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Signs of a Narcissistic Mother (It’s Not Easy to Spot!)

Signs of a Narcissistic Mother (It’s Not Easy to Spot!)

A narcissistic mother is a parent with narcissistic personalty disorder who is “psychologically constructed to garner attention, be it from charisma, beauty, smarts, or finance.” [1]In this definition, there exists a catch. When the world views a charismatic, attention-seeking woman- and chances are she will be in a powerful position for all to admire, such as a lawyer, judge, head of the PTO, etc. – the family witnesses the other, unpolished side of the coin.

Children of narcissistic parents go through their lives feeling confused and lost, and in search of love they never received from home. They expect their mothers to nurture and support them, but when they are dealing with narcissistic mothers, they aren’t given the love and support that healthy parents provide. The signs of a narcissistic mother are not always easy to spot, but once known, there are ways to deal with the situation.

15 Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

Do you suspect you have a narcissistic mother? The signs are not always easy to spot, and some well-intentioned, but misguided parenting can be misconstrued as narcissistic. Narcissistic mothers share these traits:

They like to keep control

They like to have complete control over all aspects of their children’s lives, from friends, to music, to clothes, and habits. Manipulation is their game, and they play it well. They use guilt trips through emotional blackmail to make their kids dance to their music.

“You need to take computer science if you are going to amount to something- not waste your time in that art class!”

They divert the conversation to center on themselves

Their children may be trying to communicate a problem at school or an issue with friends, but their mothers will take control and change the direction of the conversation to focus on themselves.

The child may start talking about how sad they are because their friend is moving away and suddenly find themselves off topic: “Mackenzie is fine, but when I was your age I had a dozen of friends and my best friend and I roomed together in college…”

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They get angry when things don’t go their way

They lose temper quite easily and they always throw the blame at their children and others, instead of acknowledging that they may be the problem. Their children and spouses tend to tiptoe around certain subjects in fear of releasing the dragon’s wrath.

“That check never arrived. You didn’t put it in the mailbox, did you? It’s your fault!” They place blame- never shoulder it.

Ironically, they care what people think about them

They go out of their way to make themselves look good in public, at the expense of their children and spouses.

Before the public outing, the family will hear: “Don’t you dare forget to say “please” and “thank you” to my boss. Fix your hair. It’s a rat’s nest!” Once out with her boss: “My Jimmy received the Presidential Medal! I’m so glad I made him do those sit-ups everyday and pushed him all the way.” She turns her child’s victory into hers so that she will look good.

It’s all about them!

Narcissists are self-centered and they feel the entire world should revolve around them. The moment they come in the door, they expect everyone to come running. They feel they are the most important member of the family instead of being one of the team.

“I’m home! Someone help me with these bags. I am so tired. I worked such a long day. I- I -I.” They forget to ask anyone else about their day.

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They carry grudges

This last for a long time. If someone slights them or doesn’t do what they think should be done, or chooses a different lifestyle choice, they harbor the resentment for a very long time. The recipient will receive the cold-shoulder or find themselves disinherited for a slight that happened years ago that anyone else would have forgiven and forgotten.

“Well, I picked Frances to inherit my business because she never abandoned her mother for four years!’ “But mom, I was in the army!”

They use love to reward and punish.

Narcissistic mothers know that the most powerful weapon over their children is their love. They don’t often part with it, and when their children receive it, it’s usually in full public view to make them look good. However, they withdraw their affection as punishment for when their kids fall short- which, in their eyes, is often the case.

“You are my favorite child now…”

They treat others as their servants.

The child of a narcissistic mother will often act as a personal slave in hopes of catching a sliver of affection.

“Get me a glass of water and grab those grapes while you’re at it. Put a pot on for the spaghetti.” The list become endless, and leaves the child feeling like Cinderella.

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They are in competition with their children.

The boundaries between child and parent become blurred. This can happen with narcissistic mothers who feel their beauty and sexuality are being challenged by their adolescent daughters.

“You’re going to a school dance? Well I’m going to a real dance at a night club!”

They find constant fault in their children and compare them with other “perfect” kids.

Their unreasonable expectations set the bar too high for any child.

“Can’t you be more like John? He always says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and holds the door for me.” or “Allie gets straight A’s, is on the Honor Role and is captain of the cheer squad. Why can’t you be like her?” Chances are, if John or Allie were their children, they wouldn’t be good enough either!

