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10 Hidden Life Killers You Are Tolerating That Are Stressing You Out

10 Hidden Life Killers You Are Tolerating That Are Stressing You Out

Are you constantly stressed out? Does your stress seem to have no immediate cause or solution? Here are 10 hidden stressors that can make you miserable and ruin your life.

Many times in life, it feels like everything is bad. You are so stressed that you cannot imagine a life without difficulty. Well, a good life is possible. Here are ten things to look for and handle that will smooth it all out for you and put you back in control.

1. Recognize that there are people who are out to sabotage you and are intentionally trying to be difficult.

Yes, I know it sounds paranoid, but these people exist, and when you recognize that they exist and take actions to protect yourself and those around, your life can magically smooth out.

Back in the day I managed an insurance claims office. It was a very stressful job and the reason it was so stressful, I later found out, was because there were two of my staff members who had nothing better to do than stir the pot with their co-workers.

They would tell one person lies about another person in the office, then go to the person that they had first slandered and tell lies about the other person. This pitted the two people against each other while the one manufacturing and telling the lies would sit back and watch the drama.

It happened over and over again. The entire office was in chaos and my staff were at each other’s throats. It was all because of these two people. Since the whole office was involved, I could not see the source of the trouble.

It turned out that these two pot stirrers were also the least productive of my staff, so I ultimately fired them. After I did this, everything smoothed out and the work got done.  It was like magic. These people hide themselves well but here are some clues to spotting them:

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Be suspicious when someone tells you gossip about a friend, family member or co worker. Chances are they are telling lies and gossip about you to other people as well.

Be suspicious when someone laughs or takes pleasure in another person’s pain or discomfort. This is a sign of sadistic personality.

Be suspicious when two people are constantly arguing and they can’t solve their differences. When this occurs, suspect that there are lies being told by another person who does not appear to be part of the conflict. Act accordingly. You can ask each one whether someone else has been talking down the other person.

You could be very surprised. Normal, ethical people have a hard time believing that someone would initiate hatred and upset just for sport, but it does happen and you need to be aware and protect yourself.

Be suspicious when someone you have been in good communication with suddenly is cold and hostile to you. Ask that person who has said something negative about you and clear the air. Then deal with the person telling the lies. The people who do these things depend on secrecy and “confidentiality,” banking on the fact that the person being lied to will protect their secrets. Don’t play that game. Open and clean communication is the key to harmony. When secret and harmful lies are told, it opens the door to hostility and chaos.

2. Don’t attempt to live up to someone else’s expectations.

Not only does this cause you stress, but it also limits you greatly! No one knows the miracles you are capable of but you. You are the only one who can shape and execute your goals. Sometimes they differ greatly from what your parents or peers may want from you, but the bottom line is that you shape your own future, and if it is YOUR plan and YOUR goal, you will meet it as long as you don’t agree with other people’s counter intentions.

There is an unlimited future for you if you stop trying to be someone other than who you really are.

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3. Don’t confuse the past with the present.

Everybody I know has had many moments of pain and upset in the past, and nobody wants to repeat them. But fear of repeating painful moments or past mistakes can paralyze you in the present. Just because you failed at something once doesn’t mean you will fail at it again. Our “failures” give us valuable experience that we can use for our next attempt. Redefine “failure” for yourself. I personally believe that the only “failure” is giving up. Which brings me to our next point.

4. Don’t give up on your goals

“Failure” is just lack of persistence. If you never give up, you have never failed. It is as simple as that. There are so many things that our society defines as “failures.” Things like losing money, finding out you wasted time or having something not turn out exactly as you wanted are not failures. There is a learning curve in life. With time and money, the simple rule of thumb is never bet more than you can afford to lose. As far as things not turning out the way you wanted, keep at it until they do, but don’t ignore the fact that sometimes they turn out even better if you allow yourself to see beyond your set idea of “success.”

For each step on the way, use what you have and make it better. Your goals can be fluid. They can change as you learn more about how to achieve them. It is ok to start with the goal of finding a castle and end up with a little cottage by the sea if that is what makes you happy.  Don’t let others make you stick to an original goal if you find that it is no longer what you want.

