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5 Lessons Single Moms Can Learn From Their Kids

5 Lessons Single Moms Can Learn From Their Kids

Being a single mom is tough work. If you’re a lone mother, you’re on the job 24-7, and all-too-often solely responsible for supporting the family financially as well as emotionally. On the other hand, if you share custody, it often feels like something so important is missing when the kids are away.

Most of us never expected to end up single parents; we didn’t sign up for this! Whether your ex is still in your kids’ lives or not, you probably often feel overwhelmed by a to-do list the length of your arm, as well as feeling isolated and like you’ve lost all sense of “me” when you became a single mom. And if you’re the only adult in the house, you don’t have a shoulder to cry on; you don’t want your kids to be worried about you, so you do your best to put on a brave face even when you really feel like curling up into the fetal position, in a fortress of blankets, with a bottle of wine (glass not necessary).

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All of this is perfectly normal. It’d be hard to find a single mother who doesn’t feel this way sometimes. But so much of happiness is about outlook, not circumstances; some things are out of your control, but there are always still plenty of things to be grateful and happy for!

Kids have a way of seeing the joy in life, getting excited over little things and having fun. You’ve taught your kids lots of important things, but they have some lessons to teach you too!

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1. You need to take more me-time.

A research study of single mothers in Japan found that single mothers living with at least one other adult (usually a parent) are much happier than mothers living just with their children. Being all alone in the house with no adult company and no one to relieve you of duty can really get you down. Kids usually don’t have to think about taking me-time, since they have a lot less responsibilities than you do, but if you’re the only adult in the house, you really need to make the effort to carve some out.

2. The small things in life are actually pretty awesome.

Remember the joys of playing in the sandpit as a kid? Paper-mache? Coloring? Forget the trappings of adulthood now and then, and get in on that finger-painting fun. If you’ve been too stressed to stop and smell the flowers, it’s time to do so.

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3. Sometimes, you’ve gotta nag to get what you want.

Over time, you’ve probably been socialized with the idea that you should keep your head down and not make a fuss. Your kids aren’t too concerned with that when they’re nagging you for that Popsicle. In life, sometimes you have to assert yourself and protect your rights (not that a Popsicle is a right, but you see where I’m going here) instead of being worried about what people will think of you. If you’re doing the right thing, you don’t need to worry about someone else’s approval.

4. Get some exercise!

Your kids love to frolic in the playground, play chase and hopscotch. Adults tend to think of exercise as something that you do at the gym, a boring punishment for that donut you ate for lunch. There’s actually a lot of fun exercise you can do, and get the kids involved with: hiking, swimming, or even mommy-toddler yoga!

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5. Learn something new every day.

If you’ve been away from formal education, it has probably been a while since you’ve felt intellectually stimulated, especially if your kids are young (i.e. you’re knee-deep in ABCs and diapers). By the end of the day, you might just feel like vegetating in front of the TV. But the world is a fascinating place and there’s always exciting new things to learn about.

Bonus: When your kids see you passionate about learning for learning’s sake, not just for grades, it’ll inspire them too, and if you share what you’ve learned it can make for very interesting dinner-table conversations!

You will still have lots of stressed, overwhelmed moments, but if you get in touch with your inner child, and remember how to play, you should feel like you can handle them better. Enjoy these years; they go by too fast!

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Lara Silbert

Freelance content writer & University of Western Australia postgraduate student

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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