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Feeling like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? 10 Ways to Be the Parent You Want to Be

Feeling like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? 10 Ways to Be the Parent You Want to Be

Parenting can be a rough ride. No matter how much we love our children, there will always be times when they stretch our patience to the limit. No one wants to lose control, but it can be difficult to stay calm, loving and logical when nerves are frayed and the two-year-old has just dropped the car keys into a sewage drain. These 10 tips will help keep your emotions in check when life hits the tipping point.

1. Maintain perspective

Is this a life or death situation? Is anyone going to lose a job, limb, marriage or bank account if the problem is not immediately resolved? Sometimes the answer is yes, and decisive – perhaps even aggressive – action is required. Usually, however, the stakes are much lower.

2. Act, don’t react

Children are incredibly talented at pushing buttons. Don’t let them goad you into a knee-jerk response. In particular, don’t allow yourself to be sidetracked by your child’s insulting language or by complaints about tangential issues. Focus on the primary problem; there will be time enough for the others some other day.

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3. The First Temper Tantrum to Manage is Yours

We tend to assume that hot-blooded parental anger is the result of misbehaving children. In reality, children seldom behave worse on angry days than on happy ones. The difference lies in the parent.

Exhaustion, stress at work, financial worries, poor eating habits and chemical mood swings can all change the way we react to our children. Learn to recognize your own temper tantrums for what they are. Resist the urge to pin the blame on someone else.

4. Look for Silver Linings

Every situation, no matter how grim, includes a few rays of hope and humor. Like the glowing sunbeams that light up the edge of storm clouds, these positive elements can help us find joy in the midst of crisis.

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Try to focus on the positive, even when it’s so miniscule as to be ludicrous: “Well, honey, the car broke down and now we have to walk five miles in the rain. But hey, at least you don’t have to take that math test today!”

5. Consider Pint-Sized Priorities

A popped balloon may not seem like a crisis to an adult, but ask any toddler and the answer will be quite different. Understanding your children’s priorities may not change your decisions as a parent, but it can help you not to go ballistic during a fifty-minute bout of adolescent self-pity. It can also help with Step 6.

6. Search for Holistic Solutions

A parent’s first response to squabbling siblings is often to enforce a parental decree. (“John, you take the orange cup. Mary, you’ll have to be happy with the blue one.”) The second instinct is to require a compromise, which is usually just a parental decree in disguise. (“Let’s switch off. John gets the orange cup today. Mary can have it tomorrow.”)

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Sometimes these techniques are appropriate and desirable, but often they keep us from reaching the ultimate goal: A solution that makes everyone happy.

Give John and Mary a chance to discover what they really care about. Is it the color of the cup? The size? Is there a patterned cup in the cupboard that Mary likes even better than the orange one? Would John be willing to give up the orange cup in exchange for a turn on Mary’s ipad? Get your children talking about solutions, and you’ll be surprised how inventive they are.

7. Decide not to be Bothered

Feelings aren’t a choice, but actions are. If your children’s bickering is getting on your nerves, by all means, take steps to alleviate it. But do so decisively, by creating and enforcing a rule. Do not allow yourself to become part of the squabble. Take a deep breath, remember that you are the parent, and take active control of your behavior.

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8. Make Eye Contact

It’s easy to yell instructions across the room while your arms are full of groceries – but it’s seldom effective. Slow down, free up your hands, and focus on one child at a time. If your child responds well to touch, place a gentle hand on her arm or shoulder. Speak in a normal tone of voice about what you’d like to have happen next. Create the option of eye contact, but do not force it.

9. Create Enough Space for a Resolution

When tempers are flaring, it can be hard to slow down and consider the needs of others. Help your children get along by deescalating the situation. This may require temporarily confiscating a disputed toy or sending children someplace where they can be alone, but it may also be as simple requiring that children don’t all talk at once. Make sure everyone has a chance to speak and be heard. Help each child to know that his needs are important.

10. Take Steps to Reduce Future Stress

The best time to solve a problem is before it even happens. After a crisis situation has been resolved, take time to ask yourself how things got so intense in the first place. Are there actions you could have taken to head off the conflict earlier? Do the children need more sleep, healthier food, or more one-on-one time with adults? Life is tough, and no one is perfect, but there’s always a silver lining: Every conflict gives us tools to help manage the next one.

Featured photo credit: ecerroni via morguefile.com

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Last Updated on August 10, 2020

10 Principles for Success to Live Your Dream Life

10 Principles for Success to Live Your Dream Life

Are you stressed out and overwhelmed, wishing you had more time to do the things that really matter? Are you ready to do something better, something special in your life or your career?