5. Don’t listen to people who are negative about your dreams.

A person without dreams and goals is a very sad person indeed. They have nothing that pushes and drives them to put one foot in front of the other. Your goals don’t have to be giant and they don’t have to be something that everyone else agrees on. All they have to be is YOURS.

I once had a sky high goal of purchasing a property abroad. I spent hours researching, dreaming, saving money and telling all my friends how great it was going to be. Some people came out of the wood work to tell me how stupid it was to even consider doing so. I went ahead with my plan and did it anyway. That has been the single most exciting and wonderful thing I have ever done. Set your goals sky high and go after them. If you “fail,” think of a another way to get what you want.

There are many ways to go about achieving goals. Keep thinking up new ones if the old ones don’t work.

6. Prepare yourself for what you know is coming.

This is vital. Those who know me know that I am a musician and an instructor. The biggest barrier my students face is overcoming stage fright. This is crippling for so many people.

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My one piece of advice is prepare your act so well that you can perform it even if a volcano is erupting in front of you. Many times, stress is simply fear of the unknown. You never know what is going to happen and if you are well prepared, you know you will pull it off. You cannot deal with the uncertainties of performing or even making a presentation at work or asking for a raise unless you prepare your “act” in advance and allow for every possible unexpected occurrence.

This can be true for anything in life that you have difficulty with. I am sure that the best marriage proposals in history were very well rehearsed.

7. Stop listening to those nasty little doubts inside your head.

Those little doubts are not some unconscious positive influence. They are not angels or divine advice. They are internal sabotage mechanisms. Listen to them at your peril.

So many times I have seen people give up their dreams because of these stupid doubts. What I have also seen is that the more you listen to them and take their advice, the stronger they get and the weaker you get. How many brilliant people with brilliant ideas have been idle because they listened to their inner doubts?

There is nothing to be gained by running around inside your head and listening to those little creepy doubts that arise for no reason at all. Kick them to the curb. Instead say this to yourself: “I am strong and smart enough to do this. Anything that says otherwise is completely wrong and I won’t listen to it. I WILL keep going on my path.”

8. Stop looking for the bad in yourself and others and start looking for and praising the good.

This is something that turned my life around recently. I wrote a blog about it because it completely salvaged my relationship with my children. As an artist and instructor, I am constantly looking for tiny imperfections that, when corrected, make my performance and those of my students better. As a result I can see the most imperceptible imperfections in anything. It is a blessing and a curse. I can use this to get my students to a very high level of perfection but, if not controlled, it can make it impossible for them to live up to what they believe my expectations are and theirs should be.

While it is good to see imperfections, it is bad to focus only on those. One must see the good and the perfect in people in order for them to have the confidence to go after and achieve their own goals. If you see and comment upon the good in people and ignore the bad habits and things that irritate you, you will build great relationships with others and your stress level will dramatically decrease.

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Try it! Go to the supermarket and find something you like about the clerk. Tell them you like their earrings or whatever. You will get a smile, a nice chat and you will have made someone’s day. Go practice this! It’s fun!

9. If your boss or job is stressing you out and you cannot find a way to change it, get a new job!

I know that changing jobs is very scary and that you may feel that there are no jobs out there. If this is the case, start looking! Sometimes, just knowing that there are jobs available can make your life that much less stressful. Don’t ignore other skills you have and a possible career change. Don’t ignore your dream career either.

If you hate your job, decide what your dream job is, find out all about it and start getting the skills together to go do it. The best day of my life was when I quit working in insurance and started teaching Music. I had been a musician for years and for some dorky reason thought I could not teach. I started doing it and have been doing it happily ever since. There is no more stress coming from my job at all.

What do you want to do? What skills do you have? Get started! You can get through the worst day at your job if you know you are doing something to create your dream job in the future.

10. Go find someone to help and help them.

There is NOTHING more empowering than helping someone else. And there is no more powerful idea a person can have about himself or herself than the fact that they are worthy of being helped.

