Advertising
Advertising

11 Things Every Parent Should Know To Raise A Happy Child

11 Things Every Parent Should Know To Raise A Happy Child

From the first sonogram to the first day of college, parenting can be simultaneously the hardest and the most rewarding job. When I asked parents their top five priorities for their child, happiness was at the top of most lists. And yet with bullying, anxiety and depression in our world, how can we change the culture of fear-based parenting so that our children can truly flourish? Here are a few tips from positive psychology experts that can be easily incorporated into your parenting andhave been proven to increase happiness.

Listen

Actively listening to your child means eye contact, not interrupting, and not waiting for your turn to talk. If they aren’t asking for advice, don’t give it. Instead ask them questions like, “What do you think you could do about that?” or “How did that make you feel?” Really hearing what your child wants to tell you will encourage them to continue communicating. Making every conversation a lesson (given by you) leaves them feeling inferior and disempowered. Take advantage of time together in the car or at meals and practice just hearing their ideas with an open mind.

Make mistakes when they are watching

Resilience allows us to make lemonade out of lemons or to get back on the bike when we have fallen off 10 times. Children learn more from your example than they do from your words. If you want them to believe that part of growth is making mistakes, they need to see you burn dinner or fall on the ski slopes occasionally. One of your most powerful opportunities to demonstrate this to your child is when you make a parenting mistake. Let’s say you lose your cool and yell. Instead of hoping they will forget your outburst you can say, “I don’t want to yell at you when I am frustrated. I’m sorry. Even mommies make mistakes.”

Advertising

Let them make messes and mistakes

Happy children know they can cope. They have learned by getting off at the wrong bus stop or pouring the milk too quickly and having it spill. According to child psychologist JoAnn Deak, kids feel supported when they don’t do something right the first time and they are more likely to keep trying. This leads to children with greater problem solving skills as adults. The ability to think outside the box is more about nurture than nature. When they learn this type of thinking in childhood, it translates to success in adult years.

Spend time outside together

No matter where you live, you can find nature. Getting outside boosts moods and provides time where you are really focusing on the activity at hand, according to a study published by Richard Ryan in the Journal of Environmental Psychology. Whether you are hiking, biking, swimming, canoeing, or just walking the dog, nature helps to release stress.Studies show outdoor time helps children grow lean and strong, enhances imaginations and attention spans, decreases aggression, and boosts classroom performance according to the National Wildlife Federation.

Teach them gratitude

Gratitude is the fastest shortcut to happiness.Studies done at Berkeley have linked gratitude to increased personal well-being. If children are grateful for what they already have in life, they are more likely to be happy. Starting a family ritual of sharing the best moment of each family member’s day and one thing they are grateful for every time your have a sit down family dinner. Families who sit down to eat together raise healthier children.

Advertising

Praise them often for what they do not what they are

Humans have a negativity bias. We remember the bad stuff in our day more than the good stuff. The chemicals released by negative emotions like anger and fear just pack a stronger wallop than the gentler positive emotions like hope, inspiration and joy. Carol Dweck’s research has found that to counteract this we need to praise them seven times for each time they hear something they perceive as negative. Praise needs to be given in a very specific way for it to be most effective. When a child is praised for being smart they get a boost in their happiness. However smart is something you are not something you work at. Inevitably even the best student will find something that they have to work harder to be successful at. If your child thinks that they are smart when things come easily and not smart when they have to work at things, you are setting them up to stop trying when things get tough. Instead, praise your child for their planning, their effort and their technique. That way when things are tough you can point out how great they have been at figuring things out in the past.

Have fun

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” The best part of childhood is all the playing. Show your kids how to climb trees. Dress up and be superheroes together. Have a tea party or a dance off. The sillier the better. Happy children laugh frequently.

