Advertising
Advertising

8 Phrases Parents Should Never Say to Their Kids

8 Phrases Parents Should Never Say to Their Kids

Make no mistake; while parenting is one of the most rewarding challenges you can undertake as an adult, it is also one of the most difficult. After all, as parents we are often preoccupied with the practical requirements of parenting, such as creating a safe, durable, and damp-free home and providing financially for our children’s future.

This can cause us to lose sight of our children’s emotional needs, however, which in turn can have a detrimental effect on their development and mental well-being. More specifically, we can inadvertently say things that have a negative impact in the mind of infants, cultivating long-term issues like low self-esteem, diminished confidence, and an unhealthy sense of competitiveness.

With this in mind, here are 8 phrases parents should never say to their kids during their development.

1. “Don’t make me ashamed of you.”

Let’s start with phrases revolving around the carrot and the stick phenomenon, which parents mindlessly use to either solicit good behaviour or discourage mischievousness. By using extreme and emotive phrases such as “don’t make me ashamed of you”, however, you are running the risk of emotionally wounding your child and hindering their ability to process both praise and constructive criticism.

Advertising

Children who hear this phrase are also likely to constantly seek approval in the eyes of others, and this can breed significant issues when they attempt to form romantic relationships in later life.

2. “I promise we can go on holiday this year.”

Conversely, it can be equally damaging to dangle rewards in-front of children, only to withdraw them without notice or just reason. This can create trust issues between you and your kids, while it may also hinder them from forming bonds with other adults in positions of authorities.

Of course, parents can argue that financial constraints may prevent them from booking a planned holiday, but it is always better to seek out an affordable alternative than reneging on your promise entirely. This is always an option, as was evidenced in the wake of the Great Recession when motorhome sales soared as customers flocked to seek alternatives as the cost of overseas travel became prohibitive.

Above all else, remember the importance of a promise in the mind of a child, and if compromise is required then explain this in detail before proceeding.

Advertising

3. “When I was your age, I was doing great.”

In the eyes of infants aged under the age of six, parents are perceived as Gods rather than mere mortals. Being placed on a pedestal in this manner adds gravity to everything that you say, while the dynamics of the relationships that they form with others are also influenced heavily by the phrases and statements that you use.

If you constantly refer to your own achievements as a child, for example, you may be fostering an unhealthy sense of competitiveness in your kids and creating an infant mind-set that is desperate to validate its self-worth. While this is not necessarily harmful during childhood, it takes on a more sinister form later in life as it encourages individuals to pursue goals to please others rather than personal gratification. This can lead to long-term unhappiness and prevent your children from enjoying a full and contented life.

4. “The other children performed better than you on that test.”

Similarly, comparing your child’s level of achievement with that of their peers can have a highly detrimental impact on their ability to form relationships with people of the same age. Instead of seeing the value in friendship and forming bonds, they are more likely to view their peers and competitors who must be superseded at every opportunity.

This not only hinders their social development, but it will also impact the way in which they are perceived by others. Perhaps even more worryingly, the process of comparing children negatively to their classmates can also create self-esteem issues in later life, as well as an innate tendency to validate themselves in accordance with the actions of others.

Advertising

5. “You won’t grow up to be strong if you don’t eat all of your dinner.”

This is a common and often playful phrase, which is well-intended but can have a negative impact on children. After all, eating disorders and phobias surrounding certain foods are far more likely to emerge during childhood, occasionally as a result of trauma but more commonly through the subconscious projections of parents.

In this instance, you are using a form of manipulation to achieve a desired result, and this can cause children to place too heavy an emphasis on the importance of food and the consequences of not eating certain delicacies. Instead, it is far better to encourage children to eat specific foods by articulating their health benefits, or alternatively make the process of eating more engaging and a little less serious.

6. “You’re just like your father (or mother).”

Now the impact phrase depends largely on its delivery, although as a general rule you should avoid saying it at all costs. Even if the phrase is repeated in jest, it can create negative connotations in a child’s mind and cause them to take a dim of view of the traits that they share with a particular parent.

This can create distance between you and your child, but this is nothing compared to the impact of this phrase when it is uttered in anger. In this instance, you are presenting a clear sign that you are unhappy with your relationship, unsettling the child and inadvertently engaging them in a parental conflict. Your child may also become a subconscious outlet for your angst and frustration, which in turn lowers their self-esteem and creates an unwanted distraction at school.

