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It May Be Time To End Your Relationship If These 14 Signs Show

It May Be Time To End Your Relationship If These 14 Signs Show

Relationships are a part of everyone’s life. As humans, we crave for companionship; a person to share experiences with, a person to touch and to be touched by, someone who will listen and someone who can make you laugh. Often, when we first meet someone, everything seems to click and that feeling of elation which seems to only exist in romantic comedies, becomes real life.

However, real life has ups and downs, and these can affect your relationship negatively. So, how do you know when the going is rough, but better times are around the corner, or if the relationship you are in is rearing its ugly head as a bad match? When your heart is invested, are there signs that your head should be able to see? The 14 signs listed below should aid you in figuring out if you need to make the tough decision of ending your relationship, or if grey skies are going to clear up.

1. You don’t want the same things in your futures.

It is certainly possible to be in love in the here and now and that is a wonderful thing. However, it is important to be able to talk about what you and your significant other want in the next few years. Where do you want to settle? Do you want children? Are you the same religion and if not do you care? If you find that you have opposing, non-negotiables that neither of you are willing to compromise on, it’s time to have an honest conversation about whether or not a prosperous future is realistic.

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2. Nothing you do makes your significant other happy.

If you are trying your hardest to make someone else happy and nothing you do is good enough, then you are giving your best to the wrong person. Time, energy, effort and love should not go unnoticed. It is not your fault if someone cannot see how wonderful and giving you are. If you have been in your relationship for a long time, try having an open and honest conversation where you express that you are trying your best and you feel like your efforts are going unseen. See how your mate responds. Perhaps he/she was just going through a selfish phase and the confrontation will snap him/ her back to reality. On the flip side, if you keep trying, and you are communicating but your attempts are not being reciprocated, its time to reevaluate. You deserve to be happy and to have your partner recognize you. Stand up for yourself and what you deserve. Respect and love yourself first! You will be a better person to the other people in your life when you feel happy and not defeated.

3. You constantly feel insecure.

Innately, we as humans go through insecure times. The people we are closest to, should be the one’s to remind us why we are fabulous! Thus, if your girlfriend/ boyfriend is the cause of your insecurity this is not a healthy relationship. Take a moment to write down a list of at least five things you believe you should be receiving from a healthy relationship. After you have done this, ask yourself honestly if your current partner is providing you with your list. Be aware of defense mechanisms! Are you making excuses for your woman/man? It will be important to be honest with yourself so that you can know if your relationship is healthy. Remember, being in a relationship doesn’t make you who you are. You have a right to feel secure and happy every day.

4. You find that you have nothing nice to say about your partner, when you talk about her/ him to your friends or family.

Depending on how long you have been together, the honeymoon period may by long gone. That being said, do you want to be in a relationship where you can’t find redeeming qualities to still rave about even after all these years? It may be a sign that you have grown out of your relationship if you (perhaps without noticing,) are always speaking negatively about it. Ask your friends and family for a reality check. They can tell you if you don’t seem happy anymore. Look at your life, are you content in your career and home? Are there changes in your life that you can have control over? Ask if the problem is you, or your relationship. Perhaps you are not in a good place in your life, or perhaps your relationship is no longer working. Listen to what you’re saying and decide if your pessimistic comments are a true reflection of your companion or is the attitude adjustment one that needs to come from within.

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5. You’ve been setting deadlines for your relationship to get better by and they keep passing.

You shouldn’t have to set deadlines for your relationship, you should be able to communicate and get on the same page at any time. Setting deadlines creates for unwanted insecurity. By putting a date in place that you need a verdict or an action by, you are creating a waiting time where you are likely to not be living in the moment but rather counting down until the zero hour. Life should be about gratitude for your current moment. Of course a sense of direction is important, but if we are living for a time and unknown answer, then we are missing the joys of daily ins and outs. Drop the deadlines, and get to the point. Live your days to the fullest and choose happiness today. If you both are focused and happy in the moment then the future deadline is unimportant.

6. You fight all the time.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that fighting for weeks on end is not healthy. Your relationship should be a wonderful part of your life, but it shouldn’t be your whole life. If simple things like, what to have for dinner, or what movie to see, are turning into fights, it’s time to ask what is really going on? Usually, there is a deeper issue. Communication is the key to success. Be adults and talk about your feelings and thoughts in a calm manner. It’s often not what you are saying but how you say it. So if your relationship is important to you both, you should be able to have an honest and productive conversation without the neighbors wondering if they need to call the cops.

