Advertising
Advertising

This Is How You Can Raise Confident kids And Keep Your Sanity

This Is How You Can Raise Confident kids And Keep Your Sanity

I am responsible for three children. I have an 18 year old daughter who is a freshman in college, a six year old son, and my girlfriend has an eight year old son. Around the time my daughter was four years old I started studying characteristics of success. At first I was only concerned about my personal survival and success, but that quickly shifted to looking at how I could help the world around me with what I was learning. Shortly after I turned 24 I knew I wanted to spend my life teaching, training, coaching, counselling, or speaking. Thankfully that has been my life the past eight years.

Whether I’m coaching one-on-one, training a leadership group of 20, or speaking to 150 people, my responsibility is to help people understand concepts that will help them do two things:

1. Overcome self-imposed barriers that hold them back
2. Gain the confidence needed to live the life they want to live

Shortly after I started learning this stuff, I realized I had the same responsibility to my children.

And, guess what? You do too!

Advertising

We all know people who are secure with themselves and confident. We all know people who are insecure and lack self-confidence. The secure and confident people tend to have an easier time with the world around them. In his Hierarchy of Needs, Abraham Maslow outlines that insecurity and a lack of self-confidence may prevent us from: developing healthy relationships, developing the esteem needed to achieve the life we desire and discovering our purpose and passions.

I’m certainly not a perfect man or father, but trust me, you want your kids to be confident. Their lives will be easier and so will yours.

If you are a parent and you view your role and responsibilities similar to me, what I’m about to share should add value. If you are a parent that has never made confidence a result you’ve committed to, you should. As I mentioned above, it will make your life easier.

To have confidence, our children must have security and stability. It’s hard to maintain a healthy and positive attitude and be all that you can be when you are in survival mode. One way we can give them security and stability is through the culture of our homes. Business leaders are responsible for the culture in their workplace. Athletic coaches are responsible for the culture within their teams. And as the leader of your family, you are responsible for the culture of your home.

Here are three things you must have present in your home to create the stability to allow your child’s confidence to grow. Oh, and to keep your sanity!

Advertising

1. Clear Roles

Clear roles is a pretty simple concept. You are the parent and they are the children. Not: you are the friend and they are the friend. Or more like, you are the friend that is only treated with respect when they get their way. You are the parent and they are the child. This means you run the show, create the culture, set the rules, and enforce the rules. When the rules are followed, there must be acknowledgement and appreciation. When the rules aren’t followed, there must be consistent consequences.

You run the show! That is your role. That is not their role. They are the child. If you set no boundaries, your children will see no boundaries and you’re going to have your hands full with kids who think they are in charge and lose their mind when they are not.

Now before I you get the impression that I am some communistic dictator, I have to point out that love has to be the foundation. I have an informal rule in my head that I need to love my kids twice as much as I have to discipline them. If you rule your home with an iron fist, your kids might listen out of fear or your perceived power, but they won’t trust you. When love is the foundation, they might not always like you, but they will trust and respect you. This will create all kinds of healthy emotional leverage that will work in everyone’s favor.

Below is one of my favorite television clips of all time. It’s a scene from the pilot episode for the Cosby Show. Cliff (played by Bill Cosby) is having a conversation with his son Theo (played my Malcolm-Jamal Warner) about Theo’s grades and his attitude about the world. Cliff is a very loving father who is hearing his son out, but at some point he has enough of Theo’s nonsense and lays the hammer down, reminding him of who runs the show.

Advertising

2. Clear Goals

The best way to guide your children to stay on course is to talk to them about the clear destination or desired outcome. Proactively talk to them about what results you need to see and explain why it is good for them. Mentally and emotionally connect them to the end result and give them some freedom to figure out how they are going to achieve it. Help them set clear goals for themselves. Sure they are going to do stupid things and make mistakes along the way, but every stupid thing and mistake they make is an opportunity to be he parent and reconnect them to the clear goal, yours or theirs.

The line I came to use often with my daughter was “My goal is that you reach 18 with confidence and a good head on your shoulders.” We even got to the point where all I would have to say is “What’s my job?” and she would immediately roll her eyes at me and in her sarcastic voice “to guide me in the right direction so I’m confident”. With my son, even at six I say to him “Buddy, my job is to help you be a good boy, so you will grow up to be a good man.”

3. Clear Expectations

Clear expectations are like clear goals, but different. Clear goals are about desired outcomes and clear expectations are about what kind of people they need to be to achieve the desired outcomes. What are their values? What are their standards? How do they need to show up?

