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Get Married And Stay Married Out Of Want, Not Need

Get Married And Stay Married Out Of Want, Not Need

You married the partner of your dreams. You promised to love each other forever, and the two of you have made a life together. The years have passed, the reality of marriage has set in, and now it seems that the fairytale is over. Now, you’re not so sure that getting married was the best decision, and you’re wondering if maybe this whole marriage thing was a mistake. Maybe it just isn’t for you. And you start to think: should we stay together or end the marriage?

We’ve all been there. Every married person has had this doubt at one time or another. And if someone tells you they haven’t, it’s a lie. Unfortunately, social norms dictate that we should never doubt our marriage, no matter what. This expectation makes the reality of this very moment in your life particularly difficult. Why are you feeling this way when nobody else is? As you question your marriage, your sanity, and every other life decision you’ve ever made, there is one important thing to consider: Why are you staying? Are you staying in your marriage out of want or need?

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Reasons for Divorce

Divorce is definitely more common today, than, say, 100 years ago. Some people believe that the rise in divorces is a sign of society’s decline. Others believe it’s because people now understand that marriage should be fulfilling for both people involved. For Karen Rinaldi, author of the article “What is a Man For?”[1]  recently published in the New York Times, divorce came when her husband became infected with HIV and admitted to having extramarital affairs with other men. The fear of contracting the virus herself became too much, and the two divorced. However, they did remain friends until his final days.

Ask yourself: would you want to stay in this kind of marriage? Has your partner cheated on you or broken your trust? Are you staying because you can’t afford rent on your own place? That’s staying out of need, not want.

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Pressure to Stay Married

Marriage is a hot topic in many cultures around the world. Many people believe it is a lifelong institution that should never be broken. Others disagree. Maybe you’re not sure. But, you do know that you have a house together, maybe kids together. You have financial issues, maybe you feel protected in your marriage, maybe your spouse earns more money. The list goes on and on. Guess what? Nothing on that list is a reason to stay in a marriage. In fact, these are some of the worst reasons for staying in a bad marriage, writes Susan Peace.[2]

Don’t feel pressured to stay in a marriage out of need, out of fear, or simply because it would be too complicated to leave. Living your life according to other people’s expectations is a recipe for unhappiness.

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Wanting Your Marriage

You should stay in your marriage only if it’s out of want. Telling your partner “I love you” out of reflex, while thinking to yourself that you don’t – that isn’t fair. Let’s be honest, that isn’t fair to you or to your spouse. But, if you say those words and still mean it – there’s still hope.

So, what are the things that make you want your marriage? Looking forward to seeing your partner in the morning, wondering if they’ve eaten a healthy lunch today, struggling through the downturns of life together, and sharing the mundane tasks of living together – these are some of the signs that you do want your marriage. But, there is one sign that you want to stay in your marriage that somehow rises above all the others. It is knowing that you could just as easily do this life thing on your own, yet choosing not to, because you have found the person that you want to share it with.

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Reference

[1] Karen Rinaldi: What Is A Man For
[2] Susan Peace, LCSW, CADC: Top Misguided Reasons to Stay in a Bad Marriage

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Amber Pariona

EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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