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5 Fundamentals of Body Language to Increase Your Success in Life

5 Fundamentals of Body Language to Increase Your Success in Life

Body language isn’t a mere set of “techniques” or a show to put on for others. It is how you move in this world, and how you move, in many ways, dictates how you feel, what you say, what you strive for and what you allow to escape your grasp. Just as form follows function, so does your inner life — your emotional state, your confidence, your vivacity — follow what your body is doing.

For instance, when you hold your body with confidence, you will actually feel more confident. If you slump your shoulders and hang your head, looking down, your brain will read that as sadness and depression, and you will actually FEEL sadder and more listless. Furthermore, as is widely shown by research, your body language — by an overwhelming margin — is the most instant and visceral way that people assess who you “really” are.

A weak limp-fish handshake, for example, will immediately cause us to peg someone as ineffectual, unconfident and untrustworthy. By contrast, someone who crushes your hand and booms their self-introduction will immediately cause us to either cower to power, if we are the subservient type — or see through the bluster and surmise that this fellow is deeply insecure and overcompensating.

How you move your body is a language of its own, and one that is interpreted by others non-stop. And whether you seek more influence and power in your professional life, or more intimacy and clarity in your personal or intimate life, self-awareness in your body language is crucial.

As someone who has coached hundreds of people in personal and professional success, let me give you five of the most important body language “expressions,” so that you can more easily live the life you desire.

1. Do you show up as open or closed?

In my work around dating and intimacy, I begin by moving people away from the language of right and wrong, and more into the language of “open and closed.” For example, does what you say or do “open” the other person’s heart or close it.

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Similarly, your body language signals to anybody you encounter whether your heart or being feels open and receptive, or closed and anxious, judgmental, or afraid. “Open” body language signals trust, warmth, solidity, and comfort in being yourself and it feels inviting to others. “Closed” body language, by contrast, signals coldness, insecurity, isolation, and it makes the other person feel outside your sphere, pushed-away and unaccepted.

So, what are some ways you can start to cultivate open body language?

A. Do your eyes say “Welcome!” or “Scram!”?

Oftentimes the first form of connection with another person will be through your eye contact. Clearly, squinting suspiciously will convey that you are initially closed to another. By contrast, warm, relaxed eyes, and an easy slow smile when you encounter someone, will make them feel welcome and accepted.

B. Is your chest open to the other or closed off?

Think about a person with arms crossed tightly over their chest. Do they feel warm, receptive and friendly? Or guarded and judgmental?

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Uncrossing your arms, and not holding anything in front of you (like a drink, or books or folders) signals that you’re open to interact with people and ready to face what the world brings, whatever it brings. However, when you block your chest (your heart) with folded arms or objects, it may seem like you’re trying to protect yourself from something consciously or not.

C. How is your posture?

Think military posture. Think an invisibly thin steel cable from the crown of your head straight up to heaven. Think a straight spine. Think eye-level. Think feet planted solidly on the ground, with your weight evenly distributed. This kind of posture conveys strength, solidity, alertness and confidence. By contrast, if you hunch your shoulders and head is drooping down, if if you’re weight is uneven, you convey a lack of sureness, a lack of solidity.

2. What is your voice saying?

Words matter, but meaning is always dependent upon tonality. In workshops, I have students say “I love you” like a toddler, a murderer, a lovesick schoolboy, a dying wife after 50 years of marriage. How you say it matters as much as what you say.

It’s the same with daily expressions such as “No,” or “I disagree.” Try it with multiple emotions, and you’ll see how important tonality is. If you want to convey authority, practice that with common expressions. If you tend to come off as cold, and you want to convey warmth, practice that. If you want to inject more positivity into your interactions, then add positivity .

Start noticing the tonality of your voice and others and the social dynamics in your life will start shifting. Importantly, those with whom you interact will notice too. This article on Vixen Daily shows you how to use body language to become more well liked by everyone around you.

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3. Add a personal touch.