Their children live in an emotionless void

Children raised by a narcissistic parent grow up missing the nurturing love they should have received. They feel little or no emotional attachment or closeness to their parent- only confusion. The years of manipulation take their toll.

Narcissistic mothers lack empathy

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Because they are so super-focused on themselves, they are unable to sympathize with their children or their children’s plights. They are blind when it comes to seeing situations from their children’s viewpoint.

“I see a “D” on your report card. A “D” is unacceptable. I don’t care what you have to say.”

They have low self-esteem

Their grandiose, supermom act is an empty facade hiding the fact that they suffer from low self-confidence. Though they won’t let the world see them crumble, their children see the other side, and often have to pick up the pieces and deal with their bouts of depression.

They never want to let you go

All parents know their kids will grow up and leave the nest. It may be painful, but they can accept this fact of life. However, a narcissistic mother will hold on to her child as long as possible- even into adulthood to maintain control. She will use every tactic in the book to make them feel dependent on her. “You can’t leave me. You need me!” The truth is that narcissistic moms need their children and their full attention!

How Their Children Are Affected

Children of narcissistic mothers often deal with a roller coaster of childhood emotions. Sapped of a carefree youth, they spend their time trying to please or appease their mothers, sometimes walking on eggshells so as not to invoke anger from the one person who should be providing them with unconditional love and boosting their self-confidence.

Instead, their highly-judgmental parent pokes at all their faults, criticizes their choices, and manipulates their childhood to suit their own needs. They will be accused of being ungrateful. They will be told, “It’s my way or the highway.” They will feel they aren’t enough, and for narcissistic mothers they never will be.

These children will spend the rest of their lives, desperate for a love they never received- an approval that didn’t happen. Some will turn to therapy for help, others will unwittingly seek out narcissistic partners subconsciously feeling that if they can “fix” that relationship they will be able to “fix” the one with their mothers, and still others may become narcissistic parents themselves, continuing the cycle.

Breaking Free from a Narcissistic Mom

If you feel that you are dealing with a narcissistic parent, you can learn ways to cope. If you visit your friend’s houses and are able to view other family dynamics, chances are you’ll realize something is wrong. That sliver of enlightenment can set you free.

  • Avoidance: Choose not to be goaded into situations and caught in uncomfortable encounters by avoiding the perpetrator. It may take evasive actions worthy of a spymaster, but it is possible.
  • Maintain privacy: Living with a narcissistic mother can sap the energy from anyone. Maintain a personal space where you can escape the drama and find peace, whether it’s your own room or Grandma’s house.
  • Seek outside support: Sometimes you need to talk with someone who will actually listen, be it the guidance counselor, a therapist, or a relative.

Adults may still find themselves under their mother’s influence, but as an adult you have far more options available:

  • Therapy. You may need to talk to a professional. Narcissistic parents can emotionally wreck their children, and cause them to unconsciously seek out equally damaging narcissistic partners. Consider getting professional help.
  • Distance. Sometimes the best avoidance is distance. You may find you have to move away to remove yourself from your narcissistic mother’s manipulations. It’s easier to put down a phone to end a conversation than to walk from a room.
  • Choose not to follow suit. Just because parent acts in a certain way doesn’t mean you have to as well. If you see the problem for what it is- a personality disorder- you can choose to break the cycle by not becoming a narcissistic parent.
  • Didn’t receive love or praise in your childhood? Hug your kids every day and shower them with affection. Tell them that you love them and leave no doubts in their minds about that love. Be the parent of your dreams.

Reference

[1] Psychology Today: The Narcissistic Mother

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Sally White

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Published on June 24, 2020

How to Be a Successful And Happy Stay at Home Mom

How to Be a Successful And Happy Stay at Home Mom

I can’t think of a more rewarding job, nor a more challenging one than being a Stay-at-Home-Mom (SAHM)! There is no shortage of opinion, however, as to the pros and cons of going on active duty until your kid/s turns 18 and flies off to college.

When you choose a career such as this, you’re in it for the long haul. But by the end of your journey, you’ll be decorated with every possible medal of honor. And may I say, indisputably deserved.

Think about it: a SAHM is a queen. She has one of the most important jobs of all—managing the castle, all that it entails, and its inhabitants.

