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How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women

How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women

Have you ever been with a friend who’s a pretty cool dude and you would never imagine him having trouble meeting women, and suddenly, when he’s out talking to women, he undergoes a metamorphosis from cool to “who the heck is that dude?”

I always asked myself why did he feel the need to act differently when he was a pretty cool guy to begin with. What’s more daunting was the fact that it happened to me as well almost every time I interacted with a girl I liked. The key to overcoming this common sticking point is being nonreactive.

In the case of meeting women, their reactions are what controls your self-image and how your emotional state. Your actions begin to be purely based on getting a good reaction because their reaction to you is the only source that can either enhance or completely obliterate your self image. That’s what clowns do. They’re there to entertain and be the dancing monkey.

The true meaning of “being yourself”

The phrase “be yourself” is essentially the same as being non reactive. Stop reacting to what she says and/or does. There’s nothing at stake!

Do you know the difference between going to an interview because your rent depends on it versus going to an interview and having all the money in the world?

One is nervous and tense because they have something to lose (in your case, your sense of identity) and the other has nothing to lose because he has it all (nonreactive, self-sustaining).

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Take responsibility.

Ask yourself: why do I feel the need for her to like me? What am I lacking that getting her validation will fulfill in me?

If you believe that being with her is going to make you happy, then you’re living in reaction. You’re making women your source of happiness.

Happiness is a fragile thing that should not be delegated to someone or something else, and placing the load of responsibility on a stranger is why most elect to stay at home and do nothing about their love lives. The pain of being rejected is too intense; humans are motivated through wanting to avoid pain and gain pleasure.

As a result, our attention is focused on not wanting to feel a certain way, which in turn, amplifies the same emotions we’re trying to get rid of.

What you resist, persist.

The reason why nervousness, stress, and/or anxiety consumes our conscious attention when we’re approaching or trying to ask a girl out, is because we’re resisting what’s going on in that moment. Resistance is also the exact same reason why you run out of things to say when trying to pick up a girl. Your mind is unable to vibe with another person because its focused on changing something that’s outside of its control.

As a result, your internal battle to want to feel “better” causes you to project a needy vibe and the only solution that social conditioning has taught you is external stimulation, which in this case is a woman’s positive reaction.

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The more you need to feel better about yourself, the more you seek it. It becomes a drug. As soon as you get a text from a potential girl, you’ll instantly pickup the phone and respond. When she flakes on the date, you feel like shit and complain about it with your friends.

This has to stop.

Be the observer behind your reaction.

In my experience, the way to stop being reactive and needy towards women is through facing and embracing the pain.

You must first detach yourself from the emotion and then observe yourself react. That’s right. Almost as though you’re somebody else watching this other person get nervous or anxious. Ideally, I would like you to be extra aware during your interactions with women, because that’s when most guys feel the most nervous.

But if you don’t interact with women as a result of your environment, elect to observe what I call “signs of needs” during your day.

Notice when you feel the need to post something on facebook or instagram in order to get likes so that you can feel good. Or notice whenever you feel the need to respond to a girl as soon as you get that text message or when your anticipating a text from her. Simply observe yourself react.

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Become aware when the reaction rises and descends. Catch it the moment it occurs. Also listen as though you’re listening to a radio station to the inner chatter that accompanies the emotional reaction.

This is what we call “presence.” Rather than “being the reaction,” you’re the presence, the watcher who’s aware of the reaction.

You’re no longer reacting to the woman and needing her; you’re the one who’s at ease in the midst of the storm. You’re the one who isn’t phased by a woman rejecting you because if she does reject you, you don’t fear it because rejection doesn’t affect you. It’s there, but it doesn’t consume your attention.

Be at the cause, not the effect.

How would you feel like if you walked around the streets looking for someone to give 1 million dollars if they had a 5 minute conversation with you? Would you feel anxious, and nervous when approaching a stranger?

