Advertising
Advertising

Guilt After A Loved One’s Suicide: 5 Secrets to Self-Forgiveness

Guilt After A Loved One’s Suicide: 5 Secrets to Self-Forgiveness

At the tragically young age of 59, my mother chose to take her life. She left us without any warning or explanation.

As if that wasn’t enough for my sister, our children, and me to bear, my father did the same thing 10 years later. At least, he left a note… addressed to the woman he was dating.

It’s Never Easy to Say Goodbye

Each of them had their own reasons for choosing such drastic measures. I can now accept that, for them, the decision was the right one. Regardless, their deaths left me with a toxic cocktail of emotions and a vast wasteland where family and friends had once been. It was like, if suicide was a communicable disease, my sister and I were carriers.

Don’t get me wrong, the withdrawal wasn’t over. In fact, it was years later before I even noticed. I was too caught up in dealing with the aftermath: my emotions, the financial considerations, and maintaining a sense of normalcy for my daughters who turned 16 the day after their grandfather died. Yet, when I was finally able to reach the ground zero again, I found myself in an emotional desert.

Advertising

I’m not a very social person and tend to form friendships on the basis of quality rather than quantity. However, the rather large extended family, with whom I shared numerous holidays and vacations as a child and young adult, no longer found me and mine fit company for their own growing broods.

When I look back now on the weddings I’ve missed, the teenagers and young adults who weren’t even born the last time I saw their parents and grandparents, I can’t help but wonder that things would have been different if my parents died of natural causes. Is watching them suffer through a long and painful illness, or wallow helplessly in the depths of depression, somehow easier for people to accept?

Despite Us, Life Will Go On

By the time my dad passed, my mom had been gone for 10 years, yet it hardly seemed that long. Though he will be gone 13 years in September, my mind can’t wrap itself around the amount of time since I’ve seen his face or heard his voice teasing me about not visiting enough. Yet, I’m no longer the woman either of them knew.

I spent several years encased in a tight cocoon of suppressed emotions. I didn’t grieve, but I rarely laughed either. I made a lot of poor choices as if to punish myself for failing my mom. When I finally began working my way out of the safe compartment I’d formed, it actually created a rift with my dad. By then, his health was failing, though he never mentioned it. Had I been more aware, I’d have seen it in the way his personality changed.

Advertising

I was focused on fixing what was broken within myself. Part of that process involved blocking out the emotional toxicity of others, including my dad. Just as his crankiness and negativity grated on me, my growing positive outlook was irritating him. Though we lived only 20 minutes apart, the visits became less frequent. This was just one of the many regrets I had when he was suddenly gone.

Learning to Thrive Again

It was a conscious decision to stop wallowing, feeling guilty, and berating myself for something I could not have controlled. I was not ready to curl up into a ball and let the world go on without me. So, I had to make some changes. A friend suggested me to watch The Secret, which had been released in a video available only via their website recently. I won’t say the movie changed my life, but it did give me some options and techniques to start making the necessary changes for myself.

To make a long story short, I did a lot of reading and worked on how I presented myself to the world. In the process, I began to work through the pain, anger, shame, guilt, and grief. It has not been a fast process, nor am I anywhere close to finished, but during that process, and with the help of thousands of pages, written both publicly and privately, I have learned a few things about healing after a loved one choosing suicide.

1. It’s not about you.

No matter what you do or say, when a person commits suicide, they aren’t thinking about how it will affect you or anyone else. To them, it is simply the only viable option they can see. It’s their own choice. Period. So, get over yourself and stop trying to take responsibility for someone else’s actions. You are only responsible for your own reaction. (Disclaimer: There is one area where this won’t necessarily hold true, but I am not addressing emotional damage that caused by bullying here).

Advertising

2. Suicide is not contagious.

There is no suicide germ. In 2014, researchers at Johns Hopkins University thought they might have found bio-markers which predispose people to suicide as a result of responses to stress hormones. The issue is still being debated and no one has yet stepped up to definitively say you are more likely to commit suicide if one or both of your parents did. Even so, bio-markers are not contagious either.

