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How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women

How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women

Have you ever been with a friend who’s a pretty cool dude and you would never imagine him having trouble meeting women, and suddenly, when he’s out talking to women, he undergoes a metamorphosis from cool to “who the heck is that dude?”

I always asked myself why did he feel the need to act differently when he was a pretty cool guy to begin with. What’s more daunting was the fact that it happened to me as well almost every time I interacted with a girl I liked. The key to overcoming this common sticking point is being nonreactive.

In the case of meeting women, their reactions are what controls your self-image and how your emotional state. Your actions begin to be purely based on getting a good reaction because their reaction to you is the only source that can either enhance or completely obliterate your self image. That’s what clowns do. They’re there to entertain and be the dancing monkey.

The true meaning of “being yourself”

The phrase “be yourself” is essentially the same as being non reactive. Stop reacting to what she says and/or does. There’s nothing at stake!

Do you know the difference between going to an interview because your rent depends on it versus going to an interview and having all the money in the world?

One is nervous and tense because they have something to lose (in your case, your sense of identity) and the other has nothing to lose because he has it all (nonreactive, self-sustaining).

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Take responsibility.

Ask yourself: why do I feel the need for her to like me? What am I lacking that getting her validation will fulfill in me?

If you believe that being with her is going to make you happy, then you’re living in reaction. You’re making women your source of happiness.

Happiness is a fragile thing that should not be delegated to someone or something else, and placing the load of responsibility on a stranger is why most elect to stay at home and do nothing about their love lives. The pain of being rejected is too intense; humans are motivated through wanting to avoid pain and gain pleasure.

As a result, our attention is focused on not wanting to feel a certain way, which in turn, amplifies the same emotions we’re trying to get rid of.

What you resist, persist.

The reason why nervousness, stress, and/or anxiety consumes our conscious attention when we’re approaching or trying to ask a girl out, is because we’re resisting what’s going on in that moment. Resistance is also the exact same reason why you run out of things to say when trying to pick up a girl. Your mind is unable to vibe with another person because its focused on changing something that’s outside of its control.

As a result, your internal battle to want to feel “better” causes you to project a needy vibe and the only solution that social conditioning has taught you is external stimulation, which in this case is a woman’s positive reaction.

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The more you need to feel better about yourself, the more you seek it. It becomes a drug. As soon as you get a text from a potential girl, you’ll instantly pickup the phone and respond. When she flakes on the date, you feel like shit and complain about it with your friends.

This has to stop.

Be the observer behind your reaction.

In my experience, the way to stop being reactive and needy towards women is through facing and embracing the pain.

You must first detach yourself from the emotion and then observe yourself react. That’s right. Almost as though you’re somebody else watching this other person get nervous or anxious. Ideally, I would like you to be extra aware during your interactions with women, because that’s when most guys feel the most nervous.

But if you don’t interact with women as a result of your environment, elect to observe what I call “signs of needs” during your day.

Notice when you feel the need to post something on facebook or instagram in order to get likes so that you can feel good. Or notice whenever you feel the need to respond to a girl as soon as you get that text message or when your anticipating a text from her. Simply observe yourself react.

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Become aware when the reaction rises and descends. Catch it the moment it occurs. Also listen as though you’re listening to a radio station to the inner chatter that accompanies the emotional reaction.

This is what we call “presence.” Rather than “being the reaction,” you’re the presence, the watcher who’s aware of the reaction.

You’re no longer reacting to the woman and needing her; you’re the one who’s at ease in the midst of the storm. You’re the one who isn’t phased by a woman rejecting you because if she does reject you, you don’t fear it because rejection doesn’t affect you. It’s there, but it doesn’t consume your attention.

Be at the cause, not the effect.

How would you feel like if you walked around the streets looking for someone to give 1 million dollars if they had a 5 minute conversation with you? Would you feel anxious, and nervous when approaching a stranger?

Usually, most people feel pretty calm and relaxed when they have something of value to offer the other person. In addition, if you had a conversation with them and there was an awkward silence, most of the time you wouldn’t be the one feeling nervous because you know you have something of value to offer. In this case, the million dollars is you.

