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How Every Daughter Would Undergo These Different Stages Of Relationship With Their Mothers

How Every Daughter Would Undergo These Different Stages Of Relationship With Their Mothers

People often ask me how I did it. How did I manage to raise a savvy, compassionate, and accomplished daughter? A daughter who is kind to strangers and gives back to her community while nurturing her own relationships? A young woman who graduated from college with superb grades, played sports throughout high school, and has now landed a terrific job in Manhattan? A daughter who consistently makes critical life decisions with the certainty and sagacity of someone twice her age?

To answer these questions in full would require several hours. And, so, I simply offer the truth: I gave her unconditional love while nurturing her through every stage of her life.

I became a mother with no clear examples of how to raise a child, let alone a daughter. Raising a girl is a complex, terrifying endeavor, fraught with anxieties—small and large. As the only child of a single mother who was in desperate need of mothering herself, I tumbled into motherhood, guided by instinct alone.

And yet, it was through my lack of knowledge that I became an avid student. I was careful. I was a close listener, a keen observer. Through this, I found a mother-and-daughter bond that was tremendously satisfying—for the both of us.

Every phase of a person’s life presents its own set of challenges—for the individual and for the parent. Knowing these stages and their complications and delights allows mothers to anticipate what’s coming and plan accordingly. If you also hope to navigate your daughter’s life with grace, ease, and joy, keep in mind the following stages—what to expect, and how to operate, in each phase.

Phase 1: The Itty-Bitty Critter Years

There are few things more wonderful than holding your baby girl for the first time. When my daughter was born, I intuitively knew how to care for her. Yes, she needed nutrition, warmth, and rest. But she also needed my presence.

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That undivided attention cannot be overlooked. It is through our love and tenderness that our daughters first learn how to form a solid foundation of trust.

Such trust comes with countless benefits. Parents often remark that true, unconditional love is a concept that isn’t understood until you’ve had a child. While debatable, the rewards are undeniable. Cooing words and gleeful smiles pave the way to first attempts at sentences. When my daughter was a toddler, she often looked out the window and said, “Mommy, today is so froggy!” It took her a handful of months to realize that froggy and foggy were not actually the same thing, but it’s one of my fondest memories of her.

During these precious early years, it’s vital to tune into your daughter’s natural tendencies. Is she shy, or extroverted? Is she a homebody, or does she thrive outside the front door? What sounds does she respond to? Colors, smells, and sights? Is she fiercely independent, or does she crave emotional and physical attentiveness?

My daughter, who grew up to be brave and individualistic, had the habit of changing her mind on a whim. Weeks of only wanting to wear pants were replaced with months of refusing to put on anything but a dress. While seemingly insignificant, noting this behavior allowed me to see that she loved to explore and thrived on change—a fact that remains true to this day. Noting these idiosyncrasies from the time your daughter is born will ease you into a mutually gratifying—and smooth-sailing—relationship.

It is in this stage that mothers should cherish every non-exhausting moment—raising an infant and toddler doesn’t come without exceptional effort—as our little girls won’t always be babes-in-arms.

Phase 2: The Idealization Stage

Post-toddler, but preteen, many daughters become enamored with their mothers. They’re in awe of their moms, who, in their minds, are glamorous, gorgeous, and wise. While inherently independent, during the ages of five to ten, my daughter had a habit of mimicking my actions and behaviors. She wanted to eat what I ate, wear identical outfits, and clean and cook and fold laundry beside me. While shadowing me, she’d pick up my tone of voice, the words I spoke. During this phase, she rarely wanted to leave my side.

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Yet, it is also within this phase that a daughter’s fear of becoming separated from her mother becomes realized, enhanced, and intense. When younger, children who are well-cared for have an indestructible trust in their conviction that their mothers are always present—even when they’re out of sight. As they near their firsts—their first day of preschool, their first day of kindergarten, their first sleepover away—they can become moody and clingy in their attempts to keep this notion alive. Thus, it’s critical in this time to begin offering your daughter a taste of autonomy. Allowing her to make decisions on her own, if in her best interest, will permit her to become self-reliant while ensuring that you, as the mother, remain the primary force of love and authority in her life.

