“If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.” – Chinese proverb.
If you search Google on selfishness, the majority of entries will tell you that you have to be selfish to look after yourself and to succeed in life. You are ensuring that you are contributing to society and not a burden. It is a sort of natural selfishness and is closely related to our survival. It must take priority over helping others. Pretty harmless, you might think…
Then you will find entries on what is termed ‘bad selfishness’ where people exploit others, commit criminal acts to gain money or power by means of fraud, dishonesty and violence. Very nasty, you might shudder…
I have given two rather extreme examples above, but have you thought about more subtle ways in which you may have been selfish unknowingly? Here are 10 examples of the way selfish people behave and without even realizing it.Advertising
“Even six-year-olds who scream, ‘You’re selfish!’ have agendas.” – Rick Gaber
1. They are unaware of the imbalance in a relationship
Any healthy relationship has to have a near perfect balance. This goes for personal and work relationships. If people are all for taking and giving nothing back, then they are selfish and will be shocked when this is pointed out to them. In the workplace, that may be very difficult to broach when your colleague has been selfish in demanding help and giving nothing back. This could be never giving advice, support or performing actual hard work. This can have a terrible effect on staff morale.
2. They baptize their children with weird names
Whatever the reason, these parents are determined to go for something trendy or completely original. This is selfishness because they are not putting their children first: children who will be teased at school and suffer endless corrections of the pronunciation or spelling of the name, not to mention all the incorrect variations that will be floating around. It’s an example of selfish self-absorption and little thought is given to how the child will cope. There are mixed results from studies which might indicate whether the weird name is a handicap or not. A classic is the girl who was called Sue Yoo who become a lawyer!
3. They are nagged
“It’s good to be selfish. But not so self-centered that you never listen to other people.” – Hugh Hefner.
When nagging is a prominent feature in a relationship, it can only mean that the nagged partner is completely insensitive to the other partner’s needs. This can range from not tidying up to being forgetful. It also means that the guilty partner does not take into account their partner’s wishes. The partner who is doing the nagging may well be obsessed and this could be another aspect of selfishness as they are selfishly giving far too much attention to their obsessions and manias!
4. They do not bother to give negative feedback
Whether it is your partner, child or colleague, there is a tendency to gloss over negative feedback or not to give any at all. It may seem a charitable thing to do because you are not hurting the person’s feelings or destroying their confidence, however this is an act of selfishness because you are passing up an opportunity to help the person to improve and do better. Being nice in many cases is the short cut to popularity. In the long term, it could come back and haunt you if you have failed in your duty.
5. They are control freaks
People in management are sometimes control freaks. Their motto seems to be, “If you want to do it right, do it yourself.” Control freaks are usually perfectionists and they are convinced that they are the only capable people in a company or family. The strange thing is that they themselves believe they are benevolently keeping an eye out and are being genuinely helpful and concerned. The reality is that their behavior is selfish to the point of killing initiative, discouraging creativity or even delegating tasks.
6. They are manipulative
The other side of the coin of being a control freak. They are so fearful of losing their position of authority that they employ some nasty tactics. A classic example is where they will not consider a compromise. That means a loss of power. They use their manipulative skills to get the boss on their side. Then they will use tactics such as being perfectly charming while trying to find out information about colleagues and then subtly accuse others or discredit them. If you read Dr. Mary Casey’s book, How to Deal With Master Manipulators, you will discover many other examples of selfish acts.Advertising
7. They are the only people on the planet
How many times have we fumed against people blocking doorways, smoking when it is forbidden, talking loudly on the phone or acting selfishly when driving? These acts of selfishness happen all the time and are obvious manifestations of people thinking they are the only people on the planet.
There are other more subtle examples that we may be unaware of. What about people who may be engrossed with their iPhone and block the aisle on the plane, shop or train? Others get impatient when they do not get an immediate answer to their email. These acts of selfishness make life more difficult for everyone else.
8. They never clean their dog’s mess
When I visited Scotland last year, there were prominent notices saying, “Your dog, your mess, your £40 fine.” The next time you see a person ‘forgetting’ to clean up, ask them to take their dog’s mess home. It is their property after all! Civic duty is still sadly lacking in many areas and selfishness is all around us.
9. They hate team work
Selfish people are unwilling to share, give or brainstorm. They want to work alone because they are in a competitive environment but this selfishness will work against them if they are not careful. An ex-colleague kept a lot of information to herself because she was secretive and selfish. She never got the promotion she so desired and we could all see why.Advertising
I remember one of my first bosses who kept all his teacher training materials at home. Nobody else had access to them so we had to reinvent the wheel when running our own training sessions. I have never hated a boss so much! Giving and sharing are rare words in the selfish person’s vocabulary.
10. They rarely collaborate
It’s all about ego. They know what they want and they are always to the forefront to make sure they get it. When they see an obstacle they become defiant or refuse to collaborate. In addition, their refusal to give an inch is just a symptom of classic selfishness. After all, why should they bother to go out of their way to discover what people are feeling, their ideas, hopes and ambitions?
“I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life, they have shown me exactly who I do not want to be.” – Unknown.
Featured photo credit: Parking mayhem at Kota Kinabalu/ Jason Thien via flickr.comAdvertising
Last Updated on February 11, 2021
Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating
How often have you said something simple, only to have the person who you said this to misunderstand it or twist the meaning completely around? Nodding your head in affirmative? Then this means that you are being unclear in your communication.