For most of you, your home is your castle. It is where your most valuable possessions reside—your loved ones, your pets, your memories, and the special items you’ve collected over the years. It is where you feel comfortable, uninhibited, and free to be yourself. It is where you dine, sleep, and relax. It is everything!

Being the queen of your castle is like being the president. What other position carries as much clout other than being the president?

Taking care of that castle and its occupants is no easy task; it is a highly-ranked position that deserves every available merit.

Yes, staying at home can be a big decision, especially if you have a career and have been used to praise, socialization, and a regular paycheck. You might even think that if you decide to stay home, it is a “step down,” a demotion of sorts. But nothing could be further from the truth.

Why Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Is an Important Career

Being a SAHM requires wearing a litany of hats. You’re a full-time babysitter, a Lyft driver without tips or 5-star ratings, a nurse, a chef, a behavioral therapist, and most importantly, a teacher.

Teachable moments abound. You get to teach your children all the important things you want them to learn. Sure, there are no days off or summer vacations in store for decades, depending on the age of your little one/s, but imagine what amazing human beings you are helping to create!

Being stellar SAHMs are big shoes to fill. Not just anyone is up to the task; not everyone has the patience or the stamina it requires. Think triathlon here, but more—much more.

To put it simply, being a SAHM is one of the most important careers in the world. Let’s take a look at why this is so.

1. Your Child Is Always With Someone Who Loves Them

When your children are home with you, they are loved 24/7. They are happy and comforted.

In a daycare facility, the most important person in your life will be with someone who is just doing their job. They’re there for the paycheck, not because they love your child.

As you know, there are good and bad employees. You won’t necessarily know if your child is with a great employee or with one who is half paying attention to one of the most highly-treasured people in your life.

2. You Don’t Have to Deal With Office Stress and Deadlines

Working outside of your castle generally demands that you be present wherever it is you work—a hospital, a warehouse, a car dealership, an office, etc.,—when they want you to be there.

There are petty fights, nasty gossip, stressful projects, bad bosses, jealous co-workers, etc. You might often find yourself looking at the clock and waiting for the weekend.

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If you’re a SAHM, you make the rules! That alone should cause you great joy.

3. You Get to Witness Each of Your Child’s Milestones Firsthand

Think about how many milestones working moms miss. As a SAHM, you get to be there. You get to take those pictures, those videos, and see your little one grow up—in person, not via Nanny Cam! And if you’re children are middle-school-age and older, you get to keep an eye on them when they get home from school.

In an article in the American Journal of Nursing Science, it states that:[1]

“Economic and social pressures are forcing more parents into the workplace at a time when children appear to most need adult guidance and supervision. These children, in turn, face a growing number of problems such as physical and sexual abuse, crime and delinquency, depression and suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, emotional and behavioral problems, learning difficulties, school attendance problems, domestic violence, pregnancy, abortion, and venereal disease.

Many “latchkey” children experience stressful and even dangerous situations without ready access to adult guidance and support. It is estimated that as many as 10 million children care for themselves before or after school. Many latchkey kids begin their self-care responsibilities at about 8 years of age.”

4. Your Child Gets to Grow Up in Their Castle With a Queen Who Loves Them

When you’re home with your child, you provide love and comfort. That makes for a happy child and eventually, a happy adult. True, some adults were raised with their queen and don’t fare well, but in those rare cases, there are other factors involved, too numerous to list here.

In general, children do better when they know they are loved and cared for. And for children, the presence that would create stability and warm-fuzzy feelings is Mom!

5. Your Child Will Grow Up Feeling Happy, Safe, and Secure

Personally, I grew up with a SAHM. My mom was always around. We knew we could count on her for anything. She’d keep the house clean, cook great meals, and take us swimming in the summers.

I have very happy memories. I always felt secure and loved. And when my dad would get home after work, the family was complete. Fun times! If you are a good, caring mom, the best gift you can give your children is YOU!

Creating happy children is one of the biggest successes you can experience.

6. Your Child’s School Performance Will Improve

Research shows that there are excellent benefits to children staying at home, such as an increase in school performance. Those benefits extend way beyond the early years of that child’s life.

Did you know that homeschoolers generally score 15 to 30% points above public school students on a standardized test?

