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How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women

How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women

Have you ever been with a friend who’s a pretty cool dude and you would never imagine him having trouble meeting women, and suddenly, when he’s out talking to women, he undergoes a metamorphosis from cool to “who the heck is that dude?”

I always asked myself why did he feel the need to act differently when he was a pretty cool guy to begin with. What’s more daunting was the fact that it happened to me as well almost every time I interacted with a girl I liked. The key to overcoming this common sticking point is being nonreactive.

In the case of meeting women, their reactions are what controls your self-image and how your emotional state. Your actions begin to be purely based on getting a good reaction because their reaction to you is the only source that can either enhance or completely obliterate your self image. That’s what clowns do. They’re there to entertain and be the dancing monkey.

The true meaning of “being yourself”

The phrase “be yourself” is essentially the same as being non reactive. Stop reacting to what she says and/or does. There’s nothing at stake!

Do you know the difference between going to an interview because your rent depends on it versus going to an interview and having all the money in the world?

One is nervous and tense because they have something to lose (in your case, your sense of identity) and the other has nothing to lose because he has it all (nonreactive, self-sustaining).

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Take responsibility.

Ask yourself: why do I feel the need for her to like me? What am I lacking that getting her validation will fulfill in me?

If you believe that being with her is going to make you happy, then you’re living in reaction. You’re making women your source of happiness.

Happiness is a fragile thing that should not be delegated to someone or something else, and placing the load of responsibility on a stranger is why most elect to stay at home and do nothing about their love lives. The pain of being rejected is too intense; humans are motivated through wanting to avoid pain and gain pleasure.

As a result, our attention is focused on not wanting to feel a certain way, which in turn, amplifies the same emotions we’re trying to get rid of.

What you resist, persist.

The reason why nervousness, stress, and/or anxiety consumes our conscious attention when we’re approaching or trying to ask a girl out, is because we’re resisting what’s going on in that moment. Resistance is also the exact same reason why you run out of things to say when trying to pick up a girl. Your mind is unable to vibe with another person because its focused on changing something that’s outside of its control.

As a result, your internal battle to want to feel “better” causes you to project a needy vibe and the only solution that social conditioning has taught you is external stimulation, which in this case is a woman’s positive reaction.

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The more you need to feel better about yourself, the more you seek it. It becomes a drug. As soon as you get a text from a potential girl, you’ll instantly pickup the phone and respond. When she flakes on the date, you feel like shit and complain about it with your friends.

This has to stop.

Be the observer behind your reaction.

In my experience, the way to stop being reactive and needy towards women is through facing and embracing the pain.

You must first detach yourself from the emotion and then observe yourself react. That’s right. Almost as though you’re somebody else watching this other person get nervous or anxious. Ideally, I would like you to be extra aware during your interactions with women, because that’s when most guys feel the most nervous.

But if you don’t interact with women as a result of your environment, elect to observe what I call “signs of needs” during your day.

Notice when you feel the need to post something on facebook or instagram in order to get likes so that you can feel good. Or notice whenever you feel the need to respond to a girl as soon as you get that text message or when your anticipating a text from her. Simply observe yourself react.

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Become aware when the reaction rises and descends. Catch it the moment it occurs. Also listen as though you’re listening to a radio station to the inner chatter that accompanies the emotional reaction.

This is what we call “presence.” Rather than “being the reaction,” you’re the presence, the watcher who’s aware of the reaction.

You’re no longer reacting to the woman and needing her; you’re the one who’s at ease in the midst of the storm. You’re the one who isn’t phased by a woman rejecting you because if she does reject you, you don’t fear it because rejection doesn’t affect you. It’s there, but it doesn’t consume your attention.

Be at the cause, not the effect.

How would you feel like if you walked around the streets looking for someone to give 1 million dollars if they had a 5 minute conversation with you? Would you feel anxious, and nervous when approaching a stranger?

Usually, most people feel pretty calm and relaxed when they have something of value to offer the other person. In addition, if you had a conversation with them and there was an awkward silence, most of the time you wouldn’t be the one feeling nervous because you know you have something of value to offer. In this case, the million dollars is you.

Remember, the source of living in reaction is the need for constant stimulation. Constantly seeking positive reaction to enhance our self image, our self esteem. As a result, when you’re meeting women from a place of need, or creativity, you’re coming in with an empty cup. You’re saying, “Hey I need you to fill my cup! Provide value so I can feel good.”

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Instead of doing that, fill your cup, and become the source of positive emotions. Find things you’re passionate about and do things that fill your cup.

