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This Is How You Can Raise Confident kids And Keep Your Sanity

This Is How You Can Raise Confident kids And Keep Your Sanity

I am responsible for three children. I have an 18 year old daughter who is a freshman in college, a six year old son, and my girlfriend has an eight year old son. Around the time my daughter was four years old I started studying characteristics of success. At first I was only concerned about my personal survival and success, but that quickly shifted to looking at how I could help the world around me with what I was learning. Shortly after I turned 24 I knew I wanted to spend my life teaching, training, coaching, counselling, or speaking. Thankfully that has been my life the past eight years.

Whether I’m coaching one-on-one, training a leadership group of 20, or speaking to 150 people, my responsibility is to help people understand concepts that will help them do two things:

1. Overcome self-imposed barriers that hold them back
2. Gain the confidence needed to live the life they want to live

Shortly after I started learning this stuff, I realized I had the same responsibility to my children.

And, guess what? You do too!

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We all know people who are secure with themselves and confident. We all know people who are insecure and lack self-confidence. The secure and confident people tend to have an easier time with the world around them. In his Hierarchy of Needs, Abraham Maslow outlines that insecurity and a lack of self-confidence may prevent us from: developing healthy relationships, developing the esteem needed to achieve the life we desire and discovering our purpose and passions.

I’m certainly not a perfect man or father, but trust me, you want your kids to be confident. Their lives will be easier and so will yours.

If you are a parent and you view your role and responsibilities similar to me, what I’m about to share should add value. If you are a parent that has never made confidence a result you’ve committed to, you should. As I mentioned above, it will make your life easier.

To have confidence, our children must have security and stability. It’s hard to maintain a healthy and positive attitude and be all that you can be when you are in survival mode. One way we can give them security and stability is through the culture of our homes. Business leaders are responsible for the culture in their workplace. Athletic coaches are responsible for the culture within their teams. And as the leader of your family, you are responsible for the culture of your home.

Here are three things you must have present in your home to create the stability to allow your child’s confidence to grow. Oh, and to keep your sanity!

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1. Clear Roles

Clear roles is a pretty simple concept. You are the parent and they are the children. Not: you are the friend and they are the friend. Or more like, you are the friend that is only treated with respect when they get their way. You are the parent and they are the child. This means you run the show, create the culture, set the rules, and enforce the rules. When the rules are followed, there must be acknowledgement and appreciation. When the rules aren’t followed, there must be consistent consequences.

You run the show! That is your role. That is not their role. They are the child. If you set no boundaries, your children will see no boundaries and you’re going to have your hands full with kids who think they are in charge and lose their mind when they are not.

Now before I you get the impression that I am some communistic dictator, I have to point out that love has to be the foundation. I have an informal rule in my head that I need to love my kids twice as much as I have to discipline them. If you rule your home with an iron fist, your kids might listen out of fear or your perceived power, but they won’t trust you. When love is the foundation, they might not always like you, but they will trust and respect you. This will create all kinds of healthy emotional leverage that will work in everyone’s favor.

Below is one of my favorite television clips of all time. It’s a scene from the pilot episode for the Cosby Show. Cliff (played by Bill Cosby) is having a conversation with his son Theo (played my Malcolm-Jamal Warner) about Theo’s grades and his attitude about the world. Cliff is a very loving father who is hearing his son out, but at some point he has enough of Theo’s nonsense and lays the hammer down, reminding him of who runs the show.

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2. Clear Goals

The best way to guide your children to stay on course is to talk to them about the clear destination or desired outcome. Proactively talk to them about what results you need to see and explain why it is good for them. Mentally and emotionally connect them to the end result and give them some freedom to figure out how they are going to achieve it. Help them set clear goals for themselves. Sure they are going to do stupid things and make mistakes along the way, but every stupid thing and mistake they make is an opportunity to be he parent and reconnect them to the clear goal, yours or theirs.

The line I came to use often with my daughter was “My goal is that you reach 18 with confidence and a good head on your shoulders.” We even got to the point where all I would have to say is “What’s my job?” and she would immediately roll her eyes at me and in her sarcastic voice “to guide me in the right direction so I’m confident”. With my son, even at six I say to him “Buddy, my job is to help you be a good boy, so you will grow up to be a good man.”