When people communicate, it’s out of a desire to connect with each other — even if for a brief moment. To raise the level of connection people feel with you, try establishing touch. Now, there are many kinds of touch — and some of it can feel unwelcome. You may remember George W. Bush’s unwelcome massaging of Angela Merkel’s shoulders.

To create a sense of appropriateness, start slow. Simply high-fiving the person when you both agree on something you really like gives them to opportunity to join in the initial touch, and that’s a two-way interaction rather than forced upon them. Or, at a moment of agreement or laughter or sudden closeness or understanding you can briefly touch someone’s upper arm. A simple touch like that is usually not felt as intrusive and it can quickly deepen the connection that you’re having with another person.

Studies show that simple touch increases feelings of good will — something that every savvy restaurant server knows. That touch on the shoulder along with the check? It adds between 19–28 percent great tip, according to some studies. For insight into the best body language for negotiating with people, check out this article.

4. Are we far apart or close?

Whether you know it or not, the physical distance that you’re close or far away from a person influences the kind of impact you have on them. The closer you are to a person when you’re communicating, the deeper the connection will be felt between the both of you. If you’re farther away, the lesser the connection will be.

Of course, the “Seinfeld Rule” holds true here — which is that an overly “close talker” can feel inappropriately intrusive. Try modulating your physical distance and see for yourself. Speak to a friend then get up and slowly distance yourself from your friend as you’re speaking. You’ll feel a psychological difference, and they will too.

Here’s another spatial-intimacy trick of the trade. Instead of standing directly opposite someone, which can create a primal “confrontation” feeling (especially if you physically larger), try standing to a person’s side and speaking with them, which half-looking out at the world together. It’ll have the both of you feel as if you’re a team.

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This article has great body language tips to apply to your life.

5. “Oh! We are alike!”

In our brains, we have what we now know as “mirror neurons.” These mirror neurons help us understand one another and the gestures we make to each other. Simply put, mirror neurons induce us to “mirror back” speech patterns or physical gestures as an unconscious was to create a sense of “tribe” or likeness.

So how can you use them to your advantage to create a sense of connection? Simply mimic the gestures, key words, vocal tonality, and pace of speech of the person you’re talking to. Doing this will deepen the connection level between you two because we all have a similarity bias, which means that we tend to like people whom we find our similar to us.

If the person to whom you’re speaking speaks quickly, try matching that pace. If they use an unusual word like “indubitably,” find a way to work that into your vocabulary while talking with them. If they pound the table while enjoying a joke, do the same. If they lean in to listen closely, then you lean in to listen closely to them.

These may seem like insignificant gestures, but they create a tremendous amount of familiarity and comfort — which is a way of saying primal safety. You may convey all kinds of messages with the words you speak — when you speak — but your body always broadcasts frequencies of information about you twenty-four-seven.

The question is, which frequency — friendly or unfriendly, safe or unsafe, authoritative or submissive — do you want to send? These five fundamental body language secrets will speed your toward your goals.

Featured photo credit: bad boy Look by Ryan McGuire via imcreator.com

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Nick Bastion

Love Expert, Relationship Coach, Author

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Last Updated on March 21, 2019

11 Important Things to Remember When Changing Habits

11 Important Things to Remember When Changing Habits

Most gurus talk about habits in a way that doesn’t help you:

You need to push yourself more. You can’t be lazy. You need to wake up at 5 am. You need more motivation. You can never fail…blah blah “insert more gibberish here.”

But let me share with you the unconventional truths I found out:

To build and change habits, you don’t need motivation or wake up at 5 am. Heck, you can fail multiple times, be lazy, have no motivation and still pull it off with ease.

It’s quite simple and easy to do, especially with the following list I’m going to show to you. But remember, Jim Rohn used to say,

“What is simple and easy to do is also simple and easy not to do.”

The important things to remember when changing your habits are both simple and easy, just don’t think that they don’t make any difference because they do.

In fact, they are the only things that make a difference.