Advertising

With this in mind, strive to avoid unflattering comparisons between your child and partner, and instead frame your criticism constructively without referring to anybody else.

7. “I don’t want to hear another peep out of you.”

Sure, kids can be rowdy and boisterous at times, and as a parent it is your job to manage their behaviour according to the situation. Conversely, parents must not create boundaries that prevent their children from expressing themselves, or attempt to curb the natural mischievousness that is often a sign of intelligence or creativity.

By telling your child that you do want to hear them anymore, regardless of the circumstances, you are unknowingly suggesting that their presence is not welcome in your life. In the developing mind of a child, this tends to breed feelings of guilt and inadequacy, as they can find it hard to distinguish between the vagaries of words and how they are used. Instead of using such harsh and cutting language, you should instead focus on your tone when telling your child to be quiet and frame it as a real-time rather than an open-ended instruction.

8. “If you do this for me, I’ll love you forever.”

The issue with this phrase is obvious to spot, as parents are supposed to love their child on an eternal and unconditional basis. This type of seemingly innocent and playful phrase actually suggests that a parent’s love is conditional on your behaviour and fulfilment of their wishes, and this can have huge implications as your children grow and attempt to form adult relationships.

Such a phrase, when used over time, also conditions children to grow into people-pleasers, as they set aside their own wishes to satisfy others regardless of the circumstances. This risk must be negated at all costs, as you while you should always remind your child that you love them you must also clarify the fact that this emotion is unconditional entirely unrelated to their behaviour or values.

More by this author

6 Ways To Wake Up Early Without Feeling Tired 10 Reasons A Long-Distance Relationship Will Work 12 iPhone 6 Tricks You Probably Don’t Know But Should We Are Often Confused Empathy With Sympathy but What’s The Difference Actually? To Make Wise Decisions, Ask Yourself These Questions Every Time

Trending in Child Education

1 Research Finds The Effects Of Homework On Elementary School Students, And The Results Are Surprising 2 5 Tips For Teaching Money Management To Children 3 If You Want Your Kids To Be Successful, Don’t Protect Them In This Way 4 Helpful Things Your Child Should Learn Before They Turn 18 5 The Lessons Chess Can Teach Your Children

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on January 12, 2021

Signs of Depression in Children (And How to Help Them to Overcome It)

Signs of Depression in Children (And How to Help Them to Overcome It)

Children, just like adults, can be depressed. Sometimes seemingly normal children with no major life issues can become depressed. It is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes clinical depression to occur. There are specific signs that you should recognize in your child if they are depressed. Getting them help and treatment is crucial to their mental wellness.

In this article, we will look into the signs of depression in children and how parents can help them to overcome it.

Signs of depression in children

The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder) is the widely accepted instruction guide that professionals utilize for diagnosing mental disorders. The DSM characterizes a Major Depressive Episode as depressed behaviors that consistently last for two weeks or longer. Therefore, if your child has been “down in the dumps”, feeling hopeless or having sadness for more than two weeks, it should be cause for concern and investigated.

Below are signs of depression according to the DSM manual. The individual must have at least five of these behaviors present for a period of two weeks or longer to be officially diagnosed as having MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). Below is a summary/generalization from the DSM manual:

  • Feelings of deep sadness or depressed mood that last most of the day (for two weeks or more). For children they can present as irritable rather than sad.
  • Diminished interest in activities (again majority of the day or all the time).
  • Significant weight loss (not through dieting), or a decrease in appetite. In children, they fail to make expected weight gains while growing.
  • Difficulty sleeping (insomnia).
  • Either a slowing of psychomotor abilities/actions or an apparent agitation of these psychomotor abilities. This means that they either have moments that lack purpose and seem to be done because of agitation and tension or there is a significant slowness/retardation of their speech and physical actions.
  • Fatigue and loss of energy.
  • Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt every day.
  • Difficulty thinking, making decisions, or concentrating every day. This may be reflected in their grades.
  • Preoccupation with death and dying or suicidal thoughts.

Please note that if your child is suffering from the loss of a loved one and is processing through the stages of grief, it is normal to have these signs of depression. If they seem to be stuck in the depression stage, then it is time to pursue grief counseling to help them along in the grieving process.