Usually, most people feel pretty calm and relaxed when they have something of value to offer the other person. In addition, if you had a conversation with them and there was an awkward silence, most of the time you wouldn’t be the one feeling nervous because you know you have something of value to offer. In this case, the million dollars is you.

Remember, the source of living in reaction is the need for constant stimulation. Constantly seeking positive reaction to enhance our self image, our self esteem. As a result, when you’re meeting women from a place of need, or creativity, you’re coming in with an empty cup. You’re saying, “Hey I need you to fill my cup! Provide value so I can feel good.”

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Instead of doing that, fill your cup, and become the source of positive emotions. Find things you’re passionate about and do things that fill your cup.

Don’t put your eggs all in one basket so that when a woman meets you, you’ll have a life. You’ll have other sources of happiness. She’ll sense your independence and your lack of need. You fill your own cup, and you’re so overflowing in positive that the only thing you have left is to give.

I recommend meditating at least 15 minutes a day, but preferably twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. And learn to observe, almost as though you’re a cat lasered focus on a mouse hole, waiting for the mouse to come out, whenever you feel the emotion of neediness arise and descend. This helps you stay calm, cool and nonreactive. The difference in your behavior and other people’s reaction to you will be subtle but noticeable—most importantly in how you’ll feel and secondly in how women will begin to be drawn to you.

Featured photo credit: Dancing by Vladimir Pustovit via flickr.com

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Last Updated on October 16, 2018

The Ultimate Guide to Help You Sleep Through the Night Tonight

The Ultimate Guide to Help You Sleep Through the Night Tonight

It’s well past midnight and you’ve got to get up in less than six hours. You toss and turn all night. Before you know it, another hour passes by and you start panicking.

If I don’t get to sleep in the next 30 minutes, I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow!”

One thing is for sure, you’re not alone. Over 70M+ Americans have stated that they don’t get the proper sleep they need at night.[1] So what could possibly be causing this insomnia epidemic?

Throughout my entrepreneurial journey of building my language learning company, I have experimented and researched dozens of best sleep practices. Some have flopped but a few have dramatically improved the quality of my life and work.

In this article, I’ll look into the reason why you’re sleep deprived and how to sleep through the night tonight.

Why you can’t sleep through the night

The first step to improving anything is getting to the bottom of the root problem. Different studies have shown the reasons why most people cannot sleep well at night.[2] Here are the main ones that the average person faces:

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Stress

If you’ve ever stayed up at night worrying about something, know that it’s a major sleep inhibitor. When you’re feeling stress, your mind and body becomes more activated, making it incredibly difficult to fall asleep. Even when you do manage to sleep, it won’t be deep enough to help you feel rested the next day.

Exposure to blue light before sleep time

We’re exposed to harmful blue light on a daily basis through the use of our digital screens. If you’ve never heard of blue light, it’s part of the visible light spectrum that suppresses melatonin, our sleep hormones. Other harmful effects include digital eye strains and macular cellular damage.

While daytime exposure to blue light is not very harmful, night time exposure tricks our brain into thinking it’s daytime. By keeping your brain alert and suppressing melatonin, your mind is unable to shut down and relax before bedtime.

Eating close to bedtime

Eating too late can actually be an issue for many people, especially those who are older than 40. The reason is, eating before laying down increases the chances of Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), in which stomach acid backflows into the esophagus.

Another reason not to eat too late is sleep quality. Even if you manage to sleep right after eating, it’s likely that you’ll wake up tired. Instead of letting your body rest during sleep, it has to digest the food that was entered before bedtime.

Rule of thumb: eat 3-4 hours before bedtime.

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Medical conditions

In some cases, it could be medical conditions that cause your sleep problems. If you can’t relate yourself to the above reasons or any of these common sleep problem causes, you should visit the doctor.

The vicious sleep cycle

The biggest danger to repeating the bad habits mentioned above is the negative cycle that it can take you through. A bad night’s sleep can affect not only your energy but your willpower and decision making skills.

