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The Only Way to Stop Haters From Ruining Your Life

The Only Way to Stop Haters From Ruining Your Life

“Haters’ gonna hate, hate, hate” song lyrics pop into my mind when I think about jealousy. This song takes on jealousy and haters in a light hearted way; to simply shake it off. However, it’s not that easy to shake off haters and jealousy. We all have a tendency to take negative comments to heart, even when we don’t know the person well. Everyone deals with haters and jealous people. Even Mother Theresa had criticism and hatred directed at her. It doesn’t matter who you are or what positive influence you are trying to make it the world; haters will always exist. Nobody is exempt from jealousy and hatred from others, we are all subject to its cruelty during life.

It can hurt even more to have a friend who is jealous, because the actions and emotional expressions of a jealous person are not kind or loving. When it comes from a friend or loved one, we take it more personally. However, you need to understand that their jealousy is caused by their own underlying issues and it is not your fault.

Most jealousy is rooted in feelings of inadequacy

The person sees something in you or another person that makes them feel that they aren’t as good. It could be real or imagined, but the feelings of inadequacy are projected through negative thoughts or actions. Jealousy emerges as a reaction or solution to those feelings of inadequacy. For example, a woman may be jealous of her friend who makes more money, has a nice car, and designer clothing. Rather than being happy for her friend’s success this woman feels that her income, car, and clothing are inadequate by comparison. She may feel like a failure in life because her success is not even on the same scale as her friend and they graduated at the same time with the same degree.

Instead of dealing with these underlying feelings of inadequacy, the jealousy turns into little digs and insults when they are together. The jealous friend makes comments such as “it must be nice to get a new car every two years” and “wow, that purse must have cost enough to feed a small village for a month”. Those comments that are coming out of jealousy may make the jealous friend feel better momentarily, but they don’t address the underlying feelings of inadequacy and thus the jealousy will continue until the problem is addressed.

Even if the jealous friend begins making more money, or gets a better car and clothing, she will find a new friend to be jealous toward or something else with the existing friend to be jealous about, because the inadequacy is the driving force. Jealousy is a powerful force.

However, there are ways for a person to handle a jealous person that can help disarm a jealous person or prevent oneself from being exposed to jealous comments and actions. There is not a one size fits all solution to dealing with jealousy and hatred. Each situation is unique and needs to be handled accordingly. Below are some tips on how to deal with jealous and hateful people.

Delete, delete, delete

The era of social media has made it increasingly easy for people to hide behind their computer screen to hurl insults and jabs at people they know or even do not know. Much of these insults are coming from the person’s jealousy which is based on their own feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction with their own lives. They take to social media and they have a protected platform by which they can insult others.

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There is power in the delete button. If someone is saying something negative about you on your personal page or forum then delete their comments. If their behavior persists, then unfriend or block the person. If you don’t have the ability to delete their comments, then block the person, so you don’t have to subject yourself to their comments. They will no longer be able to see you in the online forum, so they will have to turn their jealous comments and hatred toward someone else.

You don’t have to tolerate online bullies. Delete them, to prevent yourself to being further subject to someone else’s jealousy that is based on their own insecurities. This is especially helpful if the person is not related to you or is simply an acquaintance. If it is a person in your life that you feel you cannot block on social media then you need to talk to the person about the issue head on.

Take the Issue head on

There are times when you cannot delete or avoid the comments of a jealous individual. No matter how you try to disarm the person by changing the subject, it doesn’t stop them. In those situations, the best option is to talk with them about what is happening.

Do not approach them at a time when you are angry, such as when an altercation or bout of jealousy has just occurred. Talk to them when you can be completely calm, rational, and you know what you want to say. Have your comments ready before you approach the person, so you know your talking points and have thought about their possible reactions. Talk to them in a way that you would want to be talked to, using kindness and empathy.

For example, if your co-worker is always calling out your mistakes in front of your boss, then approaching your colleague by saying “why the heck are you throwing me under the bus in front of the boss all the time?” may not cause a nice reaction. Approaching the person in such an abrupt and rude way is likely to cause a defensive reaction that will be equally if not more unkind. Instead, chose a kinder approach and you are more likely to get a response that seeks to understand where you are coming from and they are also more likely to recognize how you are feeling. Such a statement you could use in this example would be “I feel bad when you tell the boss things that I do wrong and it is affecting our working relationship, which I want to be a positive relationship”.