If you’re ready to do what you want in life, then the 10 principles of success are what you need to follow.

You were born with a gift that no one else in the world can express like you. When you dance to your own music, you naturally develop your innate abilities and excel in work and life. You are a total rock star. But when you live someone else’s idea of who you should be, it throws off your groove.

Many people—maybe you—stopped following their dreams way too early in life because their talents were ignored, minimized, or shamed. They didn’t have the chops to win an American Idol competition or nab an Olympic gold medal, so they stopped expressing their inborn gifts altogether.

You don’t need to be an award winner to rock your life. Living your dream life is about discovering your superpowers and feeling vibrant and joyful when you use them. It’s about owning what makes you unique and finding like-minded people to support you.

Here are 10 success principles to help you live a rich and rewarding life on your terms that have worked with thousands of people in my workshops and will work for you, too.

1. Get a Hobby to Move Closer to Your Dreams

If you never became a professional dancer or a world-renowned author, it does NOT mean you should stop dancing or writing! These activities make you come alive, even if you “only” do them as favorite pastimes.

Engaging in a hobby is one of the most important success principles you can follow to move closer to your dreams.

When you try something creative for the first time or in a long while, you begin to see opportunities at work and in life that you were unaware of before. You also feel happier and more energized, according to a recent study from New Zealand.[1]

Some of my most burned-out executive clients reinvigorated their careers by discovering a creative outlet that refueled them after the workday ended. Research at San Francisco State University shows that having a hobby lowers stress and helps you succeed at work.[2]

So, give yourself permission to try new things and revisit old passions you gave up long ago. Setting aside just one hour a week for personal exploration can significantly change your life.

Who knows? Your creative outlet could transform into a thriving business or lead to a new profession down the road.

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2. Focus on Your Strengths, Not Your Weaknesses

Did you know that you are more likely to succeed when you develop your natural strengths rather than work on your weaknesses? The problem is that you probably don’t know where your true talents lie.

Here are a few options to help you discover your unique strengths. You can:

  • Take the VIA Character Strengths Survey[3]
  • Try Gallup’s CliftonStrengths Assessment[4]
  • Answer a few Superpower Questions

Once you understand what makes you tick, you can use these skills at work and your personal life to get more done in less time. If you boost your unique abilities through practice and study, you can accelerate your career and become a leader in a field that matters to you. It’s worth investing in yourself this way.

3. Jumping off a Cliff is NOT Required

Here’s the deal: most people are too afraid to change. When participants first come to my workshops, they tell me they have mouths to feed, bills to pay, and fear that if they follow their dreams, someone will get hurt.

The old saying “leap and the net shall appear” does not comfort them. Because they are hesitant to plunge into the unknown, they believe their only option is to stay put where they are in life. Can you relate?

You do not have to sacrifice the life you have now to start a new one. I was a psychology professor by day and singer by night for years before I transitioned into a full-time music career.

Just take a little time out each week to do what enlivens you through a hobby, volunteer work, etc. Get a feel for it.

Is it what you really want? If so, increase the time you spend doing it and make the transition when the time feels right.

4. Give Your Inner Critic Some Love

The main culprit that keeps you from stepping outside your comfort zone and getting the life of your dreams is KCRP or K-CRAP – the radio station that plays 24/7 in your head. The moment you try to do something interesting with your life it slaps you down with such chart-topping killer hooks as “Who do you think you are?” and “You’ll never be good enough!”.

Have you ever noticed that KCRP’s mean-spirited DJ sounds like your parents, teachers, bosses, and other authority figures who shut you down creatively? These folks don’t need to stifle you any longer (although they often still do) because your inner critic does it for them. That keeps you stuck in a rut.

To break free, try thinking of this DJ as a gruff old grandfather who gives you crap to keep you safe. Remember, this grumpy grandpa is woefully out of touch with the times. So, his stern opinions don’t really matter much, do they? Give him a pat on the back for his good intentions, and put your focus back on what makes you come alive.

This success principle will give you the courage to venture into the unknown where you can dance to the beat of your own drummer.

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5. Embrace Your Inner Self

Many of us don’t go after our dreams because we’re afraid folks will find out how odd or strange we are. But our little eccentricities often turn out to be our greatest strengths. Yes, it’s good to be quirky.

