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Do People Who Have More Relationship Experience Have Happier Marriage?

Do People Who Have More Relationship Experience Have Happier Marriage?

While many may believe that a past with many different partners increases the chance of happiness due to an acknowledgement of problem areas, it actually makes enjoying the marriage all the more difficult due to constant comparisons, fear of rejection, and being unable to ever fully commit to the person you’ve said vows to. According to studies, people who have more relationship experience in life are less likely to have a happy marriage.

“Couples who invite a lot of family and friends to their nuptials tend to have happier marriages than those who don’t,” said a study from the University of Virginia. Here, they tracked 1,000 Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 who were not married at the time, and followed them for five years. By noting those got married, they found a range of results.

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Here are the findings from two studies that discuss the phenomena:

More Sexual Partners Means More Negativity

study from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia titled Before ‘I Do’: What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults highlights how premarital experiences can affect your happiness in marriage. One finding was that those who have had more sexual partners are likely to have more negativity in their relationship; are they fixated on a casual or recreational state of mind?

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That Rebellious Attitude

This Fox News report followed this message, stating that more previous partners equal a higher chance of divorce. Much of the discussion circled around attitude, with the experienced section of society quicker to end things and move on to seek greener pastures rather than sorting out issues. There is also the point of family; having regular sexual partners or an increased number of relationships lessens the need to link with your significant other’s family as they aren’t viewed as a necessary part of the bond. And we all know this is wrong.

Constant Fear of Life Repeating Itself

Comparing a husband to past boyfriends (or a wife to past girlfriends) means there will be triggers. If there is a similar conversation that led to an earlier break-up, misery begins. Ignorance is bliss, and if you don’t have that prior negative relationship to dwell on, there is less chance of directly thinking of negativity. Everyone fights, especially married couples. Not every relationship will end.

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‘You’re Just Like Him!’

An argument containing these words hurts both parties. It makes the person with less experience think about you with another partner, and it makes you think back to when someone did some significant inner damage that hasn’t repaired. Arguments in marriage are where the differing experience levels clash, and having more knowledge in battle doesn’t always result in victory.

Coping Mechanisms, The Chameleon of The Marriage

While it can be viewed as a generalization, a person that has had many sexual partners often attaches less meaning to the act and can use it as a coping mechanism. This invokes cheating, and even though marriage is meant to cancel the opportunities with others, a tough period can call upon old habits. They die hard, so the saying goes. The husband/wife with less experience wouldn’t be able to slip into that persona in the same way, hence ending the marriage and any happiness.

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Never Discovering That Level of Adult Responsibility

High levels of past relationships can equate to selfishness. Selfishness waves goodbye to responsibility. In a marriage, this can range from chores, to pets, to finances, to children. Many people will grow out of this phase and enter marriage with the mindset of becoming a fully fledged adult, but see coping mechanisms for that great old saying. The study from Virginia stated:

“Couples who “slide” rather than “decide” their way through life-changing transitions like having sex, living together and becoming pregnant are less likely to report high-quality marriages.”

And Finally…the old slip of the tongue

A person in a marriage will unfortunately blurt out details of past flames, whether they mean to or not. Memories are the mementos we carry around in our head, be they of good or bad times. The more experience, the more memories. It can be hard to completely trust others, or yourself, again.

So while there is often a claim that you can’t beat experience, in a marriage, there are few worse things than a head full of the past. Each to their own, but studies show that people who have more relationship experience generally have less happiness once the wedding bells clear.

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Last Updated on February 21, 2019

The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

In business, in social relationships, in family… In whatever context conflict is always inevitable, especially when you are in the leader role. This role equals “make decisions for the best of majority” and the remaining are not amused. Conflicts arise.

Conflicts arise when we want to push for a better quality work but some members want to take a break from work.

Conflicts arise when we as citizens want more recreational facilities but the Government has to balance the needs to maintain tourism growth.

Conflicts are literally everywhere.

Avoiding Conflicts a No-No and Resolving Conflicts a Win-Win

Avoiding conflicts seem to be a viable option for us. The cruel fact is, it isn’t. Conflicts won’t walk away by themselves. They will, instead, escalate and haunt you back even more when we finally realize that’s no way we can let it be.

Moreover, avoiding conflicts will eventually intensify the misunderstanding among the involved parties. And the misunderstanding severely hinders open communication which later on the parties tend to keep things secret. This is obviously detrimental to teamwork.

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Some may view conflicts as the last step before arguments. And they thus leave it aside as if they never happen. This is not true.

Conflicts are the intersect point between different individuals with different opinions. And this does not necessarily lead to argument.

