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10 Reasons A Long-Distance Relationship Will Work

10 Reasons A Long-Distance Relationship Will Work

While relatively high divorce rates and evolving family values appear to be marginalizing the concept of marriage, romance and chivalry remain prominent in contemporary society. A recent story on BBC News underlined this fact, by revealing that a couple have recently begun a relationship after their guide dogs ‘fell in love’ during a training camp in Stoke-on-Trent in the UK.

Research conducted by London-based events company Chillisauce also suggested that today’s generation of men have a keen understanding about the importance of romance, despite the influence of technology and the numerous obstacles that can stand in the way of love. This should offer hope for cynics out there, who remain skeptical about the idea of love and traditional romantic values.

One of the main obstacles that can alter the course of love is distance, as it can be extremely difficult for individuals to enjoy a relationship when they are separated by cities, oceans or continents. It is not impossible to maintain a long-distance relationship, however, so long as each party retains an open mind and keeps the following points in mind:

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1. Maintain Open Lines of Communication

A successful relationship requires the investment of time and attention, whether a couple lives together in the same home, or are separated by geographical barriers. It is therefore crucial that you adopt a proactive approach and strive to keep the lines of communication at all times, initially by scheduling regular telephone calls and communicating through emails and live chat resources. Simply by making a concerted effort and interacting regularly with your partner, a long-distance relationship can thrive for as long as necessary.

2. Embrace Technological Advancements

On a similar note, technological advancement has created an innovative range of affordable, real-time communication methods. Resources such as Skype have subsequently made it easier and cheaper than ever to make international or long-distance calls, meaning that couples can remain in constant contact, regardless of their location. By embracing these developments, there is no reason why your relationship cannot remain strong over time.

3. Maintain a Level Head and Work on Resolving Trust Issues

While communicating regularly with your partner will fortify your long-distance relationship, you will also need to maintain a level head during periods where you are not in contact. Absence can create serious feelings of insecurity and paranoia, especially if your partner has relocated for work purposes and is socializing with new friends and colleagues. You therefore need to confront any trust issues as they arise, and resolve these through honest and direct communication with your partner.

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4. Remember the Reason Why You Formed a Relationship with Your Partner

When dealing with trust issues, you will also need to remain focused on your relationship and the reasons why you engaged romantically with your partner in the first instance. By remembering their unique qualities and the feelings of love that underpin your relationship, you can quickly put your mind at ease and negate any doubt that may exist in your mind. Ultimately, it is important to keep in mind that distance does not automatically alter feelings or an individual’s personal characteristics.

5. Make the Most of Any Time Spent Together

Depending on the precise circumstances of your relationship and the distance involved, the chances are that you will at least get to spend a minimal amount of time with your partner. This must be optimized if your union is to succeed, as it serves as a physical reminder of the nature of your love and the true depths of your feelings. So strive to plan activities in advance, and ensure that you make the most of every single moment together.

6. Keep the Spark of Physical Attraction Alive

Adapting to any transition in your relationship can be difficult, especially if it involves relocation or a lack of time spent together. This can cause genuine feelings of sadness and depression, which in turn can cause you to neglect your personal appearance and develop a negative approach to life. It is important that you remain motivated and energized for the good of the relationship, however, and ensure that the sparks of physical and romantic attraction remain omni-present at all times.

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7. Understand your Romantic and Professional Goals

Succeeding in a long-distance relationship demands a keen sense of assurance and security, as otherwise you will constantly question the union and the long-term intentions of your partner. Ultimately, you must have a clear understanding of your romantic and professional goals, while also taking the time to comprehend those of your partner. This ensures that your relationship will have the best possible chance of survival, while it also confirms that you and your partner share similar goals in life and in love.