Let’s see what those small things are, shall we?

1. Start Small

The biggest mistake I see people doing with habits is by going big. You don’t go big…ever. You start small with your habits.

Want to grow a book reading habit? Don’t start reading a book a day. Start with 10 pages a day.

Want to become a writer? Don’t start writing 10,000 words a day. Start with 300 words.

Want to lose weight? Don’t stop eating ice cream. Eat one less ball of it.

Whatever it is, you need to start small. Starting big always leads to failure. It has to, because it’s not sustainable.

Start small. How small? The amount needs to be in your comfort zone. So if you think that reading 20 pages of a book is a bit too much, start with 10 or 5.

It needs to appear easy and be easy to do.

Do less today to do more in a year.

2. Stay Small

There is a notion of Kaizen which means continuous improvement. They use this notion in habits where they tell you to start with reading 1 page of a book a day and then gradually increase the amount you do over time.

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But the problem with this approach is the end line — where the “improvement” stops.

If I go from reading 1 page of a book a day and gradually reach 75 and 100, when do I stop? When I reach 1 book a day? That is just absurd.

When you start a habit, stay at it in the intensity you have decided. Don’t push yourself for more.

I started reading 20 pages of a book a day. It’s been more than 2 years now and I’ve read 101 books in that period. There is no way I will increase the number in the future.

Why?

Because reading 40 to 50 books a year is enough.

The same thing applies to every other habit out there.

Pick a (small) number and stay at it.

3. Bad Days Are 100 Percent Occurrence

No matter how great you are, you will have bad days where you won’t do your habit. Period.

There is no way of going around this. So it’s better to prepare yourself for when that happens instead of thinking that it won’t ever happen.

What I do when I miss a day of my habit(s) is that I try to bounce back the next day while trying to do habits for both of those days.

Example for that is if I read 20 pages of a book a day and I miss a day, the next day I will have to read 40 pages of a book. If I miss writing 500 words, the next day I need to write 1000.

This is a really important point we will discuss later on rewards and punishments.

This is how I prepare for the bad days when I skip my habit(s) and it’s a model you should take as well.

4. Those Who Track It, Hack It

When you track an activity, you can objectively tell what you did in the past days, weeks, months, and years. If you don’t track, you will for sure forget everything you did.

There are many different ways you can track your activities today, from Habitica to a simple Excel sheet that I use, to even a Whatsapp Tracker.

Peter Drucker said,

“What you track is what you do.”

So track it to do it — it really helps.

But tracking is accompanied by one more easy activity — measuring.

5. Measure Once, Do Twice

Peter Drucker also said,

“What you measure is what you improve.”

So alongside my tracker, I have numbers with which I measure doses of daily activities:

For reading, it’s 20 pages.
For writing, it’s 500 words.
For the gym, it’s 1 (I went) or 0 (didn’t go).
For budgeting, it’s writing down the incomes and expenses.

Tracking and measuring go hand in hand, they take less than 20 seconds a day but they create so much momentum that it’s unbelievable.

6. All Days Make a Difference

Will one day in the gym make you fit? It won’t.

Will two? They won’t.

Will three? They won’t.

Which means that a single gym session won’t make you fit. But after 100 gym sessions, you will look and feel fit.

What happened? Which one made you fit?

The answer to this (Sorites paradox)[1] is that no single gym session made you fit, they all did.

No single day makes a difference, but when combined, they all do. So trust the process and keep on going (small).

7. They Are Never Fully Automated

Gurus tell you that habits become automatic. And yes, some of them do, like showering a certain way of brushing your teeth.

But some habits don’t become automatic, they become a lifestyle.

What I mean by that is that you won’t automatically “wake up” in the gym and wonder how you got there.

It will just become a part of your lifestyle.

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The difference is that you do the first one automatically, without conscious thought, while the other is a part of how you live your life.

It’s not automatic, but it’s a decision you don’t ponder on or think about — you simply do it.

