A punch in the nose is obvious, and it heals. However, an attack on the self-esteem – at the right moment and in the right way – can last a lifetime. – Jay Carter , Psy.D.
We’ve all had the experience of being invalidated by certain people in our lives. Whether it’s from someone close to home, at work, or in a social group. There is always that one person we feel mistreated by.
Even worse, they lower our self-esteem in a subtle way which to the outside world goes unrecognised. If we try to explain how we feel, these people can easily turn the conversation around, making us out to be sensitive, judgemental and in the wrong.
Nasty people – also known as invalidators – have a way of lowering our self-esteem. In this article, I would like to share with you 10 methods of nasty people and how to avoid them.
As we explore these methods, you will come to have a more understanding an awareness about the people in your everyday life.
1. They Keep You Uncertain
One of the methods of an invalidator is to keep you in a state of uncertainty. You never know when they might explode and do something to upset you.Advertising
For example, you may become understanding of one and other, share a laugh, and build trust. Things can stay this way for a period of time, but then out of nowhere, the invalidator makes you feel uncertain again.
In this persons presence, you never know how to feel around them, and you create rational excuses for their behaviour, almost as a way of convincing yourself that you like them.
2. They Like To Project
Projection can be explained quite simply: the person takes their feelings and puts the responsibility for them on you. For example, a person who doesn’t like you may say, ”I don’t think you like me.”.
They can easily set a frame around you, making you explain yourself to them. And instead of thinking about the invalidators intentions, you start questioning your own feelings.
3. They Will Often Use Manipulation
Manipulation is about control. The invalidator needs to feel in power of you, and often makes you feel like you owe them something. This sort of behaviour can be found in managers, and those in higher power.
For example, if you were asked to work overtime but have other commitments, your boss will try to convince you that your work is more important than your commitments.Advertising
If you remind your boss about any overtime you put in for them previously, they will make out that they were doing you a favour, or that you owed it to them.
4. They Are Always Judgemental
An invalidator who often judges you likes to act as if everyone agrees with them. For example, ”You are irresponsible” would be a passing judgment which assumes that this is who you are as a person, and everyone would agree.
The invalidator judges because they want to unconsciously attack your self-esteem instead of addressing the real problem. Addressing the real problem would mean taking responsibility for their feelings which invalidators do not.
5. They Generalise And Exaggerate The Truth
Be careful of generalisations. An invalidator will use generalisations as a way of exaggerating small truths. For example, if you forgot to clean the house, an invalidator might say, ”You never help me” (Translation: you forgot to clean). ”You’re useless”. (You forgot to clean).
Again, this is an attack on your self-esteem instead of the real problem. The problem is the house isn’t clean. The problem is not that you don’t help, or are useless.
6. They Use The Sneak Attack
”I don’t mean to upset you, but..” (They probably want to upset you). ”I don’t mean to interrupt…” (Yeah, right!). The voice of an invalidator who uses a sneak attack will always have a soft voice.Advertising
Their face will also show concern. They may even try to be nice, but underneath are daggers.
7. They Send A Double Message
A double message is usually verbalised in a deep tone – a voice of disgust. For example, an invalidator may ask, ”How are you?”. If you respond with, ”Leave me alone!”, the invalidator will innocently relate to everyone that you are in a bad mood because all they did was ask how you were.
Invalidators can be very sneaky with double messages. They appear innocent to observers, but you can always sense something in the way they are talking to you.
8. They Will Cut Communication
Another valuable tool for the invalidator is cutting communication. If you are asked a question about yourself, they cut you off before you finish answering.
Or you can be asked a leading question like, ”Do you still argue with your partner?” You can’t answer this question without appearing wrong. The invalidator may even walk out in the middle of a conversation, leaving you with a pile of thoughts jammed in your mind.
9. They Build You Up, Then Cut You Down
Many invalidators like to build you up so that you grow dependant on them. They make out that they are always there for you, and that you can always share your innermost feelings.Advertising
Whenever you feel self- conscious or anxious, the invalidator will draw your attention to the negative qualities about yourself. This way, they can pull you down, so that they feel more superior, making you feel like you need them.
10. They Use What’s Called A ‘Double Bind’
The double bind is one of the most sneakiest attacks because you’re wrong if you do, and wrong if you don’t. For example, if you took a class to improve your confidence, your partner may get jealous and insecure of the new confidence you have. So you’re then given the ultimatum of, ”It’s either me or the class”.
Of course, nobody wants to give up their relationship for the sake of a class. An invalidator will put out threats due to the positive changes you are making in your life.
How To Avoid The Everyday Invalidator
Having explored the 10 methods of nasty people and how to avoid them, you now have a better understanding of the invalidators in your daily life, and what their intentions are.
In these circumstances, knowledge is power. Because we cannot always avoid certain people in our lives, we can, however, avoid feeling trapped by them.
We do this by simply being more sharper and aware of the behaviours of the people around us. And with this new level of awareness, we will become confident and more assertive the next time we interact with them.
Nasty People, Jay Carter, Psyd.D, 2003.
