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Ten Things You Can Do To Feel More Attracted to Your Partner

Ten Things You Can Do To Feel More Attracted to Your Partner

Relationships invariably go through ups and downs. That’s perfectly normal but how do you deal with a phase of feeling less attracted to your partner?  Most relationships go through a “honeymoon” phase where everything is great and we are physically attracted to our partners but after approximately eighteen months, this phase tends to lessen. Making a decision based only on appearance is short sighted as many factors are involved in the longevity of a relationship. There are ways however, to feel more attracted to your partner again:

1. Redefine Attraction

How do you evaluate your partner’s attractiveness? Look at yourself in this process too. Attraction is more than just skin deep – there is companionship, emotional and intellectual compatibility. In order to feel more attracted to your partner, look at them as a whole and consider all the positive factors that contribute to the quality of your relationship.

2. Recognize Your Fears and Face Them

When you’re in the thicket of anxiety, it’s almost impossible to feel positive feelings towards your partner. Sorting out your own internal balance is required before the relationship can be resumed as before. Deal with your own stress levels and find strategies to maintain balance in your life. This allows positive feelings to flow back into the relationship and help you to reconnect with your partner. If your job is causing you stress, deal with the source rather than transferring the stress onto your relationship. This is the easiest option but it will most definitely cause long term damage to your relationship.

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3. Love Yourself

When we don’t like ourselves, we tend to project what we don’t like about ourselves onto our partners. The more we accept ourselves, the more tolerant we are of others around us. If there’s something that you don’t like about yourself, take responsibility and focus on improving yourself. Self development is vital, it gives us meaning and encourages greater contentment within ourselves and with others. Self love encourages positive regard and can promote an environment where we feel more attracted to our partners.

4. Remind Yourself Why You Fell in Love in the First Place

What attracted you to your partner in the first instance? Was it their kindness? Did they make you laugh? As time goes by, we can become complacent and focus on the irritations and negatives rather than what we enjoy and appreciate about our partners. Monotony invariably sets in and we are all subject to the routines of life like paying bills and housework. Make a conscious effort to focus on what you love about your partner and you’ll feel more attracted.

5. Improve the Mental and Emotional Connection

Communicate to feel more attracted! When we are emotionally and mentally connected, the physical connection is so much better. We all need an ally in life and feeling close and connected to someone is one of the free gifts that life gives us. Ensure you spend quality time together and talk about the important stuff, not just about the chores and what’s on the television. Get to know each other and stay connected. Do this on a regular basis and you increase the chances of maintaining attraction.

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6. Check For Any Underlying Health Concerns

Some health issues can affect libido. Anxiety and exhaustion can cause a lack of libido. Drugs and alcohol, hormonal issues, depression and getting older can all affect our sex drive. If lack of libido has been an issue for over three months, go see your GP to check whether there is a health issue that needs to be addressed.

7. Practice Gratitude – Cognitive Behavioral Modification

Remind yourself regularly of all the things you appreciate about your partner. Get into the habit of regularly telling your partner of the things they have done that you appreciate. Some of my clients leave each other post-it notes two or three times a week, telling their partner of three things they appreciate. It could be something as simple as making each other a cup of tea/coffee or it could be appreciation over thoughtfulness or patience. Feeling important and validated by your partner definitely leads us to feel more attracted.

8. Do Some Thrill Seeking Together

In a classic experiment conducted by Arthur Aron, researchers gave couples a list of activities that were “pleasant” (such as cooking, going to the cinema or going out with friends) or “exciting” (skiing, ice skating, bungi jumping or attending concerts) but that they had enjoyed only infrequently. Each couple was instructed to select one of these activities each week and spend 90 minutes doing it together. At the end of ten weeks, the couples who engaged in the “exciting” activities reported greater satisfaction in their relationship than those who engaged in “pleasant” or enjoyable activities together.

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Surprise and excitement are potent forces. When something novel occurs, we tend to pay attention, to appreciate the experience or circumstance, and to remember it. We are less likely to take our partners for granted when the relationship continues to deliver strong positive emotional reactions. Uncertainty sometimes enhances the pleasure of positive events and enables us to feel more attracted to our partners. For example, a series of studies conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia and at Harvard showed that people experienced longer bursts of happiness when they were at the receiving end of an unexpected act of kindness and remained uncertain about where and why it had originated. So, go ice skating, do something different and step out of your comfort zone together to reintroduce passion and connection.

9. Learn Each Other’s “Love Languages”

According to Gary Chapman, there are five languages of love. These are: quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation and physical touch. We all have preferences in the way we feel loved. For some of us, it is compliments (words of affirmation) and for others, it may be that spending quality time with their partner makes them feel loved. All five languages of love matter though and injecting these five elements into your relationship will promote closeness and help you to feel more attracted to each other.

10. Be Independent – Don’t Expect to Get All Your Needs Met by Your Partner

When we expect our partner to meet all our needs, we can end up feeling resentful when our partners are unable to meet our needs and expectations. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to be able to meet all your needs. Instead, be realistic – have a good group of friends and interests outside the relationship.

