Advertising

6 Things to Consider Before Getting a Divorce

Advertising
6 Things to Consider Before Getting a Divorce

Divorces are extremely common throughout the world, and especially in the U.S. Many people have been divorced multiple times and have to deal with the fallout for the rest of their lives. There are also many studies showing that people who get divorced find themselves no happier than they were before getting divorced; so it is important to consider all the options when discussions of a divorce come up. Here are a few things to think about before signing on the dotted line.

1. Emotions

Even the party that wants the divorce usually finds themselves sad and depressed throughout the process. This is true, especially in the immediate aftermath. It’s completely normal and comes with the anxiety of starting over and not knowing what your future holds. There are always some old feelings that still exist, both parties feel it and usually feel regret for whatever rash actions were taken.

Advertising

2. Consider your kids

Everyone getting divorced is obviously thinking of their kids in the process. It’s hard to anticipate just how big of an impact a divorce can have on children’s lives. Huffington Post did a great study in 2014 where they talked to kids and let them express what kind of effects divorce was having on them. The study revealed seven surprising effects, listed here. One of the most interesting is that children of divorced parents can struggle more as adults.

3. Anger hurts you

Whatever the reason behind your decision to divorce, there is likely to be some anger. Unfortunately, while you may be justified in being angry towards your ex-spouse, your anger will likely hurt you more than it will hurt them. If you are angry, you will probably think of them a lot more than they think of you, and it may eat you up. They will move on with their life and only have to see you occasionally. It is also known that holding anger is bad for your physical and emotional health.

Advertising

Just let go of the anger, forgive, and move on. You will be happier and you will be able to lead a more normal post-divorce life.

4. It’s never too late

Most states let you pull out of a divorce settlement at any time until the judge has officially made a ruling and filed the paperwork. If you are thinking of pulling out, you can read more about how to cancel a divorce here. It is also worth noting that many states don’t require any waiting period between a divorce and another marriage. That means even if the divorce has occurred but you still want to make it work, you can be married again in less than 24 hours. While this isn’t ideal, it is possible. A relationship in which parents continue to change their feelings toward each other is going to be difficult for any children involved.

Advertising

5. Never talk bad about your spouse to your kids

Your kids will likely still love both you and your ex. If you find yourself bad-mouthing your spouse to your kids it is probably time to stop. Your kids will struggle with it. They may even turn against you and see you as the reason for the divorce. No matter how much blame there is to go around, let it go, and let your kids figure it out as they grow up. They will appreciate your maturity and willingness to move on no matter how much it hurts to do so.

6. No hurry

Don’t rush into your divorce and don’t try to fast-track your dating life right after the divorce. Divorces are big decisions. Take your time all throughout the process. If you end up seeing your divorce through, take a little time for things to settle. People that are emotionally hurt often don’t make the best decisions. Keep in mind that post-divorce is an extremely important time to make smart decisions, for your kids and yourself.

Advertising

More by this author

Stephanie Caudle

Content Creator

5 Ways To Keep Your Children Safe Outdoors 5 Survival Tips Parents Can Use to Successfully Navigate Through The “Terrible Twos” 4 Ways You Can Take Your Business To The Next Level in 2017 5 Ways Freelance Writers Can Stop Wasting Time and Become More Productive These Android Anti-Theft Apps Are Guaranteed to Stop Thieves in Their Tracks

Trending in Communication

1 15 Things You Don’t Need To Apologize For (Though You Think You Do) 2 10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character 3 10 Scientifically Proven Ways To Stay Happy All The Time 4 8 Signs That Your Current Relationship Has No Future 5 How to Learn a Language in Just 30 Minutes a Day

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on November 18, 2021

10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character

Advertising
10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character

We all fall into the trap of judging a person’s character by their appearance. How wrong we are! All too often, the real character of the person only appears when some negative event hits them or you. Then you may see a toxic person emerging from the ruins and it is often a shock.

A truly frightening example is revealed in the book by O’Toole in Bowman called Dangerous Instincts: How Gut Instincts Betray Us. A perfectly respectable, charming, well dressed neighbor was found to have installed a torture chamber in his garage where he was systematically abusing kidnapped women. This is an extreme example, but it does show how we can be totally deceived by a person’s physical appearance, manners and behavior.

So, what can you do? You want to be able to assess personal qualities when you come into contact with colleagues, fresh acquaintances and new friends who might even become lifelong partners. You want to know if they are:

  • honest
  • reliable
  • competent
  • kind and compassionate
  • capable of taking the blame
  • able to persevere
  • modest and humble
  • pacific and can control anger.

