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13 Things You Need to Forget If You Want To Be Likable

13 Things You Need to Forget If You Want To Be Likable

“We shouldn’t require our politicians to be movie stars. Then again, we’re all influenced by charisma. It’s hard not to be. We all collectively fall for it.”   – Julianne Moore

The ability to be “likable” has been a long-sought after personal trait. Long before we could remember, we’ve learned that being likable gets us rewarded.

We learned that we’d get treats from our parents and adults when we made them smile, and were sent to our room if we upset others.

We learned that being part of a group meant support and affirmation, and being alone (probably) meant that there was “something wrong” with us – we were probably infected with the plague but we didn’t know – that’s why everybody shunned us.

In essence, being likable meant that we would get something we wanted – sometimes way faster and easier.

It was reward, it felt good… and it helps us get ahead

So, here thirteen ways to help you do just that:

1. Forget about Hogging Attention

People love it when they feel cared for and important. That’s why so many of us are programmed to ‘want’ attention.

The irony is that the more you try to hog attention for yourself, the more off-putting you become.

Conversely, you become more likable as you give people the time, space and attention to share who they are and what’s important to them.

Think back to a time when you’ve had some of the best conversations with some of the most remarkable and charming people in your life – weren’t they the ones who gave you the space and time to speak your mind, talk about your day and how you felt? Weren’t they also the ones who picked up on what you said and related back to it? I’m guessing that you were probably the one who did most of the talking, and they did most of the listening.

Being likable doesn’t really require lots of work, really. Sometimes, it’s as easy as reversing the role of the speaker and listener.

2. Forget about Pleasing Everybody

“I’ve learned that it’s not our job to make other people happy” – Steve Harvey, American Comedian and

Truly likable people are comfortable with who they are. They are relaxed and comfortable in their own skin, their strengths and weaknesses.

They recognize that no matter how hard they try, they will never be perfect, and they’re comfortable being vulnerable and being real.

Brene Brown, a psychologist and researcher who studied and wrote extensively on the topic of being vulnerable and authenticity, shares that learning about and being able to accept our vulnerabilities actually helps strengthen our personal identities, but also the way we relate and connect with people.

Whilst being “real” may not help you win everybody over, it will certainly help you win over the people who matter – and I, and I believe like many others, have learned through experience that being authentic and sincere is a big draw when it comes to likability as a person.

3. Forget about Where You ‘Should’ Be At and Focus on Where You Are At

The Dalai Lama once shared that people have a tendency to think about work, when they are at pleasure, and think about pleasure when they are at work.

The result is that the person finds neither satisfaction nor happiness when they are at work or at play.

Our inability to be present affects our internal balance, without which we are unable to experience peace of mind and joy.

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Being constantly distracted also affects our ability to pay due attention to the people we are with, and prevents you from fully and freely expressing who you are.

Being present – being in the moment – provides you with an immense advantage when it comes to connecting and relating to people, and we will do well not to squander that opportunity.

4. Forget about How Much Money You’ve Got

The worth and dignity of a person transcends beyond the the amount of money they have in their wallet.

Yet, there are people in the world who appear to measure the worth of a person by the amount of money they have.

If you’ve seen this social experiment, you’d probably agree on who the dirt bags are – and there’s a fair chance they’re not very likeable with the average person either.

The irony of the matter is that to those who judge others based on how much money they have, they too will be judged by others (and themselves even) when they come across a richer person like them.

Truly likable people do not measure the worth of a person based on money – they relate to the common man or woman and see money as a tool to get things done.

Manny Pacquiao, anybody?

5. Forget About Hoarding . . .

Money;
Food;
Nice clothes.
Whatever.

Don’t get me wrong. Money and food are important. So are friends, family, people, moments, memories and emotions.

Some things come with a price. Others are priceless.

After fighting the best part of a decade crafting my career since my days in college, I’ve found the last four months of my life to be the most rewarding and hugely invigorating.

