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What Is Attachment Parenting?

What Is Attachment Parenting?

What Is Attachment Parenting?

You may have already heard of attachment parenting and wondered what it is. Well, we have the answers. It is an approach to parenting that is concerned with the nurturing bond that develops between parent and child.

A very well known pediatrician, William Sears MD, argues that children who are raised with this method will grow up to be secure and independent adults who are capable of forming strong bonds in future relationships.

You may be still wondering what is attachment parenting exactly, and what it involves. Well, let’s take a look.

The 8 Principles of Attachment Parenting

1. Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting

Advocates of attachment parenting believe that mothers should not be exposed to negative messages about pregnancy, childbirth, or parenting itself. They say that this prepares the parent for the emotional demands of being a parent.

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2. Loving and Respectful Feeding

Supporters of attachment parenting believe that breastfeeding is the best way to form an attachment between mother and child. They feel it also sends a message to the baby that the mother is attentive to their needs.

3. Responding Sensitively

In attachment parenting, parents consider expressions of emotion as attempts at communication. This includes tantrums. They feel it’s best to listen and try to interpret what your child is really saying when they act out.

4. Nurturing Touch

Proponents of attachment parenting talk about the importance of skin-to-skin touching. They encourage joint baths with your child and the use of a front carrier sling to keep your baby close. This increases the development of a strong bond between parent and child.

5. Night-Time Parenting

When it comes to bed-time the attachment parenting approach recommends parents make arrangements for what’s known as “co-sleeping”. This is where the child sleeps in the same room as the parent, making night feeding and comforting easier. Some parents take this a step further and bring their children to bed with them. However, this is considered dangerous by the Academy of Pediatrics, as it could cause Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (or SIDS).

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6. Constant Care

It is advised that parents remain present with their child at all times when they are very young. In fact, they advise that children of thirty months or younger should only receive childcare for twenty hours per week.

7. Positive Discipline

This group says its better to distract, redirect, and guide all children, even the youngest ones. Attachment parenting is all about getting to the root of the problem. It’s focused on what your child is trying to communicate when they act in negative ways. Instead of spanking or forcing your will on a child, this approach simply encourages finding a solution to the problem with your child.

8. Balance In Life

Supporters of attachment parenting express the importance of finding balance in your personal and family life. Parents are encouraged to find support in order to prevent burning out.

These are the principles of this approach to parenting, if that doesn’t answer your question of “what is attachment parenting” maybe if we dig a little deeper we can find out more.

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The Roots of Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting outlines the importance of the “attachment figure” in a child’s life (the mother, father, or guardian). They feel that a very strong bond is necessary between the baby and its parents or the child will grow up with many problems. They see insecurity, lack of empathy, even anger, and attachment disorders as being experienced by those who are not raised with this important bond.

Some people feel that this is a bit harsh and unfounded. There has been much criticism of attachment parenting.

Criticism of Attachment Parenting

Many people feel that while it is a good thing to form secure attachments with your child, this approach takes things a little too far. Here’s what they have to say.

1. Bed Sharing Isn’t Safe

While we all love to have a cuddle with our babies in bed, it is felt that it would be safer not to allow babies to stay in the bed all night. The attachment parenting group (API) addresses such concerns with special rules for night-time sleeping.

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2. The Nature of Attachment

Research has found that there are many factors which determine an individual’s ability to form attachments beyond their childhood experiences. For example: peer pressure, relationships at school, dating, and marriage.

3. Changes in Modern Times

Attachment theory first came about in the 1950s before the introduction of childcare facilities. Critics of attachment theory want to draw attention to this and have attachment theorists acknowledge this fact.

4. Discipline Approach is Questionable

Many feel that there is a risk that if parents are to be so attentive to their child’s every need they will soon become burned out or worse their children will begin to bully them.

5. Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Proponents of Attachment Disorder claim that without this close attachment, kids are at risk of growing up and developing a psychiatric condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder (or RAD). However, critics have bitten back, saying that this disorder is reserved for those who are severely abandoned, like those growing up in orphanages, for example.