7. You Cry All The Time

If you wake up every day with sorrow in your heart and tears in your eyes, something needs to change! Make a list of things that are bothering you. Ask yourself, ‘Why am I so sad? What is making me feel this way? How can I change?” If you find that your answers are revolving around your relationship then it may be time to choose happiness for yourself. You can only change yourself, you cannot change someone else. Make the choice to feel good inside and to cut out the things or people who are making you feel bad.

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8. Your Relationship is Negatively Impacting Other Areas Of Your Life

Do you find yourself being less productive at work? Are your friendships and family relationships suffering? Is your boyfriend or girlfriend at the base of these issues? A relationship is supposed to build you up, not drag you down. You should not find work, or friendships suffering due to your companion. Ask yourself what is more important, how you want to live your life, or how someone else tells you to live it. When we are kids we don’t like to be told what to do  by our parents. It should be the same when when you are in a an adult relationship. A partner shouldn’t be controlling you or decisions. In addition, the way you feel about your life shouldn’t be negatively effected by your significant other. Remind yourself what kind of relationship you want to be in and ask yourself if you are really living that. Don’t let your work suffer because of the mood you feel. Negativity feeds more negativity. You have to find a way to pull yourself out and that may be by starting fresh without a lousy partner.

9. You Never See Each Other

For some people long distance relationships work, but if you live in the same area and you can’t find time to see each other this may be an issue, especially if only one person is making all the effort. You should never have to put time and effort into a relationship if it isn’t being reciprocated. This causes for resentment, stress, anxiety and angst. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is constantly making excuses as to why he or she can’t see you, then ask yourself if this union is really a fit for you. Some people have an understanding with their companion that they only see each other a few times a week, as long as neither person feels let down by this, then that is great. However, if one person is feeling neglected, a conversation needs to be had, and a re-evaluation should be placed. Relationships take time, energy, effort and a mutual desire to want to spend time together. Make sure you’re the priority you want to be.

10. You Are Flirting With Someone Else

Some of us are naturally flirtatious people and it really means nothing. It is simply a banter or a way of expressing oneself. However, if you find that you are flirting and this is out of character, ask yourself if you are lacking attention in your relationship? Is your person making you feel special?  Or are you looking for attention from other people to fill a void. Have an honest conversation with yourself and then with your significant other. If you can’t be made to feel special then it could be time to change your status.

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11. You Don’t Trust Your Partner

Relationships should be built on trust, so if you are even questioning if you trust your spouse than you probably don’t. When we don’t trust people we can grow insecure and ultimately drive ourselves crazy creating realities in our minds that may or may not be true. No one needs, or deserves to spend their days consumed with questions about what their significant other is doing. Not trusting your partner will certainly cause you to drive yourself into a tizzy and will effect other areas of your life. You deserve to be in an honest and open relationship, make sure you’re getting the answers you need.

12. You’re Living On A Future Idea

There is no time like the present! If everything in your relationship is built around a concept that has never actually occurred then you are not living in the moment and merely consumed with an idea of what could be. You may never get that idea so be sure that you are happy now. You never know what would happen tomorrow.

13. You Find Yourself Lying

Having to create alternate realities to mask the one your in, is not ok. Eventually lies catch up with you and they certainly seep into other areas of your life. You should be proud, confident and secure enough to live in the life you are in. You shouldn’t have to make up lies and create a facade. If you’ve noticed yourself lying frequently about your relationship or your partner ask yourself why you are doing so. Maybe you are lacking some excitement, or perhaps you are covering up your unhappiness. Be honest with yourself and then be honest with your man/woman.  Remember too, he or she should not want you lying either!

14. You constantly say, “When X Happens, Everything Will Be Fine”

Assuming that when you buy a house, have a baby, get engaged or whatever major event your waiting for, will make your relationship better,  it’s not true. Major life events cause stress. You need your relationship to be strong and communicative before you step into a major event. Big changes can make everything seem better, they can also make life much harder. You need a strong foundation before you ‘build the house’. We cannot control tomorrow, but we can control today. So look at the here and now, and don’t assume that an unknown future is the solution.

Featured photo credit: Bad relationship- Po Yang via flickr.com

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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