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Ten Things You Can Do To Feel More Attracted to Your Partner

Ten Things You Can Do To Feel More Attracted to Your Partner

Relationships invariably go through ups and downs. That’s perfectly normal but how do you deal with a phase of feeling less attracted to your partner?  Most relationships go through a “honeymoon” phase where everything is great and we are physically attracted to our partners but after approximately eighteen months, this phase tends to lessen. Making a decision based only on appearance is short sighted as many factors are involved in the longevity of a relationship. There are ways however, to feel more attracted to your partner again:

1. Redefine Attraction

How do you evaluate your partner’s attractiveness? Look at yourself in this process too. Attraction is more than just skin deep – there is companionship, emotional and intellectual compatibility. In order to feel more attracted to your partner, look at them as a whole and consider all the positive factors that contribute to the quality of your relationship.

2. Recognize Your Fears and Face Them

When you’re in the thicket of anxiety, it’s almost impossible to feel positive feelings towards your partner. Sorting out your own internal balance is required before the relationship can be resumed as before. Deal with your own stress levels and find strategies to maintain balance in your life. This allows positive feelings to flow back into the relationship and help you to reconnect with your partner. If your job is causing you stress, deal with the source rather than transferring the stress onto your relationship. This is the easiest option but it will most definitely cause long term damage to your relationship.

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3. Love Yourself

When we don’t like ourselves, we tend to project what we don’t like about ourselves onto our partners. The more we accept ourselves, the more tolerant we are of others around us. If there’s something that you don’t like about yourself, take responsibility and focus on improving yourself. Self development is vital, it gives us meaning and encourages greater contentment within ourselves and with others. Self love encourages positive regard and can promote an environment where we feel more attracted to our partners.

4. Remind Yourself Why You Fell in Love in the First Place

What attracted you to your partner in the first instance? Was it their kindness? Did they make you laugh? As time goes by, we can become complacent and focus on the irritations and negatives rather than what we enjoy and appreciate about our partners. Monotony invariably sets in and we are all subject to the routines of life like paying bills and housework. Make a conscious effort to focus on what you love about your partner and you’ll feel more attracted.

5. Improve the Mental and Emotional Connection

Communicate to feel more attracted! When we are emotionally and mentally connected, the physical connection is so much better. We all need an ally in life and feeling close and connected to someone is one of the free gifts that life gives us. Ensure you spend quality time together and talk about the important stuff, not just about the chores and what’s on the television. Get to know each other and stay connected. Do this on a regular basis and you increase the chances of maintaining attraction.

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6. Check For Any Underlying Health Concerns

Some health issues can affect libido. Anxiety and exhaustion can cause a lack of libido. Drugs and alcohol, hormonal issues, depression and getting older can all affect our sex drive. If lack of libido has been an issue for over three months, go see your GP to check whether there is a health issue that needs to be addressed.

7. Practice Gratitude – Cognitive Behavioral Modification

Remind yourself regularly of all the things you appreciate about your partner. Get into the habit of regularly telling your partner of the things they have done that you appreciate. Some of my clients leave each other post-it notes two or three times a week, telling their partner of three things they appreciate. It could be something as simple as making each other a cup of tea/coffee or it could be appreciation over thoughtfulness or patience. Feeling important and validated by your partner definitely leads us to feel more attracted.

8. Do Some Thrill Seeking Together

In a classic experiment conducted by Arthur Aron, researchers gave couples a list of activities that were “pleasant” (such as cooking, going to the cinema or going out with friends) or “exciting” (skiing, ice skating, bungi jumping or attending concerts) but that they had enjoyed only infrequently. Each couple was instructed to select one of these activities each week and spend 90 minutes doing it together. At the end of ten weeks, the couples who engaged in the “exciting” activities reported greater satisfaction in their relationship than those who engaged in “pleasant” or enjoyable activities together.

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Surprise and excitement are potent forces. When something novel occurs, we tend to pay attention, to appreciate the experience or circumstance, and to remember it. We are less likely to take our partners for granted when the relationship continues to deliver strong positive emotional reactions. Uncertainty sometimes enhances the pleasure of positive events and enables us to feel more attracted to our partners. For example, a series of studies conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia and at Harvard showed that people experienced longer bursts of happiness when they were at the receiving end of an unexpected act of kindness and remained uncertain about where and why it had originated. So, go ice skating, do something different and step out of your comfort zone together to reintroduce passion and connection.

