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Published on March 26, 2019

Your Life Is a Mess? How to Fix It and Turn Things Around

Your Life Is a Mess? How to Fix It and Turn Things Around

Your home is a mess, but not even half as messy as your life. Your partner isn’t talking to you, your work life seems out of control, your social relationships don’t go the way you want, and you feel like something is missing in life…

We all go through a point in our life where everything seems out of control. Once you get to that point, it’s hard to know where to start.

If you’re reading this, then chances are you’re at this point.

The bad news is that it will be hard. The good news is that you will get through it.

In this article, you’ll learn 3 steps to fix it and turn things around.

Step 1: Recognize the Mess You Have

It’s easy to say that you have to take back control of your life, but how do you actually do this?

If there was one right answer, most people wouldn’t deal with this problem for more than a minute.

The true is there isn’t one. There is no quick solution, but there are ways to deal with it.

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First, you have to recognize that you have a problem. If you tell yourself everything is fine, then there is nothing to fix. The moment you don’t prioritize dealing with your problems is the moment you lose.

It’s possible to get through your days even though your life is a mess. Because maybe your home isn’t a mess. Maybe everything looks alright from the outside. We can still go to work and pick the kids up from school despite our problems, but day by day you’ll become more and more anxious and depressed, until it finally hits you all at a once.

The first step is therefore to take your problems seriously and actively decide to turn things around. Maybe you’re not at a breaking point yet, but you will get there if you keep ignoring the mess.

Step 2: Know What Are out of Control, and Let Go of Them

When your life seems like a mess, it often comes down to a lot of things around us that aren’t going the way they are supposed to. It can be the small things like a messy kitchen and the big things like personal relationships not working out, or bills that are overflowing.

Start out by figuring out exactly where it all seems to go wrong at the moment. Sit down and write down everything that’s been bothering you.

It may seem basic and stupid to spend time on a list like that, because with everything you should be doing – making a list about it just creates even more pressure on you.

But by writing it down, you’ll be able to get a good look at your messy life. Sometimes, we need to see the problems on a paper written down in our own words. My boyfriend keeps cheating on me. I’m way over my budget every month. My co-worker doesn’t like me.

Once you do this, you’ll be able to see that a lot of the things that seems to make your life a mess is out of your control. Underline all the things on the list that you can’t control and then let go of them.

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It’s very normal (and okay) to have a lot of these out-of-our-control things on the list as well as problems that aren’t even really problems. Humans need problems, but we need to be able to solve them.

Mark Manson explains it like this,[1]

“Problems are a constant in life. When you solve your health problem by buying a gym membership, you create new problems, like having to get up early to get to the gym on time, sweating like a meth-head for thirty minutes on an elliptical, and then getting showered and changed for work, so you don’t stink up the whole office. When your solve problem of not spending enough time with your partner by designating Wednesday night “date night”, you generate new problems, such as figuring out what to do every Wednesday that you both won’t hate, making sure you have enough money for nice dinners, rediscovering the chemistry and spark you two feel you’ve lost…”

Problems are a constant in every human life, but stop creating problems you can’t fix.

We get so caught up in small things like our partner liking someone else’s picture on social media. It’s much easier to let our bottled-up anger out on a person about a picture instead of saying you’re not happy anymore and that you should have broken up six months ago.

So, to recap step 2:

Pinpoint all the things that are brining you down that you can’t control. Problems are okay. They are a part of human existence, but if you want to move on and fix your life, then you need to only focus on the problems that can be solved.

Step 3: Don’t Get Lost in Distractions and Fantasies

When your life starts to feel like a mess, it’s often because we’ve been moving forward at a fast pace, but somehow still feel like we’re standing still. You thought that if you just kept going for another week, another month, or maybe even another year, you would get “there”.

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You’re not sure where, but you told yourself that you would know this happy place once you got there.

Then you wake up one day and all the problems are still there. The magic solution you thought would save you from all the negative things in your life was nothing else than a tale.

We tell ourselves that we can overcome problems like having too many bills, if we just find our true love, or that it doesn’t matter you’re alone and miserable as long as you get the promotion at work.

