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Do People Who Have More Relationship Experience Have Happier Marriage?

Do People Who Have More Relationship Experience Have Happier Marriage?

While many may believe that a past with many different partners increases the chance of happiness due to an acknowledgement of problem areas, it actually makes enjoying the marriage all the more difficult due to constant comparisons, fear of rejection, and being unable to ever fully commit to the person you’ve said vows to. According to studies, people who have more relationship experience in life are less likely to have a happy marriage.

“Couples who invite a lot of family and friends to their nuptials tend to have happier marriages than those who don’t,” said a study from the University of Virginia. Here, they tracked 1,000 Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 who were not married at the time, and followed them for five years. By noting those got married, they found a range of results.

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Here are the findings from two studies that discuss the phenomena:

More Sexual Partners Means More Negativity

study from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia titled Before ‘I Do’: What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults highlights how premarital experiences can affect your happiness in marriage. One finding was that those who have had more sexual partners are likely to have more negativity in their relationship; are they fixated on a casual or recreational state of mind?

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That Rebellious Attitude

This Fox News report followed this message, stating that more previous partners equal a higher chance of divorce. Much of the discussion circled around attitude, with the experienced section of society quicker to end things and move on to seek greener pastures rather than sorting out issues. There is also the point of family; having regular sexual partners or an increased number of relationships lessens the need to link with your significant other’s family as they aren’t viewed as a necessary part of the bond. And we all know this is wrong.

Constant Fear of Life Repeating Itself

Comparing a husband to past boyfriends (or a wife to past girlfriends) means there will be triggers. If there is a similar conversation that led to an earlier break-up, misery begins. Ignorance is bliss, and if you don’t have that prior negative relationship to dwell on, there is less chance of directly thinking of negativity. Everyone fights, especially married couples. Not every relationship will end.

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‘You’re Just Like Him!’

An argument containing these words hurts both parties. It makes the person with less experience think about you with another partner, and it makes you think back to when someone did some significant inner damage that hasn’t repaired. Arguments in marriage are where the differing experience levels clash, and having more knowledge in battle doesn’t always result in victory.

Coping Mechanisms, The Chameleon of The Marriage

While it can be viewed as a generalization, a person that has had many sexual partners often attaches less meaning to the act and can use it as a coping mechanism. This invokes cheating, and even though marriage is meant to cancel the opportunities with others, a tough period can call upon old habits. They die hard, so the saying goes. The husband/wife with less experience wouldn’t be able to slip into that persona in the same way, hence ending the marriage and any happiness.

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Never Discovering That Level of Adult Responsibility

High levels of past relationships can equate to selfishness. Selfishness waves goodbye to responsibility. In a marriage, this can range from chores, to pets, to finances, to children. Many people will grow out of this phase and enter marriage with the mindset of becoming a fully fledged adult, but see coping mechanisms for that great old saying. The study from Virginia stated:

“Couples who “slide” rather than “decide” their way through life-changing transitions like having sex, living together and becoming pregnant are less likely to report high-quality marriages.”

And Finally…the old slip of the tongue

A person in a marriage will unfortunately blurt out details of past flames, whether they mean to or not. Memories are the mementos we carry around in our head, be they of good or bad times. The more experience, the more memories. It can be hard to completely trust others, or yourself, again.

So while there is often a claim that you can’t beat experience, in a marriage, there are few worse things than a head full of the past. Each to their own, but studies show that people who have more relationship experience generally have less happiness once the wedding bells clear.

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Last Updated on December 10, 2019

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

Here’s the truth: your effectiveness at life is not what it could be. You’re missing out.

Each day passes by and you have nothing to prove that it even happened. Did you achieve something? Go on a date? Have an emotional breakthrough? Who knows?

But what you do know is that you don’t want to make the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past.

Our lives are full of hidden gems of knowledge and insight, and the most recent events in our lives contain the most useful gems of all. Do you know why? It’s simple, those hidden lessons are the most up to date, meaning they have the largest impact on what we’re doing right now.