However, if they are not suffering from a bereavement or a medical condition that would cause the above symptoms, then they should be taken to a professional for possible diagnosis and treatment of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder).

How to help your child with depression

Depression is not to be taken lightly. Especially if suicidal thoughts are present. The child’s feelings and emotions are real and must be taken seriously. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), suicide is the number two cause of death for individuals between the ages of 10 and 34.[1]

Professional help is recommended if you believe your child fits the criterion for MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). You can take your child to their paediatrician for an evaluation and referral. Depending on the severity of the symptoms, they may benefit from medication such as anti-depressants.

Most professionals do not dispense medication as the first remedy for depression. Instead therapy is the first line of defense against depression, with medication being paired with therapy if the therapy is not enough or the symptoms are severe enough.

Testing

There are assessment tools that professionals can utilize to help in properly determining whether your child is depressed. The three tools used in assessing depression in children are:

Advertising

  • The Children’s Depression Rating Scale (CDRS)
  • Children’s Depression Inventory (CDI)
  • Clinical Global Impression (CGI)

Taking your child to a professional mental health counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist can help ensure proper testing and assessment occurs.

Therapy

There are many types of therapy available today. It is important to find a professional that specializes in childhood depression and the treatment of such.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the leading therapy methods in treating childhood depression. For younger children, play therapy is useful in treating childhood depression as children are often able to better communicate through play than conversation alone.

What parents can do at home to help their depressed child

Besides seeking for professional help, there are a couple of things that parents can do at home to help their depressed child:

1. Talk with your child about their feelings in a compassionate and empathetic manner.

It can feel high pressure to sit face to face and ask your child about their feelings. However, going on a walk, playing a board game or playing alongside your child (chose whichever is age appropriate for your child) can allow them to relax and open up about their feelings.

Ask your child open ended questions that require more than a simple yes or no to engage in more meaningful conversations. Never judge while they are being open and honest with you because it will inevitably cause them to shut down and move away from being open with you.

It is okay to allow for periods of silence during the conversations because sometimes the child is processing their thoughts and emotions during your time together. You don’t have to fill the space and entire time with talking as silence at times is helpful.

2. Provide activities that help them relax and de-stress.

For smaller children, there are simple ways to help them relax.

Provide play opportunities that they find relaxing such as coloring, painting, working with Play-do or clay, or playing with sand and sand toys. Again, find activities that interest your child and are age appropriate are helpful in making them relaxed.

3. Limit screen time.

Technology is not helpful in making your child less depressed. It can often be an escape that keeps them from further opening up about their feelings and emotions.

Advertising

Limit time in front of the TV, laptop, smart phone, video games and tablets, etc. Any electronics that seem to prevent your child from face to face interactions should be limited. Ask Dr. Sears cites that researchers have found kids who have higher levels of screen time are at greater risk for anxiety and depression.[2]

Provide alternate activities to replace the screen time such as hiking, crafting, drawing, constructing, biking and playing outside, etc. Some children may be so dependent on their screen time as their source for entertainment that they may need you to participate in alternate activities alongside them in order to get engaged in the activities.

You can’t simply tell your child to go outside to play if they are suffering from depression, lack friends and are used to sitting down and playing video games each day after school. Go outside with your child and do a nature hike or take your child to a playground and have fun together to get them engaged in these alternate activities.

4. Promote outdoor time and physical activities.

Encourage your children to take part in activities that especially involve nature such as nature hikes. Do these activities with them to help them engage in the activities. Again this is an opportunity for open conversations to occur and quality time to take place.

5. Help your child when problems and difficult tasks arise.

Assist them by helping them break down the task into smaller and more manageable parts. Children with depression often have difficulty taking on large problems and tasks and find them overwhelming. Helping them by breaking down the task into smaller and more manageable tasks will assist in helping raise their confidence when the small tasks are mastered.

Small tasks mastered lead to bigger tasks being mastered over time. It is a process over time, patience and a willingness to work alongside your child. This does not mean doing the task or taking on the problem solely yourself. Many times all the child needs is for you to break down the larger task into smaller more manageable tasks and for you to patiently talk your child through the completion of these smaller tasks.

6. Help your child reduce life stress.

When children are depressed, they have greater difficulty handling life activities in general. Cut back on activities that cause stress to increase and look for ways to help reduce stress in your child’s life.

