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How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women

How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women

Have you ever been with a friend who’s a pretty cool dude and you would never imagine him having trouble meeting women, and suddenly, when he’s out talking to women, he undergoes a metamorphosis from cool to “who the heck is that dude?”

I always asked myself why did he feel the need to act differently when he was a pretty cool guy to begin with. What’s more daunting was the fact that it happened to me as well almost every time I interacted with a girl I liked. The key to overcoming this common sticking point is being nonreactive.

In the case of meeting women, their reactions are what controls your self-image and how your emotional state. Your actions begin to be purely based on getting a good reaction because their reaction to you is the only source that can either enhance or completely obliterate your self image. That’s what clowns do. They’re there to entertain and be the dancing monkey.

The true meaning of “being yourself”

The phrase “be yourself” is essentially the same as being non reactive. Stop reacting to what she says and/or does. There’s nothing at stake!

Do you know the difference between going to an interview because your rent depends on it versus going to an interview and having all the money in the world?

One is nervous and tense because they have something to lose (in your case, your sense of identity) and the other has nothing to lose because he has it all (nonreactive, self-sustaining).

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Take responsibility.

Ask yourself: why do I feel the need for her to like me? What am I lacking that getting her validation will fulfill in me?

If you believe that being with her is going to make you happy, then you’re living in reaction. You’re making women your source of happiness.

Happiness is a fragile thing that should not be delegated to someone or something else, and placing the load of responsibility on a stranger is why most elect to stay at home and do nothing about their love lives. The pain of being rejected is too intense; humans are motivated through wanting to avoid pain and gain pleasure.

As a result, our attention is focused on not wanting to feel a certain way, which in turn, amplifies the same emotions we’re trying to get rid of.

What you resist, persist.

The reason why nervousness, stress, and/or anxiety consumes our conscious attention when we’re approaching or trying to ask a girl out, is because we’re resisting what’s going on in that moment. Resistance is also the exact same reason why you run out of things to say when trying to pick up a girl. Your mind is unable to vibe with another person because its focused on changing something that’s outside of its control.

As a result, your internal battle to want to feel “better” causes you to project a needy vibe and the only solution that social conditioning has taught you is external stimulation, which in this case is a woman’s positive reaction.

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The more you need to feel better about yourself, the more you seek it. It becomes a drug. As soon as you get a text from a potential girl, you’ll instantly pickup the phone and respond. When she flakes on the date, you feel like shit and complain about it with your friends.

This has to stop.

Be the observer behind your reaction.

In my experience, the way to stop being reactive and needy towards women is through facing and embracing the pain.

You must first detach yourself from the emotion and then observe yourself react. That’s right. Almost as though you’re somebody else watching this other person get nervous or anxious. Ideally, I would like you to be extra aware during your interactions with women, because that’s when most guys feel the most nervous.

But if you don’t interact with women as a result of your environment, elect to observe what I call “signs of needs” during your day.

Notice when you feel the need to post something on facebook or instagram in order to get likes so that you can feel good. Or notice whenever you feel the need to respond to a girl as soon as you get that text message or when your anticipating a text from her. Simply observe yourself react.

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Become aware when the reaction rises and descends. Catch it the moment it occurs. Also listen as though you’re listening to a radio station to the inner chatter that accompanies the emotional reaction.

This is what we call “presence.” Rather than “being the reaction,” you’re the presence, the watcher who’s aware of the reaction.

You’re no longer reacting to the woman and needing her; you’re the one who’s at ease in the midst of the storm. You’re the one who isn’t phased by a woman rejecting you because if she does reject you, you don’t fear it because rejection doesn’t affect you. It’s there, but it doesn’t consume your attention.

Be at the cause, not the effect.

How would you feel like if you walked around the streets looking for someone to give 1 million dollars if they had a 5 minute conversation with you? Would you feel anxious, and nervous when approaching a stranger?

Usually, most people feel pretty calm and relaxed when they have something of value to offer the other person. In addition, if you had a conversation with them and there was an awkward silence, most of the time you wouldn’t be the one feeling nervous because you know you have something of value to offer. In this case, the million dollars is you.

Remember, the source of living in reaction is the need for constant stimulation. Constantly seeking positive reaction to enhance our self image, our self esteem. As a result, when you’re meeting women from a place of need, or creativity, you’re coming in with an empty cup. You’re saying, “Hey I need you to fill my cup! Provide value so I can feel good.”

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Instead of doing that, fill your cup, and become the source of positive emotions. Find things you’re passionate about and do things that fill your cup.

Don’t put your eggs all in one basket so that when a woman meets you, you’ll have a life. You’ll have other sources of happiness. She’ll sense your independence and your lack of need. You fill your own cup, and you’re so overflowing in positive that the only thing you have left is to give.