Phase 3: The Preteen Years

From roughly eleven to thirteen years old, the daughters we had known so well—those little girls who refused to be away from us for any solid length of time when they were small—begin to separate from us emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Signs of autonomy are present in children from an early age. For example, when my daughter was three, she, like all kids, thought the only word that existed in the English language was “no.” But, these indications become clearer and more and more unmistakable during the preteen years. Daughters begin to identify more with their peers than their parents, opting for weekends with friends over Saturdays with their folks, and relying on their peers’ opinions more than their mother’s.

It is at this time that young women also start to see the cracks in their mother’s facade. The pure beauty and righteousness they saw in their mothers when they were younger falters, which leads to frustration on the preteen’s part (not to mention the mother’s!). This is a perfectly natural phase for girls to undergo, as it is only through seeing the flaws (real or perceived) in their primary attachment figure that they can exert the courage they need to create distance.

With such changes—which feel seemingly abrupt—it’s critical to continue being present, no matter how much you’d like to pack a bag and run. Why? Because it is also during this stage that girls become increasingly aware of the opposite sex.

Terrifying, isn’t it?

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While daughters become critical of their mothers, mainly identifying only their negative characteristics, they also become more receptive to the attention of males. This occurs because of the Oedipus precept in reverse: The female must demonstrate to herself that her mother is inadequate in order to make the chief male in her life (her father) love and protect her. Clearly unconscious on the daughter’s part, the focus is nevertheless on exposing that mom is wrong and dad is right. With that arrives keen observations on how to be seen as the apple of her father’s eye. In general, during this phase, females become more and more interested in their looks. They also want mom to be there—but only at a distance. Kissing your daughter goodbye in front of school? Not an option. Volunteering in the classroom? Forget it.

The question of how to react during this stage brings us back to the first stage. As a mother, you may want to run and hide—a feeling that becomes even more overwhelming in the stage that follows—but presence is, once again, absolutely key. Frequent dialogue, physical connection, and positive encouragement can save a mother-daughter bond during this time—and save your daughter’s life in the tumultuous years that arrive next.

More importantly, it’s crucial in this phase to make it lovingly, but abundantly, clear that your daughter is not to cross the line of respect and obedience. This may entail taking away some of her privileges for awhile, and explaining why you are doing so. Your daughter will likely fight you for giving her a curfew, curbing her internet privileges, and watching what she and her friends eat, watch, and read. Deep inside, though, she’ll know that you’re right and will gain respect for you.

Phase 4: Adolescence

Our closest family friend liked to joke that my husband’s hair would turn gray the moment our daughter turned fourteen. We laughed it off in front of him, while in private we believed that we were the exception: Our smart, soccer-playing, sweet-and-only-occasionally-salty daughter wouldn’t become like “those other teenager girls.”

We were dead wrong.

Parents often say that getting through the teenage years are the most trying, exhausting, exhilarating, and petrifying. I’m here to say: Believe every word of it.

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As Dr. Josepehine Ferraro explains, “While mothers are idealized when children are four or five years old, teenagers often see their mothers as being old fashioned or ‘out of it.’  This is another stage where children are learning to separate themselves emotionally from their mothers.”

This need to detach manifests itself in many ways. In trying to attain independence, while feeling the magnetic pull of the bond daughters share with their mothers, they often overreact and act out. When my daughter was in her mid-to late-teens, she’d come home enraged with me, asking why I was home when “most moms have jobs.”

I had to bite my tongue in these heated moments. The truth is, I had a job—my role was to raise her. “Get a life!” was also yelled with such frequency that it was the only phrase I heard in my head. Yet, within minutes of yelling this and slamming her door, my daughter would emerge from her bedroom to give me a hug and ask what we were having for dinner. During their teens, daughters want you to hold them tight… but they also want you an ocean away.

Keep in mind that your daughter is experiencing a wide range of emotions that are primarily due to hormonal changes. She’s also under incredible pressure during these years—to fit in, get ahead, look great, play sports, perform brilliantly in the classroom, achieve popularity, and land acceptance at a good college. The anxiety she has over leaving home, coupled with her wish to be strong and autonomous, starts to surface. As she navigates these changes and challenges, it’s important for mothers to retain their temper. Refuse to engage in senseless arguments. Explain that what she’s feeling is entirely normal and inevitable. Offer counsel, candor, and solace. Most importantly, set boundaries—and stick to them. You’ll both thank each other later for it.