Odds are, you lost track of your true passions and talents before you were even old enough to know you were getting off-track. You became slowly “adulterated” by learning to:

  • Take on family roles that don’t match who you really are.
  • Spit back what teachers taught you in school rather than risk getting bad grades for being original.
  • Hide parts of yourself that don’t seem acceptable to certain social groups.

The price for fitting in is that you may wind up leading a life that doesn’t fit you all that well. Your true calling becomes clear when you embrace what makes you different from others and allow yourself to stand out from the crowd, even if it feels awkward. Often, the very qualities you view as your flaws are your greatest gifts.

Here’s How to Listen to Your Inner Voice for Greater Fulfillment.

6. See the Bigger Picture to Find Your True Calling

I cannot stress the importance of this success principle enough. Your true calling is right in front of you. But you may miss it because you’re looking for it in the wrong place.

To “see” it clearly, try widening your point of view.

Case in point: Maria felt she needed to retire early from being a police detective, so she could travel abroad. I encouraged Maria to think of ways that she could continue to serve as a law enforcer (a career she loved) and travel overseas at the same time.

A few months later, Maria landed a job with the United Nations in Bosnia training the local police force to understand and embrace human rights procedures.

Like Maria, you are an everyday rock star capable of accomplishing greater things than you can imagine. Is what you’re looking for right in front of you, too? Do you have an inkling of what it may be?

Look beyond your day-to-day activities, your current job, and even the town you live in. View your life from an eagle’s perspective and be open to new possibilities.

7. Try a Little Wish-List Magic

Pretend I’m your fairy godmother and I give you permission right now to be your most magnificent self. What kind of life would be music to your ears? It doesn’t matter whether it seems unattainable or even downright crazy. Write it down on a wish list.

Get quiet. Be honest. Think big.

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What would you like your career, your relationships, your health, your finances, and your spiritual life to be like? Jot down enough details so that your wishes seem tangible to you. Then, look at this list every morning before you start your day and every night before you go to sleep.

Sounds silly? It’s not. It works! Permitting yourself to daydream about a rich and fulfilling life is the first step to manifesting it.

8. Take Breaks to Get Clues About Your Ideal Future

Did you know that working straight through to a deadline leads to diminishing returns? Research shows that taking a break for 15 minutes every 75 to 90 minutes can help you recharge, refresh your focus, and get more done in less time.[5]

Wait, it gets better! A Stanford study shows that walking increases your creative output increases by 60 percent. Doing repetitive activities such as walking, running, riding your bike, swimming, and sweeping allow solutions to problems to pop into your mind out of nowhere.[6]

What does this success principle have to do with creating your dream life?

These mini-breaks allow you to get vital clues for what to do next to attain your ideal future. Plus, you won’t waste precious time and energy getting lost in other people’s agendas.

9. Take Action on Your Inspired Ideas

Once an inspired thought pops into your mind, take action.

This is one of the most powerful success principles for turning your dreams into reality; the sooner the better. Whatever it is—from calling an old friend to taking a new route home—be sure to do it!

Pay attention to your oddball hunches. You need to go after what you want, not just dream about it. As comedian Jim Carrey warns,

“You can’t just visualize and go eat a sandwich.”

10. Count Your Rockstar Moments

Still not sure you have what it takes to get your dream life? This final success principle is guaranteed to help.

Make a list of everything you’ve ever accomplished. As you read back through it, put a star next to each item, and let it sink in.

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You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how good you’ll feel about yourself afterward. You’ll also see how effective you’ve been in the past at getting what you want. You’ve succeeded before, you can succeed again.

You already rock. You just need to own it. Trust me, you’ve got this!

Final Thoughts

Eleanor Roosevelt said,

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

Following these success principles will help you find the time and energy to do the things that really matter and live with clear intention.

By spending just one hour a week doing something you love, focusing on your strengths and achievements, embracing what makes you different, and acting on inspired ideas, you can create a life that is a perfect fit for you, step-by-step.

If you don’t have a clue about what your dream life could look like yet, don’t worry. Your heart knows. It has been “talking” to you for a long time. It’s just being muffled by KCRP, buried under a lot of “shoulds” and fear.

This article can also help you figure out the life you truly want to live: How to Get Motivated and Be Happy Every Day When You Wake Up.

Stand still, get quiet, and listen. It’s constantly telling you what you need to do to realize your own rockstar potential. It may be just a whisper now, but the more you pay attention to it, the louder it will get, and the easier it will be to follow.

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Featured photo credit: Rahul Dey via unsplash.com

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