These clear expectations became the hierarchy of rules in our home as outlined below, which hangs in the kids’ rooms. If they want to enjoy the “LET’S HAVE FUN!”, the previous five expectations have to be met in some reasonable fashion.

  • Self-repect
  • Respect others
  • Family First
  • School Stuff
  • Do what you’re asked
  • LET’s HAVE FUN!

Remember, the end result is that your kids are confident. Confident people see and react to the world differently. They see things more productively and will handle life’s adversities better. By establishing clear roles, clear goals, and clear expectations you are creating a culture within your home of love and stability. They know they are the child and you are the parent. They understand what the goals are and why they are important. They understand how they need to do things and show up to be successful.

Advertising

In closing, I’ll share a note my daughter posted on my Facebook page a couple of months ago, that for me brings everything full circle.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my main man and role model. Words can’t express how thankful I am to have such a strong, confident, passionate, and hilarious (sometimes) father in my life. Without you, I wouldn’t have the expectations that I have for myself today, nor the values and need to help others and make a difference. You have inspired me to do so much with my life, and I know I can go to you for anything and you’ll tell me what to do (whether I like to hear it or not). Thank you for pushing me to try hard and take risks, and mainly for shaping me into the person I am today. So, here’s to you! I love you more than anything in the world! Happy birthday.”

This stuff is the foundation of every successful company, team, and family. Parenting can feel like a contact sport and you must play to win. In my opinion, winning is raising confident children without loosing your mind.

Good luck!

If you have other tips you would like to share, feel free to do so in the comment section below.

Featured photo credit: Mother and son huddle together winter portrait, closeup via shutterstock.com

More by this author

This Is How You Can Raise Confident kids And Keep Your Sanity Rewarded, Punished, or Ignored: What Do You Want to Be? Be Confident In A Way Most People Don’t Know 9 Things You Can Do To Be A Successful Leader in Your 20s 6 Steps To Be Healthy When Traveling

Trending in Family

1 What Happened to Family Dinners? Why We Should Bring Them Back 2 How to Cope with Empty Nest Syndrome and Stop Feeling Lonely 3 How Not to Let Work Take Priority over Spending Time With Family 4 35 Life Hacks for Kids That Make Parenting Easier And More Fun 5 20 Things to Remember If You Love a Person with ADD

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on August 20, 2019

How to Control Your Thoughts and Be the Master of Your Mind

How to Control Your Thoughts and Be the Master of Your Mind

Your mind is the most powerful tool you have for the creation of good in your life, but if not used correctly, can also be the most destructive force in your life.

Your mind, more specifically, your thoughts, affect your perception and therefore, your interpretation of reality. (And here’s Why Your Perception Is Your Reality.)

I have heard that the average person thinks around 70,000 thoughts a day. That’s a lot, especially if they are unproductive, self-abusive and just a general waste of energy.

You can let your thoughts run amok, but why would you? It is your mind, your thoughts; isn’t it time to take your power back? Isn’t it time to take control?

Choose to be the person who is actively, consciously thinking your thoughts. Become the master of your mind.

When you change your thoughts, you will change your feelings as well, and you will also eliminate the triggers that set off those feelings. Both of these outcomes provide you with a greater level of peace in your mind.

I currently have few thoughts that are not of my own choosing or a response from my reprogramming. I am the master of my mind, so now my mind is quite peaceful. Yours can be too!

Who Is Thinking My Thoughts?

Before you can become the master of your mind, you must recognize that you are currently at the mercy of several unwanted “squatters” living in your mind, and they are in charge of your thoughts. If you want to be the boss of them, you must know who they are and what their motivation is, and then you can take charge and evict them.

Here are four of the “squatters” in your head that create the most unhealthy and unproductive thoughts:

1. The Inner Critic

This is your constant abuser who is often a conglomeration of:

  • Other people’s words; many times your parents.
  • Thoughts you have created based on your own or other peoples expectations.
  • Comparing yourself to other people, including those in the media.
  • The things you told yourself as a result of painful experiences such as betrayal and rejection. Your interpretation creates your self-doubt and self-blame, which are most likely undeserved in cases of rejection and betrayal.

The Inner Critic is motivated by pain, low self-esteem, lack of self-acceptance and lack of self-love.

Why else would this person abuse you? And since this person is actually you– why else would you abuse yourself? Why would you let anyone treat you this badly?

2. The Worrier

This person lives in the future; in the world of “what ifs.”