3. You bear no shame for your loved one’s decision.

Society makes a lot of judgements based on who-knows-what. One of those is the shamefulness of suicide. Even worse, somewhere, someone decided that the shame of the victim is transferred to their grieving family like a scarlet “S” to be worn forevermore on their foreheads. If there is one thing I learned while working my way through the emotions associated with my parents’ deaths, it was compassion.

The choices they made could not have come easily. Each one spent considerable time in the darkness of their own thoughts before they actually performed the act which ended their life. As I wrote, read, and learned, I also tried to understand. I may never have all of the answers, but I formed enough of a picture (and the picture was drastically different for each of them) to be able to accept their decisions as the ones they believed with all their hearts were right for them.

4. Forgive and Accept

Two of the most powerful and cathartic things you can do for yourself are to accept the choices of others and forgive them for any pain you suffered as a result. However, that’s only the beginning. You also have to forgive yourself and accept that you had no control over the situation. WHAT? Forgive myself, you ask? Of course! Who else is wandering around in a fog, playing the what if game?

Advertising

What if I’d noticed something was wrong and got them help? What if I’d spent more time with them? What if I’d been less impatient? What if…what if…what if…? You could “what if” yourself to death, but they’d still be dead. Suicide doesn’t come with second chances when the person is intent on success. Unlike many teen suicide attempts, most adults do their research and make sure they’re successful the first time. Forgive yourself for all of your failings, both real and imagined. While you’re at it, accept the amazing person you are.

5. Talk to people about your feelings.

People are naturally inclined to want to help others. I don’t mean they want you to dump on them, but humans (especially people who care about you) are compassionate beings. The worst thing you can do for yourself (and for them) is to wall yourself off and handle things alone. Trust me, I made that mistake.

Until one night, the dam broke and I collapsed into a soggy puddle of withheld grief. It wasn’t pretty and it could have all been avoided if I’d let someone in, instead of building walls and pretending I was fine. You’re also not a lot of fun to be around while you’re hoarding all of those unspent emotions.

Let someone hug you. Cry on their shoulders. Talk about the person you lost. Share the special moments, especially the ones that made you laugh.

Heal, So You Can Enjoy the Rest of Your Life

This isn’t a complete process, but merely a few things I discovered through trial and error. You can choose to spend 5 or 6 years in a darkness of your own making like I did, or you can take a few baby steps outside those walls, where you’ll find love and hope to help you getting past one of the most horrific life events a person can endure. The choice is always yours.

Featured photo credit: Charli Lopez via flickr.com

More by this author

Have You Ever Wished Your Kids Will Beg To Do Their Chores? 20 Things People Regret the Most Before They Die Overcoming The Pain Of A Breakup: 3 Suggestions Based On Science Quit Your Job If You Don’t Like It, No Matter What What Highly Successful People Do Every Day To Perform At Their Best

Trending in Family

1 The Secrets to Balancing Work and Family Life 2 15 Best Father’s Day Gifts Your Father Won’t Buy On His Own 3 6 Ways to Care For Your Aging Parents From a Distance 4 What to Do If You Grew up in a Dysfunctional Family 5 How to Strengthen Family Bonds When You’re Staying at Home

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on September 18, 2020

7 Simple Rules to Live by to Get in Shape in Two Weeks

7 Simple Rules to Live by to Get in Shape in Two Weeks

Learning how to get in shape and set goals is important if you’re looking to live a healthier lifestyle and get closer to your goal weight. While this does require changes to your daily routine, you’ll find that you are able to look and feel better in only two weeks.

Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to get in shape. Although anyone can cover the basics (eat right and exercise), there are some things that I could only learn through trial and error. Let’s cover some of the most important points for how to get in shape in two weeks.

1. Exercise Daily

It is far easier to make exercise a habit if it is a daily one. If you aren’t exercising at all, I recommend starting by exercising a half hour every day. When you only exercise a couple times per week, it is much easier to turn one day off into three days off, a week off, or a month off.

If you are already used to exercising, switching to three or four times a week to fit your schedule may be preferable, but it is a lot harder to maintain a workout program you don’t do every day.

Be careful to not repeat the same exercise routine each day. If you do an intense ab workout one day, try switching it up to general cardio the next. You can also squeeze in a day of light walking to break up the intensity.