Remember, the source of living in reaction is the need for constant stimulation. Constantly seeking positive reaction to enhance our self image, our self esteem. As a result, when you’re meeting women from a place of need, or creativity, you’re coming in with an empty cup. You’re saying, “Hey I need you to fill my cup! Provide value so I can feel good.”

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Instead of doing that, fill your cup, and become the source of positive emotions. Find things you’re passionate about and do things that fill your cup.

Don’t put your eggs all in one basket so that when a woman meets you, you’ll have a life. You’ll have other sources of happiness. She’ll sense your independence and your lack of need. You fill your own cup, and you’re so overflowing in positive that the only thing you have left is to give.

I recommend meditating at least 15 minutes a day, but preferably twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. And learn to observe, almost as though you’re a cat lasered focus on a mouse hole, waiting for the mouse to come out, whenever you feel the emotion of neediness arise and descend. This helps you stay calm, cool and nonreactive. The difference in your behavior and other people’s reaction to you will be subtle but noticeable—most importantly in how you’ll feel and secondly in how women will begin to be drawn to you.

Featured photo credit: Dancing by Vladimir Pustovit via flickr.com

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Last Updated on August 20, 2019

How to Control Your Thoughts and Be the Master of Your Mind

How to Control Your Thoughts and Be the Master of Your Mind

Your mind is the most powerful tool you have for the creation of good in your life, but if not used correctly, can also be the most destructive force in your life.

Your mind, more specifically, your thoughts, affect your perception and therefore, your interpretation of reality. (And here’s Why Your Perception Is Your Reality.)

I have heard that the average person thinks around 70,000 thoughts a day. That’s a lot, especially if they are unproductive, self-abusive and just a general waste of energy.

You can let your thoughts run amok, but why would you? It is your mind, your thoughts; isn’t it time to take your power back? Isn’t it time to take control?

Choose to be the person who is actively, consciously thinking your thoughts. Become the master of your mind.

When you change your thoughts, you will change your feelings as well, and you will also eliminate the triggers that set off those feelings. Both of these outcomes provide you with a greater level of peace in your mind.

I currently have few thoughts that are not of my own choosing or a response from my reprogramming. I am the master of my mind, so now my mind is quite peaceful. Yours can be too!

Who Is Thinking My Thoughts?

Before you can become the master of your mind, you must recognize that you are currently at the mercy of several unwanted “squatters” living in your mind, and they are in charge of your thoughts. If you want to be the boss of them, you must know who they are and what their motivation is, and then you can take charge and evict them.

Here are four of the “squatters” in your head that create the most unhealthy and unproductive thoughts:

1. The Inner Critic

This is your constant abuser who is often a conglomeration of:

  • Other people’s words; many times your parents.
  • Thoughts you have created based on your own or other peoples expectations.
  • Comparing yourself to other people, including those in the media.
  • The things you told yourself as a result of painful experiences such as betrayal and rejection. Your interpretation creates your self-doubt and self-blame, which are most likely undeserved in cases of rejection and betrayal.

The Inner Critic is motivated by pain, low self-esteem, lack of self-acceptance and lack of self-love.

Why else would this person abuse you? And since this person is actually you– why else would you abuse yourself? Why would you let anyone treat you this badly?

2. The Worrier

This person lives in the future; in the world of “what ifs.”

The Worrier is motivated by fear which is often irrational and with no basis for it. Occasionally, this person is motivated by fear that what happened in the past will happen again.

3. The Reactor or Trouble-Maker

This is the one that triggers anger, frustration and pain. These triggers stem from unhealed wounds of the past. Any experience that is even closely related to a past wound will set him off.

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This person can be set off by words or feelings, and can even be set off by sounds and smells.

The Reactor has no real motivation and has poor impulse control and is run by past programming that no longer serves you, if it ever did.

4. The Sleep Depriver

This can be a combination of any number of different squatters including the inner planner, the rehasher, and the ruminator, along with the inner critic and the worrier.