When you carry someone’s groceries or hold the door open or (my favorite) buy their Girl Scout cookies, you are letting them know they are worthy of being helped. It is a very powerful and sometimes life-changing message.

Also, give someone else the chance to help you. This empowers them because they have given you the gift of recognizing that you exist and are worthy too. If everyone did these things, not only would their stress levels decrease dramatically, but the world would be a much more comfortable, safe and friendly place.

In all of these points, the most important thing I have found, is to be true to your integrity. Know what you know and stick to your guns. Sometimes when you make changes like this to take control of your life, there will be people who don’t agree and sometimes even blow ups occur. Believe me, it’s better to let things blow up and recognize them for what they are than to allow them to go on being hidden parasites that drain your life of pleasure and meaning and stifle your productivity. Blow ups are soon forgotten but energy draining factors continue to ruin your life if they are not handled.

Be brave! Start looking at these things and handle them when you find them. Pick the one that you think affects you the most and handle that one first, then go down the list and handle the rest.  Your new life awaits!

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Chris Ellis

Successful Author, Life Coach and Musician

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Last Updated on April 6, 2020

10 Powerful Ways to Influence People Positively

10 Powerful Ways to Influence People Positively

Most discussions on positively influencing others eventually touch on Dale Carnegie’s seminal work, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Written more than 83 years ago, the book touches on a core component of human interaction, building strong relationships. It is no wonder why.

Everything that we do hinges on our ability to connect with others and formulate deep relationships. You cannot sell a house, buy a house, advance in most careers, sell a product, pitch a story, teach a course, etc. without building healthy relationships. Managers get the best results from their teams, not through brute force, but to careful appeals to their sensibilities, occasional withdrawals from the reservoir of respect they’ve built. Using these tactics, they can influence others to excellence, to productivity, and to success.

Carnegie’s book is great. Of course, there are other resources too. Most of us have someone in our lives who positively influences us. The truth is positively influencing people is about centering the humanity of others. Chances are, you know someone who is really good at making others feel like stars. They can get you to do things that the average person cannot. Where the requests of others sound like fingernails on a chalkboard, the request from this special person sounds like music to your ears. You’re delighted to not only listen but also to oblige.

So how to influence people in a positive way? Read on for tips.

1. Be Authentic

To influence people in a positive way, be authentic. Rather than being a carbon copy of someone else’s version of authenticity, uncover what it is that makes you unique.

Discover your unique take on an issue and then live up to and honor that. Once of the reasons social media influencers are so powerful is that they have carved out a niche for themselves or taken a common issue and approached it from a novel or uncommon way. People instinctually appreciate people whose public persona matches their private values.

Contradictions bother us because we crave stability. When someone professes to be one way, but lives contrary to that profession, it signals that they are confused or untrustworthy and thereby, inauthentic. Neither of these combinations bode well for positively influencing others.

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2. Listen

Growing up, my father would tell me to listen to what others said. He told me if I listened carefully, I would know all I needed to know about a person’s character, desires and needs.

To positively influence others, you must listen to what is spoken and what is left unsaid. Therein lies the explanation for what people need in order to feel validated, supported and seen. If a person feels they are invisible, and unseen by their superiors, they are less likely to be positively influenced by that person.

Listening meets a person’s primary need of validation and acceptance.

Take a look at this guide on how to be a better listener: How to Practice Active Listening (A Step-By-Step Guide)

3. Become an Expert

Most people are predisposed to listen to, if not respect, authority. If you want to positively influence others, become an authority in the area in which you seek to lead others. Research and read everything you can about the given topic, and then look for opportunities to put your education into practice.

You can argue over opinions. You cannot argue, or it is unwise to argue, over facts and experts come with facts.

4. Lead with Story

From years of working in the public relations space, I know that personal narratives, testimonials and impact stories are incredibly powerful. But I never cease to be amazed with how effective a well-timed and told story can be.

