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4 Reasons You Just Can’t Stick With A New Habit

4 Reasons You Just Can’t Stick With A New Habit

It’s that time of year. The January crowds are already out of the gyms, smokers are sneaking out for smoke breaks, and workaholics are powering through 12 hour days again. The enthusiasm of New Year’s resolutions fades away, and you can’t seem to stick with a new habit. Why does this happen? And, more importantly, what do you need to stop doing in order to form new, healthy habits?

1. You believe in “no pain, no gain.”

Many people swear by this old saying. And, while it may work like a charm for some folks, it actually discourages most people. We convince ourselves that we have to struggle and suffer in order to be who we want to be. The most common example of this is in the dieting world. For example, a woman will relentlessly tire herself out at the gym, hoping to fit into a smaller dress for an upcoming event. But, she creates such stress in doing this that all she wants to do is chow down on donuts. The change becomes something that she dreads, and the escape is that safe old habit of overeating. If you incorporate change in a negative, torturous way, it is simply human nature to give up on it.

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Lesson: Do everything you can to ensure a new habit is enjoyable and empowering.

2. You hold yourself to another’s standards.

Another classic and well-intentioned mistake: we try to emulate people we look up to when introducing new habits. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but if taken too far, it can sabotage you. For example, your brainiac coworker reads a new book every week. You decide that you want to be as well-read and intellectual as she is, so you try to force this same habit upon yourself. A week later, you fail to finish your first book, you don’t even like the book, and you feel like a failure. What went wrong? Basically, you failed at being another person. You tried to reach a goal through someone else’s process – what works for them. This invalidates any other techniques that may have worked for you. In addition, it places other people on a pedestal and tricks you into believing that external validation will fulfill you. While having a partner in change can help you stay motivated, don’t forget to do what actually works for you.

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Lesson: Don’t compete with others; compete with your old limitations.

3. You think mistakes are a reason to quit.

Any successful person will tell you they fail on a regular basis. Unfortunately, many of us see small setbacks as justification to quit, which blocks us from the actual work of habit formation. Instead of letting our brains and bodies move through the challenging process of change, we look at any mistake and use it as a reason to slip back into old habits and give up. However, mistakes are one of the most critical aspects of habit formation. They give us insight into why we do things (e.g. you realize that stress makes you avoid cleaning your house), while teaching us resilience and patience. In addition, mistakes desensitize us from the fear of failure – something that everyone must overcome to achieve great things.

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Lesson: Mistakes are part of the learning curve, and the learning curve lasts a lifetime.

4. Your identity is rooted in failure.

One of the most devious mental health issues that plagues humanity is a negative self-perception, which will quietly undermine any progress you make. We’ve heard dozens of stories about lottery winners who lost it all, squandering fortunes in a short period of time. And stories of those who lost hundreds of pounds, only to gain back even more once their diets ended. What is this odd phenomenon? Many people chalk it up to human stupidity or laziness, but it’s much deeper and more sophisticated than that. In these situations, we’re dealing with subconscious self-sabotage. Whether you obtain money, fame, fitness, or anything else, you can’t maintain it if your identity is rooted in its opposite.

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For example, if you hit the lottery but still possess a belief that poverty and scarcity surround you, your decisions will reflect that belief. You’ll be broke again in no time. The same goes for the guy or gal who loses 100 pounds – if they still view themselves as unhealthy, unmotivated junk food eaters at heart, that is what they will lapse back into.

Lesson: See yourself at your greatest potential – no matter your circumstances.

Keep these subtle adjustments in mind when aiming to stick with a new habit.

Featured photo credit: pixabay via pixabay.com

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Last Updated on February 21, 2019

The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

In business, in social relationships, in family… In whatever context conflict is always inevitable, especially when you are in the leader role. This role equals “make decisions for the best of majority” and the remaining are not amused. Conflicts arise.

Conflicts arise when we want to push for a better quality work but some members want to take a break from work.

Conflicts arise when we as citizens want more recreational facilities but the Government has to balance the needs to maintain tourism growth.

Conflicts are literally everywhere.

Avoiding Conflicts a No-No and Resolving Conflicts a Win-Win

Avoiding conflicts seem to be a viable option for us. The cruel fact is, it isn’t. Conflicts won’t walk away by themselves. They will, instead, escalate and haunt you back even more when we finally realize that’s no way we can let it be.

Moreover, avoiding conflicts will eventually intensify the misunderstanding among the involved parties. And the misunderstanding severely hinders open communication which later on the parties tend to keep things secret. This is obviously detrimental to teamwork.

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Some may view conflicts as the last step before arguments. And they thus leave it aside as if they never happen. This is not true.

Conflicts are the intersect point between different individuals with different opinions. And this does not necessarily lead to argument.