3. Clear Expectations

Clear expectations are like clear goals, but different. Clear goals are about desired outcomes and clear expectations are about what kind of people they need to be to achieve the desired outcomes. What are their values? What are their standards? How do they need to show up?

These clear expectations became the hierarchy of rules in our home as outlined below, which hangs in the kids’ rooms. If they want to enjoy the “LET’S HAVE FUN!”, the previous five expectations have to be met in some reasonable fashion.

  • Self-repect
  • Respect others
  • Family First
  • School Stuff
  • Do what you’re asked
  • LET’s HAVE FUN!

Remember, the end result is that your kids are confident. Confident people see and react to the world differently. They see things more productively and will handle life’s adversities better. By establishing clear roles, clear goals, and clear expectations you are creating a culture within your home of love and stability. They know they are the child and you are the parent. They understand what the goals are and why they are important. They understand how they need to do things and show up to be successful.

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In closing, I’ll share a note my daughter posted on my Facebook page a couple of months ago, that for me brings everything full circle.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my main man and role model. Words can’t express how thankful I am to have such a strong, confident, passionate, and hilarious (sometimes) father in my life. Without you, I wouldn’t have the expectations that I have for myself today, nor the values and need to help others and make a difference. You have inspired me to do so much with my life, and I know I can go to you for anything and you’ll tell me what to do (whether I like to hear it or not). Thank you for pushing me to try hard and take risks, and mainly for shaping me into the person I am today. So, here’s to you! I love you more than anything in the world! Happy birthday.”

This stuff is the foundation of every successful company, team, and family. Parenting can feel like a contact sport and you must play to win. In my opinion, winning is raising confident children without loosing your mind.

Good luck!

If you have other tips you would like to share, feel free to do so in the comment section below.

Featured photo credit: Mother and son huddle together winter portrait, closeup via shutterstock.com

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Last Updated on August 13, 2018

5 Exercises To Improve Intimacy and Create a Better Relationship

5 Exercises To Improve Intimacy and Create a Better Relationship

Making love can be simultaneously the most pleasurable and the most stressful experience that we share with another human being. It is a natural conclusion of the ritual of intimacy we engage in with a person we find attractive on both a physical and psychological level. Yet, we are far removed from our animalistic roots, and that which was once a matter of instinct has become somewhat complex. This is a good thing; we have grown as a society, and there are many factors involved when it comes to the relationship between sexual partners. However, we have also lost a great deal of the physical prowess our primitive ancestors had.

They engaged in a huge amount of physical activities daily — activities that ensured their cardiovascular system and muscles were in great shape, which allowed them to have healthy libidos, strong erections, and the muscular strength, limberness and endurance to maintain different positions for a long time without getting exhausted. Luckily, we can regain some of these animalistic traits with the right kind of training. Here are some essential exercises that will help improve your relationship, but making you more confident in intimate settings, which means that you’ll have more satisfying intercourse.

Don Juan

    1. Cardio for Stamina

    If you’re out of shape, the first thing you’ll notice during intercourse is that you start to breathe heavily, sweat profusely and tire easily. This means you’ll have to shift your posture frequently and limit yourself to a few positions you feel comfortable with or significantly slow down the pace. A high BMI has also been linked to potential problems with erectile dysfunction. Cardiovascular exercises like running, jumping rope, swimming and cycling will build up your aerobic stamina and enable you to perform longer before becoming fatigued, thus having better intercourse. They’ll also help manage your weight, possibly helping performance.

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    Triathlon symbol
      • Running – 10-20 minutes a day (1-3 miles a day is more than enough)
      • Jumping rope – 5-20 minutes a day
      • Swimming – 30 minutes a day
      • Cycling – 30 minutes a day

      The time in minutes denotes time spent actively performing the exercise, and you need to factor in a bit more time for warming up before and cooling down after the exercises.

      These exercises can be performed every day or every other day, and the goal is to work on both endurance and speed. Don’t just go at a snail’s pace; constantly try to improve your time or add some mileage.

