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10 Ways We Hold Ourselves Back From Getting What We Want

10 Ways We Hold Ourselves Back From Getting What We Want

At one moment or another, most of us have found ourselves questioning where we are in our lives. Whether it’s our careers or our personal relationships, we wonder why we’re not where we dreamed we’d be. This sort of questioning is fundamental and crucial in directing us towards attaining what we want. Often, the answer to such a question lies in our own doing. Even though it may seem a matter of circumstance, we are to blame for failing to achieve what we desire. It is we who hold ourselves back. It is we who prevent ourselves from achieving our own fulfillment. Below are just some of the ways in which we do things that contradict what we really want.

1. We want that promotion, but we don’t shape our daily work routines around attaining it.

We won’t always go the extra mile when an opportunity presents itself. Usually, a fresh promotion or a new position equips us with a sense of momentum that drives us to work hard, day after day. However, eventually we may lose interest in what we do. Our efforts stagnate if our role has remained rather monotonous. If we settle into a comfortable position at work and fail to do more than expected, there’s no justified promotion around that corner. We must stay motivated and challenge ourselves whenever possible.

2. We want to get out and see the world, but we’re increasingly tying ourselves down.

It’s a widely common phenomenon – the desire to travel the world and take it all in. To do so effectively; however, a lot of sacrifices must be made. The most important sacrifice is our free time. The older we grow, the more we find ourselves bound to our responsibilities. We have rent or mortgage to pay every month. We have a job that cannot be put on the back-burner for longer than two weeks. Relationships and/or children can dissuade us to get out there and really see the world. The longer we wait, the more there is to keep us grounded. We are also less likely to enjoy an opportunity to its fullest potential. Furthermore, we should not regard these obligations and responsibilities as excuses to prevent us from travelling, but rather as obstacles that can be managed (with effort) and rearranged.

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3. We want to pursue our childhood dreams, but get bogged down under notions of pragmatism and practicality.

If everyone lived according to the lifestyle that they envisioned in their earlier years, we would all be driving our Ferrari’s home from a typical day at work, likely at NASA or Nascar. Our dreams gradually dissolve the more we settle for stability. Why dish out all that money for a luxury sports car, when we can get a safe and practical sedan for a fraction of the price? Mentally, this continual practice of settling for what we can afford and what’s practical can prove detrimental. It’s a departure from what we really want. Our list of dreams turns into a list of dreams never achieved. There’s no reason we should refrain from shooting for the stars.

4. We want a great social life and many friends, but we just don’t make the effort.

Oftentimes we may find ourselves sitting around with a heavy sense of isolation. We might feel left out of various social circles. Unless we’re on the wrong end of a high school popularity contest, the blame rests on us. It’s our responsibility to make an effort – to go out when invited, to not cancel plans, and to initiate conversations. Popularity and a great social circle requires sacrifice and effort. We have to give, in order to get. Sometimes it’s impractical due to family or time-consuming career/studies, so we have to prioritize and accept the outcomes of what we choose to pursue.

5. We want to express ourselves and be courageous when it counts, but we’re afraid and we shy away.

Fear is a constant barrier to so many aspects of our lives – success, self-improvement, being true to oneself. We’re often presented with moments where we can raise our voice, give our opinions, or push back. Unfortunately though, we tend to shy away in fear of embarrassment or criticism. This can ultimately result in an ever-lasting memory in which we regret the way we failed to act in a particular situation. At the end of the road, we would ideally like to look back and feel as though we stayed true to ourselves. We hope we will be satisfied with the way we handled situations. We must avoid letting fear hold us back and seize the moment whenever we can.

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6. We want to relax and be mellow, but we let stress carry us away.

Stress can take years off of our lives if we let it eat at us. Many times it’s inevitable, but sometimes it’s completely unnecessary. For instance, there’s no need for us to worry about trivial things. Why get anxious about something completely out of our control? We must limit stress to matters that are within our control. We should focus on what we can solve with our own effort. Eliminate anxiety that stems from matters that won’t improve if we worry about them. This requires a substantial amount of self-awareness and constant vigilance of our mentality, but it’s well worth the effort.

7. We want to be healthy, but we prefer convenience and pleasure.

It’s human nature to be a creature of habit, seeking the constant fulfillment of pleasure. Part of it is genetic, like a predisposition to addiction, for instance. Part of it can be laziness or time-constraint. Why spend an hour cooking a healthy meal, when we can order out? We work on our feet all day, so what’s the use in exercising after work? These types of excuses prove detrimental to our well-being. The things that are really good for us (proper diet/exercise) can only be achieved with effort. The results may not be immediate (maybe you’re cooking tastes terrible, at first) but the long term benefits must be persistently acknowledged.