Instead, proper handling of conflicts can actually result in a win-win situation – both parties are pleased and allies are gained. A better understanding between each other and future conflicts are less likely to happen.

The IBR Approach to Resolve Conflicts

Here, we introduce to you an effective approach to resolve conflicts – the Interest-Based Relational (IBR) approach. The IBR approach was developed by Roger Fisher and William Ury in their 1981 book Getting to Yes. It stresses the importance of the separation between people and their emotions from the problem. Another focus of the approach is to build mutual understanding and respect as they strengthen bonds among parties and can ultimately help resolve conflicts in a harmonious way. The approach suggests a 6-step procedure for conflict resolution:

Step 1: Prioritize Good Relationships

How? Before addressing the problem or even starting the discussion, make it clear the conflict can result in a mutual trouble and through subsequent respectful negotiation the conflict can be resolved peacefully. And that brings the best outcome to the whole team by working together.

Why? It is easy to overlook own cause of the conflict and point the finger to the members with different opinions. With such a mindset, it is likely to blame rather than to listen to the others and fail to acknowledge the problem completely. Such a discussion manner will undermine the good relationships among the members and aggravate the problem.

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Example: Before discussion, stress that the problem is never one’s complete fault. Everyone is responsible for it. Then, it is important to point out our own involvement in the problem and state clearly we are here to listen to everyone’s opinions rather than accusing others.

Step 2: People Are NOT the Cause of Problem

How? State clearly the problem is never one-sided. Collaborative effort is needed. More importantly, note the problem should not be taken personally. We are not making accusations on persons but addressing the problem itself.

Why? Once things taken personally, everything will go out of control. People will become irrational and neglect others’ opinions. We are then unable to address the problem properly because we cannot grasp a fuller and clearer picture of the problem due to presumption.

Example: In spite of the confronting opinions, we have to emphasize that the problem is not a result of the persons but probably the different perspectives to view it. So, if we try to look at the problem from the other’s perspective, we may understand why there are varied opinions.

Step 3: Listen From ALL Stances

How? Do NOT blame others. It is of utmost importance. Ask for everyone’s opinions. It is important to let everyone feel that they contribute to the discussion. Tell them their involvement is essential to solve the problem and their effort is very much appreciated.

Why? None wants to be ignored. If one feels neglected, it is very likely for he/she to be aggressive. It is definitely not what we hope to see in a discussion. Acknowledging and being acknowledged are equally important. So, make sure everyone has equal opportunity to express their views. Also, realizing their opinions are not neglected, they will be more receptive to other opinions.

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Example: A little trick can played here: Invite others to talk first. It is an easy way to let others feel involved and ,more importantly, know their voices are heard. Also, we can show that we are actively listening to them by giving direct eye-contact and nodding. One important to note is that never interrupt anyone. Always let them finish first beforeanother one begins.

Step 4: Listen Comes First, Talk Follows

How? Ensure everyone has listened to one another points of view. It can be done by taking turn to speak and leaving the discussion part at last. State once again the problem is nothing personal and no accusation should be made.

Why? By turn-taking, everyone can finish talking and voices of all sides can be heard indiscriminantly. This can promote willingness to listen to opposing opinions.

Example: We can prepare pieces of paper with different numbers written on them. Then, ask different members to pick one and talk according to the sequence of the number. After everyone’s finished, advise everyone to use “I” more than “You” in the discussion period to avoid others thinking that it is an accusation.

Step 5: Understand the Facts, Then Address the Problem

How? List out ALL the facts first. Ask everyone to tell what they know about the problems.

Why? Sometimes your facts are unknown to the others while they may know something we don’t. Missing out on these facts could possibly lead to inaccurate capture of the problem. Also, different known facts can lead to different perception of the matter. It also helps everyone better understand the problem and can eventually help reach a solution.

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Example: While everyone is expressing their own views, ask them to write down everything they know that is true to the problem. As soon as everyone has finished, all facts can be noted and everyone’s understanding of the problem is raised.

Step 6: Solve the Problem Together

How? Knowing what everyone’s thinking, it is now time to resolve the conflict. Up to this point, everyone should have understood the problem better. So, it is everyone’s time to suggest some solutions. It is important not to have one giving all the solutions.

Why? Having everyone suggesting their solutions is important as they will not feel excluded and their opinions are considered. Besides, it may also generate more solutions that can better resolve the conflicts. Everyone will more likely be satisfied with the result.

Example: After discussion, ask all members to suggest any possible solutions and stress that all solutions are welcomed. State clearly that we are looking for the best outcomes for everyone’s sake rather than battling to win over one another. Then, evaluate all the solutions and pick the one that is in favor of everyone.

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