Teach them compassion

Compassion is two-fold: compassion for self and compassion for others. Many children receive the message from their parents, “I love you when you are good” or “I love you as long as you love me”. Teaching a child to be self-compassionate means demonstrating love in an unconditional way. Removing your love as a penalty for bad behavior causes them to believe that when they act a certain way they are not worthy of your love. According to parenting expert Thomas Gordon, it is best to avoid statement like, “if you loved me you wouldn’t do that’. Never attach your love to their behavior and they will learn to love themselves.

Advertising

Modelling compassion for others is the second part. Show your children how to be empathetic and caring. Help people. Volunteer together. Point out how fortunate you are to live where you live and have what you have so they develop gratitude for things they might otherwise take for granted.

Show them love

Of course this means your physical hugs, cuddles and kisses. It also means demonstrate hugging, holding hands and kisses with your partner and your extended family too. Our sensory system is built to support our need for social connection. Touch is one of the best ways to do this. Just like we feel a decrease in stress hormones after petting a dog, physical contact is one of the ways humans share connection and boost positive emotion. According to Dacher Keltner in an article published by the Greater Good Science Center, “In recent years, a wave of studies has documented some incredible emotional and physical health benefits that come from touch.”

Help them learn to regulate their emotions

The prefrontal cortex is one of the areas of the brain most sensitive to parental influence and interaction. This is the area that deals with emotional regulation. If your child wants a cookie before dinner and you say no, most children will attempt to use a cute baby voice with a “puh-lease”. Then when that doesn’t work they whine. And if they still don’t get a cookie they might scream. This is where you have the chance to react to their scream. Note to new parents: if you give them a cookie you have taught them that screaming works to get what they want (same as if you cave at whining or feigned cuteness). If you get anxious when your child is frustrated or disappointed,your child will learn to have your reaction–anxiety. Instead model appropriate emotional reactivity and praise them when they do too.

Advertising

Give them wings and watch them fly

Our job as parents is ultimately to teach our children how to care for their own needs. The sooner a child begins to feel successful at self-care, the better. We worry so much about all the things that might go wrong that we sometimes rob our children of the opportunity to try. Start with simple things. How many times have you started the shower for your child when they are fully capable to turn on the water and check the temperature on their own? These are the baby steps to self-sufficient and happy adults. But it all begins with a happy child.

More by this author

Why Meditation Makes You Happier, Healthier and More Successful and How To Get Started confident woman 22 Things That Confident Women Don’t Do This Is What Happens To Your Brain When You Walk In The Woods Touching Other People Can Make You Healthier And More Successful, Study Finds 5 Tips from Positive Psychology to Help You Avoid Holiday Stress

Trending in Family

135 Life Hacks for Kids That Make Parenting Easier And More Fun 220 Things to Remember If You Love a Person with ADD 310 Reasons You Shouldn’t Hand A Smartphone to Your Children 4It’s Normal: Every Child Would Find the Parent of the Opposite Sex Attractive at Certain Stage 57 Tools to Optimize Your Next Long-Term Traveling Experience

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on June 15, 2018

What Really Works: How to Relieve Lower Back Pain Effectively

What Really Works: How to Relieve Lower Back Pain Effectively

Eight out of ten adults experience lower back pain once in their lifetime. I am one of those people and I’m definitely not looking forward to my participation award. I know how it feels like to step out of bed and barely being able to put on your socks. Having lower back pain sucks. But 9 out of 10 patients that suffer from lower back pain don’t even know the primary cause of it.

Video Summary

Back Pain? Blame Our Evolution

Once upon a time in our fairly recent past, our ancestors felt the urgency to stand up and leave our quadruped neighbors behind. Habitual bipedalism, fancy word for regularly walking on two legs, came with a lot of advantages. With two rear limbs instead of four, we were able to more efficiently use our hands and create tools with them.

