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10 Things to Remember If You Love A Person With Divorced Parents

10 Things to Remember If You Love A Person With Divorced Parents

According to psychologist and researcher Judith Wallerstein, “the highest impact of divorce on children comes 15-25 years AFTER the divorce, when the children enter into a serious romantic relationship… they expect to fail.”

Though it’s a great challenge, many people with divorced parents still try hard to be fully engaged in a relationship. In the process, there’re plenty of challenges…When you love them, please remember the following 10 things…

1. They Don’t Trust Easily

Trust is hard won when you love a person with divorced parents… especially if one or both parents suddenly became unreliable after divorce. They might be able to trust, but they often remind themselves things can change rapidly and unexpectedly. To reduce risks and avoid hard feelings, they choose not to trust easily.

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2. They Still Hurt

Divorce reaches far into the future and for some adults with divorced parents, the pain is still real. When movies show parental love, or when they see loving parents with kids on the street, loads of bittersweet and bad feelings are stirred up.

3. They Need to Know They Can Count On You

Parents are supposed to be the best support system during our childhood. The sad fact for people with divorced parents is that they don’t just lack that support system, they even have great pressure standing between their parents. That’s why they tend to take a huge burden on themselves. But it doesn’t mean they don’t want to rely on someone…They just need someone to offer their shoulders, and to tell them to be themselves and relax.

4. They Don’t Express Their Feelings Very Well

They don’t have their parents around to always tell their stories, feelings, experiences, etc. They might tend to suppress feelings and unable to express their feelings well even if they really want to.

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5. They Think Twice About Changes

Divorce is a traumatic change for nearly every child. A child’s safe, comfy, bubble suddenly bursts. To their impression, changes often denote something negative that can disrupt their lives. They know changes can be positive too, while they’ll hesitate when everyone else are going ahead.

6. They Can Hardly Picture A Healthy Relationship

A happy relationship is a complex mixture of good communication, respect, gratitude, acceptance, trust, friendship, etc. With parents divorced, the model disappears. Or maybe that model hasn’t existed at all before. Unable to picture it well, they find it hard to know which parts they need to work on their own relationships. So never take it as reluctance to work on the relationship, they sometimes really don’t know how to.

7. They’re Great Caretakers

Many of them often feel like they need to become emotional caretakers for the custodial parent. If you love someone with divorced parents you may find yourself being “taken care of.” Recognize that this may be a symptom of a co-dependent relationship that your love may or may not be aware of.

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8. They’re Eager To Take Control

If you’ve never been a child whose parents divorce, you may have a hard time understanding why it’s so important for the person you love to have an unrelenting need to control nearly every aspect of his/her life. With so much unhappy experiecnes out of their control throughout their childhood, they’d really like to take control and never let such things happen again.

9. They Secretly Believe Their Relationship With You Will Fail

You need to know that one of your love’s deepest fears is that your relationship is doomed. If their parents couldn’t make it work, maybe they won’t be able to either. Though they try hard most of the time, when difficulties come, their pessimistic mode will turn on easily.

10. With All These Fears And Struggles, They Still Want Their Relationship With You To Be Forever

This flies in the face of their deepest fear but they really do want their relationship with you to work and they want it to last. The contradiction you see in the one you love may show up as anxiety, worry, and neediness. Be kind. Be compassionate. Understand that your love really wants their relationship with you to be happy and healthy.

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It’s not always easy loving someone with divorced parents. But if you can, your relationship would be the strongest one ever.

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Last Updated on August 16, 2018

10 Ways To Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone And Enjoy Taking Risks

10 Ways To Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone And Enjoy Taking Risks

The ability to take risks by stepping outside your comfort zone is the primary way by which we grow. But we are often afraid to take that first step.

In truth, comfort zones are not really about comfort, they are about fear. Break the chains of fear to get outside. Once you do, you will learn to enjoy the process of taking risks and growing in the process.

Here are 10 ways to help you step out of your comfort zone and get closer to success:

1. Become aware of what’s outside of your comfort zone

What are the things that you believe are worth doing but are afraid of doing yourself because of the potential for disappointment or failure?

Draw a circle and write those things down outside the circle. This process will not only allow you to clearly identify your discomforts, but your comforts. Write identified comforts inside the circle.

2. Become clear about what you are aiming to overcome

Take the list of discomforts and go deeper. Remember, the primary emotion you are trying to overcome is fear.

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How does this fear apply uniquely to each situation? Be very specific.

Are you afraid of walking up to people and introducing yourself in social situations? Why? Is it because you are insecure about the sound of your voice? Are you insecure about your looks?

Or, are you afraid of being ignored?

3. Get comfortable with discomfort

One way to get outside of your comfort zone is to literally expand it. Make it a goal to avoid running away from discomfort.

Let’s stay with the theme of meeting people in social settings. If you start feeling a little panicked when talking to someone you’ve just met, try to stay with it a little longer than you normally would before retreating to comfort. If you stay long enough and practice often enough, it will start to become less uncomfortable.

4. See failure as a teacher

Many of us are so afraid of failure that we would rather do nothing than take a shot at our dreams.

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Begin to treat failure as a teacher. What did you learn from the experience? How can you take that lesson to your next adventure to increase your chance of success?

Many highly successful people failed plenty of times before they succeeded. Here’re some examples:

10 Famous Failures to Success Stories That Will Inspire You to Carry On

5. Take baby steps

Don’t try to jump outside your comfort zone, you will likely become overwhelmed and jump right back in.

Take small steps toward the fear you are trying to overcome. If you want to do public speaking, start by taking every opportunity to speak to small groups of people. You can even practice with family and friends.

Take a look at this article on how you can start taking baby steps:

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The Number One Secret to Life Success: Baby Steps

6. Hang out with risk takers

There is no substitute for this step. If you want to become better at something, you must start hanging out with the people who are doing what you want to do and start emulating them. (Here’re 8 Reasons Why Risk Takers Are More Likely To Be Successful).

Almost inevitably, their influence will start have an effect on your behavior.

7. Be honest with yourself when you are trying to make excuses

Don’t say “Oh, I just don’t have the time for this right now.” Instead, be honest and say “I am afraid to do this.”

Don’t make excuses, just be honest. You will be in a better place to confront what is truly bothering you and increase your chance of moving forward.

8. Identify how stepping out will benefit you

What will the ability to engage in public speaking do for your personal and professional growth? Keep these potential benefits in mind as motivations to push through fear.

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9. Don’t take yourself too seriously

Learn to laugh at yourself when you make mistakes. Risk taking will inevitably involve failure and setbacks that will sometimes make you look foolish to others. Be happy to roll with the punches when others poke fun.

If you aren’t convinced yet, check out these 6 Reasons Not to Take Life So Seriously.

10. Focus on the fun

Enjoy the process of stepping outside your safe boundaries. Enjoy the fun of discovering things about yourself that you may not have been aware of previously.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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