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10 Things a Single Mom Needs to Say to Her Kids

10 Things a Single Mom Needs to Say to Her Kids

There’s no way to beat around the bush. When my beautiful children were the ages of three and five, their father left us. I found myself facing all the responsibility, all the frustration and terror, and all the pain and sleeplessness of raising two amazing little beings on my own. On good days, I surprised myself with the confidence that I could do whatever it took to make it through the challenges. As the kids and I moved through the years together, I often wondered how they were perceiving the conflict and challenges of our lives.Their understanding of events and circumstances changed during their growing-up stages. I tried to respond to their questions in age-appropriate ways with just enough information to satisfy them at that stage of their lives. It was like feeding them the story little bits at a time, in the hope that it would someday all come together for them.

Now that they are grown up, I want to formally bring all those pieces together. I want my kids to know (with clear adult minds) what it was like for me to be a single mom and how special it was to me, in spite of all the challenges. One more time, in a comprehensive all-ages way, I want to shed light on these things so we can blast away any cobwebs left. I want them to be able to settle into themselves and march forward with peace into their lives.

I hope these 10 things I have said to my kids will help other single moms talk with their kids about this, too.

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To all my raised-by-a-single-mom kids out there…

1. You need to know: Being a single mom was about you, not me.

I admit, sometimes it felt like this single-mom-thing was happening to me. I felt sorry for myself and wondered if I could do it. I sometimes shrunk from the heaviness of my responsibility. However, in the end, my focus always came back to you and what I needed to do for you — and that was my saving grace. Once I got over my pity party and moved past my sorrow and questioning, I found strength in my role as the mom who would help you find your own strength. Yes, I took time to care for myself. I learned to take time away to be with friends and pursue my passions, but at the center of my life was you, and I liked it that way.

2. You need to know: It was hard to be a single mom, but not too hard.

As an adult, you might be tempted to feel sorry for me when you realize how difficult it was for me to be a single mom. It’s important for you to know that I always bounced back from difficulties. I found my dance and came up with ways to deal with seemingly impossible things. It turns out raising you alone wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. In fact, I ended up feeling proud of what we accomplished together. We were also very lucky to have the love and support of family members and friends. In a way, your father’s absence was made up by the presence of many others in our lives. You need to know this today, so you can have confidence that you were raised the right way. Knowing that will make you strong. You will face hard things in your life. However, they won’t be too hard. You will have the power to overcome, just as I did.

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3. You need to know: You made me laugh and brought me joy.

The seriousness of some of the situations we were in might weigh on you as you continue to grow and change. Don’t let it! The bad stuff is not at the heart of what we were as a family back then. The great power behind us was (and has always been) love and fun, and laughter and joy. We knew how to do silly dances in the living room when we couldn’t sleep. We knew how to ignore housework and let loose with the bubble guns. We knew how to fun-erize anything that was slightly annoying or boring. We could also quietly analyze life’s problems together and come up with brilliant solutions. We also made jokes or made music to take away the stress. Take no ownership of the heaviness, which I know children of divorce sometimes are wont to do. Without you, my life would have been much less bright. Take those jester’s skills into your future.

4. You need to remember: “Take the good and leave the bad.”

You know this saying well. We used it all the time. Whether it was you-know-who being a little crazy-headed, your friends when they were overbearing, teachers when they just didn’t get it, or anyone or anything else in life, this motto carried us through. It carried us through with each other sometimes, too (wink). It can still carry you through anything life throws your way. Don’t dwell on the bad. Doing that gives energy to the wrong thing, and the bad usually doesn’t truly belong to you. You have a birthright to take the good to heart, embrace it, and make it grow. If you learned anything from this journey at all, I hope it’s that you have a choice in the way every moment of every day of the rest of your life will go. You can make it go well, simply by choosing the good and letting the bad lie.

5. You need to know: Single moms don’t know anything.

Some people would like you to believe I didn’t know how to take care of you the way you needed to be taken care of. On the surface, maybe you realize now this is not true. However, you will be tempted throughout your life to question it, because it’s a channel cut when you were young. Remember that now you know I am an intelligent and capable person and parent. Even if I didn’t know what I was doing sometimes, I figured it out, just as if I had still been with your dad. I don’t urge you to do this for my sake, but for your own. You need to feel the confidence of having been raised by a parent who WAS capable of taking care of you, come hell or high water. You need to know that you don’t know anything either. When you admit this, you will be able to figure things out and take care of yourself.

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6. You need to know: Single moms sometimes make mistakes.

So… having urged you to remember how capable I was, I need to now urge you to remember that I was (and still am) only human, and so are you. Mistakes are in our DNA. If you can forgive me for the mistakes I made as a single mom, you will be able to forgive yourself for the mistakes you will most certainly make throughout your life. We are so much more than the circumstances that surround us. We can claw our way up any hill we fall down. We can figure out how to not fall down again, because we don’t like it at the bottom. Take pleasure in the FACT that you, as a human, with the muscle behind you of things greater than yourselves, have the ability to overcome anything.

