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Here’s Why It’s Absolutely OK If Your Kid Isn’t Happy All The Time

Here’s Why It’s Absolutely OK If Your Kid Isn’t Happy All The Time

As a parent, it is natural to feel sad when your kid is unhappy. You want to run and alleviate the suffering of your child as soon as it surfaces, especially when you are the cause of their unhappiness. However, it is important to remember that seeing our kids unhappy is a side effect of teaching them necessary life lessons.

Remaining in a constant state of happiness is not possible in life. By focusing on keeping your kids happy all of the time, you are giving them the idea that everything in life will come easy. You are not allowing them to learn how to effectively deal with times of adversity. You are not allowing them to feel the other half of being human — negative emotions and suffering.

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Our suffering oftentimes brings about the best lessons we will learn in life. It is the same with the suffering of kids, and sometimes that means watching our kids suffer. We do not learn or grow if we do not face times that force us to learn or grow.

An Effective Parent -> An Effective Discipliner

Part of being an effective parent is being a teacher, which also means being an effective discipliner. With the parent being the first and primary teacher, it is your obligation to teach your kids responsibility, respect for others, right from wrong, that there are repercussions for bad actions, and much more. Growing up in a home without a set of expectations to uphold and the knowledge of the repercussions that will come if a kid doesn’t abide by certain rules will often lead to a problem child later in life.

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What Researches Say About It

Research shows that ineffective parenting can lead to academic problems, behavioral problems, mental health problems, and emotional problems. Having a kid that is unhappy due to effective parenting that teaches them necessary life lessons far outweighs having a kid that has behavioral problems due to ineffective parenting. The downside is that having a set of expectations and responsibilities for your kids will sometimes lead to having very unhappy kids, and that’s OK.

Having an unhappy child does not mean you are a bad parent. It is so important to not allow the sight of unhappiness in your kids to sway you away from upholding expectation, responsibility, or disciplining them. You may feel extremely wrong, sad, and it may hurt you, but this is part of parenting.

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Things To Remember

You are not a horrible parent if there are days where your kid is not happy because you made them do the dishes. You are not a horrible parent if your kid does not talk to you for a week because you grounded them for bringing home a bad grade on a report card. You are an effective parent, teaching your kid that sometimes in life we have to suffer the repercussions of our actions. You are teaching them that not everything in life is given with ease and that we have to work for what we want. You are teaching them that sometimes in life, we have to do things that we don’t want to do. And you are teaching them that sometimes we will face unhappiness and we have to learn how to deal with that unhappiness effectively.

Disciplined kids grow up to be successful, responsible, and respectful adults. And most likely, later on in life when your kids are parents themselves, they will thank you for being the role model, teacher, and rule-holder that you were. They will thank you for those moments of unhappiness they had to face for not upholding the expectations you set, because it taught them how to be a successful adult, and parent, themselves.

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Published on November 12, 2020

How to Identify And Play to Your Child’s Strengths

How to Identify And Play to Your Child’s Strengths

As you sit there, perhaps on a sofa, maybe a lounge chair, or while you’re sharing a meal at the table, you glance over to the pride and joy you are happy each day to call your child. They smile back, running around the table they learned to stand up using or kiss you on the cheek as they snatch your car keys for their first (or second, but what feels like hopefully the last) errand using your car. You watch as they take their plate from the table, ask if anyone needs anything on their way to the sink, and then finally meander towards the living room saying to you, “Bed fort after dinner?”

How respectful! How creative! Such initiative!

What you may not realize is that because we don’t often think about this in the day-to-day of parenting, your child’s strengths—the initiative, creativity, drive, passion, and introspective nature that turns other people off—are cultivated daily!

If you’ve never given thoughts to your child’s inherent strengths, that’s okay. As is all too common, you’re conditioned to only look at what they need to fix.[1]

Turns out, identifying, cultivating, and managing your child’s strengths isn’t very difficult. In fact, much of those three steps can occur during a visit to the park. Let’s discover simple and effective ways to highlight your child’s strengths.

Identifying Strengths

Now, I know what you may be thinking: between office meetings, Zoom sessions, laundry, and grocery shopping, when exactly do I have time to become a psychologist?

I get it. But really, identifying your child’s strengths is not difficult. In fact, a simple exercise usually suffices—participate in their play!

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Participate in Their Play

Play can take many forms and is usually defined as an activity that does not bring extrinsic value to be enjoyed—us adults typically refer to these activities as “hobbies.” Whether your child is two or thirteen, children are children, after all, and play is essential.

According to a report from the University of Utah, play is a way for children to practice “problem-solving, self-control, and learning how to share.”[2] Aren’t those powerful strengths that we should identify and cultivate in our supportive role of helping children thrive as adults?

