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8 Reasons Why You Always Fight With Your Beloved

8 Reasons Why You Always Fight With Your Beloved

Doesn’t it seem like those who are truly in love would never fight? The truth is that love is a game of passion and with passion comes a certain intensity of feelings. These feelings often lead to fights. It is not a sign that your relationship is necessarily falling apart, but rather a sign that you are both deeply invested in each other. Here are some reasons you might be fighting with your loved one:

1. You have some unreasonable expectations

This can be particularly difficult as you come out of the honeymoon phase. Romantic love is incredibly powerful and it can lead us to envision our partner as something they are not. This can cause us to be shocked and dismayed when they behave in ways that our inconsistent with our expectations. This type of fight is fairly common for people early on in their relationship and can be worked through by being aware that the first signs of love often leave us with a few unrealistic expectations.

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2. You wonder if these feelings are genuine

Love is a strong, but often mysterious feeling in our lives. With such intensity floating around, you may begin to wonder if all of this is truly real. This insecurity can cause lovers to fight. It can be very difficult to determine how another person feels, let alone how you feel yourself, but in these situations, it is best to realize that you have to trust yourself to know what is real and what isn’t.

3. You worry you may be settling

Once you get seriously involved with a beloved one, you may begin to worry that there may be something better out there. This is a normal sensation, and often flares up most prominently when things are not running very smoothly. With this feeling, you are best to be careful and avoid acting on any rash decisions. Give yourself time and space to decide how you truly feel about the situation. Go slowly and remember all the great things you love about your partner before you decide there is something better out there.

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4. You are frustrated that you can’t be perfect for your partner

Sometimes fights stem from your own frustrations with your behavior. Although you may not realize it, you may be expecting yourself to be the perfect example of loving support for your partner. This is a wonderful goal to strive for, but the truth is no one is perfect. You will make mistakes in your journey, and so will your partner. When you realize you are motivated out of frustration about your own actions, being open with your partner is a good strategy. Trust love includes loving all of your imperfections, so you may find solace in hearing your lack of perfection is forgiven.

5. You may be losing sight of the team aspect of your relationship

If you are getting too focused on “I” or “me” you may be suffering from this problem. Mature relationships require a teamwork mentality. You have to learn to work with your partner and consider your options based on what is most beneficial for both of you. This requires patience and communicating with your partner.

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6. You prioritized your feelings over your partner’s

Although your feelings are probably the most tangible thing on your mind, its important to realize that they are not always the most important thing in a specific situation. To avoid these sorts of fights, be mindful of what your feelings are and what your beloved’s feelings might be. Try to make a conscious decision to focus on their feelings over your own.

7. You get the past mixed up with the present

Sure you’ve probably had a few bumps in the past. Perhaps a few of them are still a bit raw. That’s no surprise, but if you bring up bits of the past while trying to work through something more recent, you may be walking into a mine field. Try to stay focused on the now and have a separate conversation about the past if you need it.

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8. You don’t have an established exit plan

Sometimes when you are having a moment with your loved on, it can be hard to know how to exit a conversation before it gets too heated. If you establish a way to respectfully end the conversation way before anyone gets heated, you have a go to when things start to get out of hand. It can be something as simple as saying “I need a break, let’s return to this tomorrow” to something outrageous like “Pink bananas are better ripe.” Whatever phrasing can help you and your partner flag a respectful retreat will help reduce the number of fights you both have to endure.

Featured photo credit: JanDix via pixabay.com

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Last Updated on October 14, 2020

The Art of Humble Confidence

The Art of Humble Confidence

To be confident or not to be confident, that is the question. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve been a bit confused about all this discussion about the subject of confidence. Do you really need to be more confident or should you try to be more humble? I think the answer is both – you just have to know where to use it.

East VS West – Confidence, It’s a Cultural Thing

In typical Western countries, the answer to the confidence debate is obvious – more is better. Our heros are rebellious, independent and shoot first, ask questions later. I think this snippet of dialog from The Matrix sums it up best:

Agent Smith – “We’re willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we’re asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.”
Neo – “Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger”
[He does]
Neo -“ …and you give me my phone call.”

In Eastern countries, the tone is often considerably different. Elders are supposed to be revered not dismissed. The words ‘guru,’ meaning a teacher, and the philosophy of dharma, loosely translated to mean ‘duty,’ come from here. In Eastern cultures humility and respect are more important than confidence.

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These perspectives are generalizations, but it shows how the confidence debate goes back deep into our culture. I think that both extremes of pure confidence or pure humility are misguided. Instead of rectifying this situation by simply blending the two: becoming somewhat humble, somewhat confident all the time, I believe the answer is to know when to be confident and when to be humble.

Humble Confidence – Know When to Use It

I’m going to make another broad generalization. I believe that virtually every relationship you are going to have is going to fit into one of two major archetypes, either master or student. In peer relationships this master/student role may switch frequently, but it is extremely rare that the relationship never leans to one side.

In the master role, you are displaying confidence to get what you want. This is public speaker, leader or seducer. Being the master has advantages. You have more control and ability to influence from this role.

The student role is the opposite. You are intentionally displaying humility. This is the student, disciple or follower. Being the student has advantages too. You can learn a lot more in this role and are more likely to win the trust of the other person.

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Know When to Shut Up and Learn

If you are a typical Westerner, you are probably already thinking about which role you prefer. Being the leader is great. You get respect and a higher status. Most of all you get a greater degree of control.

But the problem is that you can’t and shouldn’t always try to be the leader. Trying to assume that role without the skills, resources or status to back it up will lead to conflict. More importantly, there are many times when you purposely want to display humility. Some of the benefits to the student role include:

  • You learn more.
  • Smooths relationships.
  • Makes others more willing to lend a helping hand.

Knowing when taking the humble route is to your advantage. It is far easier to get mentors and advisors if you use humility rather than arrogance. A small sacrifice to your ego can open up the potential to learn a lot.

Confidence to Persuade, Humility to Learn

In reality almost no relationship is as clearly defined as master/student. Within our connections, people have overlapping areas of expertise. I might be an expert in blogging to a non-blogger, but they might be an expert in finance. In each area there are different roles to take.

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Before any interaction ask yourself what the purpose is. Are you trying to learn or persuade?

Persuasion requires confidence. If you are trying to sell, instruct or lead you need to display the confidence to match your message. But learning requires humility. You won’t learn anything if you are constantly arguing with your professors, mentors or employers. Taking a dose of humility and temporarily making yourself a student gives you the opportunity to absorb.

Persuade Less, Learn More

Persuasion is great for immediate effect, but learning matters over the long-haul. Instead of washing over all your communication with pure confidence, look for opportunities to learn. Persuading someone to follow you may give you an immediate boost of satisfaction, but it doesn’t last. Learning, however, is an investment for the future.

Whenever I make a connection with someone and realize they have a skill or understanding I want, I am careful to express humility in that area. That means listening with what they say even if I don’t immediately agree and being patient with their response. This method often drastically cuts down the time I need to spend on trial and error to learn by myself.

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Confidence/Humility Doesn’t Replace Communication Skills

This approach of selectively using confidence and humility for different purposes doesn’t replace communication skills. Humility isn’t going to work if the other person thinks you’re an irritating whiner. Confidence won’t work if the entire room thinks you are an arrogant jerk. Knowing how to display these two qualities takes practice.

The next time you are about to enter into an interaction ask yourself why you are doing it. Are you trying to persuade or learn? Depending on which you can take a completely different tact for far better results.

Featured photo credit: BBH Singapore via unsplash.com

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