In the article, Does Being a Stay at Home Home Benefit Your Kids?, it states:[2]

“A British study in the ‘Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health’ reported that children of stay-at home-mothers are more likely to participate in organized sports than those whose mothers worked, possibly because their mothers had more time to take them to sports practices.

Other studies have found that children of stay-at-home moms were exposed to fewer germs and suffered from fewer illnesses. In addition, stay-at-home moms can have more time to prepare healthier foods and they rely less on convenience foods, partially for financial reasons.”

It’s Normal to Feel Iffy at First

Even after having read the six above-mentioned amazing reasons to stay at home, you might still feel iffy about it. Not because you don’t love your children but because you feel you will lose yourself—your identity.

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It’s understandable to feel that way. Shifting your perspective is key here. Staying at home doesn’t have to go hand-in-hand with losing your identity. You simply add to it; it’s another layer, another facet of who you are.

In the beginning, you may need to make some adjustments, but isn’t life, in general, an adjustment? Things are happening every day that oblige us to change course and go with the flow.

How to Be a Successful Stay-at-Home Mom

If you decide, that yes, you are going to stay home with your child but aren’t sure how to navigate the new waters without completely losing yourself, allow me to offer you some ideas that will make your experience an exceptionally happy one.

By following through with the suggestions below, you will feel successful, happy, and ready to tackle anything that comes your way.

Here are some tips on how to be a successful stay-at-home mom:

1. Wake Up Early!

Some SAHMs complain that they don’t have enough time for themselves. Valid point. Try getting up early, before the kids do.[3] This is the first thing that you should keep in mind if you want to be a successful stay-at-home mom.

Being up before everyone else offers you alone time to get some personal things done. The house is quiet and peaceful—the perfect setting to do what you need to do. That could be taking an uninterrupted warm shower, reading passages from your favorite book, having a cup of coffee while streaming one of your favorite shows or movies, writing emails, etc.

Waking up early offers you many opportunities to do what you need to do so that you don’t feel as though you’re missing out.

2. Dress Up!

No, I don’t mean dress up like you’re going out dancing, but you don’t have to be in your pajamas or sweats all day, either. How you dress makes a difference in your mood—on how you feel. So, dress casually but nicely.

In an article by Corina, How to be a Stylish Stay at Home Mom Without Compromising Comfort, she writes, “You don’t need a ton of clothes! Stick with what fits you well and makes you feel pretty without much fuss.”[4]

You can be at home and still dress to impress. You will feel so much better about yourself.

3. Exercise and Have Fun With Your Kids!

Taking care of your little ones doesn’t mean you give up on yourself. Take some time during the day to exercise. It will keep you strong, toned, and happy.

Have the children join you, and make it amusing by playing some fun workout music. They’ll use up a lot of energy and enjoy the time with you simultaneously.

Here’s an example of a mom who’s having a lot of fun with her kids as well as entertaining her audience. Watch Sophie Ellis-Bextor on YouTube.[5]

What a fun thing to do with your kids!

4. Schedule Weekly Outings!

To add excitement to your week, plan a weekly outing to the zoo, the botanical gardens, the library, the park, etc.

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Of course, at this point, the outings depend on personal safety and each state’s guidelines, so you’ll have to check on that. But bike rides around the neighborhood and picnics will work just as well.

If it’s too difficult to get out for whatever reason, there are many fun things you can do at home, pandemic or not. You can schedule a Stay At Home FUN DAY! Making a fun environment for your children is important in being a successful stay-at-home mom.

In an article by Andrea Browne Taylor, 16 Free or Cheap Things to Do With Your Kids During the COVID-19 Pandemic, she lists many activities to do with your kids.[6] Even I want to do these!

5. Establish a Break

During the day, it’s important to set aside some time to do something quiet; perhaps set aside 20-30 minutes to read, color, etc.

During this break, each person can do something they personally enjoy. Encourage your kids to get creative. Research shows that creative activities, such as art, are wonderful for children.

In her article, Why Art and Creativity are Important, Paula Bernstein states,[7]

“Fostering creativity won’t just increase your child’s chances of becoming the next Picasso. You’re also helping him develop mentally, socially, and emotionally, says Ecklund-Flores.”

And for you, pick up that hobby you put on the back burner. Whether it is painting, crocheting, knitting, writing, whatever, use that time to get some creative YOU time in! You are going to feel so much happier and accomplished afterward.