We like to idealize the idea of a few good things in life that we’ve seen in all the movies: the perfect job, the perfect partner… And then we tell ourselves that instead of focusing on the small problems in our life, we should focus on getting those.

It’s in fact delusional to think that one good thing in life can make all the bad things go away. It’s a fantasy.

Even if you do get that one good thing that you’ve put so much pressure on getting, it will end up backfiring and make you feel even more sad once you get it, because you realize that all the other things in your life did kind of matter as well.

Instead of finding a quick fix, or chasing a fantasy, you should embrace the suffering. Mark Manson expressed his concern about today’s society in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck:

“I believe that today we’re facing a psychological epidemic one in which people no longer realize it’s okay for things to suck sometimes.”

While it’s important to not spend time caring about all the problems we can’t fix, it’s just as important to care about the things we do have the ability to fix.

Maybe you can run away from your problems for a while — getting caught up in a new relationship that makes you forget that you’ve broken the one with your family, or a new promotion can make you forget that you actually wanted to do something else with your life. Unfortunately, the on-going problems in your life will come back and they will hit you much harder.

The final step is therefore to keep your focus on the problems that can be fixed. The problems in front of you that you are in control of. Embrace them. Deal with them. One day at a time.

Don’t get lost in distractions. They might make you feel better for a minute, but they’ll make everything worse in the long run.

It doesn’t mean that you can’t fall in love or enjoy some good news at work while you’re dealing with your problems. But remember to deal with your pain and problems instead of pushing them to the side.

More to Boost Your Motivation

Featured photo credit: Riccardo Mion via unsplash.com

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Maria Jensen

Specializes in personal and professional development.

Common Fears of Every Job Seeker (and How to Deal with Them) Do You Have a Fear of Disappointing Others? How to Conquer It for Good How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others & Celebrate Your Uniqueness Your Life Is a Mess? How to Fix It and Turn Things Around How to Know Yourself and Seek Self Improvement

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Last Updated on August 19, 2019

5 Steps to Cultivate a Positive Mental Attitude

5 Steps to Cultivate a Positive Mental Attitude

Cultivating a positive mental attitude starts with a realization — a realization that you’re not the only one who has struggled, who has survived, and who has started over again. You are not alone, and there is a way through the darkness. There is simple wisdom, which can be relied upon, to help.

Find support, but also learn self-care in how you treat yourself which is what positivity is all about. That self talk, that perception, that attitude you choose changes you and changes those around you.

According to New Stanford Study: A Positive Attitude Literally Makes Your Brain Better by Jessica Stillman,[1] Stanford researchers studies how the brain was impacted in achievement and learning when one felt or was positive about a subject. The result? Outcomes were much more favorable for that student.

We do well in areas we are positive about. But what if we can choose to be positive about, well, anything? That would change everything.

Positivity is not about just being happy, which is often the misconception. In fact, acknowledging a range of emotions is healthy. Positivity is persistence while using positive thinking strategies. It is sitting with your feelings; it is acceptance of what is; it is holding onto what makes you happy; it is purpose found in pain.

And the reasoning behind choosing to be positive — you get what you give. You receive what you believe.

Here’re 5 steps to cultivate a positive mental attitude. In part, they detail why it’s important to be positive as an understanding assists in the pursuit as much as the adoption of the mindset.

1. Attitude is What We Can Change

There’s a Maya Angelou quote that goes:

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

When you choose positivity as your attitude, you select an attitude far more destined for resilient behavior than the alternative.

When you have a negative attitude, your brain gives itself permission to develop negative thinking patterns and in turn, difficult and dark emotions. You spend all your days ruminating, or worrying about the same thing over and over again, thinking that will solve it. Doing this will cause you to miss the answers rather than make the most of the moments in front of you.

In actuality, the first thing you need to do is calm yourself. It feels counterintuitive, but that means to release your troubled mentality. When you release what is bothering you, you choose a safer attitude. One that helps you to accept your emotions, accept what is happening and accept that you don’t have all the answers. You’re less afraid of that fact.

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Attitude is everything. It’s how we heal ourselves. It’s how we stay positive. It’s how we secure things. It’s how we overcome.