8. We want happiness, but we don’t let ourselves be happy.

Happiness can be a phenomenally elusive thing. Whether we take things for granted, see the glass as always being half empty, or just fail to stop and smell the roses – happiness is all about perception. For some people it’s much easier to generate happiness than it is for others. Some people have the perfect life. but still find themselves fending off bouts of depression. Others find happiness in the most essential of life’s needs. Thankfully, there are many solutions out there, some of which may include making time for ourselves and pursuing our interests. We must try and achieve whatever goals we set for ourselves, or work towards something greater. The solutions are out there – they just need to be realized.

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9. We want the world, but we have so much that we take for granted. We seek fulfillment but never let ourselves experience it.

This is the most pervasive human characteristic, in my opinion. If we always want something more, we’ll never have enough. It’s something so common and so predominant in leaving us ultimately feeling unfulfilled. So many of us are aggressively pursuing more and more, whilst we fail to look at what we have. We fail to appreciate our accomplishments. We’re bored with our jobs. Even though these very jobs provide a stable income and put a roof over our head. We’re annoyed with familial obligation, even though our family is otherwise a bright spot in our lives, supporting us at every turn. We get mad at our friends – the very ones who provide us with so much happiness. We feel unfortunate, even if we’re living in a modern civilized society free of war and famine. We never have enough time to ourselves, even though we’re writing and reading this post right now. If we’re perpetually focused upon what we want, and not what we already have, we’ll never feel fulfilled.

10. We want to be the best that we can be, but we don’t make it a life philosophy to improve ourselves everyday.

We wonder why we’re not where we want to be. We want to be better, but we don’t put in the work. It need not even take as much work, as it takes a conscious effort to evaluate where we are and why we’re here or there. Without this conscious awareness, we let things spiral away. Time flies by and we auto-pilot our way to a destination far away from where we want to be. What are the main points to take away from all of this? There are several themes that emerge from point to point: self-awareness and effort, being the most crucial. We have to ensure that we’re strictly re-evaluating ourselves, not just when we find ourselves at a crossroad, but more frequently and more aggressively. We have to establish a structure that prompts self-evaluation every so often. This method  takes practice and effort, but is absolutely vital in giving us control over where we go and what we achieve. Furthermore, we have to make an effort in our social interactions, in attaining what we want, and in avoiding the tendency to settle for what is convenient. If you found yourself disagreeing with several of the points made in this post then consider yourself fortunate.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” – C.G. Jung

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Featured photo credit: MorgueFile via mrg.bz

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Last Updated on December 17, 2018

Why You Think You’re Not Good Enough and How To Believe in Yourself

Why You Think You’re Not Good Enough and How To Believe in Yourself

Have you ever wanted to say something at work, but a little voice of doubt crept in and said, “what if you are wrong”?

Maybe you wanted to apply for that promotion or ask that special someone on a date, but something kept you from taking action. When you think you’re not good enough, you tend to fear the outcome and lack faith in your abilities. That is why it is vital you discover how to believe in yourself so you can accomplish your goals and create your dream life.

Whatever your situation, the fears and self-doubt your false beliefs create will always stop you in your tracks. Identifying the beliefs that cause you to sabotage your life is the first step to removing them.

Self-doubt causes inaction, and inaction leads to regret. When you are not following your passion and living your dream life, you are left with a lot of questions:

  • What if I took a chance on myself?
  • Could I have had a better life if I took more risks?
  • Am I be satisfied with the legacy I am leaving behind?
  • What could I have accomplished if I did not settle for less?

So why would you think you’re not good enough?

1. Parenting

The perception you have of yourself is based on your past experiences. There are studies that show children mimic everything from their parents ability to regulate emotions, to their parents belief about money.[1]

I have had clients who did not believe they were good enough because they did not receive any positive reinforcement as a child. When they were young, their parents were extremely overprotective.

Think of your childhood challenges like dragons you had to slay. Each obstacle you overcame was another dragon you successfully removed from your life. As you slay more dragons, your self-esteem and confidence increase. When someone has overprotective parents, their parents end up slaying the dragons.

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As a result, the child builds more confidence in their parent’s abilities, while still doubting their own.

If you are never encouraged to slay your own dragons, you start to doubt whether you can. It is only natural for a child to conclude their parents are always helping them because they think they need it. This child ages into an adult who still believes they are not good enough. They seek the help and confirmation of others, and they rarely stand-up to opposition.

Solution: Slay Your Dragons!

If you want to believe in yourself, you are going to have to take steps to rebuild your trust in yourself. Start by keeping your word to others and arriving on-time. By showing yourself that others can (and do) trust you, you are going to feel more comfortable trusting yourself.

