Have you ever been in a state of ambivalence in your relationship where you are not sure whether the two of you fit together or not? Perhaps you continually ask yourself whether you should leave and look for something better and truly fulfilling, or stay committed to the relationship and accept that what you have is good enough.
I have and let me tell you, IT SUCKS!
Ambivalence is that gray area where you are not in the relationship, but you don’t leave it either. It deprives you from joy, intimacy, freedom, hope, and ultimate happiness. A lot of us fall into this deadly trap because of low levels of self-awareness and not knowing how to choose our own happiness, thinking that our happiness depends on outside people and circumstances rather than ourselves.
How do you increase your level of self-awareness? It’s simple: ask questions.
Relationships are one of the most complex aspects of our lives. They act as doorways to people and experiences that can elevate you to new heights, or drag you down into the mud.
Here are 10 questions that can give you a clear direction of whether to end a relationship or stay committed to it.
1. If God or some divine being told you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you could finally leave?
If religion is the only reason you are still together, then the relationship is already dead, and it’s time to leave. There’s no point in staying if your heart is not in it.
2. Are you able to get your needs met in the relationship without too much difficulty?
If getting your individual needs met takes too much effort, then the relationship is doing more harm than good. It’s time to break up.
3. Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to genuinely like you?
I know it sounds very basic, but I have seen people who cannot stand each other commit to a relationship that has no future. If you don’t mutually like each other, you don’t belong together.
4. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner?
Most people say that only personality matters, not what’s on the outside. I disagree. Physical intimacy is a need in any relationship. If there’s no spark, there’s no point in staying.
5. Does your partner exhibit any behavior that makes the relationship too difficult for you to stay in? Do you find that your partner is either unwilling or incapable of changing?
If your partner behaves in a way that’s intolerable to you, then it’s time for a change or you need to leave. Trying to tolerate the intolerable will only erode your self-esteem.
6. Do you see yourself when you look into your partner’s eyes?
It’s all about compatibility. If you are not compatible, you’re better off with someone else.
7. Do you and your partner each respect each other as individuals?
No respect = No relationship.
8. Does your partner serve as an important resource for you in a way that you care about?
Your partners is supposed to enhance your life, not drain it. If you feel like every day is a struggle to keep the relationship, and you wouldn’t lose anything important to you by leaving, then leave. Most likely, you will end up finding someone else who is a resource to you.
9. Does your relationship have the demonstrated capacity for forgiveness?
No relationship is perfect, and there will be moments where you will step on each other’s toes. That is perfectly normal. But when there’s no capacity for forgiveness, and resentment slowly builds up until it replaces love, there’s only one thing left to do: leave.
10. Do you and your partner have mutual goals and dreams for your future together?
If you aren’t planning to spend your future together, something’s terribly wrong. Take off.
Featured photo credit: Bob Lancer via wisie.com