9. Learn Each Other’s “Love Languages”

According to Gary Chapman, there are five languages of love. These are: quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation and physical touch. We all have preferences in the way we feel loved. For some of us, it is compliments (words of affirmation) and for others, it may be that spending quality time with their partner makes them feel loved. All five languages of love matter though and injecting these five elements into your relationship will promote closeness and help you to feel more attracted to each other.

10. Be Independent – Don’t Expect to Get All Your Needs Met by Your Partner

When we expect our partner to meet all our needs, we can end up feeling resentful when our partners are unable to meet our needs and expectations. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to be able to meet all your needs. Instead, be realistic – have a good group of friends and interests outside the relationship.

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Attraction and feeling connected in a relationship is something that needs to happen on an ongoing basis or else other things will ‘crowd’ it out and take its place. Behave your way to success. Like the old adage: Use it or lose it. Eschew predictability in favor of discovery, novelty and opportunities for unpredictable pleasure and feel more attracted in the long term.

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Mandy Kloppers

Mandy is a Psychologist/CBT therapist who believes getting through life is easier with a robust sense of humour.

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Last Updated on April 11, 2019

How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

Possessing strong communication skills will help you in every phase of your life. This is especially true in the workplace.

I have personally worked with several leaders who were masters of communication. A few were wonderful speakers who could tell a great story and get everyone in the room engaged. Those of us in attendance would walk away feeling inspired and eager to help with what came next. Others were very skilled at sharing a clear direction and job expectations.

I knew exactly what was expected of me and how to achieve my goals. This was the foundation of an energized and vibrant role I was in. What I have found is strong communication skills are incredibly helpful and sometimes critical in how well we perform at work.

Here we will take a look at how to improve communication skills for workplace success.

How Communication Skills Help Your Success

Strong communication skills pave the way for success in many ways. Let’s look at a few of the big ones.

Create a Positive Experience

Here are two examples of how well developed communication skills helps create a positive experience:

When I first moved to the city I now live in, I began a job search. Prior to my first live interview, I was told an address to go to. Upon arriving at the address provided, I drove around and around attempting to find the location. After 15 minutes of circling and looking for the address, I finally grabbed a parking spot and set out on foot.

What I discovered was the address was actually down an alley and only had the number over the door. No sign for the actual company. The person that gave me those very unclear directions provided a bad experience for me.

Had they communicated the directions to get there in a clear manner, my experience would have been much better. Instead the entire experience started off poorly and colored the entire meeting.

As a recruiter, I frequently provide potential candidates with information about a job I’m speaking to them about. In order to do this, I also provide a picture of the overall company, the group they might be joining, and how their role fits in and impacts the entire company.

Time and time again I have been told by candidates that I have provided the clearest picture of a company and role they have ever heard. They have a positive experience when I clearly communicate to them. Even when the position does not work out for them, often times they will want to stay in touch with me due to the open communication and beneficial experience they had during the interviewing process.

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Strong communication skills will provide a positive experience in virtually any interaction you have with someone.

Help Leadership Skills

It’s certainly a skill all its own to be able to lead others.

Being a mentor and guiding others towards success is a major hallmark of great leaders. Another characteristic of effective leaders is the ability to communicate clearly.

As I referenced above, having a leader who can plainly articulate the company’s mission and direction goes a really long way towards being the Captain of the boat that others want to follow. It’s like saying “here’s our destination and this is how we are going to get there” in a way that everyone can get on board with.

Another critical component of everyone helping to sail the boat in the right direction is knowing what your portion is all about. How are you helping the boat move towards its destination in the manner than is consistent with the leaders’ vision?

If you have a boss or a manager that can show you what it takes for not only you to be successful, but also how your performance helps the company’s success then you’ve got a winner. A boss with superior communication skills.

Build Better Teams

Most of us work in teams of some sort or another. During the course of my career, I have led teams up to 80 and also been an individual contributor.

In my individual contributor roles, I have been part of a larger team. Even if you are in business for yourself, you have to interact with others in one manner or another.