Without a positive attitude, we cannot persevere. Perseverance is the point of positivity.

A positive attitude is how we fuel willpower. Willpower is how we fuel positivity. It goes in a circle. They are interchangeable.

Positivity denotes willpower. You can be standing in a storm and feel completely calm when you use positivity. You stay grounded. You stand firm. You do not fall over. And you know what? Even if you do, you get back up again.

There is a Japanese proverb, “Nana korobi ya oki” which means fall seven times, get up eight. This means you do not stop; you keep going. You make it through the hard times to find the good.

A positive attitude is about understanding you have power over your problems. Once you understand that, you can change your attitude. You have to choose positive thinking first in order to reap its benefits. Once you’ve chosen to be positive, you can do anything.

2. Positivity Is Your Unique Power

When you have lost it all, a positive attitude can help you regain it or to regain your strength. It’s the best way to live. It’s the best way to learn from life and love. When you are positive, you have a power that circumstance nor others cannot take from you.

Recognizing the power you have to carry on, to make the best of things, to keep going when everything inside you wants to quit is worth everything.

You can’t always have it all, but you can always have a positive attitude. This in itself helps you stand out, helps you to shine. It’s enough to save yourself (and others potentially) with. That power keeps you grounded and safe.

For example, say you lost someone to a disease. Instead of just thinking about the loss and seeing it as the end, a positive person may decide to contribute to a cause dedicated to that disease. In doing so, the positive person becomes a beacon of hope. They become a voice for something which in turn gives them power over their hardship.

This is how people keep going: Meaning. Meaning creates a power over our emotions, over our loss so that they do not define us.

According to the Mayo Clinic, positivity affects one’s stress levels and overall health.[2] It is that powerful. When you are positive about a situation, you are less stressful and more calm and able to reason better to solve the very problem in front of you.

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Cultivating this power is about realizing a sense of meaning can be derived from all circumstances, even senseless tragedies. People often contribute to something greater than themselves when they are searching for meaning, for purpose, for positivity, for power.

You don’t always have to have a reason for why something happens, but you can use whatever happens for a greater cause. It’s subjective, changing from person to person. That’s why no matter how much you want to derive meaning from an event, there are no outright answers about how to do that.

So, what do you do? Meditate. Listen.

“Whatever purifies you is the right path, I will not try to define it. Let go of your mind then be mindful. Close your ears and listen.” — Rumi

3. Be Absolutely Present

In life, you have control over your ability to be present in the moment, even if not control over everything. You have the moment.

Positivity is telling yourself that this moment is what matters. You can’t regret the past or see the future. The only way to be positive is to be here. What do you have right in front of you? Suddenly, your life shifts to gratitude.

Gratitude serves us in letting go of what we do not need. Listing what makes us happy is one way to stay present. What do you have right now that you can use? You have the tools to be positive.

Some techniques to getting there are through meditations or mantras. For example, “Nothing bad is happening right now” is an easy one to incorporate. Your past traumas can’t trip you when you ground yourself in the present, and your ability to reason further develops to the point that even if you can’t see the future, you know it will play out like this– with you empowered and in the moment, using all your wisdom and tools and positivity to persevere. That’s all you need.

Focus on the moment. In a blog about Mindfulness, Courtney Ackerman writes that one such exercise is to live in the moment to reduce worrying.[3] Think about the past and future in small, manageable doses. But focus mostly on the present, what is happening right here and now. This will reduce worrying and therefore stress as well as other negative emotions significantly.

This will allow you to be positive.

4. Practice Self-Love

Self-talk is the core of self-love, the core of what positivity is all about. Positive self-talk leads to self-love. And when our own cup is empty, we can pour into another’s. We have to help ourselves first before we can help others.

What we say to ourselves is how we practice positivity or put it into action.

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For example, there’s a children’s book called The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper where the train thinks, “I think I can, I think I can” the whole way through its travels. The result? It could because it told itself that it can.

Such a simple concept for a complex world. And yet, it works.

This is also how self-love works. What you tell yourself is powerful and makes its mark. Here are examples of things you could tell yourself to practice positivity:

  • I am enough.
  • I am worthwhile.
  • I can do this, I just have to hold on.
  • I will make it through this.
  • I am powerful.
  • I am unstoppable.

