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10 Things About Marriage You Wish You’d Known As a Newlywed

10 Things About Marriage You Wish You’d Known As a Newlywed

Too many people go into a marriage thinking that it’s going to be great fun and not much different that any old long-term relationship. Living together with another person, who is both a lover and friend, has its ups and downs, and it is certainly a whole lot different than regular dating. Experience comes with time and plenty of couples eventually learn to live in relative harmony with each other, but it always helps to get a basic understanding of what you are getting into beforehand. With a few years of dating, five years of marriage under my belt and a beautiful daughter to show for it, I have learned a few things about marriage that people don’t tell you when you are young. Here is a list of ten things I wish I knew as a newlywed, as they would have saved me plenty of time and nerves.

1. Living with a partner can be much more difficult than you think.

Moving in together

    In the beginning, i.e. your first year or so together, it can all seem like sunshine and rainbows between the two of you. Your relationship is still fresh, you are slowly learning about each other, you have sex all the time and you spend some time away from one another regularly, so every time you see each other, there is plenty to talk about. However, once you start spending all or most of your free time with someone and living under the same roof, you suddenly become a strange mixture of friends, family and roommates.

    The thing is, you are both used to a certain lifestyle and like things to be a certain way, which can cause a bit of a problem if you aren’t able to back down. My wife and I had plenty of arguments about choosing the right color for the walls or arranging furniture, and there will always be debates about leaving the toilet seat up, throwing towels on the floor, not doing the dishes after a meal, etc. Just know that these things are a part of being married and that both of you will need to change a few things about yourself, which takes a bit of work.

    2. You’ll need to learn to handle constant meddling and tips from your family.

    Everyone will want to give you some advice, whether they have been there and done that and know some things about marriage or have just heard of a study on TV or read something online. Your single friends will get on your nerves from time to time with gems of wisdom on married life, and although you’ll know they just want to help, it won’t make things any less frustrating. When it comes to meddling and unsolicited advice, the worst offenders are the in-laws. We all know how difficult our parents can get, particularly if you come from a cultural background where families like to stick together and everyone abides by the “it takes a village to raise a child” mentality.

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    Now imagine having to deal with two sets of parents who don’t seem to realize that you are grown adults and insist on giving you advice on everything from basic things like doing your laundry and choosing furniture, to important issues related to planning your future. The way my wife and I deal with such meddling, apart from occasionally reverting to sarcasm or losing our temper, is to acknowledge their input and agree to consider their suggestion as a valid option. Shutting off your brain, nodding politely and letting them finish their tirade, followed by a quick change of subject is also a great strategy.

    3. The question about having a baby will be brought up by others frequently.

    This ties into the last paragraph, but is a big enough issue that it deserves its own place on this list. Not a month will go by after you’ve exchanged your vows and people will already start to give you the old “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” routine, asking if their might be a third family member on its way any time soon. Comments can be simple, like when our friends commented on us buying a house: “A beautiful home—spacious too. Plenty of room for one or two more (nudging and winking go without saying),” or even serious and somewhat worried inquires like when my parents asked us when we were planning to have our first kid.

    This kind of behavior is understandable—after all, your folks are getting older and want to have a chance to play with their grand kids while they still have plenty of life energy left—but it is incredibly infuriating. You will feel like you are being pressured, like it is expected of you, but ultimately, it is your decision whether you want to have kids now, later or ever for that matter. Take your time, get settled in and when the right time comes, the two of you will come to a mutual decision.

    4. Married sex often lacks spontaneity and you’ll need to work at keeping the passion alive.

    All the movie clichés and standup comedy routines aside, married sex becomes less spontaneous and more predictable over time. It can be both one of the best and one of the worst things about marriage—you fall into a routine and because you know each other so well you start approaching the subject casually. Young couple sex comes straight out of the bloom, gets hot and heavy quickly, with very few words spoken or can be a long and delightful game of teasing leading into a big finale. Married sex can sometimes come down to:

    Person one: “Wanna do it?

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    Person two: “Are you that horny? I’ve got to be at work in an hour, and we haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

    Person one: “Oh, come on, there is plenty of time.”

    Person two: “Alright, alright, we’ll just have to be quick. And you’re making breakfast afterwards.”

    There is nothing inherently wrong with a bit of routine or scheduling sex around your daily obligations, but by breaking the taboo and being somewhat formal about it can kill the passion to an extent. Married couples need to pick up a few tricks and learn to keep sex interesting. You can role-play, dress up in sexy costumes, try something different or schedule a romantic evening where you court each other and take things nice and slow. It is just something you’ll need to work on.