That’s not because I’ve finally achieved financial freedom. Far from it.

Rather, I’ve learned to invest some of my best resources by giving it all away to the people who matter.

That means, as a career speaker, sharing with a group of people, investing more time to catch up with old friends and even investing time and money to hang out with family.

While I was pleasantly surprised by how rewarding it was to actually spend more time giving away, I wasn’t surprised when I realized the effect that had on me and the people around me – I was happy, and I was able to bring that emotion to the people around me.

Moral of the story: There’s a higher chance that people like hanging around real, happy people. Don’t you?

6. Forget About Listening to Reply; Listen to Relate

“Nobody cares about how much you know, until they know how much you care”

Too often, we get so trapped in trying to respond with something clever to say, that we neglect to consider and relate to how another person is feeling

People are essentially emotional creatures, and the best way to connect with an individual, is to relate to how he/she feels.

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So, instead of responding to what a person says, with what you know, it is probably more prudent to consider first how they are feeling and why they are saying what they are saying before responding.

Better still if you can draw upon a similar experience and relate to similar emotions.

I’ve personally experienced the benefit of having others open up and share more with me, simply by relating to and talking about how they feel. The amount of air time I had compared to the other party was low, but the level of connection the other party felt towards me couldn’t have been higher, and I credit to to actually listening to relate.

7. Forget About Whining (All the Time)

Nobody likes to feel lower than they are really feeling, especially if they’re already feeling pretty high.

So going to a party or gathering and dousing your negative emotions on an crowd is a huge no-no.

Sure, it’s fine if you gripe and rant a little, or update your friends on how you’re coping with the lows in your life

Yet, it’s our personal responsibility to manage our emotions and learn when it is to stop.

So if you must blow off some steam, learn to turn off the tap and redirect attention and conversation to a happier subject for discussion.

People like and are drawn to other well-balanced and mature individuals.

8. Forget about Keeping Score. . .

Keeping track of how much you’ve done for a person, or how much they owe you is not going to help you become more likable. Far from it.

Nobody likes a calculative nut, who goes the distance to make sure everything between you and him is accounted for.

No, a relationship is not an audit, it’s not a test and it doesn’t require a score.

There’ll be times when you’ll pick up the tab, and there’ll be times when they do.

Reciprocity is like a hug and a handshake – it requires both parties to reach out to each other and a deeper connection is made.

The only time you see a scoreboard is during a competition and I can assure you that both camps aren’t the best of friends when the scores are being taken.

9. Forget about being a Perfectionist

So often, we try so hard at trying to be perfect, and expecting things to be perfect that we forget that to err is human.

That’s not to say that we allow should ourselves to be slipshod, especially at our work. Far from it.

Rather, this is a reminder that, whilst we hold ourselves to highest of standards, we should cut ourselves and others some slack when mistakes are made.

Freeing ourselves up from being a perfectionist allows our moods and minds to relax and better appreciate spontaneity. We move away from facts and numbers, and more towards people and emotions – and hence connect better.

Nobody appreciates being around high-strung people.

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Do you?

10. Forget about Bonding Over Your Phone

Texts, Email, Apps and Games. . .  technology has helped bring people together, yet it has also separated so many of us at the same time.

There are so many distractions placed in the power of our hands these days that good, old-fashioned conversations have begun to fade away.

Therein lies the paradox of communication and relationships; the more we try to express ourselves with the help of technology, the harder it is for us to build deeper and meaningful connections.

Relationship experts like Gary Chapman and Brene Brown share that healthy relationships require time to build, and that time (and patience) is needed for people to explore and learn more about each other – a concept I term as “building depth.”

It is my assertion that distractions, such as those from our mobile phones, promote our exploration of “breadth” in experience and less understanding in “depth” in relationships and personalities.

The good news here, however, is that a remedy is fairly simple: dedicate no-phone time during your interactions with people, and give them your full attention.