      2. Strength-Training for Your Lower Body and Core

      The next thing you’ll need to focus on is improving both the strength and muscular endurance of the hip flexors, abdominals and spinal erectors. These are the muscles engaged in thrusting and circular motions, and they also stabilize your body in a number of different positions. The legs also play an important role, particularly in standing and kneeling positions. Here are a few exercises that will help you strengthen up this area:

      Barbell squats
        • Heavy barbell squats – set up at a power rack at the gym and make sure you use proper form and weights that you can lift 3-8 times. Do this exercise before anything else in the gym for 4-5 sets to get big and powerful legs, as well as tighten up the muscles of the core. This is useful for both men and women, particularly if you enjoy the woman-on-top positions and standing positions. You can do hack squats on the machine if your gym lacks a power rack, but you won’t get the core-strengthening benefits

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        Zercher squat
          • Zercher squatsthis type of squat is a perfect way for guys to strengthen their body for standing positions where the woman is lifted off the ground. Build up a foundation of strength first, and then use lighter weights and go for 10-12 repetitions to focus on muscle endurance.

          Glute bridge
            • Glute bridgethis exercise is great for working the glutes and hip thrusters, and should be done for ultra-high reps —up to 100 — to increase muscle endurance. Once you become stronger in this movement, you can upgrade to the barbell glute bridge and keep the reps high — around 10 to 15.

            Hyperextensions
              • Hyperextensions – excellent for strengthening the spinal erectors, this exercise (or a variation of it) may be done in most gyms and even at home. Do 2 to 3 sets of 10 to 12 repetitions at the end of your workout.

              Ab wheel rollout
                • Ab wheel rollout – this is a great exercise for strengthening the abs, and requires only a piece of inexpensive equipment. It will help you stay stable and hold positions longer without getting tired during intercourse. Do three sets of this workout for as many repetitions as you can.

                Cross body crunch
                  • Cross body crunchthis exercise improves your ability to perform explosive twisting motions, particularly good for improving your stamina in the spoon position where you’e lying on your side. Do 2 to 3 sets of this exercise at the end of your workout.

                  Incorporate these exercises into your routine 2 to 3 times a week.

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                  3. Upper-Body Strength Training

                  Upper-body strength plays an important role in many popular sex positions where the arms are used to provide a stable base or hold onto the partner. These including missionary, doggy style, the stand and carry (with the woman holding onto the man’s neck) and others. Use these simple exercises to improve upper body strength and endurance:

                  Plank exercise
                    • Plank – while bench pressing is great for building a big chest, you will find yourself in need of static strength, muscle endurance and a strong core. This exercise is a great way to increase the amount of time you are able to hold positions that require you to support yourself with your arms. For added difficulty, straighten out your arms like at the top of a pushup and hold as long as you can.

                    Close grip pushups
                      • Close pushups – a pushup variation that focuses on triceps, which are the first to give out during a prolonged missionary or similar position. Go for very high reps, 20 t0 50, to work on muscle endurance.

                      Chin ups
                        • Chin-ups – A great upper back and biceps builder, this exercise will also target the core if you try to be as straight as possible when lifting yourself up. You can jump to help make things easier, or just hold as long as you can if you aren’t strong enough to perform a single chin up. Do 3 to 4 sets for as many reps as you can.

                        These exercises, done about three times a week, will help you develop a strong upper body that can keep going and hold you up for extended periods of time.

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                        4. Pelvic-Floor Exercises

                        You don’t have to perform these at the gym, although you could do them after your workout without anyone even noticing. The idea behind Kegel exercises is to improve blood flow to the sex organs and strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor in both men and women. By locating these muscles and tightening and relaxing them for intervals of 5 seconds for 10 to 15 repetitions at a time, several times a day, you can improve pleasure and performance during sex. Women can tighten their vaginal walls for increased pleasure to both them and their partner, while men can delay ejaculation by tightening these muscles.

                        5. Flexibility Moves for Legs and Hips

                        Lion stretching

                          If you want to avoid getting cramps — or even worse, pulling a muscle during intercourse — you should do a few simple stretches every day. The more limber you are, the more comfortable you’ll be with more exotic poses. Here are a few simple stretches to improve hip and leg flexibility:

                          Take a few minutes to warm up with some light running or jumping jacks before stretching, and spend some 10 minutes on these stretches. You can do them in the morning and at night, or shortly before intercourse.

                          With just a few hours a week devoted to exercise, you can improve your relationship significantly. If you focus on these exercises, over time, you just might become dynamite in bed.

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