Don’t put your eggs all in one basket so that when a woman meets you, you’ll have a life. You’ll have other sources of happiness. She’ll sense your independence and your lack of need. You fill your own cup, and you’re so overflowing in positive that the only thing you have left is to give.

I recommend meditating at least 15 minutes a day, but preferably twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. And learn to observe, almost as though you’re a cat lasered focus on a mouse hole, waiting for the mouse to come out, whenever you feel the emotion of neediness arise and descend. This helps you stay calm, cool and nonreactive. The difference in your behavior and other people’s reaction to you will be subtle but noticeable—most importantly in how you’ll feel and secondly in how women will begin to be drawn to you.

Featured photo credit: Dancing by Vladimir Pustovit via flickr.com

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Last Updated on February 11, 2021

The 20 Most Creative Instagram Accounts That Will Inspire You

The 20 Most Creative Instagram Accounts That Will Inspire You

Instagram allows you to see exactly what inspires people and how creativity is drawn from their everyday life. We use Instagram to capture what makes us smile, what brings joy to our life, and what we are passionate about, and the accounts listed below are sure to inspire you in turn.

Here are our 20 top creative Instagram accounts that you should be following today.

1. Humans Of New York

Brandon Stanton walks the streets of New York City taking street photography, and he gets his subjects to open up about life details that even many family members may not know about them. It makes you smile and connect with the images at a new level.

 2.  Paris in Four Months

Carin Olsson moved to Paris and is documenting every part of her experience, from the macaroons to the Eiffel Tower with all of its shimmering lights. If you want to go to Paris but can’t get there today, Carin will take you.

3. Civilized Caveman Cooking

George Bryant offers up more than his love for cooking Paleo cuisine as he shares more about life, joy, and happiness. His coined hashtag is #hugsandbacon.

4. Andrew Knapp

Andrew has taken the world by storm with his adorable version of Where’s Waldo? His version is Find Momo, and stars his border collie.

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5. Idafrosk

Ida Skivenes has developed a knack for food art. From the world of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to Strawberry Fields Forever, she has recreated it all with food.

6. GrandmaBetty33

Grandma Betty is fighting cancer and is inspiring others to smile and be happy in life. She brings a smile to your face instantly and is like having your grandma right beside you.

7. Maya_on_the_Move

Tania Ahsan captures the world of her cute bulldog, Maya, on her adventures in New York. Maya makes appearances that will make you smile, laugh, and inspire you to go out and create something special.

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8. Leoleoparis

Leo captures the life on the streets of Paris. Most of his work is done in black and white, offering that iconic Parisian look.

9. Jacob Santiago

Jacob Santiago creates stunning, vibrant images around New York City, showcasing the architecture and streets. I’m sure you haven’t seen the streets of NYC like this before.

10. Julie’s Kitchen

Julie Lee showcases how everyday produce can create colorful art designs. At first glance, you think it is just a design; then, a second take illustrates that it is really fruits and vegetables.

11. iloveplaymo

iloveplaymo brings together photography and Playmobil toys in action. The images are up to date with current world events and everyday life.

12. “Red” Hong Yi

Red Hong Yi loves to paint without a paintbrush. Her style uses daily items to create lovely images.

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13. Alexis Diaz

A breathtaking artist from Puerto Rico who loves to paint murals. Alexis’s work is featured all over the world.

14. Murad Osmann

Murad Osmann is a music video producer, but his claim to fame on Instagram has been his photographs with his girlfriend leading him by her hand.

15. Simone Bramate

Simone Bramate is a storyteller who just so happens to take delightful photos as well.

16. Willie Kessel

Willie Kessel brings beach life right to your smartphone. Amazing surf and lifestyle images that take your mind off of all of the work and stress in your life.

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17. Nick Ulivieri

Nick Ulivieri is a talented photographer who loves to capture the windy city of Chicago and skies, especially during storms. His images are gorgeous and make you realize how wonderful life really is.

18. Jo Jerry

Jo Jerry’s landscape photos around Santorini, Greece, make you want to book a flight immediately. The bright colors and simplicity in the images make his photos stand out from the rest.

19. GoPro

GoPro uses fan-sourced images on their account that are all captured with a GoPro. Creativity to the max is used in these images and range from the grocery store to incredible surf.

20. Vin Farrell

Vin Farrell is a creative who works on the agency side for large clients and has a knack for photography. His iPhone captures amazing aerial images around NYC and the world.

Featured photo credit: Andy via flickr.com

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