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12 Reasons Why A Relationship Might Not Be The Right Move For You Right Now

12 Reasons Why A Relationship Might Not Be The Right Move For You Right Now

Sometimes it may feel like everyone but you is in a successful relationship. I promise you, you are not alone. Whether you are looking for love or are in a relationship but worry they may not be “the one”, it could be the times not right for you to be in a relationship.

Here are 12 reasons why a relationship might not be the best move for you right now.

1. You are a hot mess and need a savior.

You feel a void in your life and you want it filled. You love the excitement you feel at the beginning of a relationship and convince yourself you will be happy once you’re in a relationship.

The initial feelings in a relationship are short lived. Everything is shiny and new but once the newness wears off you are often left with holes in your apple pie sky.

Trying to fill a void in yourself with another person makes you vulnerable to getting involved with the wrong person. The only way you can fill a void in yourself is through fulfilling your own happiness.

Work on finding things you enjoy doing without a partner. Once you can fill your own void, you will be ready for a relationship.

2. You are addicted to being the hero.

You get involved with people who have issues. Maybe they are fresh out of a breakup or have other problems such as drugs or alcohol.
In the beginning, they rely on you and appreciate you. Your self-worth inflates with the attention. As they get better, they need you less and less and you begin to feel used.

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Self-worth begins and ends within you. Relying on others for your worth puts you at risk of co-dependency. For a relationship to work, both you and your partner need to be emotionally healthy.

3. You have a habit of picking people who are wrong for you.

You pick the wrong type of people to get involved with. Your friends warn you but you assure them you know best. It’s different with you because you are the one that can change the person your friends are warning you about.

You won’t change them. Look within yourself to better understand why your choices are risky. It could be you’re subconsciously not ready for a real relationship so you pick people that will sabotage any chance of a lasting romance.

4. You still put pins in a voodoo doll that has a remarkable resemblance to your ex.

If you’re still fuming about something someone else did to you, it is not a good time to be in a new relationship.

Old lovers must remain in the past for a new love to have a chance. Not only will a new love get tired of hearing how you were wronged, but you are at risk of punishing your new love for something an old love did to you.

Fresh love means fresh start. You have to forgive an old flame and let it go before you can move forward. If you are still holding a grudge, it is not the time to be in a relationship.

5. You think you like him and her.

If you are questioning your sexual orientation you need to be honest with yourself before you can be in a relationship. Trying to be in a relationship because you are supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex is not only harmful to you but it will hurt your partner.

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Happiness and fulfillment of life happens when you are true to your heart. You cannot be happy pretending to be someone you are not and a partner will always feel like something is missing.

6. Your clothes still smell like your ex.

If the scent of your ex is still lingering it is probably too soon to begin a new relationship. Put space between old and new relationships so that you can be emotionally healthy to start something new.

If you were with someone for a long time then it will take time to get to know yourself again. Starting a new relationship before you understand who you are is a bad idea.

If you’re already in a relationship and have doubts, it may be time to take a break until you sort out what you really want out of life and a relationship.

7. You’re not ready to tell a new friend how you accidentally spent a weekend in jail for indecent exposure when you were drunk and peed on the sidewalk.

If you’re not ready to fully disclose things about your life then you are probably not ready for a relationship. Relationships are built on trust and secrets hurt both you and your partner in the long run.

That doesn’t mean that you should be an open book before you know if you have a real connection with someone. Too much too soon can backfire.

The right time for disclosure is when both you and your partner express an interest in exploring the possibilities of a relationship. If you are already in a relationship and have things you are keeping secret it’s time to fess up. If you’re not ready, it may be time to break away until you are ready.

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8. You have wanderlust and can’t imagine another winter in this sleepy town.

Maybe you feel a calling for new scenery or maybe a job transfer is on the horizon. If there is a possibility you may move in the next few years you should wait to have a relationship.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner does not express excitement over the possibility of a move, you should have a serious discussion about your future. If you are not on the same page, cutting ties may be the best case scenario.

9. Your theme song is I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry.

Many people jump into a relationship because they don’t like being alone. This is no reason to start a relationship or to remain in one that isn’t right. Being in a relationship does not make a happier life and sometimes it does just the opposite. It’s important to love when you are ready, not because you are alone.

Lonely people tend to justify relationships that are not healthy for them or their partner.

10. You’re five year plan includes working your way from your cubicle to the penthouse.

Relationships are a full time job. If you are on a career fast track, realistically you may not have time for a relationship. Getting involved before you are ready will cause conflict within yourself and within your relationship.

Wait until you have time to spend on a relationship before diving into one. Things will happen the way they are supposed to and you will know when the time is right.

11. You want to keep your cake and eat it too.

If you are not ready to fully commit heart and soul to one person it’s not time. Too often we are not over past loves or are interested in two people at the same time.

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If you are conflicted and still have feelings for someone, you should consider dating and developing friendships, but wait until you have resolved the conflicts in your heart before you commit to anyone. You’re indecisiveness should not be a reason to break another’s heart.

12. You want your Facebook status to read something other than “it’s complicated”.

All of your friends have found “the one” and you haven’t. This can make you feel pressured to find someone so you don’t feel like an outcast.

Many times, this sets up conditions for an unhealthy relationship by trying too hard to be in that relationship. It can also scare away someone you really care about.

You should be with someone because you enjoy being with that person. If you try too hard to have a relationship, your new partner may feel like you’re in it for the wrong reasons and bolt.

Relationships are hard work. If you are not in a place where you are emotionally secure in yourself and have the time to spend on a relationship it is probably not the right time in your life to be in one. Timing is everything and just because the time is not right at the moment, doesn’t mean it will always be that way.

When the time is right, the relationship will find you.

Featured photo credit: Image by Henning Mühlinghaus via flickr.com

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Missy Yost

Missy enjoys decorating, capturing the beauty of her surroundings on canvas, and making new friends. She shares about lifestyle tips on Lifehack.

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Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

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Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

More Resources About Job Interviews

Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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