Communication should be simple, right? It’s all about two people or more talking and explaining something to the other. The problem lies in the talking itself, somehow we end up being unclear, and our words, attitude or even the way of talking becomes a barrier in communication, most of the times unknowingly. We give you six common barriers to communication, and how to get past them; for you to actually say what you mean, and or the other person to understand it as well…
The 6 Walls You Need to Break Down to Make Communication Effective
Think about it this way, a simple phrase like “what do you mean” can be said in many different ways and each different way would end up “communicating” something else entirely. Scream it at the other person, and the perception would be anger. Whisper this is someone’s ear and others may take it as if you were plotting something. Say it in another language, and no one gets what you mean at all, if they don’t speak it… This is what we mean when we say that talking or saying something that’s clear in your head, many not mean that you have successfully communicated it across to your intended audience – thus what you say and how, where and why you said it – at times become barriers to communication.
The moment you say something in a confrontational, sarcastic, angry or emotional tone, you have set up perceptual barriers to communication. The other person or people to whom you are trying to communicate your point get the message that you are disinterested in what you are saying and sort of turn a deaf ear. In effect, you are yelling your point across to person who might as well be deaf!
The problem: When you have a tone that’s not particularly positive, a body language that denotes your own disinterest in the situation and let your own stereotypes and misgivings enter the conversation via the way you talk and gesture, the other person perceives what you saying an entirely different manner than say if you said the same while smiling and catching their gaze.
The solution: Start the conversation on a positive note, and don’t let what you think color your tone, gestures of body language. Maintain eye contact with your audience, and smile openly and wholeheartedly…
Some people, if you would excuse the language, are simply badass and in general are unable to form relationships or even a common point of communication with others, due to their habit of thinking to highly or too lowly of them. They basically have an attitude problem – since they hold themselves in high esteem, they are unable to form genuine lines of communication with anyone. The same is true if they think too little of themselves as well.
The problem: If anyone at work, or even in your family, tends to roam around with a superior air – anything they say is likely to be taken by you and the others with a pinch, or even a bag of salt. Simply because whenever they talk, the first thing to come out of it is their condescending attitude. And in case there’s someone with an inferiority complex, their incessant self-pity forms barriers to communication.
The solution: Use simple words and an encouraging smile to communicate effectively – and stick to constructive criticism, and not criticism because you are a perfectionist. If you see someone doing a good job, let them know, and disregard the thought that you could have done it better. It’s their job so measure them by industry standards and not your own.
This is perhaps the commonest and the most inadvertent of barriers to communication. Using big words, too much of technical jargon or even using just the wrong language at the incorrect or inopportune time can lead to a loss or misinterpretation of communication. It may have sounded right in your head and to your ears as well, but if sounded gobbledygook to the others, the purpose is lost.
The problem: Say you are trying to explain a process to the newbies and end up using every technical word and industry jargon that you knew – your communication has failed if the newbie understood zilch. You have to, without sounding patronizing, explain things to someone in the simplest language they understand instead of the most complex that you do.
The solution: Simplify things for the other person to understand you, and understand it well. Think about it this way: if you are trying to explain something scientific to a child, you tone it down to their thinking capacity, without “dumbing” anything down in the process.
Sometimes, we hesitate in opening our mouths, for fear of putting our foot in it! Other times, our emotional state is so fragile that we keep it and our lips zipped tightly together lest we explode. This is the time that our emotions become barriers to communication.
The problem: Say you had a fight at home and are on a slow boil, muttering, in your head, about the injustice of it all. At this time, you have to give someone a dressing down over their work performance. You are likely to transfer at least part of your angst to the conversation then, and talk about unfairness in general, leaving the other person stymied about what you actually meant!
The solution: Remove your emotions and feelings to a personal space, and talk to the other person as you normally would. Treat any phobias or fears that you have and nip them in the bud so that they don’t become a problem. And remember, no one is perfect.
Sometimes, being in an ever-shrinking world means that inadvertently, rules can make cultures clash and cultural clashes can turn into barriers to communication. The idea is to make your point across without hurting anyone’s cultural or religious sentiments.
The problem: There are so many ways culture clashes can happen during communication and with cultural clashes; it’s not always about ethnicity. A non-smoker may have problems with smokers taking breaks; an older boss may have issues with younger staff using the Internet too much.
The solution: Communicate only what is necessary to get the point across – and eave your personal sentiments or feelings out of it. Try to be accommodative of the other’s viewpoint, and in case you still need to work it out, do it one to one, to avoid making a spectacle of the other person’s beliefs.
Finally, it’s about Men from Mars and Women from Venus. Sometimes, men don’t understand women and women don’t get men – and this gender gap throws barriers in communication. Women tend to take conflict to their graves, literally, while men can move on instantly. Women rely on intuition, men on logic – so inherently, gender becomes a big block in successful communication.
The problem: A male boss may inadvertently rub his female subordinates the wrong way with anti-feminism innuendoes, or even have problems with women taking too many family leaves. Similarly, women sometimes let their emotions get the better of them, something a male audience can’t relate to.
The solution: Talk to people like people – don’t think or classify them into genders and then talk accordingly. Don’t make comments or innuendos that are gender biased – you don’t have to come across as an MCP or as a bra-burning feminist either. Keep gender out of it.
And remember, the key to successful communication is simply being open, making eye contact and smiling intermittently. The battle is usually half won when you say what you mean in simple, straightforward words and keep your emotions out of it.
|||^||Skills You Need: Barriers To Communication|
|||^||Reference: Perceptual Barrier Communication|
|||^||Chron: Attitudinal Barriers to Communication|
|||^||Guides: Overcoming Language Barriers|
|||^||Let’s Live: Emotional Barrier|
|||^||Businesstopia: Cultural Barrier Communication|
|||^||Guides: The Seven Barriers of Communication|