When children engage in play, they naturally show how they lead, how they empathize with others, and how they work with others (or not) to solve problems. If you spend time being present with your children during play, you will be able to see how your child’s strengths manifest in the simplest of activities. Seeing your children play allows you to see how they make mistakes, too, which is a powerful indicator of their sense of self.

Allow (Supported) Mistakes—and Often!

Identifying your child’s strengths has nothing to do with demanding them to be perfect. Far from it, actually. Remember—you are guiding them to becoming a self-sufficient and nurturing adult, and there aren’t many of us out there that are perfect!

Highlighting moments when your child has made some mistakes and working through how to bounce back or fix that mistake can be wondrous when they are working towards understanding their effect on others, themselves, and the world.

Just like parents that tend to focus too much on the negative, children too often learn more from their mistakes than their successes. Catch your child softly during a mistake, and work through a plan to get themselves out of it. Your goal is not to fix their issue, of course, but to build within them the capacity to make a better choice next time.

When you take on this mindset of an engaging and present parent that is looking for ways to build your child’s strengths, you’ll be surprised at what you see them able to do.

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Some solid examples of inherent child strengths to look for include:

These are the soft skills that are being developed as young as preschool and even before. In today’s global workplace environment, ensuring that your child is developing in these (and other) areas will set them up for success.

Okay, great. You’ve watched your children at the park or tag along with your teenager to a volunteer event and notice how gracious they are. How do we keep that going?

As is normally the case, you’ll see that cultivating strengths is no more difficult than identifying them.

Cultivating Your Child’s Identified Strengths

Imagine this scenario: Thursday evening, and you’ve worked your fourth ten-hour day. Your partner is late getting home from work, and your three kids are all wanting different things for dinner that should have been made yesterday.

At the exact moment you’re about to snap from the pressure, your middle child says, “Hey, maybe we can all act like chefs tonight and make our own dinners? Might be fun!”

Um, yes, please?

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As you settle in bed later that evening and reflect on that exchange in the kitchen, you start to highlight other times that child—and, as you doze, your other children in their own ways—stepping up and leading. You know this cannot be by accident, so what’s going on here?

Provide Many At-Bats

Just because a child can take their plate to the sink doesn’t mean they are responsible enough with Grandma’s China set. But when you provide the “at-bats” for children to build capacity using their strengths, you see the road to them handling more difficult scenarios becoming less and less cluttered with obstacles.

There will come a day, and perhaps soon, that your child will be able to navigate that China with extreme grace. Today just ain’t that day, but with some work, it’ll come!

Providing opportunities for your child to build on their strengths is a great idea. Everyone likes to feel competent, and your child is no different! Setting up scaffolded opportunities for them to showcase their budding personalities decreases the stress and increases the chance that, next time, they will perform even better.

Teach Them to Trust but Verify

Good leaders don’t have all the answers. Neither should you and of course, we don’t expect our children to know everything. But we should build within them the capacity for understanding what they don’t know and figuring out ways to get the information they need to work through their situations.

You cannot always have the answers, either. So, what should you do?

Exposing them to the world of information that exists is a good start. Great, you’ve identified your child is empathetic, but must they assist and provide supportive care to everyone they encounter? Or should there be some healthy boundaries established?

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Working with your children to mold and curate these more nuanced approaches to their strengths will provide them with a good road map to use when they ultimately leave you and lead their own lives.

Turning Weaknesses Into Opportunities

While not exactly the elephant in the room, I can’t possibly write an article about child strengths without also addressing the fact that our children aren’t possibly capable of being good at everything.

Perhaps one of your most important roles as a parent is to decide what strengths your child has and to inspire them to cultivate those strengths using the tips and suggestions in this article. However, there will be a wide variety of opportunities for you to work through the challenges your child experiences.

I don’t want this to sound too harsh but the fact is, everyone has competencies on a spectrum: you can work, hustle, and grind to develop parts of your personality or skill set to whatever gain you set for yourself. Allowing children to operate with a mindset of progress, not perfection, will help their journey. You cannot be weak, after all, if you are constantly striving for improvement.

So, the next time you take your kiddo out to the park, attend a professional sporting event, or perhaps when you’re playing cards in the living room on a cold winter night, pay attention to how they maneuver around.

How are they asking for what they need? How are they offering support? How are they handling conflict? How are they bouncing back from missed opportunities or mess-ups?

In each of those moments—and many more—the opportunity to cultivate strength in your child is just around the corner!

More Tips on Developing Your Child’s Strengths

Featured photo credit: Nathan Dumlao via unsplash.com

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