The Sleep Depriver’s motivation can be:

  • As a reaction to silence, which he fights against
  • Taking care of the business you neglected during the day
  • Self-doubt, low self-esteem, insecurity and generalized anxiety
  • As listed above for the inner critic and worrier

How can you control these squatters?

How to Master Your Mind

You are the thinker and the observer of your thoughts. You must pay attention to your thoughts so you can identify “who” is running the show; this will determine which technique you will want to use.

Begin each day with the intention of paying attention to your thoughts and catching yourself when you are thinking undesirable thoughts.

There are two ways to control your thoughts:

  • Technique A – Interrupt and replace them
  • Technique B – Eliminate them altogether

This second option is what is known as peace of mind!

The technique of interrupting and replacing is a means of reprogramming your subconscious mind. Eventually, the replacement thoughts will become the “go to” thoughts in the applicable situations.

Use Technique A with the Inner Critic and Worrier; and Technique B with the Reactor and Sleep Depriver.

For the Inner Critic

When you catch yourself thinking something negative about yourself (calling yourself names, disrespecting yourself, or berating yourself), interrupt it.

You can yell (in your mind), “Stop! No!” or, “Enough! I’m in control now.” Then, whatever your negative thought was about yourself, replace it with an opposite or counter thought or an affirmation that begins with “I am.”

For example, if your thought is, “I’m such a loser,” you can replace it with, “I am a Divine Creation of the Universal Spirit. I am a perfect spiritual being learning to master the human experience. I am a being of energy, light, and matter. I am magnificent, brilliant, and beautiful. I love and approve of myself just as I am.”

You can also have a dialogue with yourself with the intention of discrediting the ‘voice’ that created the thought, if you know whose voice it is:

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“Just because so-and-so said I was a loser doesn’t make it true. It was his or her opinion, not a statement of fact. Or maybe they were joking and I took it seriously because I’m insecure.”

If you recognize that you have recurring self-critical thoughts, you can write out or pre-plan your counter thoughts or affirmation so you can be ready. This is the first squatter you should evict, forcefully, if necessary:

  • They rile up the Worrier.
  • The names you call yourself become triggers when called those names by others, so he also maintains the presence of the Reactor.
  • They are often present when you try to fall asleep so he perpetuates the Sleep Depriver.
  • They are a bully and is verbally and emotionally abusive.
  • They are the destroyer of self-esteem. They convince you that you’re not worthy. They’re a liar! In the interest of your self-worth, get them out!

Eliminate your worst critic and you will also diminish the presence of the other three squatters.

Replace them with your new best friends who support, encourage, and enhance your life. This is a presence you want in your mind.

For the Worrier

Prolonged anxiety is mentally, emotionally and physically unhealthy. It can have long-term health implications.

Fear initiates the fight or flight response, creates worry in the mind and creates anxiety in the body.

You should be able to recognize a “worry thought” immediately by how you feel. The physiological signs that the fight or flight response of fear has kicked in are:

  • Increased heart rate, blood pressure, or surge of adrenaline
  • Shallow breathing or breathlessness
  • Muscles tense

Use the above stated method to interrupt any thought of worry and then replace it. But this time you will replace your thoughts of worry with thoughts of gratitude for the outcome you wish for.

If you believe in a higher power, this is the time to engage with it. Here is an example:

Instead of worrying about my loved ones traveling in bad weather, I say the following (I call it a prayer):

“Thank you great spirit for watching over _______. Thank you for watching over his/her car and keeping it safe, road-worthy, and free of maintenance issues without warning. Thank you for surrounding him/her with only safe, conscientious, and alert drivers. And thank you for keeping him/her safe, conscientious, and alert.”

Smile when you think about it or say it aloud, and phrase it in the present tense; both of these will help you feel it and possibly even start to believe it.

If you can visualize what you are praying for, the visualization will enhance the feeling so you will increase the impact in your vibrational field.

Now take a calming breath, slowly in through your nose, and slowly out through the mouth. Take as many as you like!

Replacing fearful thoughts with gratitude will decrease reactionary behavior, taking the steam out of the Reactor.

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For example:

If your child gets lost in the mall, the typical parental reaction that follows the fearful thoughts when finding them is to yell at them.