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Attraction and feeling connected in a relationship is something that needs to happen on an ongoing basis or else other things will ‘crowd’ it out and take its place. Behave your way to success. Like the old adage: Use it or lose it. Eschew predictability in favor of discovery, novelty and opportunities for unpredictable pleasure and feel more attracted in the long term.

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Mandy Kloppers

Mandy is a Psychologist/CBT therapist who believes getting through life is easier with a robust sense of humour.

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Last Updated on December 10, 2019

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

Here’s the truth: your effectiveness at life is not what it could be. You’re missing out.

Each day passes by and you have nothing to prove that it even happened. Did you achieve something? Go on a date? Have an emotional breakthrough? Who knows?

But what you do know is that you don’t want to make the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past.

Our lives are full of hidden gems of knowledge and insight, and the most recent events in our lives contain the most useful gems of all. Do you know why? It’s simple, those hidden lessons are the most up to date, meaning they have the largest impact on what we’re doing right now.

But the question is, how do you get those lessons? There’s a simple way to do it, and it doesn’t involve time machines:

Journal writing.

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Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloguing every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing.

Journal writing is a useful and flexible tool to help shed light on achieving your goals.

Here’s 5 smart reasons why you should do journal writing:

1. Journals Help You Have a Better Connection with Your Values, Emotions, and Goals

By journaling about what you believe in, why you believe it, how you feel, and what your goals are, you understand your relationships with these things better. This is because you must sort through the mental clutter and provide details on why you do what you do and feel what you feel.

Consider this:

Perhaps you’ve spent the last year or so working at a job you don’t like. It would be easy to just suck it up and keep working with your head down, going on as if it’s supposed to be normal to not like your job. Nobody else is complaining, so why should you, right?

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But a little journal writing will set things straight for you. You don’t like your job. You feel like it’s robbing you of happiness and satisfaction, and you don’t see yourself better there in the future.

The other workers? Maybe they don’t know, maybe they don’t care. But you do, you know and care enough to do something about it. And you’re capable of fixing this problem because your journal writing allows you to finally be honest with yourself about it.

2. Journals Improve Mental Clarity and Help Improve Your Focus

If there’s one thing journal writing is good for, it’s clearing the mental clutter.

How does it work? Simply, whenever you have a problem and write about it in a journal, you transfer the problem from your head to the paper. This empties the mind, allowing allocation of precious resources to problem-solving rather than problem-storing.

Let’s say you’ve been juggling several tasks at work. You’ve got data entry, testing, e-mails, problems with the boss, and so on—enough to overwhelm you—but as you start journal writing, things become clearer and easier to understand: Data entry can actually wait till Thursday; Bill kindly offered earlier to do my testing; For e-mails, I can check them now; the boss is just upset because Becky called in sick, etc.

You become better able to focus and reason your tasks out, and this is an indispensable and useful skill to have.

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3. Journals Improve Insight and Understanding

As a positive consequence of improving your mental clarity, you become more open to insights you may have missed before. As you write your notes out, you’re essentially having a dialogue with yourself. This draws out insights that you would have missed otherwise; it’s almost as if two people are working together to better understand each other. This kind of insight is only available to the person who has taken the time to connect with and understand themselves in the form of writing.

Once you’ve gotten a few entries written down, new insights can be gleaned from reading over them. What themes do you see in your life? Do you keep switching goals halfway through? Are you constantly dating the same type of people who aren’t good for you? Have you slowly but surely pushed people out of your life for fear of being hurt?

All of these questions can be answered by simply self-reflecting, but you can only discover the answers if you’ve captured them in writing. These questions are going to be tough to answer without a journal of your actions and experiences.

4. Journals Track Your Overall Development

Life happens, and it can happen fast. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and look around at what’s happening to us at each moment. We don’t get to see the step-by-step progress that we’re making in our own lives. So what happens? One day it’s the future, and you have no idea how you’ve gotten there.

Journal writing allows you to see how you’ve changed over time, so you can see where you did things right, and you can see where you took a misstep and fell.

The great thing about journals is that you’ll know what that misstep was, and you can make sure it doesn’t happen again—all because you made sure to log it, allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes.

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5. Journals Facilitate Personal Growth

The best thing about journal writing is that no matter what you end up writing about, it’s hard to not grow from it. You can’t just look at a past entry in which you acted shamefully and say “that was dumb, anyway!” No, we say “I will never make a dumb choice like that again!”

It’s impossible not to grow when it comes to journal writing. That’s what makes journal writing such a powerful tool, whether it’s about achieving goals, becoming a better person, or just general personal-development. No matter what you use it for, you’ll eventually see yourself growing as a person.

Kickstart Journaling

How can journaling best be of use to you? To vent your emotions? To help achieve your goals? To help clear your mind? What do you think makes journaling such a useful life skill?

Know the answer? Then it’s about time you reap the benefits of journal writing and start putting pen to paper.

Here’s what you can do to start journaling:

Featured photo credit: Jealous Weekends via unsplash.com

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