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6 Things To Remember After a Break Up

6 Things To Remember After a Break Up

Break ups suck. We all know that but there are some things to remember after a break up which make it easier to handle it.

1. You broke up for a reason.

Either you changed or they changed. There is always a reason for a break up. Moving away from or out of a unhappy situation is the logical thing to do. Just remember that breaking up with them is for the better. Think long term here. Don’t just tolerate anyone in your life if you don’t have to. Set up personal boundaries. Surround yourself with people who add value to your life and treat them with respect so they will stay around. This will contribute a lot to both your overall levels of happiness and success.

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2. With time, you will adapt to change.

You can always recover from loss. Your brain will eventually get used to it and reset itself back at the same levels of happiness that it was at before. Even someone who ends up in a horrible life changing accident will eventually get used to it, move on, and return to their normal state. So let go. A lot of people have a hard time accepting change. The reality is you shouldn’t be surprised by it. Everything has a beginning and an end, including relationships.

3. It’s OK to experience negative emotions.

Don’t try to resist your emotions. Experience them. Notice them. Let them pass. However, don’t let them dictate your actions or control you. You might miss the person for who they were, or the good times you had with them, and that is OK. But those are just memories of what once was. Be grateful for the good times in the past and move on. Be present in the moment. Breathe deeply. Meditate. This is scientifically proven to immediately start reducing stress levels. Science has also proven that viewing stress as a bad thing actually makes it more harmful for your health, so view stress as good for your health’s sake.

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4. You are still you. Be self-sufficient.

Just because that person isn’t in your life anymore doesn’t mean you aren’t the same person. You can still do life fulfilling things without them. You don’t need any one person in your life to start living the way you want to live and moving towards better things. Become self-reliant and self-sufficient. Figure out what motivates you. Develop a good work ethic. Move towards goals that are meaningful to you. Stay busy living the life that you really want to live with or without any one particular person.

5. Focus on what you’ve learned and take responsibility.

We are all constantly evolving, changing, and learning. The people who are around you evolve with you, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Someone may develop some negative habits or personality traits. They also might succeed in doing just the opposite and making a great success of themselves. Whatever it is, take the lessons you got from the relationship and move on. By doing this you become a stronger person and you are less likely to be surprised or hurt in the future.

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Don’t try to play the blame game either. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect. You are responsible for letting that person in your life in the first place. Analyze yourself and see where you may have gone wrong in the relationship, even if you never really liked the person anyway. You will find there was probably a better way you could’ve handled certain situations. Forgive yourself and forgive the other person for whatever offenses they may have committed against you. Hanging on to regret or resentment won’t help anybody. Let it all go. Again, take the lessons, learn from it, and move on.

6. Let go of outcomes.

Appreciate any good times you may have had with that person. But let go of the outcome. This may sound really negative, but it’s not. The reason break ups are so painful for people in the first place is because they are attached to an outcome or a result. They may not even be enjoying the relationship moment by moment for what it is. You should be doing just the opposite. Enjoy the time you spend with people and socializing with them. Stop focusing so much on an end result that is never really guaranteed anyway.

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Featured photo credit: Alessandra di Nunno via flickr.com

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Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

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2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

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Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

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12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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