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What Romance Is Like After 10 Years Of Marriage

What Romance Is Like After 10 Years Of Marriage

Falling in love can be a wonderful experience. When a relationship is new, it’s full of the kind of romance you see in movies, complete with flowers, love letters, and promises to be together forever. It isn’t always this way, though.

Maybe you’ve started to see a difference in your own relationship. Maybe the way you used to be together has changed and you’re wondering where the romance has gone. Don’t worry or stress, your relationship isn’t burning out or ending. In fact, it’s getting stronger. The romance is still there, it’s always there. The only thing that’s changed is the meaning. Romance changes the longer you’re in a relationship.

The Nature of Romance

Advice columnist and author Heather Havrilesky best explains the evolution of romance when she wrote about her own experience with romance after 10 years of marriage —  What Romance Really Means After 10 Years of Marriage. In a new relationship, you’re still looking for proof that the other person loves you and the other person is still trying to prove their love. This takes the form of classic romance when you want to shout from the rooftops, “I’m in love!” for all the world to hear.

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“After a decade of marriage, if things go well, you don’t need any more proof. What you have instead — and what I would argue is the most deeply romantic thing of all — is this palpable, reassuring sense that it’s okay to be a human being.”

After 10 years of marriage, or in any long-term relationship, romance is no longer about proving anything. You already know without a doubt that the other person loves you. Instead, romance becomes the confidence that you can be human and your partner will not abandon you.

Havrilesky talks about how she got sick one night with dysentery. On her way to the bathroom, she passed out and broke her ribs on the side of the bathtub. This moment, of course, led to a much larger mess in the bathroom. Her husband of 10 years came to her aid, took care of her, and took care of the not-so-pleasant situation. His actions in this stressful moment, one of caring and void of complaint, is her definition of romance.

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You see, in a long-term relationship, you forego the romance of morning text messages and constant kisses. These things are no longer necessary. You have something much more valuable. You have comfort, grace, and a love without judgment. You have the freedom to be who you are, to have bad days, and to make mistakes without your partner being angry with you or making you feel bad. True romance.

The Evolution of Romance

In her article, Havrilesky goes on to talk about how romance is “survival” and “survival is ugly”. The sad reality of a marriage or committed relationship is that one person will die before the other. The romance shared between partners guarantees that one person will be there for the end-of-life moment. “You are both mortal and you’re both surviving, together, and you’re in this to the very end.”

Your partner will sit beside you, hold your hand, and tell you they love you while signing papers, listening to doctors, and paying for treatment. Doesn’t sound romantic? After a lifetime together, it is the definition of romance.

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Romance is finding the person that you can get through life with. All of life. Not just the pretty parts like walking through the park, taking a Caribbean vacation, or enjoying dinners in nice restaurants. It is putting your heads together and taking on whatever life throws your way, be that illness, children, or unemployment. All of these mundane moments actually become exciting and romantic, strengthening your relationship and your love.

True Romance

Havrilesky further describes true romance as something that develops when,

“Two deluded, lazy people face a bewildering sea of filth and blood and gore together, but they make it through somehow, some way, without losing their minds completely.”

She says it is about realizing that neither of you are immortal, but it doesn’t matter because you’re in this life thing together until the very end. Her point with all of this, and what you should remember, is that marriage doesn’t lose its romance over the years. Don’t be tricked into believing that true romance is in questioning another person’s love for you or in worrying that you might lose that love.

True romance is never doubting the love between you, of laughing at life’s difficulties, and knowing that you two will survive together.

More by this author

Amber Pariona

EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

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Last Updated on October 18, 2018

50+ Best Motivational Quotes To Prepare You For Any Challenges In Life

50+ Best Motivational Quotes To Prepare You For Any Challenges In Life

Life is filled with highs and lows —happiness and struggles that will test your resilience and integrity, push you to overcome challenges and leave you with lessons that will make you even stronger on your way up.

It’s the way you feel and think about yourself, including your expectations and beliefs about what is possible to you, greatly determines everything that happens to you.

It all starts with your thoughts. When you change your thoughts, you transform the quality of your life. (Right, Nancy’s story is a typical example!)

Below is a list of the best motivational quotes to inspire you to start your day with a blast:

Quotes for self-assurance

1. Don’t downgrade your dream just to fit your reality, upgrade your conviction to match your destiny.

    2. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

      3. You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.

        4. The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others

          5. You attract what you are, not what you want. If you want great, then be great.

            6. It’s not who you are that holds you behind, it’s who you think your are not.

              Quotes about positivity

              7. Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.

                8. You should never regret anything in life. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it is experience.

                  9. Falling down is an accident, staying down is a choice.

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                    10. If you have the power to make someone happy, do it. The world needs more of that.

                      11. Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.

                        12. Don’t be afraid to give up the good and go for great.

                          13. Remember that life’s greatest lessons are usually learned from worst times and from the worst mistakes.

                            Quotes for work and success

                            14. Don’t talk, just act. Don’t say, just show. Don’t promise, just prove.

                              15. Never stop doing great just because someone doesn’t give you credit.

                                16. Discipline is doing what needs to be done, even if you don’t want to.

                                  17. Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream.

                                    18. The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire, not things we fear.

                                      19. Never apologize for having high standards, people who really want to be in your life will rise to meet them.

                                        20. If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.

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                                          21. Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it, time will pass anyway.

                                            22. Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today.

                                              23. A hill is just another opportunity to leave your competition behind.

                                                24. Don’t quit. You’re already in pain. You’re already hurt. Get a reward from it.

                                                  25. Hustle until you no longer need to introduce yourself.

                                                    26. You didn’t come this far only to come this far.

                                                      27. Be selective in your battles for sometimes peace is better than being right.

                                                        28 If we keep doing what we are doing, we’re going to keep getting what we’re getting.

                                                          29. You will never know your limits until you push yourself to them.

                                                            30. Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.

                                                              31. The man on top of the mountain didn’t fall there.

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                                                                32. If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.

                                                                  33. If you can’t handle stress, you won’t manage success.

                                                                    34. Don’t be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams.

                                                                      35. Don’t mistake silence for weakness. Smart people don’t plan big moves out loud.

                                                                        36. Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

                                                                          37. Obsessed is the word the lazy use to describe dedicated.

                                                                            38. You become who you spend your time with.

                                                                              39. Be stubborn about your goals and flexible about your methods.

                                                                                40. Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.

                                                                                  41. If you don’t build your dreams, someone else will hire you to build theirs.

                                                                                    42. Between stimulus and response is our greatest power –the freedom to choose.

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                                                                                      43. What comes easy won’t last, what lasts won’t come easy.

                                                                                        44. Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your limits.

                                                                                          45. Work until your idols become your rivals.

                                                                                            Quotes about money

                                                                                            46. Formal education will make you a living. Self-education will make you a fortune.

                                                                                              47. I create new enemies every day, it’s called business.

                                                                                                48. When you have a Million Dollar vision, don’t surround yourself with 1 cent minds.

                                                                                                  49. You can’t get rich thinking poor.

                                                                                                    50. Doing what is comfortable is rarely profitable.

                                                                                                      51. If you can count your money, work harder.

                                                                                                        If you find yourself feeling lost and frustrated, it’s never too late to change things up. Check out this guide:

                                                                                                        How to Start Over and Reboot Your Life When It Seems Too Late

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