    5. You’ll need to accept that you and your partner enjoy different things.

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    Dissinterested couple

      While having a lot of things in common can bring the two of you together, it’s impossible to have the exact same hobbies and interests as another person. Your significant other might be somewhat of a slob and you may be a bit of a control and hygiene freak. One partner may enjoy listening to loud music while doing chores around the house and the other might prefer peace and quiet. You might enjoy most of the same things, but hate the fact that your partner watches a boring and predictable TV shows that just has to be on every single night. They are probably aware of all the plot holes, broken laws of physics, quasi science and faulty logic, but enjoy the show regardless, so pointing all these things out serves no purpose. Learn to accept your partner’s interests and be tolerant of them—you don’t have to like the same things, but don’t complain about the things they like and try to be supportive and understanding.

      6. A good marriage is all about compromising and doing your best, and not about “being right.”

      Let’s first say a thing or two about an overwhelming sense of entitlement many people today feel. A big part of growing up is about learning that no one “owes” you anything, that you can’t claim to “deserve” anything and that a “right” to do something needs to be earned and protected, and can easily be taken away by others, whether it seems fair or not. That’s another big one—life isn’t fair and it’s all about giving it your best, hoping nothing really bad happens and surviving catastrophes when they happen and moving on.

      This is true for all aspects of life, but relationships in particular. You can’t act like a petulant child and throw tantrums or get mad and put every time something isn’t going your way. However, there will be moments when one partner is simply too emotional and irrational, just looking for a fight or a way to blow off some steam by yelling at whoever is closest to them. In such cases you need to swallow your pride, forget about being right or fighting for justice, and focus on keeping your cool and doing damage control. Most times a simple compromise or leaving your partner alone for half an hour to cool off is going to be enough to keep the peace.

      7. It’s easy to misinterpret your partner’s actions and overreact.

      You will have plenty of things on your mind at times and an innocent comment from your partner might set you off. You might feel angry, tired, undervalued, self-conscious, etc, and this will cloud your judgment and determine how you interpret what has been said. There were times when I came home from a very long and frustrating day at work, did some more work at home and was in a very depressed mood, when something that was meant as joking comment—a sort of good-hearted lover’s banter—threw me over the edge to the point where I was raising my voice and trying to defend myself from the perceived insult.

      With time, you learn to pick up on the things that easily trigger you to go overboard (body image issues, low self-esteem, feeling inadequate in a professional or social sense are the most common triggers) and work on controlling your anger and coming to terms with the underlying issues. You can also let your partner know which comments are off limits and set some boundaries. In the end it’s all about not letting your fears and doubts get the better of you.

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      8. Fights over all kinds of things are common—learn to swallow your pride and apologize.

      Even when you learn to let things slide, stay calm during an argument, and become incredibly understanding of your partner, you will still get into an occasional fight. This is very healthy for a relationship, as it means that you are both playing with your cards open and don’t keep your feelings bottled up so they can fester and ultimately cause you to explode. There are certain common “scripted responses” among higher primates as social creatures, which allow a unique scenario to play out and keep the group together even when faced with big problems. It goes something like this:

      • Two people have very strong opinions on a matter and don’t want to back off..
      • Both people want to assert their dominance and things start escalating to yelling
      • Posturing, loud noise and aggressive language persist until one of the two comes out as a clear “victor” or someone storms out.
      • In the end either the dominant person or the person who has messed up extends an apology, which is then accepted.

      Even monkeys end serious arguments with an apology and make up, so think about this the next time you want to keep pouting and keep refusing peace offerings from your partner because you feel you were wronged on a non-issue like who is going to do the vacuuming.

      9. You don’t have to do everything as a couple and some alone time only strengthens your bond.

      Enjoying some peace and quiet

        When you get married you start to do a lot of things as a couple. You go shopping together, you relax after work together, you go out with friends as a couple, etc. However, your schedules won’t always overlap and neither will your interests, so it is a good idea to do some activities on your own. You may want some time alone with your friends, or one of you may just want to sit in front of the TV all day while the other wants to go swimming. This is where friends and family come in—you can get someone else to go with you and your partner can spend the afternoon doing what he or she enjoys. In the end you both get some alone time, you recharge your batteries and you have something new to talk about when you see each other again.

        10. It’s important to take time off from the mundane life every now and then.

        It’s easy to get into a rut after a while. Your mundane life can quickly bore you and cause you to be lethargic and even depressed. Most people enjoy a change of scenery every now and then, and as a married couple, you’ve got plenty to worry about both at work and at home. This is why an annual vacation is important. You can even have a few mini-vacations during the year. You can go on a weekend getaway, go camping, drive to another city and check into a hotel for a day or anything else that seems fun and exciting.