8. Consider the Benefits of Time Apart

Often, conducting a long-term relationship relies on your ability to think positively and make the best from a less than ideal situation. If you approach your relationship with an open and forward-thinking mind, for example, it is possible to recognize the benefits of spending time apart from a loved one and use this realization to strengthen the bonds of love and fondness. This takes time, however, so you must also be patient and allow yourself to adapt to your newly enforced circumstances.

9. Be Spontaneous When Possible

While routine and scheduled visits are crucial to the longevity of long-distance relationships, there is always room for spontaneity and adventure in any union. This can help to keep your relationship fresh and exciting, while it also underlines your motivation not to take your partner for granted. So when possible, commit to making surprise and unannounced visits to your partner’s new location, and do not be afraid to send gifts such as flowers and chocolates. On a fundamental level, this should help both you and your partner to adapt to your new circumstances.

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10. Maintain an Active Social Life

You partner may have been the epicenter of your social life, but this does not mean that you have to become a recluse who spends their time waiting by the telephone once they have relocated. In fact, it is important to remain active and commit to enjoying a rich and busy social life even after your partner has moved. This will aid the transition process enormously, while it also helps you to maintain perspective and remain positive about your situation.

Featured photo credit: Young girl on train station says goodbye before catching her via shutterstock.com

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Last Updated on October 22, 2020

8 Simple Ways to Be a Better Listener

8 Simple Ways to Be a Better Listener

How would you feel if you were sharing a personal story and noticed that the person to whom you were speaking wasn’t really listening? You probably wouldn’t be too thrilled.

Unfortunately, that is the case for many people. Most individuals are not good listeners. They are good pretenders. The thing is, true listening requires work—more work than people are willing to invest. Quality conversation is about “give and take.” Most people, however, want to just give—their words, that is. Being on the receiving end as the listener may seem boring, but it’s essential.

When you are attending to someone and paying attention to what they’re saying, it’s a sign of caring and respect. The hitch is that attending requires an act of will, which sometimes goes against what our minds naturally do—roaming around aimlessly and thinking about whatnot, instead of listening—the greatest act of thoughtfulness.

Without active listening, people often feel unheard and unacknowledged. That’s why it’s important for everyone to learn how to be a better listener.

What Makes People Poor Listeners?

Good listening skills can be learned, but first, let’s take a look at some of the things that you might be doing that makes you a poor listener.

1. You Want to Talk to Yourself

Well, who doesn’t? We all have something to say, right? But when you are looking at someone pretending to be listening while, all along, they’re mentally planning all the amazing things they’re going to say, it is a disservice to the speaker.

Yes, maybe what the other person is saying is not the most exciting thing in the world. Still, they deserve to be heard. You always have the ability to steer the conversation in another direction by asking questions.

It’s okay to want to talk. It’s normal, even. Keep in mind, however, that when your turn does come around, you’ll want someone to listen to you.

2. You Disagree With What Is Being Said

This is another thing that makes you an inadequate listener—hearing something with which you disagree with and immediately tuning out. Then, you lie in wait so you can tell the speaker how wrong they are. You’re eager to make your point and prove the speaker wrong. You think that once you speak your “truth,” others will know how mistaken the speaker is, thank you for setting them straight, and encourage you to elaborate on what you have to say. Dream on.

Disagreeing with your speaker, however frustrating that might be, is no reason to tune them out and ready yourself to spew your staggering rebuttal. By listening, you might actually glean an interesting nugget of information that you were previously unaware of.

3. You Are Doing Five Other Things While You’re “Listening”

It is impossible to listen to someone while you’re texting, reading, playing Sudoku, etc. But people do it all the time—I know I have.

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I’ve actually tried to balance my checkbook while pretending to listen to the person on the other line. It didn’t work. I had to keep asking, “what did you say?” I can only admit this now because I rarely do it anymore. With work, I’ve succeeded in becoming a better listener. It takes a great deal of concentration, but it’s certainly worth it.

If you’re truly going to listen, then you must: listen! M. Scott Peck, M.D., in his book The Road Less Travel, says, “you cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” If you are too busy to actually listen, let the speaker know, and arrange for another time to talk. It’s simple as that!

