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8 Unnecessary Worries That Can Ruin Your Relationship

8 Unnecessary Worries That Can Ruin Your Relationship

Relationships can be difficult, but they don’t have to be. One of the things that makes them difficult is when people worry obsessively over things they probably shouldn’t. What people worry about varies from person to person, but here are 8 common things that many people stress about that can ruin relationships. Think about it. Do any of these sound like you?

Do you worry that …

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1. Your partner might cheat.

Everyone wants to be their partner’s “one and only,” right? Somewhere, deep inside (or not so deep), we think that once we’re in our relationship, our boyfriend or girlfriend won’t even notice anyone else but us. But let’s think about this for a minute. No one becomes blind to attractive people in the world just because they start dating someone. It’s pretty normal, actually. But not everyone acts on their attraction. What you need to do is work on your self-esteem so that you think that if your partner wanted to cheat on you then they don’t appreciate a quality person like yourself, and so you wouldn’t want them anyway.

2. Your partner might break up with you.

Again, as I said in the first point, fearing that your boyfriend or girlfriend might dump you is rooted in low self-esteem. Plus, it’s just wasted negative energy. If you feel good about yourself, then you wouldn’t worry about them breaking up with you. You should think that you’re a real catch. Because you are! Have the attitude that your partner is lucky to have you. That way, you won’t put negative emotions out there and ruin the relationship.

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3. You’re not good enough for the partner.

Okay, you are going to start seeing a theme here. Self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem! It all comes down to having good self-esteem. If you think you’re not good enough for your partner, why do you think this? Do you think you’re too fat? Too short? Too uneducated? Too poor? Too shy? Too unattractive? And the list goes on. Well, get over it! Realize that you are good enough for your partner. I’ve heard many people say that the most attractive quality in a person is self-confidence. So, if a super model is unsure of herself, many men would find her “less attractive.” Conversely, if an average, overweight person exudes self-love and confidence, that is much more attractive.

4. Your partner is not good enough for you.

Or, maybe you have too much self-esteem. Okay, I think that’s an oxymoron. But, there is a fine line between having self-confidence and being egotistical. Actually, people who come across as egotistical don’t really love themselves. They just want to appear like they do, which is why they put so much effort into having other people focus on them. However, with that said, you need to accept and love your partner for who they are. Everyone is perfect in his or her own wayBut that doesn’t mean that everyone is perfect for you. If you don’t feel like the two of you are a good match, then move on! A happy relationship comes from compatibility and equality.

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5.Your partner’s friends and family don’t like you.

Hello? Self-esteem again? Why wouldn’t they like you? Are you a horrible person? Probably not! If they don’t like you, then one of three things are going on: (1) you really are a horrible person (probably not!), (2) they are a bad judge of character (maybe), or (3) they are just very, very different people than you are (think extrovert vs. introvert, or overly intellectual vs. not so much). And honestly, #3 is probably the most likely. If #3 is true, it’s really no big deal. So what if you’re different? If everyone was the same, then the world would be a very boring place.

6. Your partner prefers to be with other people over you.

I’m not going to say it again. You know what I’m thinking (yep, self-esteem issues). Okay, so even if your partner does spend a lot of time with his or her friends, family, or at work, does that mean that they don’t love you? Absolutely not! Everyone is different! An extrovert and an introvert have a very difficult time understanding each other. Extroverts love and need to spend time with a lot of people. Often. Introverts don’t need that. So it can seem like a personal rejection to the introvert, but it’s not. It’s just that you are different. Spending time with other people does not equal rejection!

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7. Your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore.

This one could be based in self-esteem, or it could be that a lot of time has gone by and your partner just doesn’t seem to be as sexually responsive to you as he or she did in the beginning of the relationship. Actually, that’s not an uncommon occurrence. But don’t fret. If you have gained weight or lost sight of taking care of yourself, then do something about it! But if it’s just a natural progression through different phases of a relationship, then don’t worry about it. You will settle into a natural rhythm. If you don’t, then talk about it and meet in the middle. And if that doesn’t work for you, then move on!

8. You don’t have enough sex (or too much).

As I said in #7, maybe it’s just a relationship phase. Or maybe one partner has physically changed a lot. Or maybe one partner seems like a nymphomaniac compared to the other’s sex drive. Either way, this situation calls for having an open, honest conversation. Communication is key to a good, healthy relationship. So if your sex life isn’t what you want it to be, then just talk to each other. Sharing perspectives helps clear the air and helps you both understand each other.

