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6 Things to Consider Before Getting a Divorce

6 Things to Consider Before Getting a Divorce

Divorces are extremely common throughout the world, and especially in the U.S. Many people have been divorced multiple times and have to deal with the fallout for the rest of their lives. There are also many studies showing that people who get divorced find themselves no happier than they were before getting divorced; so it is important to consider all the options when discussions of a divorce come up. Here are a few things to think about before signing on the dotted line.

1. Emotions

Even the party that wants the divorce usually finds themselves sad and depressed throughout the process. This is true, especially in the immediate aftermath. It’s completely normal and comes with the anxiety of starting over and not knowing what your future holds. There are always some old feelings that still exist, both parties feel it and usually feel regret for whatever rash actions were taken.

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2. Consider your kids

Everyone getting divorced is obviously thinking of their kids in the process. It’s hard to anticipate just how big of an impact a divorce can have on children’s lives. Huffington Post did a great study in 2014 where they talked to kids and let them express what kind of effects divorce was having on them. The study revealed seven surprising effects, listed here. One of the most interesting is that children of divorced parents can struggle more as adults.

3. Anger hurts you

Whatever the reason behind your decision to divorce, there is likely to be some anger. Unfortunately, while you may be justified in being angry towards your ex-spouse, your anger will likely hurt you more than it will hurt them. If you are angry, you will probably think of them a lot more than they think of you, and it may eat you up. They will move on with their life and only have to see you occasionally. It is also known that holding anger is bad for your physical and emotional health.

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Just let go of the anger, forgive, and move on. You will be happier and you will be able to lead a more normal post-divorce life.

4. It’s never too late

Most states let you pull out of a divorce settlement at any time until the judge has officially made a ruling and filed the paperwork. If you are thinking of pulling out, you can read more about how to cancel a divorce here. It is also worth noting that many states don’t require any waiting period between a divorce and another marriage. That means even if the divorce has occurred but you still want to make it work, you can be married again in less than 24 hours. While this isn’t ideal, it is possible. A relationship in which parents continue to change their feelings toward each other is going to be difficult for any children involved.

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5. Never talk bad about your spouse to your kids

Your kids will likely still love both you and your ex. If you find yourself bad-mouthing your spouse to your kids it is probably time to stop. Your kids will struggle with it. They may even turn against you and see you as the reason for the divorce. No matter how much blame there is to go around, let it go, and let your kids figure it out as they grow up. They will appreciate your maturity and willingness to move on no matter how much it hurts to do so.

6. No hurry

Don’t rush into your divorce and don’t try to fast-track your dating life right after the divorce. Divorces are big decisions. Take your time all throughout the process. If you end up seeing your divorce through, take a little time for things to settle. People that are emotionally hurt often don’t make the best decisions. Keep in mind that post-divorce is an extremely important time to make smart decisions, for your kids and yourself.

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Stephanie Caudle

Content Creator

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Last Updated on February 25, 2020

5 Rules for Overcoming Adversity and Emotional Pain

5 Rules for Overcoming Adversity and Emotional Pain

“Some people choose to see the ugliness in this world, the disarray. I choose to see the beauty. To believe there is an order to our days. A purpose.” – from the popular show, “Westworld”

It’s different for us all. My personal quest for purpose began with five stages of grief and one startling realization that everything’s endlessly fragile. Adversity, as it happens by rule, found me terribly unprepared, so I decided to take my time. Today, I can honestly say that I’ve grown.

Ugliness and beauty, good and evil, pain and laughter – everything in the universe consists of two forces that are opposing but complementary. In the face of difficulty, that is the only mantra you need.

Here’s how I learned it and why you should too, with five simple rules.

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1. Embrace the Complexity

Quite insidiously, adversities come in all shapes and sizes. Paralyzing physical disabilities, mind-wracking mental problems, ruthless emotional havocs, all leading to the same painful acknowledgement: all the beauty in the world cannot possibly make up for the ugliness that surrounds us. Shattered to pieces, helpless and bare naked, we sit in our therapy chairs, apologizing for being so negative.

Eventually, what it all comes down to is the nature of negative emotion. Our positives overshadow our negatives, thus wrongly teaching us that the road to well-being is paved with nothing but positive feelings and thoughts. How utterly wrong!

“If you’re not failing every now and then, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything innovative”, Woody Allen said.

It’s a classic “learn from your mistakes” rule, but in this case, it implies growing from negative experiences. Make peace with your negativities and embrace beauty and ugliness alike! Accepting this marvellously complex world just as it is will allow you to find purpose in adversity and meaning in misery.