Phase 5: Early Adulthood

While adolescence is difficult for both mother and daughter, early adulthood presents its own set of difficulties. Post-college, many young women confront the same pressures they faced in high school, only on a much grander scale. From choosing a career they’re passionate about to selecting a mate, women in this decade are much more overwhelmed than ever before. My daughter recently moved to New York City after scoring a prestigious position. Aiding her in finding an apartment and shopping for a new wardrobe brought back memories of her final years in high school. She was overwrought, antsy, and prone to unloading her troubles on me.

It’s also during this time that daughters have a tendency to realize that, like all humans, their mothers are mortal and imperfect. They’ll attempt to carve out an existence unlike their mothers, while also seeking their validation. The greatest lesson we can teach our daughters during these years is the the significance of self-respect. With it comes self-esteem, ambition, and perseverance. And the greatest satisfaction during this phase? Reclaiming the bond you two shared before adolescence hit, and witnessing the brave woman she’s becoming.

Phase 6: The Thirties and Beyond

By the time your daughter has reached her thirties, you will note how your relationship has blossomed and morphed over time. No longer competitive with you, she’s gained stability, recognition, and independence. It’s often during this era that mothers and daughters begin communicating on a peer-to-peer level. With a family of her own, she turns to you for guidance, and yet through maturity has developed a worldview of her own. She teaches you as much as you advise her. And such is the beauty to behold: The extraordinary woman you’ve created.

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Last Updated on September 30, 2020

How to Live a Stress Free Life in a Way Most People Don’t

How to Live a Stress Free Life in a Way Most People Don’t

Learning how to live a stress free life may seem impossible, but the truth is that there are specific things you can do to begin eliminating sources of stress.

No, it doesn’t look like a made-for-television movie. No, it doesn’t look like something only people with extra time and money can do. It looks like your life—but without any self-created stress triggers.

Here are 11 ways to help you live a stress-free life:

1. Stop Overanalyzing Situations That Haven’t Happened

The first step to living a stress-free life is to stop overanalyzing imaginary scenarios. It’s easy to spend time in the world of worst-case scenarios. People tend to cultivate this world for one of two reasons.

First, because if you know what the worst-case scenario is, then it won’t surprise you when it happens. Second, if you know what the worst-case scenario is, then you can do everything in your power to control the universe so the worst case never happens.

If that’s really the world you want to cultivate, then become a professional risk assessor. If not, then ask yourself how you are benefiting from continuing to live that way.

Does it make you feel better about yourself and your life? Does it make you want to leap out of bed in the morning, eager to embrace the worst-case scenario? Does it bring you joy or fulfillment?

If your answer to these three questions is no, then stop living in the future and bring yourself back into the present.

2. Don’t Take on Other People’s Problems

The whole advantage of other people having problems is that they aren’t your problems. When you frequently take on other people’s problems, you get into the habit of enabling.

Let’s get crystal clear about the definition of enabling: enabling is the art of continuing to take responsibility for other people, thereby disallowing their personal responsibility[1].

It is of no service to other people to take on their problems because they can’t/won’t/don’t know how to fix the problem.

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It is of service to empower others to take responsibility for themselves and their lives, to encourage, teach, and motivate others to address their own problems. So stop enabling, and start empowering.

3. Get Present in the Moment

Being present in the moment involves being in your body and feeling your feelings—two things that lots of folks actually don’t know how to do.

Ask yourself these two questions: What does fear feel like in your body? What are you afraid of?

If you don’t know the answer to these questions, you probably aren’t present in the moment. Being present involves vulnerability, humility, and openness[2].

How to live a stress free life by being present

    The past and the future stop being so relevant and intriguing when you’re able to get in your body and feel your feelings. When you can do these two things, you actually want to be in the present moment.

    To get started, close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and watch your stress levels drop. Then, try these tips: How to Live in the Moment and Stop Worrying.

    4. Focus on What You Have, Not What You Don’t

    The easiest way to stop focusing on what you don’t have is by not watching TV commercials. Marketing teaches us to focus on what we don’t have, and advertising campaigns spend millions of dollars convincing us that we must have what we don’t yet have.

    Can you think of a marketing campaign that teaches you to enjoy what you already have without buying something to enhance it? Odds are you can’t.

    In a world dictated by Super Bowl commercials and Facebook ads, it takes stalwart focus to recognize what you have more than what you don’t. If you want a stress-free life now, get stalwart, and stop letting other people dictate your focus.

    In order to do this, try cultivating a gratitude practice to help refocus your mind toward what is good in your life. You can get started with this guide.

