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To Love Oneself is The Beginning of A Lifelong Romance

To Love Oneself is The Beginning of A Lifelong Romance

Change is the only constant.

In life, the situations in which we find ourselves and the relationships we enter into are always time-limited. Whether these relationships last for a few weeks or a few decades, we are always aware that those we love could be taken from us at any moment. Bereavements, breakups, and unforeseen circumstances can all conspire to change our lives in the course of a mere few seconds.

In this respect, everyone in our lives is like a passenger on board a train. Everyone gets off the train sooner or later, and the sooner we accept this truth, the more readily we can adjust our outlook on life in such a way that increases our chances of self-acceptance and inner peace. When we truly embrace impermanence, we are also more likely to learn from past experiences and carry these lessons forward to lead a more peaceful life filled with healthy relationships.

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The danger of relying on others for love and validation.

When you depend on other people for love and approval, you set yourself up for a fall because all relationships end eventually. Those who love themselves know that whilst happy relationships with others are a great joy in life and can be tremendously enriching, the only person upon whom one can depend to provide love and support is yourself. Otherwise, you risk personal devastation every time a friend, relative, or romantic partner rejects you or threatens the existence of your relationship.

In extreme cases, people who depend on other people for approval and affection bend and twist themselves out of all recognition; trying to please everyone and seek for attention. This can lead to poor self-esteem and a greatly diminished sense of self-respect. In contrast, when you love and respect yourself for who you are, you are free to live a more authentic life in keeping with your true nature. You learn to balance striking compromises, remaining flexible, and staying in touch with who you are.

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Courting, befriending and loving yourself.

As those who show themselves love and care know, self-love is the only kind of love upon which you can depend. When you take the time to know yourself, a lifelong romance can begin. Only when you become accustomed to spending time by yourself can you gain a true appreciation of your needs, wants, and desires.

This, in turn, helps you imagine and ultimately build the kind of life you need. Spending time engaging in your favorite activities, taking yourself on trips and expeditions, and staying as healthy as possible are all steps that will increase your self-appreciation, acceptance, and self-love.

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Never feel lonely again.

When you truly love and appreciate yourself, you will never feel lonely again. You will always have your own self-reliance and self-approval to see you through life’s challenges. When you come up against adversity, you will always be able to look to yourself, and your inner resources to help you move past the barriers that lie in your way.

People who fully understand the importance of self-love enjoy connecting with other people, but they never make the mistake of depending on them to prop up their sense of self or to provide them with a purpose in life. Those who are secure in their identities and believe themselves to be just as valuable as any other human being never feel the need to seek out validation as they carve out their own paths in life.

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Self-love is an ongoing project that is well worth the effort. When you truly nurture yourself, even times of great stress and hardship seem more bearable.

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Jay Hill

Jay writes about communication and happiness on Lifehack.

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Last Updated on December 9, 2019

5 Warning Signs That You’re a People Pleaser

5 Warning Signs That You’re a People Pleaser

Do any of the followings sound familiar…

You cringe at the thought of saying no. You obsess about what others think of you and whether you’re doing something to make them dislike you. You live your life based on the opinions of others because you are deathly afraid of disappointing them.

If you say yes to all of these, you are likely a chronic people pleaser.

It’s hard not to struggle with people-pleasing at one time or another in our lives. As social beings, it’s in our nature to get along with others; our survival and success depend on it.

However, there is a fine line between healthy social behavior and the experience of emotional depletion caused by chronic people-pleasing. In addition to being emotionally drained, you may find yourself compromising on your principles and values in order to be accepted. As you help others to get what they want, your own health and well-being will suffer.

As a recovering people pleaser myself, I’ve observed these five common signs of chronic people-pleasing and some ways to overcome it:

1. You’re Incapable of Saying No

Do you find it painfully hard to turn down the requests of family, friends, and even acquaintances or strangers? You really want to say no, but instead, you say yes to their various demands.