Conclusion

Now that you’re fully informed on the ins-and-outs of this type of parenting, you can judge for yourself if it is for you and your family. I know some people who have had a great deal of success with this form of parenting, but it just never came together for me.

While I would agree that it’s a good idea to listen to your kids and see what it is they are trying to say when they act out, I believe that boundaries and rules are also very important for the security of our kids. When all is said and done, it is a matter for the individual parent to decide for themselves what approach is right for them.

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Published on December 14, 2018

14 Helpful Tips for Single Parents: How to Stay Sane While Doing it All

14 Helpful Tips for Single Parents: How to Stay Sane While Doing it All

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, over 27% of children under the age of 18 are living with a single parent.[1] That’s over 1/4th of the U.S. population.There is a common misconception that children who grow up in single parent homes are not as successful as children living in two-parent homes.

One crucial detail that was often left out of studies when comparing single and two-parent homes was the stability of the household. There is a correlation between family structure and family stability, but this study shows that children who grow up in stable single-parent homes do as well as those in married households in terms of academic abilities and behavior.

But providing stability is easier said than done. With only one adult to act as a parent, some tasks are inherently more challenging. However, there are a few helpful things you can do to make the parenting journey a little easier for yourself and stay sane while doing it.

1. Don’t Neglect Self-Care

Before anything else can be done, you must be caring for your own needs adequately. Only when you are feeling well-rested and healthy can you be at your best for your children.

Many parents tend to put their kids’ needs first and their owns last, but that will result in a never-ending cycle of exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy. Make time to eat regularly and healthfully, get plenty of rest, and squeeze in exercise whenever you can. Even a short walk around the neighborhood will help your body get much-needed movement and fresh air.

Your children depend on you, and it’s up to you to make sure that you are well-equipped and ready to take on that responsibility.

2. Join Forces with Other Single Parents

At times, it may seem like you’re the only person who knows what it’s like to be a single parent. However, the statistics say that there are many others who know exactly what you’re going through.

Find single parents locally, through your kid’s school, extracurricular activities, or even an app. There are also numerous online communities that can offer support and advice, through Facebook or sites like Single Mom Nation.

Although single moms make up the majority of single parents, there are more than 2.6 million single dads in the U.S. A great way to connect is through Meetup. Other single parents will more than happy to arrange babysitting swaps, playdates, and carpools.

Join forces in order to form mutually beneficial relationships.

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3. Build a Community

In addition to finding support with other single parents, also build a community comprised of families of all different types. Rather than focus solely on the single parent aspect of your identity, look for parents and kids who share other things in common.

Join a playgroup, get plugged in at a church, or get to know the parents of the kids involved in the same extracurricular activities. Having a community of a variety of people and families will bring diversity and excitement into your and your kids’ lives.

4. Accept Help

Don’t try to be a superhero and do it all yourself. There are probably people in your life who care about you and your kids and want to help you. Let them know what types of things would be most appreciated, whether it’s bringing meals once a week, helping with rides to school, or giving you time to yourself.

There is no shame in asking for help and accepting assistance from loved ones. You will not be perceived as weak or incompetent. You are being a good parent by being resourceful and allowing others to give you a much-needed break.

5. Get Creative with Childcare

Raising a child on a single income is a challenge, with the high cost of daycares, nannies, and other conventional childcare services. More affordable options are possible if you go a less traditional route.

If you have space and live in a college town, offer a college student housing in exchange for regular childcare. Or swap kids with other single parents so that your kids have friends to play with while the parents get time to themselves.

When I was younger, my parents had a group of five family friends, and all of the children would rotate to a different house each day of the week, during the summer months. The kids would have a great time playing with each other, and the parents’ job becomes a lot easier. That’s what you would call a win-win situation.

6. Plan Ahead for Emergencies

As a single parent, a backup plan or two is a must in emergency situations. Make a list of people you know you can call in a moment’s notice. There will be times in which you need help, and it’s important to know ahead of time who you can rely on.

Look into whether or not your area offers emergency babysitting services or a drop-in daycare. Knowing who will be able to care for your child in the event of an emergency can relieve one potential source of anxiety in stressful situations.

7. Create a Routine

Routines are crucial for young children because knowing what to expect gives them a semblance of control. This is even more important when in a single parent home.

