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I Don’t Chase People Anymore After Learning “I Do Matter”

I Don’t Chase People Anymore After Learning “I Do Matter”

We are all a collective being of our experiences, thoughts and beliefs and many of these are aimed at our own self-value and self-worth. How we feel about ourselves within can determine our outside experiences, actions and interactions with those around us. In other words, if you experience low self-worth and don’t put a high value on your role in the world then this can have a detrimental effect on your relationships and even your mental well-being and happiness.

It’s easy to develop negative feelings about yourself; in fact, you are more likely to develop the same level of self-worth as one of your parents or a mixture of the two. From an early age, you can start to determine your place in the world by evaluating your connections with the people around you and this can develop into negative connections if you are around dominating, critical or judgemental people.

Without even realising it, you can carry this low-self worth into adulthood and apply it to the relationships you create. If this sounds familiar to you then you’re not alone. I’m one of those people too – someone who has struggled with low-self worth that has sabotaged both relationships with others, but most importantly with myself.

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How lack of self-love truly affected me

I’ve always been a more naturally introverted person and quite shy at times as well as highly sensitive. That meant every time a mean comment was thrown at me (which always happened to everyone at some stage during school) it stuck in my mind like superglue. Instead of having the inner strength and self-love to shrug it off and refuse to believe it, I added it to my bank of inner criticism and took it as truth.

I didn’t ever feel like I had someone to tell me this isn’t true – that the negative thoughts and actions of others can’t damage me unless I let them. I wasn’t aware that I had the power to ignore or understand the true meanings behind personal attacks, in my mind, it was my fault because I must be a less worthy person.

This transcended into my relationships with others. I would never stand my ground but instead run around after people to gain their recognition or acceptance. This, in turn, meant I was easily used and I stayed in relationships that made me unhappy, that were unfulfilling and didn’t allow me the space to grow. I would often stay with someone through fear that I wouldn’t ever find someone else or be worthy of a better relationship.

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The constant need for love

Lack of self-love and feeling like I didn’t matter meant I would seek love externally. Relationships defined me. If I was striving to make the other person happy then that was the basis of my own happiness. If they were in a bad mood, it was my fault – self-blame was evident in all areas of my life. I needed to be accepted wherever I went and if I wasn’t then there was something wrong with me. I always had to please others and put their happiness above my own because in my mind, that was a reflection of me.

The problem with this is that it eats away at you; it’s exhausting. I didn’t have the ability or even the want to set myself life goals and I didn’t celebrate any achievements because I didn’t let myself congratulate myself – it was extremely alien to me.

Understanding that happiness comes from within and starts with self-love

There came a point in my life where I found myself alone, broke, jobless and depressed. They say you need to experience the very bottom before you can rise to the top, well this was the experience for me. It was after a breakdown that I finally had enough. I couldn’t live my life this way – I can’t live my life to please others.

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It was this realisation that started my journey to self-love and happiness. I finally realised that only I can be responsible for how I feel, for my reactions to situations and other people. My inner-world is a direct reflection of my outer-world: my low self-worth and lack of respect for myself was showing in my life situation and my relationships.

Changing the way you think about yourself after a lifetime is not an easy process but with support, encouragement and determination both from external sources and myself I came to realise that I am loveable and what other people think about me is just their own issues they are struggling with. This was probably the first hugely important realisation for me – people aren’t superior, they are not living their life perfectly, they make mistakes and they have issues just like me. I shouldn’t compare myself to people who aren’t perfect themselves – no one is.

Whether you’re a happy or unhappy person is determinate on whether you love yourself and know you matter in this world or not. Discovering that inner happiness will simply change the way you see things for what they really are and placing yourself as important in everything you do.

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The road to self-love is always a continuous journey and for me, it has now improved my life in so many ways. Finally, my outer world is reflecting my inner world in a much more positive and happy way.

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Jenny Marchal

Freelance Writer

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Last Updated on February 18, 2019

Why It’s Never Too Late To Redefine Yourself

Why It’s Never Too Late To Redefine Yourself

The ability to reinvent and redefine yourself is a bold, daring and purposeful choice. It doesn’t just happen. You have to make a conscious, intentional choice and then follow through.

If the thought of forging a new path, changing habits, thought patterns and your inner circle of friends scares you – you’re not alone. Change can be a very scary thing. It takes courage, fortitude and a bit of faith to decide to shed your old self and don a new persona. However, it is one of the most critical processes one must repeatedly endure in the pursuit of destiny. Change unlocks new levels of potential.

The Need for Change

Everyday when we wake up, we make a decision. We decide to follow our routine or we decide to go off script and shake things up a bit. For those who are creatures of habit, routine is comfortable, easy and produces very little stress. The problem with this is, after a while you stop growing.

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We all reinvent ourselves at some point in our lives. It is absolutely necessary to achieve certain levels of success.

Reflect back on who you were as a teenager and then who you were at 25. Those are two very different people. Most of us are completely different. Your thought patterns changed, your appearance, job, level of education and even your friends– changed. We like to refer to this as “growing up” or maturing and consider it to be one of life’s natural progressions. However the changes you made were purposeful and deliberate.

This process must be a lifelong and continuous cycle. You are never too old to refresh yourself.

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    Signs It’s Time to Redefine

    “Just as established products and brands need updating to stay alive and vibrant, you periodically need to refresh or reinvent yourself.”– Mireille Guiliano

    So how do you know when it’s time for a system upgrade? There are signs along the way that alert you that it is time for an overhaul. The first sign is the feeling of being stuck. If you feel like you are in a rut, you’re bored with life or you need some newness and excitement, a self reinvention may be in order. Re-evaluate your life vision and your goals. Is that vision still valid and are your goals consistent with your vision and–are they achievable? If you are off course, it’s time for a change. If you are not moving forward and making progress, it’s time for a change.

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    In life, there’s no such thing as neutrality–you’re either moving forward or you are moving backward. Time constantly moves forward and if you are standing still, you are actually losing ground. No matter your age or stage in life– there is always room for improvement.

    “You’re never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream.” ~C. S. Lewis

    The second sign that you are due for a change is the occurrence of major life events in which change is forced upon you. Getting married, starting a new job, being promoted, ending a relationship, becoming a parenting or relocating are all prime opportunities to completely overhaul your life.

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    When these major shifts occur in your life–you have to shift with them. You can’t have a single mentality and have a successful marriage. You can’t remain selfish and irresponsible, and raise a healthy, well-adjusted child. You can’t be promoted to a supervisory position and keep the same subordinate attitude. Each level of success requires something different from you.

    Aronld in Predator

      Consider, for a moment, Arnold Schwarzenegger. People may have different opinions about his character and some of his life choices, but he is a master at reinventing himself. He achieved the ultimate success as a professional body builder by earning the title “Mr. Universe” three times. He then earned a tremendous amount of fame and fortune in the entertainment industry making action/adventure films. And in his latest role, he served two terms as the Governor of California. He succeeded as a professional body builder, a film star and a politician. Each role required massive amounts of change, commitment, strength and hard work.

      And if Arnold can do it…so can you!

      Featured photo credit: BK via flickr.com

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