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12 Reasons Why A Relationship Might Not Be The Right Move For You Right Now

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12 Reasons Why A Relationship Might Not Be The Right Move For You Right Now

Sometimes it may feel like everyone but you is in a successful relationship. I promise you, you are not alone. Whether you are looking for love or are in a relationship but worry they may not be “the one”, it could be the times not right for you to be in a relationship.

Here are 12 reasons why a relationship might not be the best move for you right now.

1. You are a hot mess and need a savior.

You feel a void in your life and you want it filled. You love the excitement you feel at the beginning of a relationship and convince yourself you will be happy once you’re in a relationship.

The initial feelings in a relationship are short lived. Everything is shiny and new but once the newness wears off you are often left with holes in your apple pie sky.

Trying to fill a void in yourself with another person makes you vulnerable to getting involved with the wrong person. The only way you can fill a void in yourself is through fulfilling your own happiness.

Work on finding things you enjoy doing without a partner. Once you can fill your own void, you will be ready for a relationship.

2. You are addicted to being the hero.

You get involved with people who have issues. Maybe they are fresh out of a breakup or have other problems such as drugs or alcohol.
In the beginning, they rely on you and appreciate you. Your self-worth inflates with the attention. As they get better, they need you less and less and you begin to feel used.

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Self-worth begins and ends within you. Relying on others for your worth puts you at risk of co-dependency. For a relationship to work, both you and your partner need to be emotionally healthy.

3. You have a habit of picking people who are wrong for you.

You pick the wrong type of people to get involved with. Your friends warn you but you assure them you know best. It’s different with you because you are the one that can change the person your friends are warning you about.

You won’t change them. Look within yourself to better understand why your choices are risky. It could be you’re subconsciously not ready for a real relationship so you pick people that will sabotage any chance of a lasting romance.

4. You still put pins in a voodoo doll that has a remarkable resemblance to your ex.

If you’re still fuming about something someone else did to you, it is not a good time to be in a new relationship.

Old lovers must remain in the past for a new love to have a chance. Not only will a new love get tired of hearing how you were wronged, but you are at risk of punishing your new love for something an old love did to you.

Fresh love means fresh start. You have to forgive an old flame and let it go before you can move forward. If you are still holding a grudge, it is not the time to be in a relationship.

5. You think you like him and her.

If you are questioning your sexual orientation you need to be honest with yourself before you can be in a relationship. Trying to be in a relationship because you are supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex is not only harmful to you but it will hurt your partner.

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Happiness and fulfillment of life happens when you are true to your heart. You cannot be happy pretending to be someone you are not and a partner will always feel like something is missing.

6. Your clothes still smell like your ex.

If the scent of your ex is still lingering it is probably too soon to begin a new relationship. Put space between old and new relationships so that you can be emotionally healthy to start something new.

If you were with someone for a long time then it will take time to get to know yourself again. Starting a new relationship before you understand who you are is a bad idea.

If you’re already in a relationship and have doubts, it may be time to take a break until you sort out what you really want out of life and a relationship.

7. You’re not ready to tell a new friend how you accidentally spent a weekend in jail for indecent exposure when you were drunk and peed on the sidewalk.

If you’re not ready to fully disclose things about your life then you are probably not ready for a relationship. Relationships are built on trust and secrets hurt both you and your partner in the long run.

That doesn’t mean that you should be an open book before you know if you have a real connection with someone. Too much too soon can backfire.

The right time for disclosure is when both you and your partner express an interest in exploring the possibilities of a relationship. If you are already in a relationship and have things you are keeping secret it’s time to fess up. If you’re not ready, it may be time to break away until you are ready.

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8. You have wanderlust and can’t imagine another winter in this sleepy town.

Maybe you feel a calling for new scenery or maybe a job transfer is on the horizon. If there is a possibility you may move in the next few years you should wait to have a relationship.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner does not express excitement over the possibility of a move, you should have a serious discussion about your future. If you are not on the same page, cutting ties may be the best case scenario.

9. Your theme song is I’m so Lonesome I Could Cry.

Many people jump into a relationship because they don’t like being alone. This is no reason to start a relationship or to remain in one that isn’t right. Being in a relationship does not make a happier life and sometimes it does just the opposite. It’s important to love when you are ready, not because you are alone.

Lonely people tend to justify relationships that are not healthy for them or their partner.

10. You’re five year plan includes working your way from your cubicle to the penthouse.

Relationships are a full time job. If you are on a career fast track, realistically you may not have time for a relationship. Getting involved before you are ready will cause conflict within yourself and within your relationship.

Wait until you have time to spend on a relationship before diving into one. Things will happen the way they are supposed to and you will know when the time is right.

11. You want to keep your cake and eat it too.

If you are not ready to fully commit heart and soul to one person it’s not time. Too often we are not over past loves or are interested in two people at the same time.

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If you are conflicted and still have feelings for someone, you should consider dating and developing friendships, but wait until you have resolved the conflicts in your heart before you commit to anyone. You’re indecisiveness should not be a reason to break another’s heart.

12. You want your Facebook status to read something other than “it’s complicated”.

All of your friends have found “the one” and you haven’t. This can make you feel pressured to find someone so you don’t feel like an outcast.

Many times, this sets up conditions for an unhealthy relationship by trying too hard to be in that relationship. It can also scare away someone you really care about.

You should be with someone because you enjoy being with that person. If you try too hard to have a relationship, your new partner may feel like you’re in it for the wrong reasons and bolt.

Relationships are hard work. If you are not in a place where you are emotionally secure in yourself and have the time to spend on a relationship it is probably not the right time in your life to be in one. Timing is everything and just because the time is not right at the moment, doesn’t mean it will always be that way.

When the time is right, the relationship will find you.

Featured photo credit: Image by Henning Mühlinghaus via flickr.com

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Missy Yost

Missy is a business owner and writes about everyday lifestyle tips on Lifehack.

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

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How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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