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If the child travels between homes or has multiple caretakers, life can seem extremely chaotic and unpredictable. Establish a routine and schedule for your child as much as possible. This can include bedtime, before/after school, chores, meal times, and even a weekend routine.

Having a routine does not mean things cannot change. It is merely a default schedule to fall back on when no additional events or activities are going on. When your children know what to expect, they will be less resistant because they know what to expect, and days will run much more smoothly.

8. Be Consistent with Rules and Discipline

If your child has multiple caretakers, such as another parent, grandparent, or babysitter, communicate clearly on how discipline will be handled. Talk to your ex, if you are sharing custody, as well as any other caretakers about the rules and the agreed-upon approach to discipline.

When a child realizes that certain rules can be bent with certain people, he/she will use it to their advantage, causing additional issues with limits, behavior, and discipline down the road.

This article may help you to discipline your child better:

How to Discipline a Child (The Complete Guide for Different Ages)

9. Stay Positive

Everyone has heard the saying, “Mind over matter.” But there really is so much power behind your mentality. It can change your perspective and make a difficult situation so much better.

Your kids will be able to detect even the smallest shift in your attitude. When the responsibilities of motherhood are overwhelming, stay focused on the positive things in your life, such as your friends and family. This will produce a much more stable home environment.

Maintain your sense of humor and don’t be afraid to be silly. Look towards the future and the great things that are still to come for you and your family. Rediscover and redefine your family values.

10. Move Past the Guilt

In a single parent home, it is impossible to act as both parents, regardless of how hard you try. Let go of the things that you cannot do as a single parent, and instead, think of the great things you ARE able to provide for your children.

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Leave behind the notion that life would be easier or better with two parents. This is simply not true. There is a multitude of pros and cons to all family dynamics, and the one you are providing for your kids now is the one that they need.

Don’t get bogged down by guilt or regret. Take control of your life and be the best parent you can by being present and engaged with them on a daily basis.

11. Answer Questions Honestly

Your kids may have questions about why their home situation is different from many of their friends. When asked, don’t sugarcoat the situation or give them an answer that is not accurate.

Depending on their age, take this opportunity to explain the truth of what happened and how the current circumstances came about. Not all families have two parents, whether that is due to divorce, death, or whatever else life brings.

Don’t give more detail than necessary or talk badly about the other parent. But strive to be truthful and honest. Your children will benefit more from your candor than a made-up story.

12. Treat Kids Like Kids

In the absence of a partner, it can be tempting to rely on your children for comfort, companionship, or sympathy. But your kids are not equipped to play this role for you.

There are many details within an adult relationship that children are not able to understand or process, and it will only cause confusion and resentment.

Do not take out your anger on your kids. Separate your emotional needs from your role as a mother. If you find yourself depending on your kids too much, look for adult friends or family members that you can talk to about your issues.

13. Find Role Models

Find positive role models of the opposite sex for your child. It’s crucial that your child does not form negative associations with an entire gender of people.

Find close friends or family members that would be willing to spend one-on-one time with your kids. Encourage them to form meaningful relationships with people that you trust and that they can look up to.

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Role models can make a huge difference in the path that a child decides to take, so be intentional about the ones that you put in your kids’ lives.

14. Be Affectionate and Give Praise

Your children need your affection and praise on a daily basis. Engage with your kids as often as possible by playing with them, going on outings, and encouraging open dialogue.

Affirm them in the things that they are doing well, no matter how small. Praise their efforts, rather than their achievements. This will inspire them to continue to put forth hard work and not give up when success is not achieved.

Rather than spending money on gifts, spend time and effort in making lasting memories.

Final Thoughts

Being a single parent is a challenging responsibility to take on. Without the help of a partner to fall back on, single parents have a lot more to take on.

However, studies show that growing up in a single parent home does not have a negative effect on achievement in school. As long as the family is a stable and safe environment, kids are able to excel and do well in life.

Use these tips in order to be a reliable and capable parent for your kids, while maintaining your own well-being and sanity.

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Featured photo credit: Bruno Nascimento via unsplash.com

Reference

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