Here’s an example of a bad sleep pattern:

You get a bad night’s sleep
–> You feel tired and stressful throughout the day.
–> You compensate it with unhealthy habits (for example junk food, skipping exercises, watching Netflix etc.)
–> You can’t sleep well (again) the next night.

    You can imagine what could happen if this cycle repeats over a longer period of time.

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    How to sleep better (throughout the night)

    To help you break the vicious cycle and stop waking up in the middle of the night, I’ll explain to you a list of actionable steps to solve your trouble staying asleep.

    1. Take control over the last 90 minutes of your night

    What you do (or don’t do) before bedtime have significant impact on the quality of your sleep. Many times, it can be the difference between staying up until 4am and sleeping like a baby.

    Here are a few suggestions:

    • Go from light to dark – Darkness stimulates production of the sleep hormone melatonin. Turn off unused light around the house, and think about investing into warm light that you can use in the bedroom before bedtime.
    • Avoid screens (or wear blue light blocking glasses) – Keep the bedroom a technology-free zone as the light from electronic devices can disturb your sleep. If you need to work, wear blue light blocking glasses (also known as computer glasses) throughout or before you sleep to prevent sleep disruption.
    • Find an activity that helps you to wind down  This could be anything that calms you down, and reduces thinking (especially unnecessary stress). Fir example, listening to soothing/good feel music, taking a hot bath, reading or meditating.
    • Keep any electronics you have on the other side of the room or outside the room – One of the most harmful things that can disrupt your sleep is the notifications you get from your smartphones. The simplest way to avoid this is to keep it away from you.
    • Create a bedtime routine – A night routine is a couple of things you do prior to going to bed. By doing these things every night, you’ll have a more restful and high-quality sleep. Learn how to pick up a night routine here: The Ultimate Night Routine Guide to Sleep Better and Wake Up Productive

    2. Eat the right nutrients (and avoid the wrong ones)

    What you eat (not just when we eat) plays a critical role in your sleep quality. If you’re ever in doubt of what to eat to improve your sleep, take the following into consideration:

    • Kiwi – This green fruit may be the ultimate pre-bed snack. When volunteers ate two kiwis an hour before hitting the hay, they slept almost a full extra hour. Kiwis are full of vitamins C and E, serotonin and folate—all of which may help you snooze.
    • Soy foods – Foods made with soy such as tofu, miso and edamame, are rich in isoflavones. These compounds increase the production of serotonin, a brain chemical that influences the body’s sleep-wake cycle.
    • Fiber-rich foods – Eating more fiber could be key for better sleep. Eating fiber was associated with more restorative slow-wave sleep—the more you eat, the better you sleep—per a study published in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine. Fiber prevents blood sugar surges that may lower melatonin. Get a fiber boost from beans, artichokes, bran cereal and quinoa.
    • Salmon – Most fish, especially salmon, halibut and tuna boost vitamin B6, which is needed to make melatonin— a sleep-inducing hormone triggered by darkness.

    3. Adjust your sleep temperature

    Once you’ve gone through the first 2 recommendations, the last step to experiment with is temperature. According to Sleep.org, the ideal temperature for sleep is 60-67 Farenheit. This may be cooler than what most people are used to, but keep in mind that our body temperature changes once we fall asleep.

    Rule of thumb: sleeping in cooler temperature is better for sleep quality than warmer temperature.

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    Find out how to maintain the optimal temperature to sleep better here: How to Sleep Faster with the Best Temperature

    Sleep better form now on

    Congrats on making it to the end of this guide on sleep. If you’re serious about taking the necessary steps in improving your sleep, remember to take it one step at a time.

    I recommend trying just one of the steps mentioned such as taking a hot bath, blocking out blue light at night, or sleeping in cooler temperature. From there, see how it impacts your sleep quality and you can keep doing what works, and throw away what doesn’t.

    As long as you follow these steps cautiously and diligently, I know you’ll see improved results in your sleep!

    Featured photo credit: pixabay via pixabay.com

    Reference

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