I recommend meditating at least 15 minutes a day, but preferably twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. And learn to observe, almost as though you’re a cat lasered focus on a mouse hole, waiting for the mouse to come out, whenever you feel the emotion of neediness arise and descend. This helps you stay calm, cool and nonreactive. The difference in your behavior and other people’s reaction to you will be subtle but noticeable—most importantly in how you’ll feel and secondly in how women will begin to be drawn to you.

Featured photo credit: Dancing by Vladimir Pustovit via flickr.com

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Last Updated on March 13, 2019

How to Get out of a Rut: 12 Useful Ways to Get Unstuck

How to Get out of a Rut: 12 Useful Ways to Get Unstuck

Have you gotten into a rut before? Or are you in a rut right now?

You know you’re in a rut when you run out of ideas and inspiration. I personally see a rut as a productivity vacuum. It might very well be a reason why you aren’t getting results. Even as you spend more time on your work, you can’t seem to get anything constructive done. While I’m normally productive, I get into occasional ruts (especially when I’ve been working back-to-back without rest). During those times, I can spend an entire day in front of the computer and get nothing done. It can be quite frustrating.

Over time, I have tried and found several methods that are helpful to pull me out of a rut. If you experience ruts too, whether as a working professional, a writer, a blogger, a student or other work, you will find these useful. Here are 12 of my personal tips to get out of ruts:

1. Work on the small tasks.

When you are in a rut, tackle it by starting small. Clear away your smaller tasks which have been piling up. Reply to your emails, organize your documents, declutter your work space, and reply to private messages.

Whenever I finish doing that, I generate a positive momentum which I bring forward to my work.

2. Take a break from your work desk.

Get yourself away from your desk and go take a walk. Go to the washroom, walk around the office, go out and get a snack.

Your mind is too bogged down and needs some airing. Sometimes I get new ideas right after I walk away from my computer.

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3. Upgrade yourself

Take the down time to upgrade yourself. Go to a seminar. Read up on new materials (#7). Pick up a new language. Or any of the 42 ways here to improve yourself.

The modern computer uses different typefaces because Steve Jobs dropped in on a calligraphy class back in college. How’s that for inspiration?

4. Talk to a friend.

Talk to someone and get your mind off work for a while.

Talk about anything, from casual chatting to a deep conversation about something you really care about. You will be surprised at how the short encounter can be rejuvenating in its own way.

5. Forget about trying to be perfect.

If you are in a rut, the last thing you want to do is step on your own toes with perfectionist tendencies.

Just start small. Do what you can, at your own pace. Let yourself make mistakes.

Soon, a little trickle of inspiration will come. And then it’ll build up with more trickles. Before you know it, you have a whole stream of ideas.

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6. Paint a vision to work towards.

If you are continuously getting in a rut with your work, maybe there’s no vision inspiring you to move forward.

Think about why you are doing this, and what you are doing it for. What is the end vision in mind?

Make it as vivid as possible. Make sure it’s a vision that inspires you and use that to trigger you to action.

7. Read a book (or blog).

The things we read are like food to our brain. If you are out of ideas, it’s time to feed your brain with great materials.

Here’s a list of 40 books you can start off with. Stock your browser with only the feeds of high quality blogs, such as Lifehack.org, DumbLittleMan, Seth Godin’s Blog, Tim Ferris’ Blog, Zen Habits or The Personal Excellence Blog.

Check out the best selling books; those are generally packed with great wisdom.

8. Have a quick nap.

If you are at home, take a quick nap for about 20-30 minutes. This clears up your mind and gives you a quick boost. Nothing quite like starting off on a fresh start after catching up on sleep.

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9. Remember why you are doing this.

Sometimes we lose sight of why we do what we do, and after a while we become jaded. A quick refresher on why you even started on this project will help.

What were you thinking when you thought of doing this? Retrace your thoughts back to that moment. Recall why you are doing this. Then reconnect with your muse.

10. Find some competition.

Nothing quite like healthy competition to spur us forward. If you are out of ideas, then check up on what people are doing in your space.

Colleagues at work, competitors in the industry, competitors’ products and websites, networking conventions.. you get the drill.

11. Go exercise.

Since you are not making headway at work, might as well spend the time shaping yourself up.

Sometimes we work so much that we neglect our health and fitness. Go jog, swim, cycle, whichever exercise you prefer.

As you improve your physical health, your mental health will improve, too. The different facets of ourselves are all interlinked.

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Here’re 15 Tips to Restart the Exercise Habit (and How to Keep It).

12. Take a good break.

Ruts are usually signs that you have been working too long and too hard. It’s time to get a break.

Beyond the quick tips above, arrange for a 1-day or 2-days of break from your work. Don’t check your (work) emails or do anything work-related. Relax and do your favorite activities. You will return to your work recharged and ready to start.

Contrary to popular belief, the world will not end from taking a break from your work. In fact, you will be much more ready to make an impact after proper rest. My best ideas and inspiration always hit me whenever I’m away from my work.

Take a look at this to learn the importance of rest: The Importance of Scheduling Downtime

More Resources About Getting out of a Rut

Featured photo credit: Joshua Earle via unsplash.com

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