The Worrier is motivated by fear which is often irrational and with no basis for it. Occasionally, this person is motivated by fear that what happened in the past will happen again.

3. The Reactor or Trouble-Maker

This is the one that triggers anger, frustration and pain. These triggers stem from unhealed wounds of the past. Any experience that is even closely related to a past wound will set him off.

Advertising

This person can be set off by words or feelings, and can even be set off by sounds and smells.

The Reactor has no real motivation and has poor impulse control and is run by past programming that no longer serves you, if it ever did.

4. The Sleep Depriver

This can be a combination of any number of different squatters including the inner planner, the rehasher, and the ruminator, along with the inner critic and the worrier.

The Sleep Depriver’s motivation can be:

  • As a reaction to silence, which he fights against
  • Taking care of the business you neglected during the day
  • Self-doubt, low self-esteem, insecurity and generalized anxiety
  • As listed above for the inner critic and worrier

How can you control these squatters?

How to Master Your Mind

You are the thinker and the observer of your thoughts. You must pay attention to your thoughts so you can identify “who” is running the show; this will determine which technique you will want to use.

Begin each day with the intention of paying attention to your thoughts and catching yourself when you are thinking undesirable thoughts.

There are two ways to control your thoughts:

  • Technique A – Interrupt and replace them
  • Technique B – Eliminate them altogether

This second option is what is known as peace of mind!

The technique of interrupting and replacing is a means of reprogramming your subconscious mind. Eventually, the replacement thoughts will become the “go to” thoughts in the applicable situations.

Use Technique A with the Inner Critic and Worrier; and Technique B with the Reactor and Sleep Depriver.

For the Inner Critic

When you catch yourself thinking something negative about yourself (calling yourself names, disrespecting yourself, or berating yourself), interrupt it.

You can yell (in your mind), “Stop! No!” or, “Enough! I’m in control now.” Then, whatever your negative thought was about yourself, replace it with an opposite or counter thought or an affirmation that begins with “I am.”

For example, if your thought is, “I’m such a loser,” you can replace it with, “I am a Divine Creation of the Universal Spirit. I am a perfect spiritual being learning to master the human experience. I am a being of energy, light, and matter. I am magnificent, brilliant, and beautiful. I love and approve of myself just as I am.”

You can also have a dialogue with yourself with the intention of discrediting the ‘voice’ that created the thought, if you know whose voice it is:

Advertising

“Just because so-and-so said I was a loser doesn’t make it true. It was his or her opinion, not a statement of fact. Or maybe they were joking and I took it seriously because I’m insecure.”

If you recognize that you have recurring self-critical thoughts, you can write out or pre-plan your counter thoughts or affirmation so you can be ready. This is the first squatter you should evict, forcefully, if necessary:

  • They rile up the Worrier.
  • The names you call yourself become triggers when called those names by others, so he also maintains the presence of the Reactor.
  • They are often present when you try to fall asleep so he perpetuates the Sleep Depriver.
  • They are a bully and is verbally and emotionally abusive.
  • They are the destroyer of self-esteem. They convince you that you’re not worthy. They’re a liar! In the interest of your self-worth, get them out!

Eliminate your worst critic and you will also diminish the presence of the other three squatters.

Replace them with your new best friends who support, encourage, and enhance your life. This is a presence you want in your mind.

For the Worrier

Prolonged anxiety is mentally, emotionally and physically unhealthy. It can have long-term health implications.

Fear initiates the fight or flight response, creates worry in the mind and creates anxiety in the body.

You should be able to recognize a “worry thought” immediately by how you feel. The physiological signs that the fight or flight response of fear has kicked in are:

  • Increased heart rate, blood pressure, or surge of adrenaline
  • Shallow breathing or breathlessness
  • Muscles tense

Use the above stated method to interrupt any thought of worry and then replace it. But this time you will replace your thoughts of worry with thoughts of gratitude for the outcome you wish for.

If you believe in a higher power, this is the time to engage with it. Here is an example:

Instead of worrying about my loved ones traveling in bad weather, I say the following (I call it a prayer):

“Thank you great spirit for watching over _______. Thank you for watching over his/her car and keeping it safe, road-worthy, and free of maintenance issues without warning. Thank you for surrounding him/her with only safe, conscientious, and alert drivers. And thank you for keeping him/her safe, conscientious, and alert.”

Smile when you think about it or say it aloud, and phrase it in the present tense; both of these will help you feel it and possibly even start to believe it.