Taking on the issue of jealousy head on is especially important when it comes to family and close relationships. You want to improve those relationships, so let the person know that you are coming to them for that reason.

Remind yourself that it’s them and not you

Take a step back and pause when you are getting treated unfairly because of someone’s jealousy. Remind yourself that it is not you that has the problem, it is them. Their jealousy and underlying issues are causing them to act this way. Try not to take it personally. It is easier said than done. However, if you do pause and take the time to analyze why they may be acting jealous, you can begin to understand what may be motivating their behaviors, which then makes it easier to digest the circumstance.

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For example, if you have a family member who is jealous of your family vacations and makes rude comments about how much money you spend on your vacations you can reflect on her life situation. Her husband is out of work and they are unable to take vacations for the time being. She has jealousy that is actually based in her own sadness that she can’t take vacations like you are right now. Recognizing that her feelings of jealousy are actually rooted in sadness and not any actual hatred toward you can make you empathize with her life situation. Your reaction can thus be more empathetic.

Perhaps you realize you shouldn’t talk about your vacations in front of her since it is a trigger point for her at this time. Life changes, and someday they may be taking vacations again soon. When she comes to tell you about her vacation then be the bigger person by listening, giving her positive responses while she talks, and restrain from telling about your latest vacation unless she asks you about it.

Being the bigger person is never easier, but with practice it does come more naturally. What you will discover over time is that people will naturally be more drawn to you when you are interested in talking about them and not yourself. Their jealousy will subside because the focus has been turned toward the positive that is happening in their life and not lack thereof because they are comparing themselves to you. 

Being the bigger person is especially important with family and close relationships. If you want your relationships to thrive, then show them that you love and care for them by talking about the positive in their life and avoiding anything about your life that may trigger their jealousy. The less you can talk about yourself, unless asked, the better, especially when it comes to someone who has jealousy issues with you.

Disarm them with positivity

Knowing that a person’s jealousy is rooted in their own insecurities, self doubt, and feelings of inadequacy can help you be more understanding and change your reaction when someone acts out in jealousy toward you. If a friend makes jealous comments toward you because of how perfect your home always looks then disarm them with a positive comment. For example, you could say “your garden is much prettier than mine, you certainly have a green thumb that I don’t have, its nice that we all have different strengths and abilities”.

Providing them with a compliment and also acknowledging that differences exist and that is normal and fine will help ease their own insecurities. You can’t compliment someone into happiness, but you can help disarm their negative comments that are rooted in jealousy if you provide them with positive feedback.

It is not always easy to compliment someone, especially if it is someone that your are not close to or you do not find them very likeable. However, it is empowering to them and to you when you practice positivity. It makes them feel better by helping them recognize the positive in themselves. It will also make you feel good when you help make someone’s day and life a little brighter.

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Words carry power. Being a positive influence in the world, especially when it comes to a person who feels like they are less than you, is a powerful force. Help others to be better and do better by focusing on the positive, especially when negative comments are coming your way. If you are able to practice this method of disarming a jealous person it will become easier and more consistent over time. You will find that they will in time return the favor with compliments toward you and others. Showing love and using positive words to encourage can be infectious, so spread it among many and your community and world will become a better place.

Ignore and avoid

There is a slim percentage of this world that simply does not change no matter what tactic you use to disarm or disengage their jealous behaviors. These haters will hate you because you are too perfect, then they will hate on you the next day because of your faults.

You can never do right by some people. These people, once you recognize who they are, should be limited or cut out of your life. You don’t need someone who is continually trying to tear you down in life. Their own insecurities may be so deeply rooted that only professional help will help change their ways. Their behavior, if it is impeding on your life, and your attempts to make them stop have not worked allow you to cut ties with the individual with more peace of mind.