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    5. Stop Surrounding Yourself With People Who Don’t Make You Happy

    Honestly, what kind of people do you really like to be around with? People who get you, who see you clearly, who accept your flaws and all; people you can be yourself with; people who have shared interests?

    How many of those people are in your life? What characteristics do all of the other people in your life have?

    If you find that the people in your life aren’t adding anything positive, it may be time to make some changes. If you find that other relationships you have are downright toxic, start working to cut out those relationships immediately.

    6. Find a Job That Makes You Feel Good

    You don’t have to stay at a job just because it pays the bills. Most people spend more time working than sleeping. The average person spends 40 to 80 hours a week—or 2,000 to 4,000 hours a year—working. That is a significant investment!

    If your best friend or child told you that they were going to spend 4,000 hours giving their emotional, mental, and physical energy to something (or someone) that wasn’t going to value them, give anything back to them, or pay them what they were worth, what advice would you offer? Give that same advice to yourself. You won’t be stress-free unless you don’t learn this[3].

    Here’re 11 Signs That You Should Leave Your Job.

    7. Only Take on What You Can Handle

    Busyness is an addiction. Slowing down can actually be terrifying because it causes you to notice that you have feelings that you now have time to feel.

    I get it.

    By the time I slowed down, I had decades of busyness under my belt. I went into a tailspin depression because I didn’t understand how to be in the right relationship with my own emotions.

    When I finally figured out that feelings are just feelings and allowing them to express themselves is healthy and natural, I stopped experiencing withdrawal from my addiction to busyness and started figuring out the pace of life that felt best for me.

    Remarkably, I discovered that I don’t actually like being busy. What will you discover about yourself?

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    8. Let Go of Grudges and Anger

    For me, it took 20 years of adulthood to figure out that holding on to grudges and anger only hurt me. Lucky for you, though, you can benefit vicariously from my experience just by reading one short paragraph!

    No one is holding your feet to the fire, demanding that you hold on to grudges and anger. The energy of anger slowly eats away at your body, mind, and spirit, until one day you wake up more resentful than optimistic.

    One day, people no longer want to be around you because the stink of negativity is oozing out of your pores. One day, you even get tired of hearing yourself get angry. And the person or people you are angry at or holding grudges against probably haven’t been affected at all.

    Who gets hurt the most in that process of repeating negative thoughts? You do.

    Some good advice for you here: How to Let Go of Resentment and Anger

    9. Stop Reliving Your Past

    To live a stress-free life, you have to stop reliving your past. I know it seems like fun to compare everything in your present to your past, and to experience the present through past-colored glasses, but it actually isn’t.

    When you wear past-colored glasses, you can’t truly experience the present for what it is. Your boyfriend or girlfriend gets compared to a list of expectations and failed relationships rather than recognized for the unique blessing they are in your life.

    Your boss gets compared to all the bosses who came before her/him. Your friends’ ability to parent gets compared to your parents’ ability to parent.

    People, including you, deserve to stand on their own past-free merit.

    10. Don’t Complain About Things You Can’t Change

    There are always going to be people elected into office whom you don’t like, taxes that you don’t want to pay, idiot drivers who refuse to move out of the left-hand lane, and a person ahead of you in the check-out line who won’t stop chatting with the clerk.

    The great benefit of being human is that we get to experience all of what life offers us. To live stress-free is to learn to deal with this fact.

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    Dwelling on your frustration with something that can’t be changed doesn’t do anything other than drag you down. You are the only person who will ultimately decide how to respond to what is.

    11. Stop Living Through Other People’s Lives

    Someone else’s life is not your life. Your life is your life.

    What that means is you get to live your life in the way you want. You get to make ridiculous mistakes, take leaps of faith, and stuff things inside your handbag of fear just as much as the next person.

    Going through stuff is the whole great messy adventure of being human! Being alive and living life is terrifying and glorious and everything in between.

    Stop living through social media, trying to soak in all of the experiences everyone else is having. Focus, instead, on what it feels like to be you in this moment. You may find you like it.

    Final Thoughts

    An astounding thing happens when you reduce stress and anxiety, get into a relationship with your body, mind, and spirit, and just be yourself without judgment.

    Your life literally slows down. You stop wishing for the weekend. You begin to live in each moment, and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy.

    You move fluidly, steadily, calmly, and gratefully. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born through improved mental health. And this is how you live a stress-free life.

    More Tips on How to Live a Stress-Free Life

    Featured photo credit: Drew Coffman via unsplash.com

    Reference

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