Have you ever been with a friend who’s a pretty cool dude and you would never imagine him having trouble meeting women, and suddenly, when he’s out talking to women, he undergoes a metamorphosis from cool to “who the heck is that dude?”
I always asked myself why did he feel the need to act differently when he was a pretty cool guy to begin with. What’s more daunting was the fact that it happened to me as well almost every time I interacted with a girl I liked. The key to overcoming this common sticking point is being nonreactive.
In the case of meeting women, their reactions are what controls your self-image and how your emotional state. Your actions begin to be purely based on getting a good reaction because their reaction to you is the only source that can either enhance or completely obliterate your self image. That’s what clowns do. They’re there to entertain and be the dancing monkey.
The true meaning of “being yourself”
The phrase “be yourself” is essentially the same as being non reactive. Stop reacting to what she says and/or does. There’s nothing at stake!
Do you know the difference between going to an interview because your rent depends on it versus going to an interview and having all the money in the world?
One is nervous and tense because they have something to lose (in your case, your sense of identity) and the other has nothing to lose because he has it all (nonreactive, self-sustaining).
Ask yourself: why do I feel the need for her to like me? What am I lacking that getting her validation will fulfill in me?
If you believe that being with her is going to make you happy, then you’re living in reaction. You’re making women your source of happiness.
Happiness is a fragile thing that should not be delegated to someone or something else, and placing the load of responsibility on a stranger is why most elect to stay at home and do nothing about their love lives. The pain of being rejected is too intense; humans are motivated through wanting to avoid pain and gain pleasure.
As a result, our attention is focused on not wanting to feel a certain way, which in turn, amplifies the same emotions we’re trying to get rid of.
What you resist, persist.
The reason why nervousness, stress, and/or anxiety consumes our conscious attention when we’re approaching or trying to ask a girl out, is because we’re resisting what’s going on in that moment. Resistance is also the exact same reason why you run out of things to say when trying to pick up a girl. Your mind is unable to vibe with another person because its focused on changing something that’s outside of its control.
As a result, your internal battle to want to feel “better” causes you to project a needy vibe and the only solution that social conditioning has taught you is external stimulation, which in this case is a woman’s positive reaction.
The more you need to feel better about yourself, the more you seek it. It becomes a drug. As soon as you get a text from a potential girl, you’ll instantly pickup the phone and respond. When she flakes on the date, you feel like shit and complain about it with your friends.
This has to stop.
Be the observer behind your reaction.
In my experience, the way to stop being reactive and needy towards women is through facing and embracing the pain.
You must first detach yourself from the emotion and then observe yourself react. That’s right. Almost as though you’re somebody else watching this other person get nervous or anxious. Ideally, I would like you to be extra aware during your interactions with women, because that’s when most guys feel the most nervous.
But if you don’t interact with women as a result of your environment, elect to observe what I call “signs of needs” during your day.
Notice when you feel the need to post something on facebook or instagram in order to get likes so that you can feel good. Or notice whenever you feel the need to respond to a girl as soon as you get that text message or when your anticipating a text from her. Simply observe yourself react.
Become aware when the reaction rises and descends. Catch it the moment it occurs. Also listen as though you’re listening to a radio station to the inner chatter that accompanies the emotional reaction.
This is what we call “presence.” Rather than “being the reaction,” you’re the presence, the watcher who’s aware of the reaction.
You’re no longer reacting to the woman and needing her; you’re the one who’s at ease in the midst of the storm. You’re the one who isn’t phased by a woman rejecting you because if she does reject you, you don’t fear it because rejection doesn’t affect you. It’s there, but it doesn’t consume your attention.
Be at the cause, not the effect.
How would you feel like if you walked around the streets looking for someone to give 1 million dollars if they had a 5 minute conversation with you? Would you feel anxious, and nervous when approaching a stranger?
Usually, most people feel pretty calm and relaxed when they have something of value to offer the other person. In addition, if you had a conversation with them and there was an awkward silence, most of the time you wouldn’t be the one feeling nervous because you know you have something of value to offer. In this case, the million dollars is you.
Remember, the source of living in reaction is the need for constant stimulation. Constantly seeking positive reaction to enhance our self image, our self esteem. As a result, when you’re meeting women from a place of need, or creativity, you’re coming in with an empty cup. You’re saying, “Hey I need you to fill my cup! Provide value so I can feel good.”
Instead of doing that, fill your cup, and become the source of positive emotions. Find things you’re passionate about and do things that fill your cup.
Don’t put your eggs all in one basket so that when a woman meets you, you’ll have a life. You’ll have other sources of happiness. She’ll sense your independence and your lack of need. You fill your own cup, and you’re so overflowing in positive that the only thing you have left is to give.
I recommend meditating at least 15 minutes a day, but preferably twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. And learn to observe, almost as though you’re a cat lasered focus on a mouse hole, waiting for the mouse to come out, whenever you feel the emotion of neediness arise and descend. This helps you stay calm, cool and nonreactive. The difference in your behavior and other people’s reaction to you will be subtle but noticeable—most importantly in how you’ll feel and secondly in how women will begin to be drawn to you.
Featured photo credit: Dancing by Vladimir Pustovit via flickr.com