        I’d like to end this article by saying that, despite it being a lot of hard work and a constant balancing act, marriage is a true blessing and it affords you some extremely wonderful moments that cast a huge shadow over all the little problems and squabbles. I am a better man for having spent all this time with my wife and I look forward for what is to come.

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        Ivan Dimitrijevic

        Ivan is the CEO and founder of a digital marketing company. He has years of experiences in team management, entrepreneurship and productivity.

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        Last Updated on November 17, 2019

        40 Amazing Date Ideas for Valentine’s Day

        40 Amazing Date Ideas for Valentine’s Day

        With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, starry-eyed lovers worldwide are getting ready to celebrate their love and planning the perfect date for their partner. However, there are many loving, caring, and generally great people out there who simply can’t think of a single romantic thing to do, let alone create the ultimate Valentine’s Day experience for their loved one. If you are looking for some great date ideas that will put a smile on your partner’s face and melt their heart, then just keep on reading. I’ve got a pretty big list of choices for you. Here are some great ideas ranging from tried and true classics, to the fun and slightly unconventional.

        1. Rom-coms marathon

        This is a very basic yet highly romantic way of spending the day with your partner. Take a few days to prepare the right playlist and create a romantic atmosphere at home. You can order out some food, open a bottle of wine and cuddle up in front of the TV.

        2. Recreate your first date

        Rated pretty high on the “romantic gestures scale,” this is guaranteed to impress your significant other. It requires a good memory and a bit of work to make it just right, but it is well worth it. Walk down the same streets where you first kissed and have a couple of drinks in that old coffee shop where you had your first drinks together. Don’t be afraid to spend a bit extra and add a little romantic gift into the mix.

        3. Cook for your loved one

        Start researching good recipes for a romantic dinner for two, get the right ingredients and prepare a couple of practice dinners to make sure you’ve got your technique and presentation down pat. Cooking for someone can be a big turn on and you can create some incredible meals without spending too much money. Take it up a notch by dressing classy, decorating your dining room and presenting your partner with a printed menu.

        4. Organize your very own ancient Greek party

        Here’s another one of those creative date ideas for the stay-at-home couple. The ancient Greek private party can be a very fun and erotic experience. You can decorate by using big bowls full of grapes, spreading some white sheets all over the place, placing some plastic vines here and there, putting up a few posters depicting Greek parties and having plenty of wine lying around. Wear nothing but light sheets or costumes and channel some of that hot-blooded Greek spirit.

        5. A romantic weekend getaway in the mountains

        For those looking for a change of scenery and an escape from the busy city, there is nothing better than a quiet, romantic weekend in the mountains. There are plenty of fun activities like skiing that will keep you active. You can have fun making a snowman or engaging in a snowball fight, and, of course, there is plenty of privacy and great room service waiting for you back at your room.

        6. Fun day at the shooting range

        A bit unconventional but an incredibly fun and exciting date that will get your blood pumping and put a huge smile on your faces. Try out a number of guns and have a bit of a competition. Some outdoor ranges have fully automatic rifles, which are a blast to shoot.

        7. Rent an expensive sports car for a day

        Don’t be afraid to live large from time to time—even if you can’t afford the glamorous lifestyle of the stars, you can most definitely play pretend for a day. Put on some classy clothes and drive around town in a rented sports car. The quick acceleration and high speed are sure to provide an exhilarating experience.

        8. Go on a shopping spree together

        Very few things can elicit such a huge dopamine rush as a good old shopping spree. Get some new lingerie, pretty shoes, a nice shirt and tie, a couple of new video games or whatever else you need or want. This is a unique chance to bond, have fun and get some stuff that you’ve been waiting to buy for a while now.

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        9. Hit the clubs

        For all the party animals out there, one of the best date ideas is to go out drinking, dancing, and just generally enjoying the night life. Visit a few good clubs, then go to an after-party and keep that party spirit going for as long as you can.

        10. Spend the day driving around the city and visiting new places

        This one is geared towards couples who have been together for a year or two and want to experience a few new things together. Visit a few cool coffee places on the other side of town, check out interesting restaurants you’ve never been to, and consider going to see a play or having fun at a comedy club on open mic night.

        11. Wine and chocolates at sunset

        Pick out a romantic location, such as a camping spot on a hill overlooking the city or a balcony in a restaurant with a nice view, open a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates and wait for that perfect moment when the sky turns fiery red to embrace and share a passionate kiss.