There is no rule in life that says you have to be friends with every person you know or encounter. There are some mean people in this world who will always be dissatisfied by their own life and thus insult and hate on others constantly. Don’t get sucked into their drama and insults. Avoid them, change jobs if the situation is severe enough that it affecting your mental well being and attitude in life. Don’t allow this type of person to be disruptive to your life. You have control over your life and who you spend time with. Anyone who is continually hurling insults at you out of jealousy is not deserving of your time and energy. If it is a family member, you can limit your time and exposure to the person. If you feel like you need to be around them in order to spend time with the whole family, then avoid direct interactions or make contact as brief as possible. If do interact, remind yourself again that their comments are based on their own unhappiness in life and have nothing to do with you.

You cannot control the way they act, but you can control how you react to this person. Chose the higher ground, which is not reacting to their negativity. Although it will still not be pleasant, not giving them the satisfaction of seeing you upset can help you get over the situation more quickly and move on to more pleasant people and conversations. Don’t allow yourself to get cornered by a person you know is jealous of you, because the outcome will not be good. If you need to simply cut off the conversation and go somewhere else in order to avoid their comments, then do so, because you don’t need to allow yourself to be subject to anyone’s abuse.

Limit your exposure to such a person or cut them out entirely, because you are worthy of loving relationship. There are many people in this world. You don’t need to stick with friends or relationships that are salted with insults based out of jealousy. Life is too short and there are plenty of people in this world who do need a good friend or relationship. Eventually people who act this way out of jealousy will change if and when they realize nobody wants to be around their negativity.

Keep being you

Sometimes having haters is a sign that you are doing things right in life and are successful. People who are jealous of you know that you are doing well and they want that for themselves. Rather than investing their time in making their own lives, better they try to bring others down. Their insults, criticism, and hate are directed at those who they know are better than them, so they try to look for faults in those people so they can think they are better in one way or another. Their jealousy is rooted in their own failures and inadequacies in life.

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Don’t allow these people to bring you down. Keep being you and keep being successful. Don’t allow someone else’s own failures to bring you down or prevent you from pursing your dreams. Often having people that dislike you in life is a sign that you are doing a lot right which is exactly why people don’t like you. You will never have favor with everyone you encounter. People will dislike you, especially when you remind them of their own shortfalls or failings. That’s part of the deal in being successful. The more successful you become the more you will find people will become jealous and thus negative commentary will be coming your way.

Do all you can to avoid, disengage, disarm, ignore, or cut these haters out of your life. However, it is not completely unavoidable, so when it does happen don’t allow the haters to stop you for what you are doing in life. Keep being you and remind yourself that their comments are based on their own failures and dissatisfaction with life and have nothing to do with you personally.

    Focus on relationships that encourage

    You can not make all people happy. There will always be people who will be jealous or hateful to you. It doesn’t matter who you are, everyone has haters. Rather than focusing on changing these people to like you, focus your time and energy on those relationships that are encouraging.

    There are plenty of people in this world who are good, positive, and loving. They show love to others in their relationships because they treat others how they also want to be treated. Invest your time and energy with these type of people because they are of high value in your life.

    The haters should be kept at arms length or further if possible. Don’t allow the negativity from hateful, jealous people to have power over your life. Chose to be close to people who encourage and support you and your life endeavors. Be of encouragement to those you love too. You will see that the encouragement and love become increasingly symbiotic which can be empowering for everyone involved.

    You determine who you allow to influence your life. If you spend a great deal of time with someone who exhibits jealousy toward you, then you will not feel uplifted or encouraged. Seek out the relationships in your life that uplift you, encourage you, and help you become a positive influence in the world.

    Relationships are powerful, so make sure yours are rooted in positivity, encouragement, and love. Forget the haters and deal with them only when needed.

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    Dr. Magdalena Battles

    A Doctor of Psychology with specialties include children, family relationships, domestic violence, and sexual assault

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    Published on September 23, 2020

    6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

    6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

    I don’t know about you, but many times when I hear the word negotiate I think of lawyers working out a business deal or having to do battle with a car salesman to try to get a lower price. Since I am in recruiting, the term “negotiation” comes up when someone is attempting to get a higher compensation package.