To sum it all up, remember two things. First, love yourself! You are beautiful (or handsome) and awesome! Don’t let any worrying mess up your relationship. If you don’t love yourself, then work on your self-esteem. It can be done! And second, worrying is like praying for something you don’t want to happen. Negative energy aimed toward your partner isn’t productive. It just adds to the problem. So love yourself, embrace the positive, and be happy.

More by this author

Carol Morgan

Dr. Carol Morgan is the owner of HerSideHisSide.com, a communication professor, dating & relationship coach, TV personality, speaker, and author.

How to Handle Emotional Blackmail in a Relationship What To Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You How to Stop Resentment from Ruining Your Marriage The 10 Stages of a Relationship That Every Couple Should Understand Can You Really Fix a Toxic Relationship (And How)?

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Last Updated on August 6, 2020

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

We’ve all done it. That moment when a series of words slithers from your mouth and the instant regret manifests through blushing and profuse apologies. If you could just think before you speak! It doesn’t have to be like this, and with a bit of practice, it’s actually quite easy to prevent.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napolean Hill

Are we speaking the same language?

My mum recently left me a note thanking me for looking after her dog. She’d signed it with “LOL.” In my world, this means “laugh out loud,” and in her world it means “lots of love.” My kids tell me things are “sick” when they’re good, and ”manck” when they’re bad (when I say “bad,” I don’t mean good!). It’s amazing that we manage to communicate at all.

When speaking, we tend to color our language with words and phrases that have become personal to us, things we’ve picked up from our friends, families and even memes from the internet. These colloquialisms become normal, and we expect the listener (or reader) to understand “what we mean.” If you really want the listener to understand your meaning, try to use words and phrases that they might use.

Am I being lazy?

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, a strange metamorphosis takes place. People tend to become lazier in the way that they communicate with each other, with less thought for the feelings of their partner. There’s no malice intended; we just reach a “comfort zone” and know that our partners “know what we mean.”

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Here’s an exchange from Psychology Today to demonstrate what I mean:

Early in the relationship:

“Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”

When the relationship is established:

“Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

It’s pretty clear which of these statements is more empathetic and more likely to be received well. Recognizing when we do this can be tricky, but with a little practice it becomes easy.

Have I actually got anything to say?

When I was a kid, my gran used to say to me that if I didn’t have anything good to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. My gran couldn’t stand gossip, so this makes total sense, but you can take this statement a little further and modify it: “If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

A lot of the time, people speak to fill “uncomfortable silences,” or because they believe that saying something, anything, is better than staying quiet. It can even be a cause of anxiety for some people.

When somebody else is speaking, listen. Don’t wait to speak. Listen. Actually hear what that person is saying, think about it, and respond if necessary.

Am I painting an accurate picture?

One of the most common forms of miscommunication is the lack of a “referential index,” a type of generalization that fails to refer to specific nouns. As an example, look at these two simple phrases: “Can you pass me that?” and “Pass me that thing over there!”. How often have you said something similar?

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How is the listener supposed to know what you mean? The person that you’re talking to will start to fill in the gaps with something that may very well be completely different to what you mean. You’re thinking “pass me the salt,” but you get passed the pepper. This can be infuriating for the listener, and more importantly, can create a lack of understanding and ultimately produce conflict.

Before you speak, try to label people, places and objects in a way that it is easy for any listeners to understand.

What words am I using?

It’s well known that our use of nouns and verbs (or lack of them) gives an insight into where we grew up, our education, our thoughts and our feelings.

Less well known is that the use of pronouns offers a critical insight into how we emotionally code our sentences. James Pennebaker’s research in the 1990’s concluded that function words are important keys to someone’s psychological state and reveal much more than content words do.

Starting a sentence with “I think…” demonstrates self-focus rather than empathy with the speaker, whereas asking the speaker to elaborate or quantify what they’re saying clearly shows that you’re listening and have respect even if you disagree.

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Is the map really the territory?

Before speaking, we sometimes construct a scenario that makes us act in a way that isn’t necessarily reflective of the actual situation.

A while ago, John promised to help me out in a big way with a project that I was working on. After an initial meeting and some big promises, we put together a plan and set off on its execution. A week or so went by, and I tried to get a hold of John to see how things were going. After voice mails and emails with no reply and general silence, I tried again a week later and still got no response.

I was frustrated and started to get more than a bit vexed. The project obviously meant more to me than it did to him, and I started to construct all manner of crazy scenarios. I finally got through to John and immediately started a mild rant about making promises you can’t keep. He stopped me in my tracks with the news that his brother had died. If I’d have just thought before I spoke…

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