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Suffering from a break-up? Six ways to turn your pain into gold.

Suffering from a break-up? Six ways to turn your pain into gold.

Break-ups can be painful. That’s why there are so darn many songs written about them.

Are you going through one right now? I bet you are feeling one (or more) of these feelings:

  • Angry at your ex- for letting you down.
  • Guilty for hurting your ex-.
  • Worried that you are making a mistake.
  • Sad that you failed.
  • Jealous that your ex- might be with someone else
  • Afraid that you will never find love that lasts.
  • Disgusted that you ever wasted your time on their sorry self.

When I left my ex-fiance, I felt most of these at various stages. Maybe one week would be a worried week, the next a sad week. Which one are you feeling right now?

With all of these negative feelings swirling around, it’s tempting to rue the day that you ever got into the relationship in the first place.

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But that would be a mistake. Because the truth is that each relationship is a key part of you “growing up” to become an adult in the world of love. They’re like classes toward your master’s degree in love, and then one day, when you have mastered the material, you get to graduate and have “the one.” Just like school, some classes are more fun than others, and no one likes finals. But the end result is worth it.

So save yourself some break-up angst and get busy figuring out what exactly is being taught in the curriculum of this ex-relationship. Here are some possibilities.

1. You sand down your rough edges.

Let’s face it, each one of us has aspects of our personalities that make us difficult to date. For me, I can be hyper-critical of my partner when he doesn’t do things my way. And, in case you were wondering, nit-picking does NOT lend itself well to a happy relationship. My criticalness contributed to several failed relationships until I finally learned how to get it in check and instead accept my partner as an equal. While learning this lesson certainly took a lot of time and heartache, it was well worth it to have my current relationship as great as it is.

What part of you needs to be tamed in order for you to be a good partner?

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2. You learn how to “do” relationships right.

After a few beers at a scientific conference, a professor in my Ph.D. program once told me that I should only date men who had been married once before. The first marriage, he claimed, was to figure out how to “do” marriage, so that you could get ready for your “real” marriage to your second spouse. While I disagree with much of his philosophy, I do agree that relationships take practice. Like making pancakes for the first time, you are likely to botch a few attempts before you figure out how it’s done. A failed relationship is the best way to learn what doesn’t work, and how to build a better one the next time around.

3. You learn what you are looking for.

Think back on the first person you had a crush on. Do you think you would have a crush on that person if you met them today? The answer is likely “no” and that is a very good thing. With each failed relationship, you learn something about who you are and what is important to you in a partner.

What did you learn from your last relationship?

4. You figure out your failure rituals.

As much as we may hate it, being alive means failing at a bunch of things. You wanted the cool kid to ask you to prom and he didn’t. You applied for a great job and didn’t get it. You wanted to fit into your size 4 jeans by memorial day and didn’t make it. There is a skill to picking yourself up from these failures and trying again. I recommend designing a “failure ritual” that is your go-to whenever you fail at something. It can involve things like listening to your favorite mourning songs, calling a trusted friend, writing a eulogy for the “death” of whatever you failed at, or taking a period of “down time” to fully process what happened.

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What will you design your failure ritual to be?

5. You learn how to tell the difference between fact and fantasy.

My friend recently suffered from a break-up in which she put her man on a pedestal. She found him to be so well-educated, successful, interesting and funny, that she reasoned he really was the perfect man. She chose to ignore the things he did that were less-than-stellar, like refusing to meet her family and never really giving her his full attention. But after the break-up, she could see him for what he really was: a decent man who was simply not that into her. Use break-ups as a wake-up call to help you learn where you tend to dupe yourself so that you can enter the next relationship fully aware.

Where do you tend to live in fantasy land?

6. You see that life can be impermanent, and that is OK.

Maybe you thought that this relationship was forever, and it turned out that it wasn’t. That’s OK. That’s life. Deaths and break-ups are good reminders to cherish the people you have in your life right now, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

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Who are you taking for granted right now in your life?

Break-ups can be painful, but if you compare the pain to all that you can gain from them, you will see that they are worth it. As soon as you feel comfortable, start to do an autopsy on the relationship. What were you supposed to learn from that relationship? What gems make it all worth it?

Write a note and share!

Love,

Samantha

Featured photo credit: Un-married/Paul Moody via flickr.com

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Last Updated on September 20, 2018

7 Powerful Questions To Find Out What You Want To Do With Your Life

7 Powerful Questions To Find Out What You Want To Do With Your Life

What do I want to do with my life? It’s a question all of us think about at one point or another.

For some, the answer comes easily. For others, it takes a lifetime to figure out.

It’s easy to just go through the motions and continue to do what’s comfortable and familiar. But for those of you who seek fulfillment, who want to do more, these questions will help you paint a clearer picture of what you want to do with your life.

1. What are the things I’m most passionate about?

The first step to living a more fulfilling life is to think about the things that you’re passionate about.

What do you love? What fulfills you? What “work” do you do that doesn’t feel like work? Maybe you enjoy writing, maybe you love working with animals or maybe you have a knack for photography.

The point is, figure out what you love doing, then do more of it.

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2. What are my greatest accomplishments in life so far?

Think about your past experiences and the things in your life you’re most proud of.

How did those accomplishments make you feel? Pretty darn good, right? So why not try and emulate those experiences and feelings?

If you ran a marathon once and loved the feeling you had afterwards, start training for another one. If your child grew up to be a star athlete or musician because of your teachings, then be a coach or mentor for other kids.

Continue to do the things that have been most fulfilling for you.

3. If my life had absolutely no limits, what would I choose to have and what would I choose to do?

Here’s a cool exercise: Think about what you would do if you had no limits.

If you had all the money and time in the world, where would you go? What would you do? Who would you spend time with?

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These answers can help you figure out what you want to do with your life. It doesn’t mean you need millions of dollars to be happy though.

What it does mean is answering these questions will help you set goals to reach certain milestones and create a path toward happiness and fulfillment. Which leads to our next question …

4. What are my goals in life?

Goals are a necessary component to set you up for a happy future. So answer these questions:

Once you figure out the answers to each of these, you’ll have a much better idea of what you should do with your life.

5. Whom do I admire most in the world?

Following the path of successful people can set you up for success.

Think about the people you respect and admire most. What are their best qualities? Why do you respect them? What can you learn from them?

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You’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.[1] So don’t waste your time with people who hold you back from achieving your dreams.

Spend more time with happy, successful, optimistic people and you’ll become one of them.

6. What do I not like to do?

An important part of figuring out what you want to do with your life is honestly assessing what you don’t want to do.

What are the things you despise? What bugs you the most about your current job?

Maybe you hate meetings even though you sit through 6 hours of them every day. If that’s the case, find a job where you can work more independently.

The point is, if you want something to change in your life, you need to take action. Which leads to our final question …

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7. How hard am I willing to work to get what I want?

Great accomplishments never come easy. If you want to do great things with your life, you’re going to have to make a great effort. That will probably mean putting in more hours the average person, getting outside your comfort zone and learning as much as you can to achieve as much as you can.

But here’s the cool part: it’s often the journey that is the most fulfilling part. It’s during these seemingly small, insignificant moments that you’ll often find that “aha” moments that helps you answer the question,

“What do I want to do with my life?”

So take the first step toward improving your life. You won’t regret it.

Featured photo credit: Andrew Ly via unsplash.com

Reference

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