        12. Ice skating

        There is something incredibly fun about ice skating that brings people closer together and just keeps you laughing (maybe it’s all the falling and clinging to the other person for dear life). You can have some great fun and then move on to a more private location for some alone time.

        13. Body painting

        Speaking of private locations and intimate moments, body painting allows you to spice things up back at your place and add a new element of fun to foreplay. You’ll need adequate body paints and some brushes and the rest is up to you. You can do tiger stripes, paint a t-shirt on your partner, or go for something more abstract—the choice is yours.

        14. Model clothes for each other

        This one goes well when combined with a shopping spree, but you can just get a bunch of your clothes—old and new—from the closet, set up a catwalk area and then try on different combinations. You can be stylish, funny or beautiful. It’s a great after-dinner show and a good way to transition into a more intimate atmosphere.

        15. Dance the night away

        If you and your significant other are relatively good dancers, or if you simply enjoy moving your body to the rhythm of the music, then a night at salsa club or similar venue is the perfect thing for you. Alternatively, you can set up dance floor at home, play your favorite music, have a few drinks and dance like there is no tomorrow.

        16. Lock the doors, turn off the phones and have the whole house to yourselves

        This one might seem a bit obvious and kind of redundant seeing as how I’ve already mentioned a bunch of stay-at-home date ideas that require this step as a prerequisite, but when I say, “Have the whole house to yourselves,” I literally mean turning the whole house into romantic stage where you can explore your fantasies. Decorate each room a bit differently, have a lot of snacks and drinks lying around, put a bunch of blankets and pillows on the floor and go from room to room throughout the day. You can start off with a steaming shower, have a romantic meal, then watch a movie cuddled up on the couch and eventually make your way to the bedroom.

        17. Organize a nature walk

        Being outside has many health benefits, but what you are going for is the beautiful view, seclusion, and the thrill of engaging in some erotic behavior out in the open. You can rent a cottage far from the city, bring some food and drinks, and explore the wilderness. This is nice way to spice things up a bit and get away from the loud and busy city life.

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        18. Act out a fun scenario wearing costumes

        Some role-playing may be just the thing you need to spice up your love life after a few years of being together, but it can be a very fun experience for new couples as well. Work on the scenario together (wounded soldier and nurse, a female cop arresting a robber, etc.), buy the right costumes and accessories beforehand and find a good setting. You could also rent a hotel room to add to the forbidden-fruit vibe.

        19. Travel abroad

        This takes a bit of planning in advance and may be a bit costly, but if you can afford it, there are very few things that can match a trip to France, Italy, Egypt, Turkey, Greece, or a number of other excellent locations.

        20. Go on a hot-air balloon ride

        These are very fun and romantic—you get an incredible view, get to experience the thrill of flying, and you’ve got enough room for a romantic dinner and some champagne. Just be sure to wear warm clothes, it can get pretty cold high up in the air.

        21. A relaxing day at the spa

        Treat your body, mind and senses to a relaxing day at the spa. You and your partner will feel fresh, comfortable and relaxed—a perfect date for the more serious couples who don’t get to spend as much time with each other as they’d like.

        22. A trip down memory lane

        This one is great for long-term couples who will benefit from reminiscing about all of their fondest memories together from the start of the relationship through to the present, reliving some of the most significant moments they shared.

        23. Fun times at a karaoke bar

        A great choice for couples celebrating their first Valentine’s Day together—it’s fairly informal and inexpensive, yet incredibly fun and allows for deeper bonding. Once you have a few drinks in your system and come to terms with the fact that you are making a complete fool of yourself, you’ll have the time of your life!

        24. Helicopter tour of the city followed by dinner

        A modern equivalent to the hot-air balloon ride, the helicopter tour is among the more reasonably priced date ideas and is incredibly romantic and exciting. After about half an hour or an hour of sightseeing you can finish off the upper-class experience by dining in a nice restaurant.

        25. Horseback riding

        Horseback riding is incredibly fun, especially if you’ve never done it before. And what girl doesn’t dream of a prince coming to take her on an adventure on his noble steed? It evokes a sense of nobility and is a very good bonding experience.

        26. Plan a fun date night with other couples

        Take a break and rent a cabin in the woods, go to a mountain resort, a couple’s retreat, or just organize a huge date night at someone’s place and hang out with other couples. This is a great option for couples who have spent at least one Valentine’s Day together and allows you to customize your experience to suit your needs. Also, you can always retire early and get some alone time with your partner if you so desire.