4. You Appoint Yourself as Judge

While you’re “listening,” you decide that the speaker doesn’t know what they’re talking about. As the “expert,” you know more. So, what’s the point of even listening?

To you, the only sound you hear once you decide they’re wrong is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!” But before you bang that gavel, just know you may not have all the necessary information. To do that, you’d have to really listen, wouldn’t you? Also, make sure you don’t judge someone by their accent, the way they sound, or the structure of their sentences.

My dad is nearly 91. His English is sometimes a little broken and hard to understand. People wrongly assume that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about—they’re quite mistaken. My dad is a highly intelligent man who has English as his second language. He knows what he’s saying and understands the language perfectly.

Keep that in mind when listening to a foreigner, or someone who perhaps has a difficult time putting their thoughts into words.

Now, you know some of the things that make for an inferior listener. If none of the items above resonate with you, great! You’re a better listener than most.

How To Be a Better Listener

For conversation’s sake, though, let’s just say that maybe you need some work in the listening department, and after reading this article, you make the decision to improve. What, then, are some of the things you need to do to make that happen? How can you be a better listener?

1. Pay Attention

A good listener is attentive. They’re not looking at their watch, phone, or thinking about their dinner plans. They’re focused and paying attention to what the other person is saying. This is called active listening.

According to Skills You Need, “active listening involves listening with all senses. As well as giving full attention to the speaker, it is important that the ‘active listener’ is also ‘seen’ to be listening—otherwise, the speaker may conclude that what they are talking about is uninteresting to the listener.”[1]

As I mentioned, it’s normal for the mind to wander. We’re human, after all. But a good listener will rein those thoughts back in as soon as they notice their attention waning.

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I want to note here that you can also “listen” to bodily cues. You can assume that if someone keeps looking at their watch or over their shoulder, their focus isn’t on the conversation. The key is to just pay attention.

2. Use Positive Body Language

You can infer a lot from a person’s body language. Are they interested, bored, or anxious?

A good listener’s body language is open. They lean forward and express curiosity in what is being said. Their facial expression is either smiling, showing concern, conveying empathy, etc. They’re letting the speaker know that they’re being heard.

People say things for a reason—they want some type of feedback. For example, you tell your spouse, “I had a really rough day!” and your husband continues to check his newsfeed while nodding his head. Not a good response.

But what if your husband were to look up with questioning eyes, put his phone down, and say, “Oh, no. What happened?” How would feel, then? The answer is obvious.

According to Alan Gurney,[2]

“An active listener pays full attention to the speaker and ensures they understand the information being delivered. You can’t be distracted by an incoming call or a Facebook status update. You have to be present and in the moment.

Body language is an important tool to ensure you do this. The correct body language makes you a better active listener and therefore more ‘open’ and receptive to what the speaker is saying. At the same time, it indicates that you are listening to them.”

3. Avoid Interrupting the Speaker

I am certain you wouldn’t want to be in the middle of a sentence only to see the other person holding up a finger or their mouth open, ready to step into your unfinished verbiage. It’s rude and causes anxiety. You would, more than likely, feel a need to rush what you’re saying just to finish your sentence.

Interrupting is a sign of disrespect. It is essentially saying, “what I have to say is much more important than what you’re saying.” When you interrupt the speaker, they feel frustrated, hurried, and unimportant.

Interrupting a speaker to agree, disagree, argue, etc., causes the speaker to lose track of what they are saying. It’s extremely frustrating. Whatever you have to say can wait until the other person is done.

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Be polite and wait your turn!

4. Ask Questions

Asking questions is one of the best ways to show you’re interested. If someone is telling you about their ski trip to Mammoth, don’t respond with, “that’s nice.” That would show a lack of interest and disrespect. Instead, you can ask, “how long have you been skiing?” “Did you find it difficult to learn?” “What was your favorite part of the trip?” etc. The person will think highly of you and consider you a great conversationalist just by you asking a few questions.

