easy to relate to.

So when you are speaking to a stranger and you have a story or mutual connection point, bring it up.

8. Give a Compliment

Almost everyone likes hearing a compliment, whether they admit to it or not. As a general rule, we don’t give out enough compliments. It’s amazing how one small remark someone tosses your way about how good you look can literally make your entire day.

When you are speaking with someone you don’t know, see if you can work a compliment in. Nothing creepy here. Not a good idea to tell someone you just met that they are the prettiest or handsomest person you ever met. However, if you can share how you like their tattoo or shoes or something like that, it will help put the conversation into an easy going, smiling place.

9. Relax Your Body Language

If you go into a situation all worried and nervous, it shows on your body. Your shoulders are tensed up, there’s a look of consternation on your face, things like that.

When you engage a stranger in conversation, make it a point to relax your body language. Take a deep breath before you engage the person, let your body relax, and put a smile on your face. This will help relax you and it has the added benefit of putting the other person more at ease.

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If they see that you are relaxed, it helps them relax. Plus having open, engaging body language is very conducive to inviting someone to open up into a conversation with you.

10. Practice, Practice, Practice

Like everything else in life, talking to strangers gets easier with practice. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Make it a point to talk to several strangers each week and it will definitely help you relax as you do it more and more.

After a while, it will become something you don’t even think about, you just do it. And that takes all of the awkwardness out of being in these type situations.

The Bottom Line

As we have seen, it is perfectly natural to feel awkward talking to strangers. We are biologically built that way and we have our own society constantly warning us how dangerous it is. It’s no wonder we feel awkward talking to strangers!

There are numerous benefits to learning to be more comfortable talking to strangers. See if you can employ some of the techniques mentioned to learn how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward.

Once you start practicing speaking with strangers more often and utilizing some of the tips, you will become more comfortable doing so. This in turn will lead to a learned new skill and increased self confidence.

Remember, everyone you know was a stranger at one time. Now get out there and make some new friends.

More Resources About Strengthening Communication Skills

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

Reference

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