Last Updated on April 23, 2019
13 Ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently
Let me begin by being 100% frank with you – everyone is capable of happiness.
Happiness is first a choice but it also takes persistence to maintain. Happiness is our birth right and my mission is to help as many people as I can live their happiest life.
My mission is to spread the message that everyone deserves happiness.
To live a happy life; however, you must do the work, gain the necessary knowledge, and increase your awareness.
You must fully embody this state and begin to think and feel happiness on every level of your being.
Often times, excuses present themselves and our mind gives us the reasons why we can’t be happy:
“I am too busy right now to focus on happiness”
“I will be happy when I finish school, when I have the money, when I am in the right relationship, when I have kids, when my children are older….”
“I would have had a happy life if this traumatic event had never happened”
“I don’t deserve happiness”
EVERYONE deserves happiness. The reason that you are here right now is because you have a purpose and you are on the earth to enjoy your journey.
Think BIGGER than your excuses. Push FARTHER than your complaints.
Don’t be pulled away from greatness. Get uncomfortable. At least these are what happy and successful people do on a daily basis.
This article highlights the top 13 tips and tricks of how happy people think and feel.
If you would like to begin embodying this life-changing state, then… Here are the 13 ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently:
1. Happy People Put Happiness First
Happy people have made the decision that their end goal is happiness.
Every situation, event, bad day ultimately ends with happiness.
To them, happiness is equivalent to sleep and water – it is a necessity to their life. To live an unhappy life is to have never lived at all.
The happy person asks,
“What would be the point of living if every day and moment were filled with negativity?”
“Why would I deplete my energy on negativity when I expend less to be positive?”
They make happy-based decisions which means in EVERY MOMENT they choose happiness.
If their circumstances can’t change then they instead change their perspective, they look for the silver lining in the negative.
Happy people don’t let negativity steal their moments away – a positive mindset always prevails.
If you ask a happy person how their day was, they will always answer your question with a highlight or a lesson learned.
2. Happy People Embrace Pain
I know what you are thinking –
“No one is ALWAYS happy”
“Even happy people get in bad moods”
These statements are absolutely accurate.
Happy people aren’t always happy and they DO get into bad moods. They get overwhelmed, they feel defeated, and their feelings get hurt.
Happy people aren’t invincible and they feel pain just like everyone else. The only difference between happy people and people who let negativity run their lives is that…
Happy people quickly acknowledge their pain and they make a decision to find a way to transform their pain into something greater. They also use these 13 simple ways to shake off the sadness.
Happy people admit the negativity they feel and they do what it takes to get back into their natural state: happiness.
When your end goal is happiness, then you will find a way to achieve it no matter how much strength you have to muster.
3. Happy People Have a Happy Self-Image
We all have an image in our minds that we subconsciously live up to.
The reason that change is so hard is because our subconscious mind is programmed to live by how we define ourselves.
How are you currently defining yourself?
For happy people, they see themselves with a smile, positive outlook, and/or a bounce in their step. When an event or situation arises that brings in a negative emotion, they quickly change their state to resemble their natural self-image.
When happy people are in a bad mood, it feels unusual to them because feeling negative isn’t aligned with how they see themselves.
When they feel upset, they acknowledge the negativity and look for a solution to bring their emotions to the level of how they perceive themselves.
Look at how you define yourself today – your mind and body are always trying to live up to the definition it is taught to believe.
Your body’s job is to keep you in a “normal” state because this is where it feels most comfortable.
If your self-image is happy, then your mind and body will naturally be brought back to where it feels at home. Your actions will be a clue to how you define yourself.
4. Happy People Have a Strong Support System
The happiest people know that it takes a village and they lean on others for support.
Happy people feel comfortable reaching out for help when they feel that their resistances are overpowering them. They quickly sense their negativity and they tell somebody.
Happy people ask for assistance when they can’t figure out a problem. Seeking help takes strength and it never gets in the way of their self-worth. Happy people appreciate the wisdom that their support system provides.
They have strong connections with the people who are close to them. They never trudge through tough times alone because jeopardizing their happiness for too long would be detrimental to their well-being.
5. Happy People Safeguard Their Minds from Negative Triggers
Warding off negativity is almost impossible when we live in a society that lives by what went wrong and feeds off of what could go wrong. News travels instantaneously so it would be unrealistic to shut this out of your life completely.
However, one strategy that happy people use to safeguard their minds is regulating their environment.
We have a lot of control on how we allow our environments to affect us. We can control our social media feed, the television shows and movies we watch, the books that we read, the people that we spend our time with, and the places that we hang out.
If happiness is your end goal, then take a good look at what is bringing you down. What triggers your unhappiness? See if there is anything in your environment that can be changed……
What we listen to, read, and who we hang out with influence our mind, what we think about, what we worry about, our reactions, and behaviors.
Happy people know what triggers a feeling of negativity and it feels out of alignment for them so they do what it takes to avoid it.
They might regulate their social media news feed to reflect the information that brings them positive energy. They might regulate the people that they spend their time with. It is important to hang out with like-minded people.
