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How to Stay Together When You Are Different From Each Other

How to Stay Together When You Are Different From Each Other

The strongest relationships are the ones in which both partners can be themselves. Intending to change the other person or dramatically changing yourself to fit someone else’s ideals dooms couples to failure.

When two people have beliefs or habits that differ too much, it creates friction. For example, if one partner is devoutly religious and the other is an all-out atheist, it might be difficult for the couple to find common ground on the way that the universe functions. When a neat-freak has to put up with the habits of a slob, there will be arguments. Opposites may attract, but they don’t always have staying power.

Having two people from completely different worlds can be problematic, but even couples who have a lot in common need to make trade offs sometimes. It’s not as though two partners need to be exactly alike, after all. Any healthy relationship involves compromise.

Unresolved small differences can cause huge problems.

Our partners are not our clones. If you stay with anyone long enough, you’re going to have disagreements. You can compromise to work through some conflicts, but when the problem illuminates a difference in core values, the dispute becomes personal. Couples may criticize or blame one another for not thinking or behaving in the same way.

If two individuals’ core values are completely misaligned, communication will be nearly impossible. Both may try to constantly prove themselves right and conflicts will be common. Values and beliefs are one’s preference. It’s difficult to change one’s core values because there’s no right or wrong in terms of core values. Of course, not every core value needs to overlap, but there needs to be some, and it needs to be shared. You can read more about the importance of shared values in my other article Why A Shared Life Is Not Enough to Maintain A Relationship

Small disagreements can also highlight breakdowns in communication. I had two friends who attended marriage counseling. One of the major gripes in their marriage was over the dishes. The wife hated having dishes in the sink. Her husband didn’t mind them, and he often told her that he would do the dishes. She became frustrated when he wasn’t operating on her timeline, and she’d do them anyway. She thought he was being spiteful, but he was really just lackadaisical about the chore.

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She viewed his nonchalant attitude about the dishes as a personal attack. If they hadn’t gone to counseling, that small breach in communication would have continued to create tension.

When a couple has a disagreement, it is important to have time to communicate about it. In some cases, compromise is not possible. In other cases, the argument was based on a flawed understanding of the situation. Either way, these problems will worsen the relationship if they aren’t addressed.

Most people tackle differences in a way that makes their love lives worse.

People handle differences between each other in plenty of ways. Yet they don’t realize the way they try to tackle differences is worsening their relationship and their love lives.

Some are unwilling to give anything up.

Some people think that if you have to compromise, then the couple is a poor match. They may unconsciously demand that the other person fulfill requirements by asking them to do a certain thing like initiating a dating idea every time.

If the partner can never meet the lofty standards put in place by their significant other, they’ll become exhausted, frustrated, and sad. The significant other who has placed the demands will be constantly disappointed by their partner’s inability to meet their expectations.

Imagine what could happen if one member of a couple places a high value on fashion while the other one can barely match their socks. They might have disagreements about going out. The fashion forward partner may decide that their less-stylish partner needs to improve their style because it’s embarrassing to go out with someone who looks sloppy.

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Instead of compromising by choosing less-formal outings or trying to help the less-stylish partner, the fashionable partner mistakes this lack of style for a lack of care about their relationship. The less-stylish partner, however, feels like it’s impossible to look like a a magazine photo. These two will have a hard time making their relationship work.

Some compromise more than their partner does.

When people start a relationship, they may be willing to make some sacrifices because they genuinely like the other person and want to be liked.[1] One person may attempt to minimize difference with his or her partner by giving up their own interests.

There is some compromise in this, but because one person gives up more than the other, the relationship is out of balance. Eventually, the person who gives up too much will be exhausted and unhappy.

I had a friend who was newly in love and made a lot of sacrifices to be with her boyfriend. She loved all types of music, and her boyfriend was a musician. The only problem was, he was very opinionated about the bands that he liked. When she talked about a band that he didn’t like, he would pick on her. Instead of standing up for herself, her response was simply to smile, nod, and never talk about how she felt about bands that she knew he disapproved of.