    If we think about it, we tend to negotiate almost every day in a wide variety of things we do. Getting a handle on the important negotiation skills can be incredibly beneficial in many parts of our lives. Let’s take a look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

    What is Negotiation?

    First, let’s take a look at what negotiation is. Put simply, negotiation is a method by which people settle their differences. It is a process in which compromise or agreement can be reached without argument or dispute.

    Anytime two people or sides disagree on something, they are almost always looking for the best possible outcome for their side. This could be from an individual’s perspective or someone representing an organization.

    In reality, it’s rare that one side gets everything they want and the other side gets nothing that they are seeking. Seeking to reach a common ground of sorts where both sides feel like they are getting most of what they want is the key to being successful and maintaining the relationship.

    Places We Negotiate

    I’ve mentioned that we negotiate in just about all phases of our life. For those of you who are shaking your head no, I invite you to think about the following:

    1. Work/Business

    This one is the most obvious and it’s what naturally comes to mind when we think of the word “negotiate”.

    When you first started at your current job, you might have asked for a higher salary. It could be that you delivered a huge new client to your company and used this as leverage in your most recent evaluation for more compensation. If you work with vendors (and just about every company does), maybe you worked them to a lower price or better contract terms.

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    In recruiting, I negotiate with candidates and hiring managers all the time to land the best talent I can find. It’s very common to accept additional work with the (sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken) agreement that it will benefit your career in the future.

    Recently, I took over a project that was my boss was working on so that I would be able to attend a conference later in the year. And so it goes, we do this all day long at work.

    2. Personal

    I don’t know about you, but I negotiate with my spouse all the time. I’ll cook dinner with the understanding that she does the dishes. Who wants to mow the lawn and who wants to vacuum and dust the house?

    I think we should save 10% for retirement, but she thinks 5% is plenty. Therefore, we save 8%. And don’t even get me started with my kids. My older daughter can borrow my car as soon as she finishes her chores. My younger daughter can go hang out with her friends when her homework is done.

    Then, there are all those interactions in our personal lives outside our homes. The carpenter wants to charge me $12,000 to build a new deck. I think $10,000 is plenty so we agree on $11,000. I ask my neighbor if I can borrow his snowblower in the winter if I invite him over the next time I grill steak. And so on.

    3. Ourselves

    You didn’t expect this one, did you? We negotiate with ourselves all day long.

    I’ll make sure I don’t skip my workout tomorrow since I’m going to have that extra piece of pizza. My spouse has been quiet the last few days, is it worth me asking her about, or should I leave it alone? I think the car place charged me for some repairs that weren’t needed, should I say something or just let it go? I know my friend has been having some personal challenges, should I check in with him? We’ve been friends for a long time, I’m sure he’d come to me if he needed help. I’ve got the #4 pick in this year’s Fantasy Football draft, should I choose a running back or a wide receiver?

    Think about that non-stop voice inside your head. It always seems to be chattering away about something and many times, it’s us negotiating with ourselves. I’ll finish up that report that the boss needs before I turn on the football game.

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    Why Negotiation Skills Are So Important

    Put simply, negotiation skills are important because we all interact with other people, and not only other people but other organizations and groups of people as well.

    We all rarely want the same thing or outcome. Most of the time a vendor is looking at getting you to pay a higher price for something than you want to spend. Therefore, it’s important to negotiate to some middle ground that works well for both sides.

    My wife and I disagree on how much to save for retirement. If we weren’t married it wouldn’t be an issue. We’d each contribute how much we wanted to on our retirement funds. We choose to be married, so we have to come to some agreement that we both feel comfortable with. We have to compromise. Therefore, we have to negotiate.

    If we each lived on a planet by ourselves, we would be free to do just about anything we wanted to. We wouldn’t have to compromise with anyone because we wouldn’t interact with anyone. We would make every choice unilaterally the way we wanted to.

    As we all know, this isn’t how things are. We are constantly interacting with other people and organizations, each one with their own agenda’s, viewpoints, and opinions. Therefore, we have to be able to work together.

    6 Negotiation Skills to Master

    Having strong negotiation skills helps us create win-win situations with others, allowing us to get most of what we want in conjunction with others around us.