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Before you know it, you’ve become the go-to person when something needs to get done. From the small to the large, you take on every task. You may even be considered a hero to some.

On the inside, you’re suffering. You genuinely want to help others, but you also know that you are depleting your own resources with every “yes.” You may fear that you’ll lose your friendships and good reputation by saying no. After all, last thing you want to be called is selfish.

Solution

First, realize that your capacity to care for others and your capacity to care for yourself are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the two are intimately related.

Second, understand that you are not responsible for the happiness of those around you. They are. Let these two realities give you permission to say no. Start practicing with small requests. Refuse kindly, and without apology.

2. You Avoid Making Decisions or Sharing Your Opinions

Do you have a hard time voicing your opinions and feelings in a group setting or with close friends? Do you constantly allow others to make decisions for you?

You understand a deep truth about decisions and opinions: they divide. However, it’s not in your nature to cause division by speaking up, so you remain silent to avoid conflict.

Over time, this behavior is deadly, because as you defer to the opinions and decisions of others, you are silencing your own voice. This will rob the world of your unique perspectives and gifts.

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Solution

Remember that you can disagree without being disagreeable. People can have divergent opinions and still treat each other with respect and kindness. So give voice to your thoughts, concerns, and needs.

By speaking up, you may rock the boat. You may even be outvoted. But if you treat others with respect, they will respect you even when they disagree with your opinions and choices.

3. You’re Crushed When You Discover Someone Doesn’t like You

This is a hard one. It seems reasonable to assume that if you go out of your way to please everyone, then everyone will like you. But it’s not true.

Some people will dislike you simply because of who you are or for reasons outside of your control. You understand this intellectually, but you cannot stop trying to win the few holdouts.

Solution

Closely examine your desire to be liked by everyone. Did this originate in your childhood, as you tried to win the affections of family members or friends at school? Use tools such as reflection, meditation, and counseling to help you let go of past negative experiences.

As social beings, we need to be loved and accepted – but not by everyone. Decide whose love and affection is worth the effort and whose is not.

4. You’re Resentful of Others but Are Not Sure Why

This often happens when we suppress our feelings and needs over the long term.

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Do you feel unexplained anger toward your close friends, spouse, or boss? The anger is your subconscious telling you that you have been neglecting yourself while helping others advance their goals. Think of this resentment as the “check engine” light turning on in your car. Don’t ignore it.

Solution

Face the truth of what is going on in your life. If you’re feeling overextended or taken advantage of, acknowledge these feelings. Avoid second-guessing yourself. Find time for self care, and make this a priority.

5. You’re Unaware of How Far You’re Willing to Go – Until You’re in over Your Head

This is a sure sign that you lack proper boundaries. You avoid setting limits because you believe this runs counter to having a generous spirit. But this simply allows people greater latitude to intrude into your life. The requests may become more and more unreasonable and you may not realize it until someone has crossed the line.

If you’ve taken on too much, you may experience passive aggressive behavior, crying for no apparent reason, anxiety, or depression.

Solution

Be willing to admit that your time and energy are limited, not because you’re selfish, but because it’s the truth.

Boundaries are simply a recognition of that truth. Do not be afraid to set your boundaries and enforce them. It will take a while for you and others to get used to it, but you’ll experience an increased sense of well-being, and people will learn to accept your limits.

Learn to set boundaries for good: How to Take Control of Your Life with Better Boundaries

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Final Thoughts

You can be generous without allowing yourself to be used. You can be kind without being a pushover. You can be well-liked without having to sell your soul.

Don’t allow your fears and insecurities to turn you into a chronic people-pleaser. Instead, make time to please one of the most important people in your life: you.

Why? Because when you care for yourself, you can care for others out of the abundance of your own well-being. You will do this not because you are afraid of losing their affection, but simply because you want to. You will experience true freedom.

So decide today to give yourself the same love and attention you give to others. This is one decision you won’t regret.

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Featured photo credit: Brooke Cagle via unsplash.com

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