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2. Find Balance, Regain Control

Still, accepting adversity is only the first step toward eventual victory. One can endure only so much trauma in life; if we’re not prepared to deal with difficulties in a productive way, even the minor setbacks can get us off track. Our strengths come from learning, and the best way to learn is through a series of trials and errors. Just like phases of grief or stages of drug addiction, adversities suggest a disabling loss of control, so find your way to regain it.

Some call it the coping mechanism; for others, it’s a spiritual will. However you choose to name yours, know that not all supporting systems are equally beneficial, though each is effective in its own way. Escapism was mine, but it only helped me retain the illusion of beauty. It wasn’t until I opened up toward the ugliness and accepted the naked truth that I was finally free. Whether you choose to dwell in art, religion and spiritualism, thus feeding your resilience from within or to reach out to others for help, choose wisely.

Whatever the means, the second rule is a golden one: find your inner balance and stick to it. Eventually, it will lead you out of the vicious circle.

3. Fight with Patience

My bargaining turned in depression with a single touch. Fearless and free, my dance instructor timidly put her hands on my shoulders and I realized, for the first time, just how tense, stiff and cloistered I was. And just like that, I started letting go. Adversities have their sneaky ways, but in my experience, becoming aware is what hurts the worst. It took me a year to recover from this little moment of self-discovery, and I know remember it as the edge of the rabbit hole.

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Some sufferings are impossible to console; I know that now. The only way to get through is to, well, get through. Depression and despair are only the beginning of the excruciatingly unnerving process that ravages the mind and shrivels the soul, and once they strike, there is no easy way back. So, fight them with patience. When your head starts spinning and your feet lose ground, go to your happy place. Over there, you’ll be reminded that nothing is forever, not even our little existential psychosis.

Take a deep breath and say “om”. When things cannot be combated, they have to be endured, so practice patience and learn to let go. Finally, keep repeating to yourself that this too shall pass.

4. Keep Swimming

Nothing is impossible, in the end. Your negative thoughts will gently pour into your positive ones, just as two streams come together to become a river. In the event of the inevitable disaster, one can only be as calm as still water. Suffering teaches patience, and the latter gives rise to flexibility. Ultimately, what is life than a series of unfortunate events and a handful of bright moments in between? If adversities are impossible to avoid, than learn to glide through as smoothly and patiently as water does with rocks.

Even if spirituality isn’t exactly your cup of tea, you have to admit that this is one solid metaphor. Staying adaptable in the face of change will soothe your panic attacks and keep you sane and sober-blooded. Even if you fail, you’ll know exactly how to breathe and face what’s in front of you once it eventually strikes again. Stay calm and visualize a better tomorrow; if anything else, it will give you strength to dive deep and weather the storm. And, in case there’s somebody’s hand to reach out to, grab it firmly and don’t let go.

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Being flexible against adversities takes a lot of learning, just as staying brave demands a lot of courage. It’s a long, arduous step-by-step routine, and you can reach the end only by swimming on. Persist, even when you fall.

5. Never Stop Searching for Inspiration

And, if it’s a guidance you need, where else to seek it than in experiences of others? Find it in art, in people around you, in chance encounters. The pure beauty of perseverance can be discovered where you expect it the least, so never stop searching for inspiration. If self-help literature soothes your pains and clears your mind, don’t let cynics discourage you. Your path toward reconciliation is nobody’s but yours to choose.

Ever heard of Nick Vujicic? Or Nando Parado? Inspiring people sound their yawps over the roofs of the world, sometimes voiceless, sometimes limbless, sometimes both. Born without arms, Jessica Cox became the most unusual certified pilot in the world, and you can rarely see her without a smile on her face. If you’ve already ripped all of your bucket lists and said goodbye to your dreams and plans, meet Sean Swarner, who’s officially became the first cancer survivor to climb Mount Everest. The stories just go on.

Make your own guidebook! Pen down your positive thoughts, cover your walls with quotes and devise your personal mantras. Whenever things get hard, they’ll be there to remind you of what you need to do. It’s the simplest of all life hacks, and one of the most effective ones.

Find beauty in the world, but never stay blind for its ugliness. However daunting, adversities and emotional pain challenge our inner strength, thus making us resilient and allowing us to grow. As soon as you recognize them as the wind in your sails instead of the devastating storm, the purpose will become simple and clear.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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