Instead, proper handling of conflicts can actually result in a win-win situation – both parties are pleased and allies are gained. A better understanding between each other and future conflicts are less likely to happen.

The IBR Approach to Resolve Conflicts

Here, we introduce to you an effective approach to resolve conflicts – the Interest-Based Relational (IBR) approach. The IBR approach was developed by Roger Fisher and William Ury in their 1981 book Getting to Yes. It stresses the importance of the separation between people and their emotions from the problem. Another focus of the approach is to build mutual understanding and respect as they strengthen bonds among parties and can ultimately help resolve conflicts in a harmonious way. The approach suggests a 6-step procedure for conflict resolution:

Step 1: Prioritize Good Relationships

How? Before addressing the problem or even starting the discussion, make it clear the conflict can result in a mutual trouble and through subsequent respectful negotiation the conflict can be resolved peacefully. And that brings the best outcome to the whole team by working together.

Why? It is easy to overlook own cause of the conflict and point the finger to the members with different opinions. With such a mindset, it is likely to blame rather than to listen to the others and fail to acknowledge the problem completely. Such a discussion manner will undermine the good relationships among the members and aggravate the problem.

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Example: Before discussion, stress that the problem is never one’s complete fault. Everyone is responsible for it. Then, it is important to point out our own involvement in the problem and state clearly we are here to listen to everyone’s opinions rather than accusing others.

Step 2: People Are NOT the Cause of Problem

How? State clearly the problem is never one-sided. Collaborative effort is needed. More importantly, note the problem should not be taken personally. We are not making accusations on persons but addressing the problem itself.

Why? Once things taken personally, everything will go out of control. People will become irrational and neglect others’ opinions. We are then unable to address the problem properly because we cannot grasp a fuller and clearer picture of the problem due to presumption.

Example: In spite of the confronting opinions, we have to emphasize that the problem is not a result of the persons but probably the different perspectives to view it. So, if we try to look at the problem from the other’s perspective, we may understand why there are varied opinions.

Step 3: Listen From ALL Stances

How? Do NOT blame others. It is of utmost importance. Ask for everyone’s opinions. It is important to let everyone feel that they contribute to the discussion. Tell them their involvement is essential to solve the problem and their effort is very much appreciated.

Why? None wants to be ignored. If one feels neglected, it is very likely for he/she to be aggressive. It is definitely not what we hope to see in a discussion. Acknowledging and being acknowledged are equally important. So, make sure everyone has equal opportunity to express their views. Also, realizing their opinions are not neglected, they will be more receptive to other opinions.

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Example: A little trick can played here: Invite others to talk first. It is an easy way to let others feel involved and ,more importantly, know their voices are heard. Also, we can show that we are actively listening to them by giving direct eye-contact and nodding. One important to note is that never interrupt anyone. Always let them finish first beforeanother one begins.

Step 4: Listen Comes First, Talk Follows

How? Ensure everyone has listened to one another points of view. It can be done by taking turn to speak and leaving the discussion part at last. State once again the problem is nothing personal and no accusation should be made.

Why? By turn-taking, everyone can finish talking and voices of all sides can be heard indiscriminantly. This can promote willingness to listen to opposing opinions.

Example: We can prepare pieces of paper with different numbers written on them. Then, ask different members to pick one and talk according to the sequence of the number. After everyone’s finished, advise everyone to use “I” more than “You” in the discussion period to avoid others thinking that it is an accusation.

Step 5: Understand the Facts, Then Address the Problem

How? List out ALL the facts first. Ask everyone to tell what they know about the problems.

Why? Sometimes your facts are unknown to the others while they may know something we don’t. Missing out on these facts could possibly lead to inaccurate capture of the problem. Also, different known facts can lead to different perception of the matter. It also helps everyone better understand the problem and can eventually help reach a solution.

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Example: While everyone is expressing their own views, ask them to write down everything they know that is true to the problem. As soon as everyone has finished, all facts can be noted and everyone’s understanding of the problem is raised.

Step 6: Solve the Problem Together

How? Knowing what everyone’s thinking, it is now time to resolve the conflict. Up to this point, everyone should have understood the problem better. So, it is everyone’s time to suggest some solutions. It is important not to have one giving all the solutions.

Why? Having everyone suggesting their solutions is important as they will not feel excluded and their opinions are considered. Besides, it may also generate more solutions that can better resolve the conflicts. Everyone will more likely be satisfied with the result.

Example: After discussion, ask all members to suggest any possible solutions and stress that all solutions are welcomed. State clearly that we are looking for the best outcomes for everyone’s sake rather than battling to win over one another. Then, evaluate all the solutions and pick the one that is in favor of everyone.

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