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It’s About Give and Take: How Codependency Hurts Us Like Other Addictions Do

It’s About Give and Take: How Codependency Hurts Us Like Other Addictions Do

Does any of these situations sound familiar to you?

Your boyfriend smokes cigarettes, so you want to help him quit. You know he couldn’t possibly do it without you. You’re the only person who understands him enough to help him become a better person. You let him know all the time that you can help fix him, that without you, he’d fail.

Your girlfriend hasn’t called you yet to let you know she made it to work okay. Maybe she’s not really going to work, you think. You two did get in an argument last night. You start thinking that maybe she’s leaving you, abandoning you without warning. You’ve always been worried that might happen, in fact you tell her all the time .

If so, you might be experiencing codependency.

Codependency is also called “relationship addiction”.

Codependency is called “relationship addiction” because in these relationships often display physical, psychological, and emotional reliance on their partners.

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A person with codependency issues will often try to sacrifice their own needs and desires to meet the needs of their partner. Codependency is rooted in feeling of low self-worth shame and insecurity. It was first identified after experts noticed codependent behaviors in families dealing with drug abuse and alcoholism.[1]

Other experts believe that codependency begins during childhood, when a child is constantly required to look after the needs of others first. Children who grew up with alcoholic, drug-addicted, abusive, or emotionally negligent parents are likely to experience codependency in their future, adult relationships.[2] Children who grow up in these situations learn to believe that they are not important and sometimes, that they are the cause of their family’s problems.[3]

For people who are not relationship experts, codependency may look like an intense amount of love. That love, however, comes from a place of fear. This fear may be a fear of criticism, fear of being abandoned, fear of losing control, fear of disappointing others, or fear of making somebody else suffer.

Codependency could be seriously affecting our adult relationships.

These codependent adult relationships become unfair, unhealthy, emotionally damaging, and sometimes abusive – mirroring the person’s childhood.[4]

This is why codependency should matter to you. Because if you want to have a healthy adult relationship, you have to understand what codependency is and how it could be affecting you. If you can identify your codependency, you can work toward making it better. You deserve that and so does your partner.

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The biggest clue to identify codependency is an unsatisfactory relationship.

One of the biggest clues that you might be experiencing codependency is that you can’t find satisfaction in your life without your partner. Rather than being an independent individual in the relationship, you have come to rely on the other person for your personal happiness and identity.

According to Scott Wetzler, PhD and Chief of the Psychology Division at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine,[5]

“Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess…. One or both parties depend on their loved ones for fulfillment.”

People with codependency may have low self-esteem and feel that they aren’t good enough for other people. They may constantly seek approval through people-pleasing activities. It is difficult for them to say “no”.

Additionally, codependent individuals have blurry boundaries with others and may feel responsible for somebody else’s problems.[6]

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Some other signs of codependency may include:[7]

  • Being sensitive to criticism
  • Needing to control others
  • Taking care of somebody who abuses drugs or alcohol
  • Denying personal problems
  • Feeling helplessness inside

So you’ve looked over the signs and symptoms of codependency and you’re starting to feel like maybe it describes you. Now what?

First of all, don’t worry. This is not the end of the world. In fact, it is the beginning of a journey of learning and self-development.

There are steps you can take to fight codependency in your current or future relationships.

To have healthy love in your life, try the following tips[8]:

  • Imagine yourself in a healthy, loving relationship where all of your needs are met. What does that look like?
  • Start to question why you doubt your self-worth. The only person you need to prove your self-worth to is …. you!
  • Practice being kind to yourself instead of focusing on being kind to others.
  • Don’t forget that it’s not just okay to accept help from other people, it’s healthy. Knowing and admitting that you need help are signs of strength, not weakness.
  • Don’t worry so much about rejection. The constant fear of being rejected will ultimately stop you from taking the risks that will lead you to a long, healthy, and happy relationship.

Last but not least, recognize the recovery process.

Above all else, do not deny that you have issues with codependency. Recognize it and admit it. The first step to recovery is honesty with yourself. You have spent a lifetime trying to deny your codependency. Now is the time to face it head on. Look to other people who can understand what you’re feeling for help. Support groups are essential in the healing process.[9]

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Look back at your past and try to identify anything from your childhood that may have caused you to develop codependency as an adult. You are not being unloyal to your family by admitting that you have unresolved issues from your childhood. Sometimes this challenge is best approached in professional therapy sessions.[10]

The final step in overcoming your codependency is to let go of unhealthy relationships. If you are too involved in another person or relationship, you will not be able to focus on your healing process. This allows you to free up energy for yourself and break the toxic cycle of codependency.[11]

Remember that as you navigate the difficult process of identifying, coming to terms with, and overcoming your codependency – you are not alone and you are worth it.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1] GoodTherapy: Codependency
[2] WhatIsCodepency: Symptoms of Codependency
[3] PsychCentral: What Causes Codependency?
[4] MentalHealthAmerica: Co-Dependency
[5] WebMD: Are You In A Codependent Relationship?
[6] PsychCentral: Symptoms of Codependency
[7] GoodTherapy: Codependency
[8] HuffingtonPost: Overcoming Codependency: Reclaiming Yourself in Relationships
[9] LifeCounsel: Overcoming Codependency
[10] LifeCounsel: Overcoming Codependency
[11] LifeCounsel: Overcoming Codependency

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Amber Pariona

EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

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Last Updated on April 14, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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