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Why New Year’s Resolutions Make You Unhappy

Why New Year’s Resolutions Make You Unhappy

The Brain Science Behind Why Long Lists Don’t Work

So, you have 10 New Year’s resolutions? This year for sure you will: lose weight, quit smoking, jog daily, or meditate.  According to British psychologist Richard Wiseman, 88% of all resolutions end in failure, no matter how many years they are repeatedly tried.  Now, neuroscience is telling us why New Year’s resolutions don’t work. It turns out the longer the list, the more likely you are to fail.

But just why are our old habits so hard to break?

The Science of Resolutions

The brain area largely responsible for willpower is the prefrontal cortex (located just behind the forehead). This area of the brain is also in charge of keeping us focused, handling short-term memory and solving abstract problems.

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An experiment at Stanford by Dr. Baba Shiv revealed that if you load down this decision making part of the brain with extra tasks, it becomes fatigued. When it is tired or overloaded, is more likely to give in to temptation. Like any muscle, you can only ask it to do so much. So, the take home message is: Keep it short, and don’t overpromise.

Rewards or Punishment?

The brain contains an area referred to as the reward system.  This area is the brain’s most primitive motivational system, one that evolved to propel us toward action and consumption.

How does the reward system compel us to act?  When the brain recognizes an opportunity for reward, it releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine.  Dopamine tells the rest of the brain what to pay attention to.  A dopamine rush doesn’t create happiness itself, but rather the feeling of arousal.  For more on this topic read Josh Freedman’s blog at Six Seconds, the Emotional Intelligence Network.

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Does all this mean we can’t break ANY bad habits? No. We just can’t break them all at once. The idea of willpower is that we can force ourselves to change. This is forgetting one key ingredient to changing our behavior: self-awareness. Until we recognize our patterns and what role our habits play in our lives, we can’t change them. Emotional intelligence, or being smart with emotions, begins with self-knowledge. Here are some EQ (emotional quotient) ways to learn more about what drives you to engage in activities that may not be good for you.

Here are two ways to succeed in changing to more positive behaviors:

Pare your list down…

…to one or two things that really make you happy: for example, rather than “I will jog 10 miles a day” (and you hate jogging 1 mile), list, “I will walk with a friend tomorrow evening and talk about our plans for our trip to Hawaii.”

Focus on one area of your life you could improve:

How do I feel about the various domains of my life (e.g., work, family, community, spirit)?

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Feelings, of course, provide outstanding data for this reflection.

Where I feel anxious, stressed, worried… perhaps I’m missing some crucial link.

Where I feel sad, lonely, or disconnected, perhaps I can re-invest.

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Where I feel excited, hopeful, energized, perhaps I can find a clear next step.

Focus is about choosing where to commit that most precious resource: time.  To focus is to let go of lesser priorities.  To say “no” so you can more fully say “yes.”

Instead of a specific “resolution,” what’s one area of your life or work you’d like to put in focus.  One value you’d like to strengthen?

If the goal is to lead a life well lived, perhaps being happy all the time is not the goal, but to live an examined, conscious life that would make our families proud of us. Here’s to a happy, stress-free new year!

Featured photo credit: Running, outdoor, fit/BillionPhotos.com via media.lifehack.org

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Last Updated on September 17, 2018

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

Relationships are complicated and when you’re unhappy, it can be difficult to tell what’s causing it and what needs to change.

Sometimes it’s as easy as opening up to your partner about your problems, while other times it may be necessary to switch partners or roll solo to get your mind straight.

When you’re in the thick of things, it can be difficult to tell if you’re unhappy in your relationship or just unhappy in general (in which case, a relationship may be just the cure you need).

Here’re signs of an unhappy relationship that is possibly making you feel stuck:

1. You’re depressed about your home life.

No matter what you do in life, you’re going to have good and bad days. Your relationship is no different.

However, no matter what you’re going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home.