What are you triggers? How can you avoid the negativity in your environment?
These are ways that happy people regulate their environment and safeguard their minds.
6. Happy People Know When to Say “No”
Happy people know when to sit one out and say “no.” They do this to protect their happiness and well-being.
Life gets overwhelming – a lot of people need our attention and the to do list can seem never ending.
Happy people give themselves permission to take the day off and they feel comfortable with saying “no” when their stress levels begin to climb. They understand that those around them aren’t benefiting from someone who is frazzled, overwhelmed, and tired.
A happy person identifies their negative emotion and then they quickly treat it to bring themselves back to their “normal” state, so that they can be at their best for not only themselves but for those around them, too.
A simple “no” can ultimately mean many more “yes’s” in the future because happiness has a long battery life. You can take a look at Leo Babauta’s article The Gentle Art of Saying No and learn to say no.
7. Happy People Are Good Evaluators
Happy people can quickly sense when something is off with themselves or others. They are very intuitive to happiness levels. When someone isn’t quite right, they are the first ones to notice.
Being able to evaluate happiness means that you can identify when negativity is lingering around for too long.
We all have bad days; however, the happy person evaluates often and quickly intervenes.
In other words, happy people frequently evaluate their state and immediately change when their pessimism is overshadowing their joy.
8. Happy People Bring Other People Up
What goes on inside of us is mirrored into our physical world.
What we think about literally consumes our life and is displayed in our work, relationships, and attitude.
Happy people naturally feel good inside and about themselves so they treat others the way that they treat themselves. It never feels forced to give a compliment or to help out a stranger.
When we are truly happy with ourselves, everyone around us has a better experience. Happy people are kind to themselves and because of this, it feels natural to them to want to make others’ happy, too.
9. Happy People Go After Their Dreams
Happy people are always following the joyful path. They make happy-based decisions and because of this, they always end up where they want to be.
It’s absolutely impossible to be happy by following an undesirable path, which is quite opposite for unhappy people.
Most people journey through life on a path they think they are “supposed” to be own. Warning signs (negativity) are often ignored because they truly believe that these feelings are a normal part of life.
Negativity is NOT normal.
The happiest people investigate the negativity in their life and quickly analyze the results. This process allows them to get back on the joyful path which ends in a desirable outcome.
Follow your happiness and your dreams will come true (If that isn’t motivation then I don’t know what is!)
In addition to happiness, here are 14 amazing things that happen when you live your passion.
10. Happy People Never Sweat the Small Stuff
The only expectation that the happy person has is that they remain in a joyful state.
They rarely have expectations for the events and people in their lives because they know that this is a sure way to get let down.
The happiest people take life as it comes – you could say that they roll with the punches. When you don’t have expectations, thenyoue can just sit back and watch how beautifully life unfolds.
Happy people understand that bad things are inevitable, they are a part of life – The car will break, the kids will make mistakes, people will be late, and dinner will burn.
If it’s not anything seriously affecting their lives, then they don’t give their energy to it.
11. Happy People Rarely Have to Prove That They Are Right
Happy people remember that it’s more important to live up to what they believe. When you live your life aligned with your belief system, then there is no need to explain or prove yourself to others.
Differences in opinions are inevitable, but the happiest of people know it’s wasted energy to defend their position.
It is more effective to simply show people, through actions, how you think, feel, and what you believe.
Energy is saved, arguments are diminished, and credibility/respect are gained when we live by what we believe.
12. Happy People Smile (Even When They Don’t Want To)
Smiling is one of the healthiest things we can do; and happy people use this simple trick quite often.
It has been proven that smiling has the ability to boost your immune system, decrease stress levels, and can even make you look younger. The benefits of smiling have even been backed up by science.
Better yet, smiling is contagious. When you engage in a quick smile, you are likely to brighten someone else’s day along with your own. It is no wonder why happy people smile often!
13. Happy People Live Life in the Present Moment.
When we are genuinely happy, we are living for the moment.
Happy people let go of the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future. They take the moments for what they are worth – they only invest their energy in what feels right to them.
Everyone is capable of living a happy-centered life. You deserve a life that you desire – your dream life. All you have to start doing is make happy-based decisions TODAY.
In every moment, decide on what makes you happy – decide on what gets you excited. Stop doing what you don’t love, don’t listen to the people that you dislike.
If you are engaging in something that isn’t bringing you joy, then quit doing it. Listen to your heart, stop ignoring the warning signs (negativity) because they are there for a reason.
I have observed, studied, and interviewed some of the happiest and most successful people along with some of the most miserable and self-loathing.
It starts with one decision – happiness.
The happiest, most successful people choose happiness with EACH and EVERY decision. And you can start doing this today.
More Articles About Pursuing Happiness
- How to Get Motivated and Be Happy Every Day When You Wake Up
- 10 Scientifically Proven Ways To Stay Happy All The Time
- How to Be Happy: Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You Unhappy
- How to Be Happy Again: 13 Simple Ways to Shake off Sadness Now
Featured photo credit: Autumn Goodman via unsplash.com
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