Sadly, life on two legs also brought along its disadvantages. Our spine had four supporting pillars previously, but now it only got two. The back is therefore naturally one of the weak links of our human anatomy. Our spine needs constant support from its supporting muscles to minimize the load on the spine. With no muscle support (tested on dead bodies) the back can only bear loads up to 5 pounds without collapsing [reference Panjabi 1989]. With well-developed torso muscles, the spine can take loads up to 2000 pounds. That’s a 400-fold increase.

Most people that come to me with a history of a herniated disc (that’s when the discs between the vertebral bodies are fully collapsed, really severe incident), tell me the ‘story of the pencil’. The injury with the following severe pain usually gets triggered by picking up a small, everyday object. Such as a pencil. Not as you may think by trying to lift 100 pounds – no, but by a simple thing – such as a pencil.

This tells us that damage in your back adds up over time, it’s a so called cumulative trauma disorder. Meaning back pain is a result of your daily habits.

Sitting Is the New Smoking

Whenever I sit for too long, my back hurts. In fact, 54% of Americans who experience lower back pain spend the majority of their workday sitting. But isn’t sitting something that should reduce the stress of your back? No, just the opposite.

The joints between the bones of the spine are not directly linked to the blood supply. These joints instead get nourished through a process called diffusion. Diffusion works because molecules (such as oxygen, important for cells) are constantly moving and try to get as much space for themselves as they can. A key element for diffusion therefore is a pressure difference. In the image below the left room contains more moving molecules than the right, that’s why the molecules from the left are moving to the right. This way nutrition gets transformed into the joints, whereas toxins are transported out of the joints.

Advertising

Sitting puts a lot of pressure on your spinal chord. The diffusion process therefore can’t function as efficiently. Nutrition and toxins can’t be properly transported, the joints get damaged.

    Sit Properly

    If sitting can play such a huge part in the creation of your lower back pain, how do you sit properly then?

    Is it better to sit with a straight back or should you rather lay back in your chair? Can I cross my legs when I’m sitting or should I have a symmetrical position with my feet? These are questions that I hear on a daily basis. The answer might shock you – according to recent science – all of them are right. The best sitting position is an ever-changing one. An ever-changing position minimizes the pressure on certain points of your spine and spreads it on the whole part.

      Credit: StayWow

      Stand Up More

      Even better than a sitting position is a stand up position. Standing dramatically reduces the pressure on your spine. If you’re forced to work on a desk the whole day though, you have two options.

      Advertising

      Take breaks every hour of about 2-3 minutes.

      Set an alarm on your phone that goes off every hour! In that time you stand up and reach to the ceiling, on your toe tips with fully extended arms. You’re inhaling during the whole process. You do this activity for 20 seconds. Afterwards you’re walking through the office for the next 2 minutes. You might grab a healthy snack or some water in that time. The exercise relieves the pressure on your spine, while the walking makes sure that the joints on your spine are properly used.

      Or get a standing desk.

      One of the best companies on the market for Standing Desks, according to my research, is Autonomous. Autonomous offers a rather cheap Standing Desk, with the ability to change the height. Which means you can start the day standing and switch to sitting if you’re tired.

      Exercise for Lower Back Pain

      Sitting is an immobile position. Your joints are made for movement and therefore need movement to function properly. If humans are moving, all moving parts: e.g. the joints, bones and muscles get strengthened. If you’re in a rested position for too long, your tissues start to deteriorate. You have to get the right amount of activity in.

      But not too much activity. There’s a chance that going to the gym may even increase your risk of lower back pain. I know plenty of friends with chiseled bodies that suffer from pain in the spine regularly. Huge muscles do not prevent you from back pain. In your training you should focus on building up the muscles that are stabilizing your back and relieve pressure. Squats with 400 pounds don’t do the trick.

      The more weight you carry around, the more weight your spinal chord has to bear on a regular basis. That’s one of the reasons why huge, muscular guys can suffer from back pain too. One of the most important goals of your exercise regimen should therefore be weight loss.

      Here are some important tips for you to consider when starting an exercise regimen:

      Make sure you implement cardiovascular training in your workout routine.