If you constantly dread going home because your significant other is there, there’s a problem. Maybe it’s something you already know about, everyone has an argument or just needs some alone time.

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When that yearning to be alone becomes an insatiable obsession over the course of months and years, it’s time to realize you’re not the exception to the rule.

You’re unhappy in your relationship, and you need to take a look in the mirror and do whatever it takes to make yourself smile.

2. You aren’t comfortable being yourself.

Remember all those things you discovered about yourself when you first got together? The way your partner made you feel when you met that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place.

If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. If your partner makes you uncomfortable about being you, then her or she is only dragging you down. It’s up to you to decide how to handle that.

You need to be comfortable with who you are. This means being comfortable in your skin and with the way you walk, talk, look, breath, move, and all the other things that make you uniquely you.

If the person who supposedly loves you doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, know that you can do better. They’re not even one in a billion.

3. You can’t stop snooping.

Mutual trust is necessary in any relationship. The only way to get that trust is with respect.

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I can find you anywhere online, no matter how private and secure you think you are. The odds of you having a password I can’t crack are slim. If we’ve met in person, I could install a remote key logger on your device without even touching it.

Finding your information online hardly takes a clandestine organization. Any idiot with a Wi-Fi-enabled device can cyberstalk you. I’m just the only idiot in the village admitting it.

So now that we know everyone snoops, it’s time to address your personal habits. Governments snoop because they don’t trust us. If you’re snooping on your partner, it’s because you don’t trust them.

It’s ok to have doubts, and it’s perfectly normal to look into anything that looks weird, but keep in mind that data collection is only half of an investigation.

If you find yourself constantly snooping and questioning everything, clearly there’s a trust issue and the relationship likely needs to end.

4. You’re afraid of commitment.

If you’ve been dating longer than a year and you aren’t engaged, it’s never going to happen.

Commitment is important. People will come up with a million ways to describe why they can’t be committed.

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No matter who you are if you like it, you need to put a ring on it. Find an engagement ring, stick a gemstone in it and marry the person. If you’re not legally able to get married or you don’t believe in it for one reason or another, have a child (or adopt one, however you’re able to) or treat your partner’s family like your own. It’s a huge financial and mental commitment.

If you’re not ready for one or the other after some time, don’t waste anymore of your precious life on the relationship.

Your relationship should be something that propels you forward. If it’s not going anywhere, make it an open relationship and call it what it is—dating multiple people.

5. You imagine a happier life without your partner.

If all you’re doing is imagining a happier life without your partner, it’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. You’re unhappy and you need to get out.

Your partner should be included in your dreams. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a future with someone.

Try to remember what you dreamed of before you got your heart broken by the realities of life, love and the pursuit of human success.

Remember when you would crush on that cute kid in class? You would secretly imagine marrying him or her and going on an adventure—that’s the way life should be.

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If you’re not at least imagining adventures together, then why are you in that relationship?

6. You resent, rather than love your partner.

When a relationship starts to crumble, you begin to resent your partner for all the things you once loved about him or her.

When you’ve reached this point, your partner has reached at least No. 2 on this list. From your partner’s perspective, your unhappiness with them is picked up as bashing them for being who they are.

If you’re both unhappy in the relationship, it’s better if it ends as quickly and painlessly as possible.

7. You chase past feelings.

It’s okay to reminisce about the past, but if all you do is wish things were like they used to be, it’s a sign you’re not on the right path.

You’re unhappy and, at the very least, you need to have an open dialogue about it. This isn’t necessarily a sign that the relationship should end, but it definitely needs a spark.

When you talk to your partner candidly about what it is you’re looking for, you never know how they’ll react. The risk alone is worth it, good or bad.

Final thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck in your current relationship, it’s time to reflect about it with your partner. Don’t ignore these signs of an unhappy relationship as they will slowly go worse and harm both you and your partner in long-term.

Featured photo credit: josh peterson via unsplash.com

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