It will become easy at a certain point, but they will never become fully automated.

8. What Got You Here Won’t Get You There

Marshall Goldsmith has a great book with the same title to it. The phrase means that sometimes, you will need to ditch certain habits to make room for other ones which will bring you to the next step.

Don’t be afraid to evolve your habits when you sense that they don’t bring you where you want to go.

When I started reading, it was about reading business and tactic books. But two years into it, I switched to philosophy books which don’t teach me anything “applicable,” but instead teach me how to think.

The most important ability of the 21st century is the ability to learn, unlearn, and relearn. The strongest tree is the willow tree – not because it has the strongest root or biggest trunk, but because it is flexible enough to endure and sustain anything.

Be like a willow, adapting to the new ways of doing things.

9. Set a Goal and Then Forget It

The most successful of us know what they want to achieve, but they don’t focus on it.

Sounds paradoxical? You’re right, it does. But here is the logic behind it.

You need to have a goal of doing something – “I want to become a healthy individual” – and then, you need to reverse engineer how to get there with your habits- “I will go to the gym four times a week.”

But once you have your goal, you need to “forget” about it and only focus on the process. Because you are working on the process of becoming healthy and it’s always in the making. You will only be as healthy as you take care of your body.

So you have a goal which isn’t static but keeps on moving.

If you went to the gym 150 times year and you hit your goal, what would you do then? You would stop going to the gym.

This is why goal-oriented people experience yo-yo effect[2] and why process-oriented people don’t.

The difference between process-oriented and goal-oriented people is that the first focus on daily actions while others only focus on the reward at the finish line.

Set a goal but then forget about it and reap massive awards.

10. Punish Yourself

Last two sections are pure Pavlovian – you need to punish bad behavior and reward good behavior. You are the only person who decides what is good and what is bad for you, but when you do, you need to rigorously follow that.

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I’ve told you in point #3 about bad days and how after one occurs, I do double the work on the next day. That is one of my forms of punishments.

It’s the need to tell your brain that certain behaviors are unacceptable and that they lead to bad outcomes. That’s what punishments are for.

You want to tell your brain that there are real consequences to missing your daily habits.[3]

No favorite food to eat or favorite show to watch or going to the cinema for a new Marvel movie- none, zero, zilch.

The brain will remember these bad feelings and will try to avoid the behaviors that led to them as much as possible.

But don’t forget the other side of the same coin.

11. Reward Yourself

When you follow and execute on your plan, reward yourself. It’s how the brain knows that you did something good.

Whenever I finish one of my habits for the day, I open my tracker (who am I kidding, I always keep it open on my desktop) and fill it with a number. As soon as I finish reading 20 pages of a book a day (or a bit more), I open the tracker and write the number down.

The cell becomes green and gives me an instant boost of endorphin – a great success for the day. Then, it becomes all about not breaking the chain and having as many green fields as possible.

After 100 days, I crunch some numbers and see how I did.

If I have less than 10 cheat days, I reward myself with a great meal in a restaurant. You can create your own rewards and they can be daily, weekly, monthly or any arbitrary time table that you create.

Primoz Bozic, a productivity coach, has gold, silver, and bronze medals as his reward system.[4]

If you’re having problems creating a system which works for you, contact me via email and we can discuss specifics.

In the End, It Matters

What you do matters not only to you but to the people around you.

When you increase the quality of your life, you indirectly increase the quality of life of people around you. And sometimes, that is all the “motivation” we need to start.

And that’s the best quote for the end of this article:

“Motivation gets you started, but habits keep you going.”

Keep going.

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More Resources to Help You Build Habits

Featured photo credit: Anete Lūsiņa via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy: Sorites paradox
[2] Muscle Zone: What causes yo-yo effect and how to avoid it?
[3] Growth Habits: 5 Missteps That Cause You To Quit Building A Habit
[4] Primoz Bozic: The Lean Review: How to Plan Your 2019 in 20 Minutes

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