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8 Key Ingredients for a New Successful Relationship

8 Key Ingredients for a New Successful Relationship

Every relationship has a beginning. And it’s in that time that you set the mood for the rest of the relationship. I’m not talking about the first date, or even the third or fifth. I’m talking about once you are in steady relationship with someone you want a future with. This time is crucial to the health of your relationship. This is when you are really getting to know each other and it’s fun and exciting.

If you are both dedicated to making this relationship last, here are 8 great tips to make sure you’re both on the same page and that you are both striving for a successful relationship.

1. Clarify Expectations

Be upfront with each other about what you want out of the relationship. If you expect something but never tell the other person, don’t be surprised when your expectations are never met. Unmet expectations become a point of contention in many relationships. Just be open and honest with each other from the start.

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2. Work Towards a Common Goal

No matter how much you like someone or how much fun you have when you’re with them, if you aren’t working towards a common goal together, the relationship will fail. What do you want this relationship to mean? What do you want it to accomplish? These are important questions that need to be asked. Don’t assume the other person can read your mind. Talk to them.  

3. Forgive Each Other

Forgive and embrace lessons and experiences from each other’s past. We all come with baggage. Learn to forgive each other and yourself for mistakes made in the past or present. This also means that your learn from your mistakes and try not to do them again. As you both grow and make changes for the better together, you will strengthen your relationship.

4. Live in the Moment

Life is happening right now. Make memories together every day. The beginning of a relationship sets the mood for what the relationship will be like in the future. Set high standards for your relationship. When my husband and I first started dating we both expressed the importance of being healthy and active. So, we went out and did things every weekend. We would go jeeping, hiking, swimming, snow shoeing, we even spontaneously joined a polar bear plunge for charity. (That’s when you pay money to jump into a lake that was literally frozen over that morning. Yeah, it was cold, but it’s an awesome memory that we have and love to look back on.) Make sure you are having special experiences together.

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5. Take an Interest in Each Other’s Hobbies

I love to dance and my husband loves fish. My husband is not a dancer and fish scare me. But we have compromised. My husband takes me dancing on some of our date nights and he puts forth an effort to learn. I let him have fish tanks as long as he cleans them and never own an eel. (Those things freak me out!) I also talk to him about his fish and, honestly, I have learned a lot!

It can be fun to take an interest in each other’s hobbies because you get to learn something new and you get to make your partner happy.

6. Prepare for the Future

I know so many couples that look at dating as play time. They spend money like crazy and when they decide to get married, they are already in debt. While dating is a fun time, you still need to be responsible and try to plan for your future. Don’t get in the habit of spending money you don’t have. Stay out of debt.

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7. Pace Yourselves

The same pace doesn’t work for every couple. Some people need a lot of time; others, not so much. My husband and I started dating, eight weeks later we were engaged, four months later we were married. At our one-year anniversary I was six-months pregnant with our first child. We moved a lot faster than most people, but it was right for us. We talked and we were both OK with the pace we had set. Five years later, we’re still going strong and neither one of us regrets anything. (I should probably point out that we had known each other for just over a year before we started dating.)

If you’re uncomfortable with how quickly or slowly things are moving along, say something.

8. Learn to Communicate

Always talk with each other. In a healthy relationship you should be able to talk to each other about anything. Before going into a relationship you have to understand that there will be hard conversations. There will times when you don’t agree with each other. But always make sure that you are there to listen to one another.

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Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

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2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

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Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

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12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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