But the question is, how do you get those lessons? There’s a simple way to do it, and it doesn’t involve time machines:

Journal writing.

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Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloguing every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing.

Journal writing is a useful and flexible tool to help shed light on achieving your goals.

Here’s 5 smart reasons why you should do journal writing:

1. Journals Help You Have a Better Connection with Your Values, Emotions, and Goals

By journaling about what you believe in, why you believe it, how you feel, and what your goals are, you understand your relationships with these things better. This is because you must sort through the mental clutter and provide details on why you do what you do and feel what you feel.

Consider this:

Perhaps you’ve spent the last year or so working at a job you don’t like. It would be easy to just suck it up and keep working with your head down, going on as if it’s supposed to be normal to not like your job. Nobody else is complaining, so why should you, right?

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But a little journal writing will set things straight for you. You don’t like your job. You feel like it’s robbing you of happiness and satisfaction, and you don’t see yourself better there in the future.

The other workers? Maybe they don’t know, maybe they don’t care. But you do, you know and care enough to do something about it. And you’re capable of fixing this problem because your journal writing allows you to finally be honest with yourself about it.

2. Journals Improve Mental Clarity and Help Improve Your Focus

If there’s one thing journal writing is good for, it’s clearing the mental clutter.

How does it work? Simply, whenever you have a problem and write about it in a journal, you transfer the problem from your head to the paper. This empties the mind, allowing allocation of precious resources to problem-solving rather than problem-storing.

Let’s say you’ve been juggling several tasks at work. You’ve got data entry, testing, e-mails, problems with the boss, and so on—enough to overwhelm you—but as you start journal writing, things become clearer and easier to understand: Data entry can actually wait till Thursday; Bill kindly offered earlier to do my testing; For e-mails, I can check them now; the boss is just upset because Becky called in sick, etc.

You become better able to focus and reason your tasks out, and this is an indispensable and useful skill to have.

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3. Journals Improve Insight and Understanding

As a positive consequence of improving your mental clarity, you become more open to insights you may have missed before. As you write your notes out, you’re essentially having a dialogue with yourself. This draws out insights that you would have missed otherwise; it’s almost as if two people are working together to better understand each other. This kind of insight is only available to the person who has taken the time to connect with and understand themselves in the form of writing.

Once you’ve gotten a few entries written down, new insights can be gleaned from reading over them. What themes do you see in your life? Do you keep switching goals halfway through? Are you constantly dating the same type of people who aren’t good for you? Have you slowly but surely pushed people out of your life for fear of being hurt?

All of these questions can be answered by simply self-reflecting, but you can only discover the answers if you’ve captured them in writing. These questions are going to be tough to answer without a journal of your actions and experiences.

4. Journals Track Your Overall Development

Life happens, and it can happen fast. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and look around at what’s happening to us at each moment. We don’t get to see the step-by-step progress that we’re making in our own lives. So what happens? One day it’s the future, and you have no idea how you’ve gotten there.

Journal writing allows you to see how you’ve changed over time, so you can see where you did things right, and you can see where you took a misstep and fell.

The great thing about journals is that you’ll know what that misstep was, and you can make sure it doesn’t happen again—all because you made sure to log it, allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes.

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5. Journals Facilitate Personal Growth

The best thing about journal writing is that no matter what you end up writing about, it’s hard to not grow from it. You can’t just look at a past entry in which you acted shamefully and say “that was dumb, anyway!” No, we say “I will never make a dumb choice like that again!”

It’s impossible not to grow when it comes to journal writing. That’s what makes journal writing such a powerful tool, whether it’s about achieving goals, becoming a better person, or just general personal-development. No matter what you use it for, you’ll eventually see yourself growing as a person.

Kickstart Journaling

How can journaling best be of use to you? To vent your emotions? To help achieve your goals? To help clear your mind? What do you think makes journaling such a useful life skill?

Know the answer? Then it’s about time you reap the benefits of journal writing and start putting pen to paper.

Here’s what you can do to start journaling:

Featured photo credit: Jealous Weekends via unsplash.com

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