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        27. Cocktail night

        This can be done privately, or with other couples if you are organizing a group Valentine’s Day celebration at someone’s house. All you need is a bunch of different drinks, a few accessories like fruit and spices, and internet access to check out some cool recipes online. Try out all sorts of fun cocktails and mix some brand new ones on your own. Make it a fancy dress night for added fun.

        28. Make reservations at an exclusive restaurant

        A fairly old school move, except this time you can pick out a restaurant that serves a particular type of cuisine you’ve never tried before. Go for a place that has unusual menus and likes to make a show out of presenting the food, rather than just going for your regular “suits and monocles” type venue.

        29. Go to a concert

        There are a whole bunch of things happening around Valentine’s Day, so go online and check out what’s happening near you. You’ll surely be able to find tickets for a cool concert or some type of festival with live music.

        30. Fancy night on the town

        Buy some elegant new clothes, rent a limo for the night and go to a nice restaurant, followed by a jazz club or gallery exhibition. Walk tall, make a few sarcastic quips, and have a few laughs with your partner while letting your inner snob take charge for a few hours.

        31. Take a tour of the historical and cultural sites of your city

        For the cultured crowd and history buffs among us, a day spent learning about some of the local history and delving deeper into national culture is both incredibly fun and a great way to share a unique experience with a loved one. You’d be surprised to find just how much you don’t know about the place you live in.

        32. Live out a James Bond film at a casino

        A beautiful lady in a simple yet sensual, form-fitting, black dress, and a strong and handsome, if somewhat stern-looking man in a fine suit walk up to a roulette table with drinks in hand and place bets at random as they smile at each other seductively. This is a scenario most of us wish to play out, but rarely get a chance. It can be a bit costly, but this is one of the most incredibly adventurous and romantic date ideas.

        33. Go bungee jumping

        People in long-term relationships often talk about things like keeping a relationship fun and exciting, doing new things together, trusting each other and using aphrodisiacs. Well, bungee jumping is a fun, exhilarating activity you can both enjoy; it requires trust and the adrenaline rush you get from it is better than any aphrodisiac out there. Just saying, give it a shot and you won’t regret it.

        34. Take a tour of a winery or brewery

        Taking a tour like this can be a great opportunity to learn new things about wine or beer (or perhaps whiskey) and how it is made, while at the same time getting a chance to taste some excellent drinks and get a few bottles for later in the evening.

        35. Make a fun music video

        Meet up earlier in the day, take decent camera, and start shooting a music video. Rehearse the lyrics (you can even make up your own silly song), dress up, and start filming. You’ll have tons of fun doing it and you can edit the video later and have a cool memento.

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        36. Play some sports

        Some one-on-one basketball, a soccer match against another couple, a bit of tennis, or even something as simple as a table tennis tournament (make it fun by stripping off items of clothing when you lose a game). You can combine this with date idea #13 and paint team uniforms on each other and play in the nude.

        37. Visit a club with live music

        A great option for just about any couple—pick a club that has live performers (whether it’s jazz, rock or even a poetry reading) and dress up for the occasion. Be sure to make reservations in advance to avoid the Valentine’s Day rush, and focus on making your date feel comfortable.

        38. Take skydiving lessons

        Another adrenaline-filled date, skydiving is sure to get your heart racing like crazy and leave you with a goofy grin for the rest of the day. You can offset all the excitement by ending the day with a quiet dinner at home.

        39. Go for some paintball

        Playing war games is an excellent way to get your body moving, focus on some of that hand-eye-coordination, and engage your brain in coming up with tactical solutions in the heat of the moment. It is also a great bonding experience, adrenaline-fueled fun, and role-playing all wrapped into one. And when you get back home, you can always act out the wounded soldier scenario (see #18).

        40. Fill the whole day with random fun activities

        Just say no to plans, reservations and clichés—take your partner by the hand, have your credit card ready and just go out and have some fun. Bowling, followed by a drink at a coffee shop and then a romantic movie? Sure, why not? Going for lunch at a nice restaurant and then organizing a double-date game night? Go right ahead. Going for a long walk in the park, visiting a museum, followed by romantic meal at home and then going out to a club? Hey, who am I to say no? You can use some of the ideas from this article and mash them up together to create a fun-filled Valentine’s Day you’ll both remember.

        There you go, a whole bunch of useful date ideas for all you loving couples out there. You can pick out any one of these, make some adjustments or even combine different options to create the perfect Valentine’s Day date for your significant other. Plan ahead, have fun and celebrate your love proudly.

        Featured photo credit: Relevante design via unsplash.com

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