As you move onto larger and more challenging tasks, you have built a foundation of trust in your ability to keep your word. Next, you are going to want to reclaim your sword from others. At first, you may want to confide in whoever it is currently slaying your dragons.

Understand if it is your parent or someone who loves you, they want the best for you and mean well. You are simply going to tell them that you want to do the work, and will ask them for their thoughts in the planning phase. Feel free to check in with them and give them updates on your progress, while making sure they understand you are wanting to do the work yourself.

Then when the task is completed, let them know so you can celebrate together. Now that you have slayed your own dragon, you can start to reclaim your confidence. By you utilizing them as your guide, you get the added bonus of someone you respect and admire, telling you how amazing you are.

Think of it like a symbolic passing of the torch. Now, you are both dragon slayers. Which means all the positive attributes you attributed to them slaying your dragons, now belong to you.

2. Over-Exaggerating and Oversimplifying

Your past experiences may involve you or someone close to you failing. When you experience failure, you can lose your desire to continue. This has less to do with whether you are brave or scared, and more to do with the fact that your mind does not like failure.

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No one enjoys participating in events in which they under-perform. Outside of the usual reasons of embarrassment, feelings of inadequacy, and fear of failure – it is simply not fun.

Who wants to play baseball if they strikeout every time it is their turn? Would you enjoy singing in front of an audience if you were booed off the stage every time you performed? I could go on, but I think you get the point.

The thing about those two examples is no one really strikes out “every” at-bat. It is also unlikely someone could be booed off the stage “every time” they performed in-front of an audience.

What ends up happening is you oversimplify and exaggerate your past experiences and then your mind believes you. If you believe you are not good enough to ask someone on a date because they “always” tell you no, then do not be surprised you never muster the courage to do so.

If you want to overcome these feelings of inadequacy, start by changing your beliefs. This exercise does not need to be complicated. If you believe you strikeout every time it is your turn, I want to you to go to a batting cage and keep swinging until you hit the baseball.

When you experience success, I want you to take a mental note, write it down, or have someone video it. This is your proof that you do not always strike out. Then, whenever your belief that you are not good enough resurfaces, you are going to replay that video.

Regardless of the situation, you can find a successful experience that you are overlooking.

Solution: Read About the Failures of Others

It sounds a little crazy, I know, but reading about the failures of other successful people will improve your confidence. In a study conducted by Columbia University, they found that teaching students about the failures of great scientists encouraged them to do better.[2]

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When you are battling fear and self-doubt, you tend to over-exaggerate the abilities of others and diminish your own by comparison. You start to believe the successful are successful because they are courageous risk-takers, who do not take no for an answer. You tell yourself, they are meant to succeed, while you on the other hand are not.

When you are able to relate to the successful, you start to realize they have the same struggles and challenges you do. The only difference is they kept going.

Now it is not a question of whether you can succeed, it is a question of whether you want to succeed.

3. Undervalue Yourself

What is the main difference between someone who believes they are good enough and someone who does not? The person who believes they are good enough understands they are a person of value.

What I mean by this is if you do not believe you are worth being listened to, you will not have anything to say. If you do not believe you are good enough to be respected and treated as such, you will accept and rationalize all kinds of mistreatment.

There is an old saying that we are treated as we allow ourselves to be treated. When someone has the confidence and self-esteem that commands respect, they will not accept being treated any kind of way. However, if someone does not see themselves as worthy, they will remain in toxic situations because they do not believe anything better is on the horizon.

Dr. Jennifer Crocker, who worked on a series of self-esteem studies, found in her latest research that:[3]

“College students who based their self-worth on external sources–including appearance, approval from others and even their academic performance–reported more stress, anger, academic problems, relationship conflicts, and had higher levels of drug and alcohol use and symptoms of eating disorders”

Solution: Internalize Your Self-Worth

Instead of valuing yourself based on the awards, recognition, and accolades of others, you need to search internally. By basing your perception of yourself on your core values, you can regain control over self-image.

Instead of focusing on things that are outside of control, keep your mind on what it is that makes you special. You are not defined by your job, relationships, religion, or education. Rather, you are defined by the manner in which you participate in these things. You may be a creative, hard-working, and compassionate person; and that shows up in every thing you do.

Understand that you do not need to be creative, hard-working, and compassionate all the time to consider yourself these things. You are not trying to be perfect, but you are trying to connect with your true self.

By understanding the similarities in which you tackle objectives, you will build a consistent and powerful self-worth that stands apart from external confirmation.

Final Thoughts

Do not allow your past experiences do dictate your future success. You do not want to look back on your life and have a lot of questions and regrets.

Build trust in yourself by taking action today. This will help you build the confidence you need to believe in yourself and your ability to become the champion of your life.

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Featured photo credit: Riccardo Mion via unsplash.com

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