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Get Married And Stay Married Out Of Want, Not Need

Get Married And Stay Married Out Of Want, Not Need

You married the partner of your dreams. You promised to love each other forever, and the two of you have made a life together. The years have passed, the reality of marriage has set in, and now it seems that the fairytale is over. Now, you’re not so sure that getting married was the best decision, and you’re wondering if maybe this whole marriage thing was a mistake. Maybe it just isn’t for you. And you start to think: should we stay together or end the marriage?

We’ve all been there. Every married person has had this doubt at one time or another. And if someone tells you they haven’t, it’s a lie. Unfortunately, social norms dictate that we should never doubt our marriage, no matter what. This expectation makes the reality of this very moment in your life particularly difficult. Why are you feeling this way when nobody else is? As you question your marriage, your sanity, and every other life decision you’ve ever made, there is one important thing to consider: Why are you staying? Are you staying in your marriage out of want or need?

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Reasons for Divorce

Divorce is definitely more common today, than, say, 100 years ago. Some people believe that the rise in divorces is a sign of society’s decline. Others believe it’s because people now understand that marriage should be fulfilling for both people involved. For Karen Rinaldi, author of the article “What is a Man For?”[1]  recently published in the New York Times, divorce came when her husband became infected with HIV and admitted to having extramarital affairs with other men. The fear of contracting the virus herself became too much, and the two divorced. However, they did remain friends until his final days.

Ask yourself: would you want to stay in this kind of marriage? Has your partner cheated on you or broken your trust? Are you staying because you can’t afford rent on your own place? That’s staying out of need, not want.

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Pressure to Stay Married

Marriage is a hot topic in many cultures around the world. Many people believe it is a lifelong institution that should never be broken. Others disagree. Maybe you’re not sure. But, you do know that you have a house together, maybe kids together. You have financial issues, maybe you feel protected in your marriage, maybe your spouse earns more money. The list goes on and on. Guess what? Nothing on that list is a reason to stay in a marriage. In fact, these are some of the worst reasons for staying in a bad marriage, writes Susan Peace.[2]

Don’t feel pressured to stay in a marriage out of need, out of fear, or simply because it would be too complicated to leave. Living your life according to other people’s expectations is a recipe for unhappiness.

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Wanting Your Marriage

You should stay in your marriage only if it’s out of want. Telling your partner “I love you” out of reflex, while thinking to yourself that you don’t – that isn’t fair. Let’s be honest, that isn’t fair to you or to your spouse. But, if you say those words and still mean it – there’s still hope.

So, what are the things that make you want your marriage? Looking forward to seeing your partner in the morning, wondering if they’ve eaten a healthy lunch today, struggling through the downturns of life together, and sharing the mundane tasks of living together – these are some of the signs that you do want your marriage. But, there is one sign that you want to stay in your marriage that somehow rises above all the others. It is knowing that you could just as easily do this life thing on your own, yet choosing not to, because you have found the person that you want to share it with.

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Reference

[1] Karen Rinaldi: What Is A Man For
[2] Susan Peace, LCSW, CADC: Top Misguided Reasons to Stay in a Bad Marriage

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Amber Pariona

EFL Teacher, Lifehack Writer, English/Spanish Translator, MPA

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

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1. Listen

Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

“Why do you want to do that?”

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“What makes you so excited about it?”

“How long has that been your dream?”

You need this information the help you with the following steps.

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3. Encourage

This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

5. Dream

This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

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6. Ask How You Can Help

Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

7. Follow Up

Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

Final Thoughts

By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

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Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

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