Advertising

If you’re a morning person, check out these morning exercises that will start your day off right.

2. Duration Doesn’t Substitute for Intensity

Once you get into the habit of regular exercise, where do you go if you still aren’t reaching your goals? Most people will solve the problem by exercising for longer periods of time, turning forty-minute workouts into two hour stretches. Not only does this drain your time, but it doesn’t work particularly well.

One study shows that “exercising for a whole hour instead of a half does not provide any additional loss in either body weight or fat”[1].

This is great news for both your schedule and your levels of motivation. You’ll likely find it much easier to exercise for 30 minutes a day instead of an hour. In those 30 minutes, do your best to up the intensity to your appropriate edge to get the most out of the time.

3. Acknowledge Your Limits

Many people get frustrated when they plateau in their weight loss or muscle gaining goals as they’re learning how to get in shape. Everyone has an equilibrium and genetic set point where their body wants to remain. This doesn’t mean that you can’t achieve your fitness goals, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you are struggling to lose weight or put on muscle.

Advertising

Acknowledging a set point doesn’t mean giving up, but it does mean realizing the obstacles you face.

Expect to hit a plateau in your own fitness results[2]. When you expect a plateau, you can manage around it so you can continue your progress at a more realistic rate. When expectations meet reality, you can avoid dietary crashes.

4. Eat Healthy, Not Just Food That Looks Healthy

Know what you eat. Don’t fuss over minutia like whether you’re getting enough Omega 3’s or tryptophan, but be aware of the big things. Look at the foods you eat regularly and figure out whether they are healthy or not. Don’t get fooled by the deceptively healthy snacks just pretending to be good for you.

The basic nutritional advice includes:

  • Eat unprocessed foods
  • Eat more veggies
  • Use meat as a side dish, not a main course
  • Eat whole grains, not refined grains[3]

Advertising

Eat whole grains when you want to learn how to get in shape.

    5. Watch Out for Travel

    Don’t let a four-day holiday interfere with your attempts when you’re learning how to get in shape. I don’t mean that you need to follow your diet and exercise plan without any excursion, but when you are in the first few weeks, still forming habits, be careful that a week long break doesn’t terminate your progress.

    This is also true of schedule changes that leave you suddenly busy or make it difficult to exercise. Have a backup plan so you can be consistent, at least for the first month when you are forming habits.

    If travel is on your schedule and can’t be avoided, make an exercise plan before you go[4], and make sure to pack exercise clothes and an exercise mat as motivation to keep you on track.

    6. Start Slow

    Ever start an exercise plan by running ten miles and then puking your guts out? Maybe you aren’t that extreme, but burnout is common early on when learning how to get in shape. You have a lifetime to be healthy, so don’t try to go from couch potato to athletic superstar in a week.

    If you are starting a running regime, for example, run less than you can to start. Starting strength training? Work with less weight than you could theoretically lift. Increasing intensity and pushing yourself can come later when your body becomes comfortable with regular exercise.

    Advertising

    7. Be Careful When Choosing a Workout Partner

    Should you have a workout partner? That depends. Workout partners can help you stay motivated and make exercising more fun. But they can also stop you from reaching your goals.

    My suggestion would be to have a workout partner, but when you start to plateau (either in physical ability, weight loss/gain, or overall health) and you haven’t reached your goals, consider mixing things up a bit.

    If you plateau, you may need to make changes to continue improving. In this case it’s important to talk to your workout partner about the changes you want to make, and if they don’t seem motivated to continue, offer a thirty day break where you both try different activities.

    I notice that guys working out together tend to match strength after a brief adjustment phase. Even if both are trying to improve, something seems to stall improvement once they reach a certain point. I found that I was able to lift as much as 30-50% more after taking a short break from my regular workout partner.

    Final Thoughts

    Learning how to get in shape in as little as two weeks sounds daunting, but if you’re motivated and have the time and energy to devote to it, it’s certainly possible.

    Find an exercise routine that works for you, eat healthy, drink lots of water, and watch as the transformation begins.

    More Tips on Getting in Shape

    Featured photo credit: Alexander Redl via unsplash.com

    Reference

    Read Next