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8 Reasons Why You Always Fight With Your Beloved

8 Reasons Why You Always Fight With Your Beloved

Doesn’t it seem like those who are truly in love would never fight? The truth is that love is a game of passion and with passion comes a certain intensity of feelings. These feelings often lead to fights. It is not a sign that your relationship is necessarily falling apart, but rather a sign that you are both deeply invested in each other. Here are some reasons you might be fighting with your loved one:

1. You have some unreasonable expectations

This can be particularly difficult as you come out of the honeymoon phase. Romantic love is incredibly powerful and it can lead us to envision our partner as something they are not. This can cause us to be shocked and dismayed when they behave in ways that our inconsistent with our expectations. This type of fight is fairly common for people early on in their relationship and can be worked through by being aware that the first signs of love often leave us with a few unrealistic expectations.

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2. You wonder if these feelings are genuine

Love is a strong, but often mysterious feeling in our lives. With such intensity floating around, you may begin to wonder if all of this is truly real. This insecurity can cause lovers to fight. It can be very difficult to determine how another person feels, let alone how you feel yourself, but in these situations, it is best to realize that you have to trust yourself to know what is real and what isn’t.

3. You worry you may be settling

Once you get seriously involved with a beloved one, you may begin to worry that there may be something better out there. This is a normal sensation, and often flares up most prominently when things are not running very smoothly. With this feeling, you are best to be careful and avoid acting on any rash decisions. Give yourself time and space to decide how you truly feel about the situation. Go slowly and remember all the great things you love about your partner before you decide there is something better out there.

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4. You are frustrated that you can’t be perfect for your partner

Sometimes fights stem from your own frustrations with your behavior. Although you may not realize it, you may be expecting yourself to be the perfect example of loving support for your partner. This is a wonderful goal to strive for, but the truth is no one is perfect. You will make mistakes in your journey, and so will your partner. When you realize you are motivated out of frustration about your own actions, being open with your partner is a good strategy. Trust love includes loving all of your imperfections, so you may find solace in hearing your lack of perfection is forgiven.

5. You may be losing sight of the team aspect of your relationship

If you are getting too focused on “I” or “me” you may be suffering from this problem. Mature relationships require a teamwork mentality. You have to learn to work with your partner and consider your options based on what is most beneficial for both of you. This requires patience and communicating with your partner.

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6. You prioritized your feelings over your partner’s

Although your feelings are probably the most tangible thing on your mind, its important to realize that they are not always the most important thing in a specific situation. To avoid these sorts of fights, be mindful of what your feelings are and what your beloved’s feelings might be. Try to make a conscious decision to focus on their feelings over your own.

7. You get the past mixed up with the present

Sure you’ve probably had a few bumps in the past. Perhaps a few of them are still a bit raw. That’s no surprise, but if you bring up bits of the past while trying to work through something more recent, you may be walking into a mine field. Try to stay focused on the now and have a separate conversation about the past if you need it.

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8. You don’t have an established exit plan

Sometimes when you are having a moment with your loved on, it can be hard to know how to exit a conversation before it gets too heated. If you establish a way to respectfully end the conversation way before anyone gets heated, you have a go to when things start to get out of hand. It can be something as simple as saying “I need a break, let’s return to this tomorrow” to something outrageous like “Pink bananas are better ripe.” Whatever phrasing can help you and your partner flag a respectful retreat will help reduce the number of fights you both have to endure.

Featured photo credit: JanDix via pixabay.com

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

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