The secret is to reserve judgment and take your time. Observe them in certain situations; look at how they react. Listen to them talking, joking, laughing, explaining, complaining, blaming, praising, ranting, and preaching. Only then will you be able to judge their character. This is not foolproof, but if you follow the 10 ways below, you have a pretty good chance of not ending up in an abusive relationship.

1. Is anger a frequent occurrence?

All too often, angry reactions which may seem to be excessive are a sign that there are underlying issues. Do not think that every person who just snaps and throws his/her weight around mentally and physically is just reacting normally. Everyone has an occasional angry outburst when driving or when things go pear-shaped.

Advertising

But if this is almost a daily occurrence, then you need to discover why and maybe avoid that person. Too often, anger will escalate to violent and aggressive behavior. You do not want to be near someone who thinks violence can solve personal or global problems.

2. Can you witness acts of kindness?

How often do you see this person being kind and considerate? Do they give money to beggars, donate to charity, do voluntary work or in some simple way show that they are willing to share the planet with about 7 billion other people?

I was shocked when a guest of mine never showed any kindness to the weak and disadvantaged people in our town. She was ostensibly a religious person, but I began to doubt the sincerity of her beliefs.

“The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back.”

Abigail Van Buren

3. How does this person take the blame?

Maybe you know that s/he is responsible for a screw-up in the office or even in not turning up on time for a date. Look at their reaction. If they start blaming other colleagues or the traffic, well, this is an indication that they are not willing to take responsibility for their mistakes.

4. Don’t use Facebook as an indicator.

You will be relieved to know that graphology (the study of that forgotten skill of handwriting) is no longer considered a reliable test of a person’s character. Neither is Facebook stalking, fortunately. A study showed that Facebook use of foul language, sexual innuendo and gossip were not reliable indicators of a candidate’s character or future performance in the workplace.

5. Read their emails.

Now a much better idea is to read the person’s emails. Studies show that the use of the following can indicate certain personality traits:

  • Too many exclamation points may reveal a sunny disposition
  • Frequent errors may indicate apathy
  • Use of smileys is the only way a person can smile at you
  • Use of the third person may reveal a certain formality
  • Too many question marks can show anger
  • Overuse of capital letters is regarded as shouting. They are a definite no-no in netiquette, yet a surprising number of  people still use them.

6. Watch out for the show offs.

Listen to people as they talk. How often do they mention their achievements, promotions, awards and successes? If this happens a lot, it is a sure indication that this person has an over-inflated view of his/her achievements. They are unlikely to be modest or show humility. What a pity!  Another person to avoid.

7. Look for evidence of perseverance.

A powerful indicator of grit and tenacity is when a person persists and never gives up when they really want to achieve a life goal. Look for evidence of them keeping going in spite of enormous difficulties.

Advertising

Great achievements by scientists and inventors all bear the hallmark of perseverance. We only have to think of Einstein, Edison (who failed thousands of times) and Nelson Mandela to get inspiration. The US Department of Education is in no doubt about how grit, tenacity and perseverance will be key success factors for youth in the 21st century.

8. Their empathy score is high.

Listen to how they talk about the less fortunate members of our society such as the poor, immigrants and the disabled. Do you notice that they talk in a compassionate way about these people? The fact that they even mention them is a strong indicator of empathy.

People with zero empathy will never talk about the disadvantaged. They will rarely ask you a question about a difficult time or relationship. They will usually steer the conversation back to themselves. These people have zero empathy and in extreme cases, they are psychopaths who never show any feelings towards their victims.

9. Learn how to be socially interactive.

We are social animals and this is what makes us so uniquely human. If a person is isolated or a loner, this may be a negative indicator of their character. You want to meet a person who knows about trust, honesty and loyalty. The only way to practice these great qualities is to actually interact socially. The great advantage is that you can share problems and celebrate success and joy together.

“One can acquire everything in solitude, except character.”

Stendhal

 10. Avoid toxic people.

These people are trying to control others and often are failing to come to terms with their own failures. Typical behavior and conversations may concern:

  • Envy or jealousy
  • Criticism of partners, colleagues and friends
  • Complaining about their own lack of success
  • Blaming others for their own bad luck or failure
  • Obsession with themselves and their problems

Listen to these people talk and you will quickly discover that you need to avoid them at all costs because their negativity will drag you down. In addition, as much as you would like to help them, you are not qualified to do so.

Now, having looked at some of the best ways to judge a person, what about yourself? How do others see you? Why not take Dr. Phil’s quiz and find out. Can you bear it?

Featured photo credit: Jacek Dylag via unsplash.com

Advertising

Read Next