“I told you never to leave my sight.” This reaction just adds to the child’s fear level from being lost in the first place. Plus, it also teaches them that mom and/or dad will get mad when he or she makes a mistake, which may make them lie to you or not tell you things in the future.

Change those fearful thoughts when they happen:

“Thank You (your choice of Higher Power) for watching over my child and keeping him safe. Thank you for helping me find him soon.”

Then, when you see your child after this thought process, your only reaction will be gratitude, and that seems like a better alternative for all people involved.

For the Trouble-Maker, Reactor or Over-Reactor

Permanently eliminating this squatter will take a bit more attention and reflection after the fact to identify and heal the causes of the triggers; but until then, you can prevent the Reactor from getting out of control by initiating conscious breathing as soon as you recognize his presence.

The Reactor’s thoughts or feelings activate the fight or flight response just like with the Worrier. The physiological signs of his presence will be the same. With a little attention, you should be able to tell the difference between anxiety, anger, frustration, or pain:

  • Increased heart rate and blood pressure; surge of adrenaline
  • Shallow breathing or breathlessness
  • Muscles tension

I’m sure you’ve heard the suggestion to count to ten when you get angry—well, you can make those ten seconds much more productive if you are breathing consciously during that time.

Conscious breathing is as simple as it sounds; just be conscious of your breathing. Pay attention to the air going in and coming out.

Breathe in through your nose:

  • Feel the air entering your nostrils.
  • Feel your lungs filling and expanding.
  • Focus on your belly rising.

Breathe out through your nose:

  • Feel your lungs emptying.
  • Focus on your belly falling.
  • Feel the air exiting your nostrils.

Do this for as long as you like. Leave the situation if you want. This gives the adrenaline time to normalize.

Now you can address the situation with a calmer, more rational perspective and avoid damaging behavior.

One of the troubles this squatter causes is that it adds to the sleep depriver’s issues. By evicting, or at least controlling the Reactor, you will decrease reactionary behavior, which will decrease the need for the rehashing and ruminating that may keep you from falling asleep.

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Master your mind and stop the Reactor from bringing stress to you and your relationships!

For the Sleep Depriver

(They’re made up of the Inner Planner, the Rehasher and the Ruminator, along with the Inner Critic and the Worrier.)

I was plagued with a very common problem: not being able to turn off my mind at bedtime. This inability prevented me from falling asleep and thus, getting a restful and restorative night’s sleep.

Here’s how I mastered my mind and evicted the Sleep Depriver and all his cronies.

  1. I started by focusing on my breathing—paying attention to the rise and fall of my belly—but that didn’t keep the thoughts out for long. (Actually, I now start with checking my at-rest mouth position to keep me from clenching.)
  2. Then I came up with replacement strategy that eliminated uncontrolled thinking—imagining the word in while breathing in and thinking the word out when breathing out. I would (and do) elongate the word to match the length of my breath.

When I catch myself thinking, I shift back to in, out. With this technique, I am still thinking, sort of, but the wheels are no longer spinning out of control. I am in control of my mind and I choose quiet.

From the first time I tried this method I started to yawn after only a few cycles and am usually asleep within ten minutes.

For really difficult nights, I add an increase of attention by holding my eyes in a looking-up position (Closed, of course!). Sometimes I try to look toward my third eye but that really hurts my eyes.

If you have trouble falling asleep because you can’t shut off your mind, I strongly recommend you try this technique. I still use it every night. You can start sleeping better tonight!

You can also use this technique any time you want to:

  • Fall back to sleep if you wake up too soon.
  • Shut down your thinking.
  • Calm your feelings.
  • Simply focus on the present moment. 

The Bottom Line

Your mind is a tool, and like any other tool, it can be used for constructive purposes or for destructive purposes.

You can allow your mind to be occupied by unwanted, undesirable and destructive tenants, or you can choose desirable tenants like peace, gratitude, compassion, love, and joy.

Your mind can become your best friend, your biggest supporter, and someone you can count on to be there and encourage you. The choice is yours!

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Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

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