5. Just Listen

This may seem counterintuitive. When you’re conversing with someone, it’s usually back and forth. On occasion, all that is required of you is to listen, smile, or nod your head, and your speaker will feel like they’re really being heard and understood.

I once sat with a client for 45 minutes without saying a word. She came into my office in distress. I had her sit down, and then she started crying softly. I sat with her—that’s all I did. At the end of the session, she stood, told me she felt much better, and then left.

I have to admit that 45 minutes without saying a word was tough. But she didn’t need me to say anything. She needed a safe space in which she could emote without interruption, judgment, or me trying to “fix” something.

6. Remember and Follow Up

Part of being a great listener is remembering what the speaker has said to you, then following up with them.

For example, in a recent conversation you had with your co-worker Jacob, he told you that his wife had gotten a promotion and that they were contemplating moving to New York. The next time you run into Jacob, you may want to say, “Hey, Jacob! Whatever happened with your wife’s promotion?” At this point, Jacob will know you really heard what he said and that you’re interested to see how things turned out. What a gift!

According to new research, “people who ask questions, particularly follow-up questions, may become better managers, land better jobs, and even win second dates.”[3]

It’s so simple to show you care. Just remember a few facts and follow up on them. If you do this regularly, you will make more friends.

7. Keep Confidential Information Confidential

If you really want to be a better listener, listen with care. If what you’re hearing is confidential, keep it that way, no matter how tempting it might be to tell someone else, especially if you have friends in common. Being a good listener means being trustworthy and sensitive with shared information.

Whatever is told to you in confidence is not to be revealed. Assure your speaker that their information is safe with you. They will feel relieved that they have someone with whom they can share their burden without fear of it getting out.

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Keeping someone’s confidence helps to deepen your relationship. Also, “one of the most important elements of confidentiality is that it helps to build and develop trust. It potentially allows for the free flow of information between the client and worker and acknowledges that a client’s personal life and all the issues and problems that they have belong to them.”[4]

Be like a therapist: listen and withhold judgment.

NOTE: I must add here that while therapists keep everything in a session confidential, there are exceptions:

  1. If the client may be an immediate danger to himself or others.
  2. If the client is endangering a population that cannot protect itself, such as in the case of a child or elder abuse.

8. Maintain Eye Contact

When someone is talking, they are usually saying something they consider meaningful. They don’t want their listener reading a text, looking at their fingernails, or bending down to pet a pooch on the street. A speaker wants all eyes on them. It lets them know that what they’re saying has value.

Eye contact is very powerful. It can relay many things without anything being said. Currently, it’s more important than ever with the Covid-19 Pandemic. People can’t see your whole face, but they can definitely read your eyes.

By eye contact, I don’t mean a hard, creepy stare—just a gaze in the speaker’s direction will do. Make it a point the next time you’re in a conversation to maintain eye contact with your speaker. Avoid the temptation to look anywhere but at their face. I know it’s not easy, especially if you’re not interested in what they’re talking about. But as I said, you can redirect the conversation in a different direction or just let the person know you’ve got to get going.

Final Thoughts

Listening attentively will add to your connection with anyone in your life. Now, more than ever, when people are so disconnected due to smartphones and social media, listening skills are critical.

You can build better, more honest, and deeper relationships by simply being there, paying attention, and asking questions that make the speaker feel like what they have to say matters.

And isn’t that a great goal? To make people feel as if they matter? So, go out and start honing those listening skills. You’ve got two great ears. Now use them!

More Tips on How to Be a Better Listener

Featured photo credit: Joshua Rodriguez via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Skills You Need: Active Listening
[2] Filtered: Body language for active listening
[3] Forbes: People Will Like You More If You Start Asking Follow-up Questions
[4] TAFE NSW Sydney eLearning Moodle: Confidentiality

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