Choice in music may seem like a minor thing, but in a relationship that centered around music, this was a huge sacrifice for my friend to make. The boyfriend didn’t have to give up anything that he enjoyed in this exchange. Needless to say, they didn’t work out.

Some sacrifice way more than they should.

Compromising on core values and beliefs is another recipe for frustration and exhaustion. You can give up small things in the name of love, but if your core values are at stake, this might be a bad match.[2]

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You’ll see this behavior when one person thinks that they need to change themselves in order to live up to the other person’s standards. In this case, one or both parties may have the mistaken belief that there should be no differences between them. Making a partner happy at the expense of one’s own happiness only worsens the relationship. In the end, at least one partner is not able to do the things that they value the most. Read more here about How “Love Is All About Sacrifice” Ruins Our Love Lives

Compromise only when it makes both happier and better.

There’s no such thing as a universal style of compromise because every couple is different. At the same time, successful compromises do share some common characteristics.

Talk about expectations and negotiate up.

Bad habits and things that have become normalized in a relationship can be challenging to address. It’s tough to know when to let it go and when to speak up. Discuss expectations, boundaries, and ways that you can support one another so that the compromise doesn’t feel like a personal attack.

It is possible to create a win-win situation from a disagreement. Work together so that you are both gaining something you want. Making a change doesn’t seem as daunting if you don’t feel like you’re losing out.

Both partners should give something up.

When a couple is working well together, each partner may have to adjust something that they do so that it fits with their partner’s lifestyle. Instead of having one person sacrifice everything, each person gives a little to create harmony.[3] If you ask your partner to make a change, be ready to make some changes for yourself.

But making adjustments doesn’t have to feel like a sacrifice. When partners ask for an appropriate amount of change, neither feels like the shift creates a major imposition. Both are still willing to make changes to strengthen their partnership.

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Be aware that core values can’t be negotiated.

Having a respectful disagreement is healthy, but expecting someone to alter their beliefs to stay together is not. These things are difficult to change because they make people who they are. Partners can learn to respect and accept differences, but they can’t force change.

Let differences pull you closer to your partner.

It’s nearly impossible to find two people who do everything in exactly the same way. Being somewhat different from your partner can make your relationship more fun and exciting. You might get the chance to look at things in a new way, or experience things you wouldn’t have tried on your own.

Compromise is a natural part of putting two distinct human beings together. It can be a celebration of our uniqueness. As long as both partners are willing to make adjustments or give things up for the sake of a better relationship, then the process of negotiation will only make you stronger.

You don’t have to give up who you are to be in a relationship, but you can work with your partner to bring out the best in one another.

Featured photo credit: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash via unsplash.com

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Anna Chui

Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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Last Updated on February 28, 2019

The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected

The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected

Admit it, you feel good when other people think you’re nice. Maybe you were complimented by a stranger saying that you had a nice outfit. You felt good about yourself and you were happy for the rest of the day.

    We all like to feel liked, whether by a stranger or a loved one. It makes you feel valued and that feeling can be addictive. But when the high wears off and you no longer have validation that someone thinks you’re a good, sweet person, you may feel insecure and lacking. While wanting others to like you isn’t in itself a bad thing, it can be like a disease when you feel that you constantly need to be liked by others.

    Humans are wired to want to be liked.

    It’s human nature to seek approval from others. In ancient times, we needed acceptance to survive. Humans are social animals and we need to bond with others and form a community to survive. If we are not liked by others, we will be left out.

    Babies are born to be cute and be liked by adults.

      The large rounded head, big forehead, large eyes, chubby cheeks, and a rounded body. Babies can’t survive without an adult taking care of them. It’s vital for adults to find babies lovely to pay attention to them and divert energy towards them.[1]

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      Recognitions have always been given by others.