If you have strong communication skills, it helps to build better teams. This is true whether you are in an IT department with 100 other fellow programmers or if you own your own business and have customers or vendors you communicate with.

When you showcase your robust ability to communicate well with others while interacting with them, you are building a better team.

Now let’s jump in to how to improve communication skills to help you pave the way for your workplace success.

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How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

There are many tips, tricks, and techniques to improve communication skills. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much information, so let’s focus on the things that will provide the biggest return on your time investment.

Most of these tips will be fairly easy to become aware of but will take time and effort to implement. So let’s go!

1. Listen

Ever heard the saying you have two ears and one mouth for a reason? If you haven’t, then here’s the reason:

Being a good listener is half the equation to being a good communicator.

People who have the ability to really listen to someone can then actually answer questions in a meaningful way. If you don’t make the effort to actively listen, then you are really doing yourself and the other person a disservice in the communication department.

Know that person who is chomping at the bit to open his or her mouth the second you stop talking? Don’t be that person. They haven’t listened to at least 1/2 of what you’ve said. Therefore the words that spill out of their mouth are going to be about 1/2 relevant to what you just said.

Listen to someone completely and be comfortable with short periods of silence. Work on your listening skills first and foremost.

2. Know Your Audience

Knowing your audience is another critical component to having strong communication skills. The way you interact with your manager should be different than how you interact with your kids. This isn’t to say you need to be a different person with everyone you interact with. Far from it.

Here is a good way to think about it:

Imagine using your the same choice of words and body language you use with your spouse while interacting with your boss. That puts things in a graphic light!

You want to ensure you are using the type of communication most relevant to your audience.

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3. Minimize

I have lunch with a business associate about 3 times a year. We’ve been talking for several years now about putting a business deal together.

He is one of those people that simply overwhelms others with a lot of words. Sometimes when I ask him a question, I get buried beneath such an avalanche of words that I’m more confused than when I asked the question. Needless to say this is most likely a large portion of why we never put the deal together.

Don’t be like my lunch business associate. The goal of talking to or communicating with someone is to share actual information. The goal is not to confuse someone, it’s to provide clarity in many cases.

State what needs to be stated as succinctly as possible. That doesn’t mean you can’t have some pleasant conversation about the weather too.

The point is to not create such an onslaught of words and information that the other person walks away more confused than when they started.

4. Over Communicate

So this probably sounds completely counter intuitive to what I just wrote about minimizing your communication. It seems like it might be but it’s not.

What I mean by over communicating is ensuring that the other person understands the important parts of what you are sharing with them. This can be done simply yet effectively. Here’s a good example:

Most companies have open enrollment for benefits for the employees in the fall. The company I work for has open enrollment from November 1 to 15. The benefits department will send out a communication to all employees around October 1st, letting them know open enrollment is right around the corner and any major changes that year. There’s also a phone number and email for people to contact them with any questions.

Two weeks later, we all get a follow up email with basically the same information. We get a 3rd communication the week before open enrollment and another one 1 day before it starts.

Finally we get 2 emails during enrollment reminding us when open enrollment ends.

There’s minimal information, it’s more of a reminder. This is effective over communication.

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5. Body Language

The final critical component to how to improve communication skills for workplace success is body language. This is something most of us have heard about before but, a reminder is probably a good idea.

When I am in a meeting with someone I am comfortable with, I tend to kind of slouch down in my chair and cross my arms. When I catch myself doing this, I sit up straight and uncross my arms. I remember that crossing arms can many times be interpreted as a sign of disagreement or conflict.

In general, the best rule of thumb is to work towards having open body language whenever possible at work. This means relaxing your posture, not crossing your arms, and looking people in the eye when speaking with them.

When you are speaking in front of others, stand up straight and speak in a clear voice. This will convey confidence in your words.

Conclusion

Possessing strong communication skills will help you in many facets of your life and most certainly in the workplace.

Good communication helps create better teams, positive experiences with those we interact with, and are critical for leadership.

There are numerous tactics and techniques to be used to improve communication skills. Here we’ve reviewed how to improve communication skills for workplace success.

Now go communicate your way to success.

More Resources About Effective Communication

Featured photo credit: HIVAN ARVIZU via unsplash.com

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