7. Foster a positive home atmosphere.

Reduce or eliminate negative attitudes, language and conversations. Also avoid raised voices, passive aggressive behaviors and any form of physical violence in the home.

Make your home a safe haven for your child instead of an atmosphere that is ever volatile (in words, emotions or physically). Make it a calm environment that makes your child feel safe and secure mentally, emotionally and physically.

8. Help your child see the positive in life situations.

Point out the positives in a situation rather than the negatives. Help them see the bright side of any situation.

Advertising

Be a model of seeing the positive in life by speaking words that are uplifting, encouraging and positive. Resist the temptation to voice negative thoughts that come to mind as your child can feed off your emotions and words.

9. Believe your child when they talk about how they are feeling.

Listen to them patiently and take their words seriously. Do not discount or minimize their feelings. Express empathy and compassion when they do open up about their feelings. Help them utilize “I feel” statements in expressing their emotions.

10. Keep watch for suicidal behaviors.

Such behaviors include your child/teen researching this topic online, them giving away their possessions and a preoccupation with death.

Seek professional help immediately with the presentation of suicidal behaviors or thoughts. Keep this number on hand and use it when in doubt: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number 1-800-273-8255.

11. Keep all prescriptions, alcohol, drugs and weapons locked and away from children and teens.

This is a given for all children, but even more imperative for children who are depressed as they have an increased likelihood to abuse drugs and alcohol. They also have an increased likelihood to attempt suicide. So keep weapons and tools such as ropes and knives that can used for suicide out of the child’s ability to use.

12. Spend quality one-on-one time with your child.

Make the time during your day, every day, to spend quality time with your child. You may have limited time and cannot provide an hour or more a day to dedicate to one-on-one time with your child, but you should provide a minimum of 20 minutes a day with your child spending quality one-on-one time together. Try the suggested activities listed in point #3.

13. Be an encouragement and supporter of your child.

Show love and not frustration or anger because of the situation and your child’s condition. Help keep your attitude positive so your child can also see the positive.

Provide daily words of affirmation that are not based on end results (such as a grade or a win) but instead praise the effort they put forth. If you praise the outcome, they will be disappointed when their efforts don’t pan out. If they are praised for their efforts regardless of the outcome, their confidence is built based upon something that they can control (the effort they put into things).

14. Help your child to live a healthy lifestyle.

Sleep is a very important factor in your child’s mood. Not getting enough sleep can cause an entire day to be upset. According to Sleep Aid Resource, children between the ages of 3 and 18 need between 8 and 12 hours of sleep each night:[3]

Advertising

    Ensure your child is eating a healthy and balanced diet, getting physical activity/exercise daily and plenty of sleep time.

    15. Help your child foster positive relationships and friendships with their peers.

    Set up play dates for your younger child and encourage older children to invite friends over to your home.

    16. Talk about bullying.

    It can be one of the causes of your child’s depression, so discuss their life outside of home and their interactions with their peers. Help them recognize bullying and discuss how to handle bullying properly.

    17. Help your child follow the treatment plan outlined by their doctor, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist.

    Make sure you know the treatment plan that your child’s health care professional has outlined for child. This may include counseling session recommendations, medications and recommendations to follow through with in the home. Completing the plan will help provide optimal results for your child in the long run. A plan doesn’t work unless it is followed.

    18. Recognize that professional treatment takes time to show results.

    Don’t expect results for the first few weeks. It may take a month or longer, so be patient and understanding with your child.

    Depression in children is curable

    Depression in children can happen for a variety of reasons. It is quite treatable.

    Professional help is recommended if your child can possibly be diagnosed with a depressive episode. There are interventions that can be implemented in a professional setting, at home and at school. The key is having a plan of action to help your child.

    Ignoring the problem or hoping the depression will just go away is not a good plan. Treatment is imperative to curing depression in children.

    The first step is talking to your child’s paediatrician to get the ball rolling. He or she will refer you to specialists in your area that can help your child overcome and conquer their depression one day at a time. With you by their side, each step of the way you will get through it together and it is quite possible for your relationship with your child to be strengthened in the process as well. That can be your silver lining or positive outlook on the situation at hand.

    Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

    Reference

    [1] National Institute of Mental Health: Suicide
    [2] Ask Dr. Sears: It’s a Virtual World: Setting Practical Screen Time Limits
    [3] Sleep Aid Resource: Sleep Chart

    Read Next