      This will not only help you lose weight, it will also make sure that your arteries, which flow to the tissue next to your spinal discs, are free of placque and can therefore transport nutrients properly.

      Advertising

      Important: If you have rather strong back pain, maybe even an herniated disc, don’t start running on a threadmill. Running is an high-impact exercise. Which means there are continuous, reocurring high pressure points on your spine. Your endurance training should therefore either be fast-paced walking or a training on the elliptical trainer for the beginning, because both have little to no stressful impact on your backbone.

      Focus on developing your whole core if you want to minimize your pain.

      There are some people that do hundreds of sit ups a day. While sit ups are a good exercise for your abdomen, it also puts pressure on your spine due to the bending movement. A sixpack workout routine is one-sided. Your abs may become overdeveloped in comparison to your back muscles. You’ve created an imbalance. A great way to train your abdominal muscles and back muscles simultaneously, is holding the plank position.

      Stretch only if you have tight muscles.

      I remember stretching every morning after I woke up. I took 10 minutes out of my day to just work on my flexibility and prevent injuries. Little did I know that I was actually promoting an injury, by doing so.

      Contrary to common belief, stretching is only partially beneficial to treating lower back pain. Stretching makes sense if tight muscles (such as the hamstrings) are forcing you to constantly bend your back. Stretching to treat pain doesn’t make sense if you’re already on a good level of flexibility. Hyper-mobility may even enforce back pain.

      If you found out that you had tight muscles that you need to stretch, try to stretch them at least three times a week. Don’t stretch your muscles right after you wake up in the morning. This is because your spinal discs soak themselves up in fluid over the nighttime. Every bending and excessive loads on your spine is much worse in that soaked-up state. Postpone your stretching regime to two-to three hours after you’ve woken up.

      Where to Start

      The key to improving your habits is awareness. Try to get aware of your back while you’re sitting down, laying down or lifting an object next time. This awareness of your body is called proprioception. For example, you have to be aware whether your back is bended or straight in this very second. Trust me, it is harder than you might think. You may need to ask a friend for the first few tries. But the change that this awareness can make in your back pain is absolutely fascinating. This consciousness of your body is one of the most important things in your recovery or prevention.

      Here are a few behavioural tactics that you need to be considering:

      Advertising

      If you’re leaning forward more than 30 degrees with your upper body, support your spine with your arms.

      Ever tried to show a colleague of yours a complex issue and found yourself awkwardly leaning forward on their desk, pointing with your fingers to his paper? If that ever happens again, make sure you’re using the not-pointing arm to support yourself on the desk.

      Keep a straight back.

      Be it while exercising, stretching or standing. If you’re bending your back you’re putting stress on small areas of your spinal chord. A straight back redistributes the force to a bigger area. You’re minimizing the pressure. Remember this whenever you’re at the gym and reracking your weights, focus on having a neutral spine.

      Put symmetrical loads on your spine.

      I used to play the trumpet when I was a child. The instrument is pretty heavy. The trumpet gets transported in a big, metallic suitcase – with no wheels. Being the nature of suitcases, you only carry it with one arm, on one side of your body. This forced me to constantly lean on the other side with my upper body, while transporting the instrument from A to B. Not really the healthiest activity for your spine as you can imagine.

      If you have to carry heavy objects, carry them with both arms. Put the object in the middle of your body and keep it as close to your mass of gravity as you can. If this is not possible, try to carry the same amount on the left side than you do on the right side. This puts the stress vertically on a fully extended spine. The load is much better bearable for your spine.

      Stay Away From the Back Pain League

      Our world is getting more sedentary. We will continue to develop faster transportation, more comfortable houses and easier lives. While our technological progress definitely has its amazing benefits, it sadly has its downsides too. The danger for back pain will continue to rise on our ever-increasing motionless planet. It’s time to raise awareness.

      Read Next