Leadership speaker, John C. Maxwell wrote that people want to know that they are “appreciated, understood and respected. . .” One cannot feel respected, appreciated and will feel far less understood if the person they’re speaking to prefers to hang out with a machine/device rather than them.

Likable people understand that, and choose to give a part of their lives – time – to people they are speaking to.

That’s a small gesture that makes a huge difference in the way you connect with people and how others perceive and receive you.

11. Forget about Passing Judgement

Forming opinions of people is a double-edged sword. Our ability to “read” people is a survival instinct which helps us identify quickly who are the people we “can” trust, and how are those we “can’t.”

I’ll be the first to raise my hand and confess that I’ve been guilty of this many times. It’s a job hazard.

Yet, recognizing that I’m prone to this, has helped me set aside my opinions of people, and have enabled me to explore and learn from and more about the people I speak to.

The ability to set aside opinions of people has helped me project a sincere curiosity in the different personalities, strengths and the unique stories behind each person.

Everybody has a unique story to tell. It is our responsibility to sieve out those stories, manage how we behave, and derive constructive lessons from it.

In the rare instances when you encounter an obnoxious brat however, it is perfectly fine to walk away.

Just be careful though, that if you find 9 out of 10 people to be dead boring or negative – the problem might probably lie with you!

12. Forget about Winning the Argument

Unless you’re taking part in a debating contest or your job actually involves trying to win an argument, it is perfectly fine NOT to win an argument an all the time.

Some would say that it’s that argument that makes life interesting, and that may be true.

However, it is also true that many people hate to be seen as “wrong”, or worse to feel that they are being “stonewalled” and “trapped” in a corner because all their arguments to escape have been sealed.

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Likable people are capable of engaging others in a myriad of topics and explore various perspectives to a matter.

They are able to see the serious and funny side of different ideas, and aren’t afraid to explore perspectives that are different from their own.

That, is a form of adventure – and brings pleasure not to himself, but also to others.

So, when they converse or “argue” with others, it’s not so much about winning, but more of learning, exploring… and above all having fun.

Wouldn’t you agree? No? Sure, whatever you say; you win.

13. Forget about Trying to Get Something In Return

I know I promised that we’d be able to get what we want if we were likable.

Yet, the paradox to this is to actually expect something in return.

When it comes to being likable, people want to know that they are important.

We have all been primed to beware of the stranger who comes up to us and offer us candy when we were a child – we know that something’s not right, and we’ll have our defenses up.

To be nice to somebody just because you want something from them is a form of treason, because it suggests that you merely see the relationship with them as a transaction.

It’s superficial, it’s easy, and it’s cheap.

Likable people see relationships differently. They care genuinely for others, many times giving freely to others and expecting nothing in return.

That’s not to say that they enjoy being taken for granted, no.

Rather, they enjoy giving and blessing others with what they have, within their means, and come out all the richer for it.

I’ve learned, that when people like these do require help, they receive much more in return, not merely because they’ve asked for it, but because others feel genuinely inclined to reciprocate.

Conclusion

Through my research, work and experience, I’ve come to believe that building deep meaningful connections and relationships is probably one of the most sought after yet most underrated skills and abilities of our time.

That ability to be likable, not only helps us in our work, but also nourishes our relationships with people.

As an entrepreneur and educator who started his career at the age of 20, ten years ago, I’ve used some of these techniques to great effect. They have helped to accelerate my career and personal achievements – which is why I believe they too can work for you.

Now as we go about our work and life, I sincerely hope that they too work as well for you as they have for me over the last ten years.

It is my hope as well, that as you connect with more people and open more opportunities, that you too can hone, share and spread your gifts with those who need it.

At the end of the day, you don’t have to be likable to get ahead, but it certainly won’t hurt if you are.

Featured photo credit: atrapadoenunpueblo via flickr.com

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Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

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Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

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Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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