        From the time you were a child, whether at school or at home, you have been receiving recognition from external parties. For instance, you received grades from teachers, and if you wanted something, you needed approval from your parents. We’ve learned to get what we want by catering to other people’s expectations. Maybe you wanted to get a higher grade in art so you’d be more attentive in art classes than others to impress your teacher. Your teacher would have a generally good impression on you and would likely to give you a higher grade.

        When you grow up, it’s no different. Perhaps you are desperate to get your work done so you do things that your manager would approve. Or maybe you try to impress your date by doing things they like but you don’t really like.

        Facebook and Instagram have only made things worse. People posting their photos and sharing about their life on Instagram just to feels so good to get more likes and attention.

        Being liked becomes essential to reaching desires.

          We start to get hyper focused on how others see us, and it’s easy to imagine having the spotlight on you at all time. People see you and they take an interest in you. This feels good. In turn, you start doing more things that bring you more attention. It’s all positive until you do something they don’t like and you receive criticism. When this happens, you spiral because you’ve lost the feeling of acceptance.

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          But the reality is this is all just perception. Humans, as a species, are selfish. We are all just looking at ourselves; we only perceive others are giving us their focus. Even for those who please others are actually focusing on making themselves feel good. It’s like an optical illusion for your ego.

            The desire to be liked is an endless chase.

              Aiming to please others in order to feel better will exhaust you because you can never catch up with others’ expectation.

              The ideal image will always change.

              It used to be ideal to have a fair weight, a little bit fat was totally acceptable. Then it’s ideal to be very slim. Recently we’ve seen “dad-bods” getting some positive attention. But this is already quickly changing. In fact, a recent article from Men’s Health asked 100 women if they would date a guy who had a dad-bod, about 50% of women claimed to not care either way, only 15% exclusively date men with a “dad bod”.[2]

              People’s expectations on you can be wrong.

              Most people put their expectations on others based on what’s right in the social norms, yet the social norms are created by humans in which 80% of them are just ordinary people according to the 80/20 rules.[3]

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              Think about it, every day, from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep, you filter what you believe to be truth. If someone compliments you, you take it and add it to an idea of what the best version of yourself is. When someone criticizes you, even in a destructive way, you might accept it altogether, or add it to a list of things you’re insecure about. When you absorb the wrong opinion from others, you will either sabotage your self-esteem or overestimate yourself by accepting all the good compliments and stop growing; or accepting all the destructive criticisms and sabotage your own self-esteem and happiness.

              Others’ desires are not the same as yours.

                If you live your life as one long effort of trying to please other people, you will never be happy. You’re always going to rely on others to make you feel worth living. This leads to total confusion when it comes to your personal goals; when there’s no external recognition, you don’t know what to live for.

                The only person to please is yourself.

                  Think of others’ approval as fuel and think of yourself as a car. When that fuel runs out, you can’t function. This is not a healthy mindset.

                  In reality, we’re human and we can create our own fuel. You can feel good based on how much you like yourself. When you do things to make you like yourself more, you can start to see a big change in your opinion. For example, if being complimented by others made you feel good and accepted, look in the mirror and compliment yourself. Say what you wish others would say about you.

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                  Internal approval takes practice, but it’s worth the effort. You have to re-train your own mind. Think of the dog who knows there is food when the bell rings, the reflex is hard wired into the dog.[4] We need our own triggers to reinforce the habit of internal approval too. Recognize yourself every day instead of waiting for people to do it for you, check out in this article the steps to take to recognize your own achievements and gain empowerment: Don’t Wait for People to Praise You. Do It Yourself Every Single Day

                  Notice that when you start to focus on yourself and what to do to make yourself happy, others may criticize you. Since you’ve stopped trying to please others to meet their expectations, they may judge you for what you do. Be critical about what they say about you. They aren’t always right but so are you. Everyone has blind spots. Let go of biased and subjective comments but be humble and open to useful advice that will improve you.

                  Remember that you are worth it, every day. It will take time to stop relying on others to make you feel important and worth something, but the sooner you start trying, the happier and healthier you will be.

                  Featured photo credit: Annie Spratt via unsplash.com

                  Reference

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