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If you want to influence people, learn to tell stories. Your stories should be related to the issue or concept you are discussing. They should be an analogy or metaphor that explains your topic in ordinary terms and in vivid detail. To learn more about how to tell powerful stories, and the ethics of storytelling, take a look at this article: How To Tell An Interesting Story In 4 Simple Steps

5. Lead by Example

It is incredibly inspiring to watch passionate, talented people at work or play. One of the reasons a person who is not an athlete can be in awe of athletic prowess is because human nature appreciates the extraordinary. When we watch the Olympics, Olympic trials, gymnastic competitions, ice skating, and other competitive sports, we can recognize the effort of people who day in and day out give their all. C

ase in point: Simone Biles. The gymnast extraordinaire won her 6TH all-around title at the U.S. Gymnastics Championships after doing a triple double. She was the first woman to do so. Watching her gave me chills. Even non-gymnasts and non-competitive athletes can appreciate the talent required to pull off such a remarkable feat.

We celebrate remarkable accomplishments and believe that their example is proof that we too can accomplish something great, even if it isn’t qualifying for the Olympics. To influence people in a positive way, we must lead by example, lead with intention and execute with excellence.

6. Catch People Doing Good

A powerful way to influence people in a positive way is to catch people doing good. Instead of looking for problems, look for successes. Look for often overlooked, but critically important things that your peers, subordinates and managers do that make the work more effective and more enjoyable.

Once you catch people doing good, name and notice their contributions.

7. Be Effusive with Praise

It did not take me long to notice a remarkable trait of a former boss. He not only began and ended meetings with praise, but he peppered praise throughout the entire meeting. He found a way to celebrate the unique attributes and skills of his team members. He was able to quickly and accurately assess what people were doing well and then let them and their colleagues know.

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Meetings were not just an occasion to go through a “To Do” list, they were opportunities to celebrate accomplishments, no matter how small they are.

8. Be Kind Rather Than Right

I am going to level with you; this one is tough. It is easy to get caught up in a cycle of proving oneself. For people who lack confidence, or people who prioritize the opinions of others, being right is important. The validation that comes with being perceived as “right” feeds one’s ego. But in the quest to be “right,” we can hurt other people. Once we’ve hurt someone by being unkind, it is much harder to get them to listen to what we’re trying to influence them to do.

The antidote to influencing others via bullying is to prioritize kindness above rightness. You can be kind and still stand firm in your position. For instance, many people think that they need others to validate their experience. If a person does not see the situation you experienced in the way you see it, you get upset. But your experience is your experience.

If you and your friends go out to eat and you get food poisoning, you do not need your friends to agree that the food served at the restaurant was problematic for you. Your own experience of getting food poisoning is all the validation you need. Therefore, taking time to be right is essentially wasted and, if you were unkind in seeking validation for your food-poison experience, now you’ve really lost points.

9. Understand a Person’s Logical, Emotional and Cooperative Needs

The Center for Creative Leadership has argued that the best way to influence others is to appeal to their logical, emotional and cooperative needs. Their logical need is their rational and educational need. Their emotional need is the information that touches them in a deeply personal manner. The cooperative need is understanding the level of cooperation various individuals need and then appropriately offering it.

The trick with this system is to understand that different people need different things. For some people, a strong emotional appeal will outweigh logical explanations. For others, having an opportunity to collaborate will override emotional connection.

If you know your audience, you will know what they need in order to be positively influenced. If you have limited information about the people whom you are attempting to influence, you will be ineffective.

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10. Understand Your Lane

If you want to positively influence others, operate from your sphere of influence. Operate from your place of expertise. Leave everything else to others. Gone are the days when being a jack of all trades is celebrated.

Most people appreciate brands that understand their target audience and then deliver on what that audience wants. When you focus on what you are uniquely gifted and qualified to do, and then offer that gift to the people who need it, you are likely more effective. This effectiveness is attractive.

You cannot positively influence others if you are more preoccupied by what others do well versus what you do well.

Final Thoughts

Influencing people is about centering your humanity. If you want to influence others positively, focus on the way you communicate and improve the relationship with yourself first.

It’s hard to influence others if you’re still trying to figure out how to communicate with yourself.

More Tips About Making Influence

Featured photo credit: Wonderlane via unsplash.com

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