6. Make Your Castle a Beautiful Living Space!

Decorate your home in a way that is soothing to you. Choose the colors, the decor, the furniture, the pictures, the artwork, the plants, etc. that make you feel at peace in your own castle.

Play music that is both calming and energizing. Living in a space you love and find comforting makes all the difference in the world. If you create a happy environment, you’ll feel happier, and so will your children.

For ways to make your home a happier place, check out Olivia Heath’s article, 8 ways to make your home a happier place.[8]

7. Set Up a Routine!

Most people respond well to a routine. For instance, from 8 – 9, breakfast and cartoons; from 9 – 12. chores and homework; from 12 – 1:00 p.m., lunch. After that, nap time, if appropriate, or personal time.

The routine, of course, will be based on the age of your children and your own personal views. According to a Skilled at Life article:

Setting up a routine “creates structure in our lives. a daily routine provides structure and a logical sequence in our lives. It provides the framework within which we live our lives and conduct our daily activities. Soon we become familiar and comfortable with what we have to do each day. It allows us to experience a flow to our day.”((Skilled at Life: 18 Reasons Why a Daily Routine Is So Important))

As a SAHM, you’ll benefit from the routine and take comfort in knowing what to expect. This is the time for you to incorporate anything into your daily routine that makes you feel relaxed, happy, and stress-free.

8. Meet Up With Other SAHMs

Meeting up with other SAHMs will provide you with support. Additionally, the kids get to socialize with other children and you with other like-minded moms.

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Not working outside the home sometimes can feel isolating, so talking to other adults is a nice treat. Below, I included a link to help you find just the group for you! Check it out.

9. Hire a Babysitter!

Sometimes you might like to go out with friends, get pampered at a spa, or what-have-you. A babysitter or a trusted family member can help with that.

These little breaks can be the fuel you need to keep going. It’s like getting a mini-vacation. It’s revitalizing. Once you get home from your spa treatment or the movie you saw with your friends, you will have renewed energy. You can now refocus on your castle tasks. And remember, a happy mom, makes for a happy child!

Final Thoughts

As a SAHM, you might make the mistake of thinking that if you don’t bring home a paycheck, you’re not valuable or helping with the household expenses. You’re actually helping more than you think.

You don’t need a paycheck to add value to who you are. You are already one of the most valued members of society. You’re watching over human lives—your children—making sure they are safe, healthy, and happy. And as far as expenses go, you will be saving on daycare costs and transportation expenses.

If after reading all these amazing things about being a SAHM, you’re still conflicted, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not for everyone.

As I mentioned above, staying at home can be challenging. And in all honesty, it can have its drawbacks. That’s also why I provided you here some tips on how to be a successful stay-at-home mom.

For example, being at home with your children all the time can make you feel a little depressed or bored. You might not feel like you’re being stimulated by life or adult-like situations. Maybe some of the hobbies you used to enjoy get neglected, or you might feel financially dependent on your husband.

Furthermore, you might think you’ll lose all your abilities; the opportunity to utilize the educational training you received. Or maybe you miss the ritual of getting dressed, driving to work, and being around other people who are doing similar things. That’s all valid.

Only you can make that decision. While you’re thinking about it, though, let me remind you that as a SAHM you will be missing some things. But you’ll be gaining so much more.

Doing a presentation at work may get you kudos and accolades, but hearing the words, “I love you, mommy” is priceless. Watching your children grow up before your very eyes? Priceless. Making sure they’re safe and sound with you loving them all day? Priceless.

There is no other job in the world with those kinds of benefits. As a SAHM, you are the heart and soul of your castle.

Remember, too, that your children will grow up. You won’t have to wait until you’re 65 to retire. And although your job as Mom will never be done, you’ll be able to do many things that you didn’t get to do while on active duty.

When you are “done,” you will have the satisfaction of having accomplished an amazing feat. You can feel proud because success like that isn’t easy to come by.

The title of Stay-at-Home-Mom, despite what any group might say, is a powerful and inspiring one.

Are you up to the challenge?

Want to know more about being a successful stay-at-home mom and its benefits? Check these out:

More Tips for Stay-at-Home Moms

Featured photo credit: Alexander Dummer via unsplash.com

Reference

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