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10 Questions To Ask Before Marriage

10 Questions To Ask Before Marriage

Getting married is a huge decision. Aside from the common wedding planning blunders, you’ll need to think about the more important aspects of your future together. You’ll want to arm yourself with all the knowledge you can find prior to making the choice, so here are a few things to ask before the big day.

1. If we both became jobless, what financial resources would we have?

This question is great, because it shines some light on your partner’s financial attitudes. Jumping into the question on a worse-case-scenario basis immediately emphasizes the importance of financial competency.

Although it’s scary to imagine a world without any income, it’s good to know what sort of plan might be plausible, given your current financial attitudes.

2. If I became a full-time professional, could you manage being a full-time parent?

If this is already your situation, reverse the roles. It’s good to know what your partner’s current views are on the possibility of a role reversal. This can give you insights into your partner’s attitudes about child rearing and professional goals.

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There is no right answer to this question, but its important for both parties to know where the other stands.

3. When was the last time you visited a hospital? Why were you there?

Checking in with the last hospital visit can start a conversation about medical history. It can also provide some insight on the frequency and necessity of visits to the doctor. Rather than ask for all the relevant medical facts, reflecting on recent visits allows for a more natural conversation to occur.

4. When you reach your current goals, can you see yourself developing new dreams?

Being in love with someone who is passionate is great. Setting goals, pursuing dreams and creating new dreams are incredibly important in a successful life. Although nobody can anticipate the details of such a situation, it is important to check in and see if the spark of alternative dreams is still around.

5. What is the craziest sex experience you can imagine yourself participating in?

This question presses the boundaries of your partner’s sexual imagination. It is useful to explore this territory in order to explore how comfortable the two of you are in discussing this very private topic.

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If you can’t discuss sexual needs and desires with your lifelong partner, you are likely to struggle in the long run. Prior to marriage, its good to see how open the two of you are.

6. If you could only have one spiritual need met, what would it be?

It’s valuable to know what your partner’s spiritual needs are. Spirituality need not be satisfied in a church, either. Things as ordinary as playing video games can have spiritual meaning to people.

It’s not always easy to recognize what is more important to one’s spiritual side, so starting a conversation about it is critical prior to marriage.

7. Which of my friends deserves the most respect and why?

Friends are an important part of our lives. This question focuses on our partner’s attitude about our friends and whether any of those relationships can have a foundation of respect. Although we may not always get along with our partner’s friends, it is important to maintain a level of respect.

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If your partner can’t list all of your friends, don’t let it disturb you too much. You are just checking in to see if the friends that your partner can recall are reasonably accepted by him or her.

8. Which of our parents do you think may cause relationship struggles for us in the future?

Parents have a special power over us. It can be complicated if one of the parents doesn’t like your partner. It can be managed, but it is important to be able to discuss it openly with each other.

There is nothing wrong with considering what challenges may lay ahead of you if your families do ultimately combine and clash. If possible, you may use this question to develop potential solutions to those future challenges as well.

9. What is the one thing you have to have in order to feel comfortable in daily life?

This question is designed to help your partner evaluate what things are most critical to their happiness. There are some things each one of us has to have in order to feel okay.

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These are key items which a partner has to learn to respect and work with. If your partner really needs to spend an hour a day reading and that just infuriates you, then you need to clarify that this is something needed by your loved one. It’s important to identify those items in order to facilitate communication.

10. How easy is it for you to move?

Some people see moving as a horrible challenge. Others can see the spark of opportunity within the unknown. Although you may not have any moves in your foreseeable future, it’s good to check in and find out if moving, in the future, is a real possibility or not.

If it’s totally off the table, you will need to check in and see if this is compatible with your own ambitions. As with all of these questions, this is an important one in planning your future with your future spouse and going deeper than choosing a church and party hall.

Featured photo credit: NGD Photoworks via pixabay.com

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The Gentle Art of Saying No

The Gentle Art of Saying No

No!

It’s a simple fact that you can never be productive if you take on too many commitments — you simply spread yourself too thin and will not be able to get anything done, at least not well or on time.

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But requests for your time are coming in all the time — through phone, email, IM or in person. To stay productive, and minimize stress, you have to learn the Gentle Art of Saying No — an art that many people have problems with.

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What’s so hard about saying no? Well, to start with, it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person you’re saying “no” to, and that’s not usually a fun task. Second, if you hope to work with that person in the future, you’ll want to continue to have a good relationship with that person, and saying “no” in the wrong way can jeopardize that.

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But it doesn’t have to be difficult or hard on your relationship. Here are the Top 10 tips for learning the Gentle Art of Saying No:

  1. Value your time. Know your commitments, and how valuable your precious time is. Then, when someone asks you to dedicate some of your time to a new commitment, you’ll know that you simply cannot do it. And tell them that: “I just can’t right now … my plate is overloaded as it is.”
  2. Know your priorities. Even if you do have some extra time (which for many of us is rare), is this new commitment really the way you want to spend that time? For myself, I know that more commitments means less time with my wife and kids, who are more important to me than anything.
  3. Practice saying no. Practice makes perfect. Saying “no” as often as you can is a great way to get better at it and more comfortable with saying the word. And sometimes, repeating the word is the only way to get a message through to extremely persistent people. When they keep insisting, just keep saying no. Eventually, they’ll get the message.
  4. Don’t apologize. A common way to start out is “I’m sorry but …” as people think that it sounds more polite. While politeness is important, apologizing just makes it sound weaker. You need to be firm, and unapologetic about guarding your time.
  5. Stop being nice. Again, it’s important to be polite, but being nice by saying yes all the time only hurts you. When you make it easy for people to grab your time (or money), they will continue to do it. But if you erect a wall, they will look for easier targets. Show them that your time is well guarded by being firm and turning down as many requests (that are not on your top priority list) as possible.
  6. Say no to your boss. Sometimes we feel that we have to say yes to our boss — they’re our boss, right? And if we say “no” then we look like we can’t handle the work — at least, that’s the common reasoning. But in fact, it’s the opposite — explain to your boss that by taking on too many commitments, you are weakening your productivity and jeopardizing your existing commitments. If your boss insists that you take on the project, go over your project or task list and ask him/her to re-prioritize, explaining that there’s only so much you can take on at one time.
  7. Pre-empting. It’s often much easier to pre-empt requests than to say “no” to them after the request has been made. If you know that requests are likely to be made, perhaps in a meeting, just say to everyone as soon as you come into the meeting, “Look guys, just to let you know, my week is booked full with some urgent projects and I won’t be able to take on any new requests.”
  8. Get back to you. Instead of providing an answer then and there, it’s often better to tell the person you’ll give their request some thought and get back to them. This will allow you to give it some consideration, and check your commitments and priorities. Then, if you can’t take on the request, simply tell them: “After giving this some thought, and checking my commitments, I won’t be able to accommodate the request at this time.” At least you gave it some consideration.
  9. Maybe later. If this is an option that you’d like to keep open, instead of just shutting the door on the person, it’s often better to just say, “This sounds like an interesting opportunity, but I just don’t have the time at the moment. Perhaps you could check back with me in [give a time frame].” Next time, when they check back with you, you might have some free time on your hands.
  10. It’s not you, it’s me. This classic dating rejection can work in other situations. Don’t be insincere about it, though. Often the person or project is a good one, but it’s just not right for you, at least not at this time. Simply say so — you can compliment the idea, the project, the person, the organization … but say that it’s not the right fit, or it’s not what you’re looking for at this time. Only say this if it’s true — people can sense insincerity.

Featured photo credit: Pexels via pexels.com

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