If you can visualize what you are praying for, the visualization will enhance the feeling so you will increase the impact in your vibrational field.

Now take a calming breath, slowly in through your nose, and slowly out through the mouth. Take as many as you like!

Replacing fearful thoughts with gratitude will decrease reactionary behavior, taking the steam out of the Reactor.

Advertising

For example:

If your child gets lost in the mall, the typical parental reaction that follows the fearful thoughts when finding them is to yell at them.

“I told you never to leave my sight.” This reaction just adds to the child’s fear level from being lost in the first place. Plus, it also teaches them that mom and/or dad will get mad when he or she makes a mistake, which may make them lie to you or not tell you things in the future.

Change those fearful thoughts when they happen:

“Thank You (your choice of Higher Power) for watching over my child and keeping him safe. Thank you for helping me find him soon.”

Then, when you see your child after this thought process, your only reaction will be gratitude, and that seems like a better alternative for all people involved.

For the Trouble-Maker, Reactor or Over-Reactor

Permanently eliminating this squatter will take a bit more attention and reflection after the fact to identify and heal the causes of the triggers; but until then, you can prevent the Reactor from getting out of control by initiating conscious breathing as soon as you recognize his presence.

The Reactor’s thoughts or feelings activate the fight or flight response just like with the Worrier. The physiological signs of his presence will be the same. With a little attention, you should be able to tell the difference between anxiety, anger, frustration, or pain:

  • Increased heart rate and blood pressure; surge of adrenaline
  • Shallow breathing or breathlessness
  • Muscles tension

I’m sure you’ve heard the suggestion to count to ten when you get angry—well, you can make those ten seconds much more productive if you are breathing consciously during that time.

Conscious breathing is as simple as it sounds; just be conscious of your breathing. Pay attention to the air going in and coming out.

Breathe in through your nose:

  • Feel the air entering your nostrils.
  • Feel your lungs filling and expanding.
  • Focus on your belly rising.

Breathe out through your nose:

  • Feel your lungs emptying.
  • Focus on your belly falling.
  • Feel the air exiting your nostrils.

Do this for as long as you like. Leave the situation if you want. This gives the adrenaline time to normalize.

Now you can address the situation with a calmer, more rational perspective and avoid damaging behavior.

One of the troubles this squatter causes is that it adds to the sleep depriver’s issues. By evicting, or at least controlling the Reactor, you will decrease reactionary behavior, which will decrease the need for the rehashing and ruminating that may keep you from falling asleep.

Advertising

Master your mind and stop the Reactor from bringing stress to you and your relationships!

For the Sleep Depriver

(They’re made up of the Inner Planner, the Rehasher and the Ruminator, along with the Inner Critic and the Worrier.)

I was plagued with a very common problem: not being able to turn off my mind at bedtime. This inability prevented me from falling asleep and thus, getting a restful and restorative night’s sleep.

Here’s how I mastered my mind and evicted the Sleep Depriver and all his cronies.

  1. I started by focusing on my breathing—paying attention to the rise and fall of my belly—but that didn’t keep the thoughts out for long. (Actually, I now start with checking my at-rest mouth position to keep me from clenching.)
  2. Then I came up with replacement strategy that eliminated uncontrolled thinking—imagining the word in while breathing in and thinking the word out when breathing out. I would (and do) elongate the word to match the length of my breath.

When I catch myself thinking, I shift back to in, out. With this technique, I am still thinking, sort of, but the wheels are no longer spinning out of control. I am in control of my mind and I choose quiet.

From the first time I tried this method I started to yawn after only a few cycles and am usually asleep within ten minutes.

For really difficult nights, I add an increase of attention by holding my eyes in a looking-up position (Closed, of course!). Sometimes I try to look toward my third eye but that really hurts my eyes.

If you have trouble falling asleep because you can’t shut off your mind, I strongly recommend you try this technique. I still use it every night. You can start sleeping better tonight!

You can also use this technique any time you want to:

  • Fall back to sleep if you wake up too soon.
  • Shut down your thinking.
  • Calm your feelings.
  • Simply focus on the present moment. 

The Bottom Line

Your mind is a tool, and like any other tool, it can be used for constructive purposes or for destructive purposes.

You can allow your mind to be occupied by unwanted, undesirable and destructive tenants, or you can choose desirable tenants like peace, gratitude, compassion, love, and joy.

Your mind can become your best friend, your biggest supporter, and someone you can count on to be there and encourage you. The choice is yours!

More About Mental Strength

Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

Read Next