Here’re more examples for you: 10 Positive Affirmations for Success that will Change your Life. Add to this list with your own!

When you write these positive mantras, you start to feel them. If you write “I am positive about this situation” enough times, you will start to feel that positivity seep in.

Loving yourself is not going to be easy nor come overnight. There will be a mess of feelings, regrets, negative self talk and more that you will have to carefully tip toe through to hold your own heart. Your heart needs love, and often, we deny what it needs in pursuit of purposeless pleasures such as external rewards rather than internal motivation for a life well lived. We live for what others think of us, say about us, and sometimes, losing it all or going through hardship can teach us what we really need: ourselves.

Loving yourself needs to come from an authentic place, not a “fake it til you make it” mentality. It needs to be real. It needs to include those flaws and all. That’s all you can do to become positive about yourself. You have to start within and do the work necessary to heal and be healthy.

Take a look at these 30 Self Care Habits for a Strong and Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit and try to practice them.

5. Avoid Toxic Positivity (Unhealthy Positivity)

Avoid the white knuckling type of positivity where you don’t acknowledge your struggles or pain (as they also serve you). You don’t just want to tell yourself to move on because that equates to repression.

Emotions are part of positivity. You want to sit with your feelings. You want to acknowledge them, give them a voice. Instead of telling yourself to move on, you let your emotions lead to a breakthrough that helps you cope with the changes of life.

The greatest misconceptions made about being positive is assuming one does not have to feel in order to change. Throwing away hurt, anger, grief, sadness, all those emotions we associate with being “negative” only thwart our growth and power. Positivity is USING these things to better yourself or the world around you because you’re not going to give in to them. They do not become you or your identity.

You don’t have to be the white knuckling soldier you’ve always been. You say your emotions, then follow up with a use or outlet for them. That makes your positivity profound.

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Positivity is not about wearing a mask; it is the opposite of a mask. It is freedom from negative thinking strategies such as jumping to conclusions, black or white thinking, worst case scenario assumptions and more. It’s acknowledging that there may be more strength or ability in you than previously assumed. And it’s worth it to find out.

Toxic positivity may suggest you simply put a smile on and act fine. That’s not real positivity. Healthy positivity is about showing up when you’re tired; loving when you are feeling loss; healing when you want to cling to your hurt. It’s realization that you are worth it, not worth writing off. And you care about the outcome, so you stay to sort it out. You don’t abandon or jump ship. You hold on. That’s healthy positivity.

So that one day you may say to others, “I see you. I feel you. I understand you,” because you have been where they are and got through it. It’s acknowledging the dark as much as the light.

It’s living so others may live; it’s all you need. It’s not an exact formula everyone can replicate, and no one can copy you either. Your story is important. You are meant to be here. You are meant to do well. It will be those thoughts that get you to the finish line. Thriving.

Final Thoughts

In every moment, you’re not going to want to be positive. There will be times when you want to throw in the towel. But even then, choosing your attitude, recognizing the power of positivity, being absolutely present, practicing self-love and avoiding toxic or unhealthy positivity will better your days and assist through your trials.

Being positive isn’t easy, but it’s worth it to see what is going to happen next. Just around the corner may be the change you need, but you’ll never know if you don’t hold on to find out.

Positivity is about being curious enough to stay for the outcome because you simply believe, hold onto and trust in yourself and some goodness in this world. That’s enough to keep one going, and enough to help them go from surviving to thriving which is where you want to be.

Everyone has low moments. There’s nothing to be ashamed of for that. You can feel negative emotions though without shaming yourself for them by practicing healthy positivity. These steps are how to cultivate a positive mental attitude.

That way you don’t live with regret. You live in the moment. You make the decision how.

You can start at anytime. Positivity can be like a switch of perception. Once you uplift yourself, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. And soon, you’ll be onto uplifting others which helps even more.

Positivity is contagious. It spreads like sunlight over the darkness. You can be the source of that sunlight. All you have to do is simple: Believe you can.

Good luck!

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Featured photo credit: Court Prather via unsplash.com

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