    Now, let’s look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

    1. Preparation

    Preparation is a key place to start with when getting ready to negotiate. Being prepared means having a clear vision of what you want and how you’d go about achieving it. It means knowing what the end goal looks like and also what you are willing to give to get it.

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    It also means knowing who you are negotiating with and what areas they might be willing to compromise on. You should also know what your “bottom line” is. By “bottom line” I mean what is the most you are willing to give up to get what you want.

    For instance, several years ago, I decided it was time to get a newer car. I say newer because I wanted a “new to me” car, not a brand new car. I did my research and figured out what type of car I wanted. I decided on what must-have items on the car I wanted, the highest amount of miles that would already be on it, the colors I was willing to get it in, and the highest amount of money I was willing to pay.

    After visiting numerous car dealerships I was able to negotiate buying a car. I knew what I was willing to give up (amount of money) and what I was willing to accept, things like the color, amount of miles, etc. I came prepared. This is critical.

    2. Clear Communication

    The next key skill you need to be an effective negotiator is clear communication. You have to be able to clearly articulate what you want to the other party. This means both clear verbal and written communication.

    If you can’t clearly tell the other person what you want, how do you expect to get it? Have you ever worked through something with a vendor or someone else only to learn of a surprise right at the end that wasn’t talked about before? This is not what you would call clear communication. It’s essential to be able to share a coherent and logical vision with the person you are working with.

    3. Active Listening

    Let’s do a quick review of active listening. This is when you are completely focused on the speaker, understand their message, comprehend the information, and respond appropriately. This is a necessary ingredient to be able to negotiate successfully. You must be able to fully focus on the other person’s wants to completely understand them.

    If you aren’t giving them your full attention, you may miss some major points or details. This leads to frustration down the road on both sides. Ensure you are employing your active listening skills when in arbitration mode.

    4. Teamwork and Collaboration

    To be able to get to a place of common ground and a win-win scenario, you have to have a sense of teamwork and collaboration.

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    If you are only thinking about yourself and what you want without giving much care to what the other person is wanting, you are bound to wind up without a solution. The other person may get frustrated and give up if they see you are unwilling to meet them halfway or care little for what they want.

    When you collaborate, you are working together to help each other get what is most important to you. The other upside to negotiating with a sense of teamwork and collaboration is that it helps create a sense of trust, which, in turn, helps provide positive energy for working to a successful conclusion.

    5. Problem Solving

    Problem-solving is another key negotiation skill. When you are working with the other person to get the deal done many times you’ll face new challenges along the way.

    Maybe you want a new vendor to provide training on the software they are selling you but they say it’s going to cost an additional $20,000 to provide this service. If you don’t have the additional $20,000 in the budget to spend on the software but you feel the training is critical, how are you going to solve that problem?

    From what I’ve seen, most vendors aren’t willing to provide additional services without getting paid for them. This is where problem-solving skills will help continue the discussions. You might suggest to the vendor that your company will also be looking to replace their financial software next year, and you’d be happy to ensure they get one of the first seats at the table when the time comes if they could perhaps lower the pricing on their training.

    There’s a solution to most challenges, but it takes problem-solving skills to work through them effectively.

    6. Decision-Making Ability

    Finally, having strong decision-making ability will help you seal the deal when you get to a place where everyone feels like they are getting what works for them. Each step of the way you can cross off the list when you get what you are looking for and decide to move onto the next item. Then, once you have all of your must-have boxes checked and the other side feels good about things, it’s time to shake hands and sign on the dotted line. Powerful decision-making ability will help you get to the finish line together.

    Conclusion

    There you have it, 6 effective negotiation skills to master to lead a more fulfilling life. Once we realize that we negotiate in one form or another almost every day in every phase of our lives, we realize how critical a skill it is.

    Possessing strong negotiation skills will help you in nearly every one of your relationships at both the workplace and in your personal life. If you feel your arbitration tools could use some sharpening, try some of the 6 effective negotiation skills to master that we’ve talked about.

    More Tips to Improve Your Negotiation Skills

    Featured photo credit: Windows via unsplash.com

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