7. You need to remember: Mama-Bear power is real.

If you remember, when something threatened you, or when I thought it was threatening you, my single-mom Mama-Bear persona took over, like The Hulk takes over the professor. Sometimes it was the threat of you not doing your homework and ending up living on the streets. Sometimes it was the threat of someone older taking advantage of you, or a friend leading you to trouble. The mama bear in me rose up because my life experiences gave me the ability to see the potential consequences of those situations. First, I want you to understand this because I hope you will love me for it instead of resenting it. Second, I want you to know you have that kind of power in you too. Decide what you care about, then allow your own bear-sized power to rise up and protect it.

8. You need to know: I don’t think your dad is the devil.

Okay, I admit sometimes I used to think he was. He did, after all, leave me to deal with my own little hell of a financial ruin, broken love, logistic catastrophes, social desolation, and a blitzed future. You should probably hear this as adults, so you know it was real. It’s natural that people feel these things, under the circumstances. You’re old enough now to know that I was devastated. And, yes, I blamed him. But you also know I got past it. You also know, without a doubt. that you were not a part of that little hell, in the least. In fact, right smack in the middle of hell, I found heaven: You — and your cute faces, bad puns, and tender little hugs. I figured out how to earn a living, navigate the challenges, find new loves, and create my own bright future. I don’t know your dad well after all these years, but I am absolutely convinced that he loves you and has always loved you, just for you, in the way he knows best. You need to know, I think it’s okay for you to like him, to love him, and to be loved by him. It’s even okay to tell me what you love about him. I know now that he is not the devil.

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9. You need to know: It’s okay to love and get married.

You’ll hear me say, I probably won’t ever fall in love or get married again. But that’s just me. And that’s just now. I’m smart enough to know some relationships work out well, and that’s what I want you to remember. It’s okay to fall in love and get married. It’s one of the great and glorious adventures of life. Just because love brings challenges, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grab it and live it with gusto. Go all the way! Just remember to consider your choices carefully. Listen — truly listen — to your heart before you leap. Give your head enough time to weigh the pros and cons honestly. Then, if it makes sense, jump. Make sure you are treated as well as the other person in the relationship. And be sure you both have the right weapons to fight the battle. Then fight like mad to keep it. If it really is not going to work out, you will recover, as I did. When love appears in your lives, go for it with your whole heart and be happy.

10. You need to remember: I am still here. Being a single mom to you didn’t wear me out.

It’s natural to believe single moms sing the halleluiah chorus when the kids leave home, because they are worn out from years of solo parenting. I admit, I like having my own space now after living toe-to-toe and feeling the weight of responsibility for so many years. But I think you feel the same way, right? You were ready to be on your own when you left home. And so was I. On the other hand, do not ever think I became so worn out being a single mom that I don’t want to be your mom anymore. In fact, being your mom is what I’m most proud of. Being your mom gives me the most energy and joy in my life — still, to this very day. This is a cliché for a reason. Moms feel this way, for truth. So, I’m counting on you to call me when you need a ride to the all-night pharmacy or when you don’t quite have enough money to fix your bike. Text me when you need to brag about your latest creative genius or you just remembered a funny grandpa-joke we used to tell at the dinner table. I’m still here to share life with you through happiness, sadness, frustration, and any kind of hell.

Featured photo credit: Girl Looking at the Sun at Sunrise/Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

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Last Updated on November 17, 2019

40 Amazing Date Ideas for Valentine’s Day

40 Amazing Date Ideas for Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, starry-eyed lovers worldwide are getting ready to celebrate their love and planning the perfect date for their partner. However, there are many loving, caring, and generally great people out there who simply can’t think of a single romantic thing to do, let alone create the ultimate Valentine’s Day experience for their loved one. If you are looking for some great date ideas that will put a smile on your partner’s face and melt their heart, then just keep on reading. I’ve got a pretty big list of choices for you. Here are some great ideas ranging from tried and true classics, to the fun and slightly unconventional.

1. Rom-coms marathon

This is a very basic yet highly romantic way of spending the day with your partner. Take a few days to prepare the right playlist and create a romantic atmosphere at home. You can order out some food, open a bottle of wine and cuddle up in front of the TV.

2. Recreate your first date

Rated pretty high on the “romantic gestures scale,” this is guaranteed to impress your significant other. It requires a good memory and a bit of work to make it just right, but it is well worth it. Walk down the same streets where you first kissed and have a couple of drinks in that old coffee shop where you had your first drinks together. Don’t be afraid to spend a bit extra and add a little romantic gift into the mix.

3. Cook for your loved one

Start researching good recipes for a romantic dinner for two, get the right ingredients and prepare a couple of practice dinners to make sure you’ve got your technique and presentation down pat. Cooking for someone can be a big turn on and you can create some incredible meals without spending too much money. Take it up a notch by dressing classy, decorating your dining room and presenting your partner with a printed menu.

4. Organize your very own ancient Greek party

Here’s another one of those creative date ideas for the stay-at-home couple. The ancient Greek private party can be a very fun and erotic experience. You can decorate by using big bowls full of grapes, spreading some white sheets all over the place, placing some plastic vines here and there, putting up a few posters depicting Greek parties and having plenty of wine lying around. Wear nothing but light sheets or costumes and channel some of that hot-blooded Greek spirit.

5. A romantic weekend getaway in the mountains

For those looking for a change of scenery and an escape from the busy city, there is nothing better than a quiet, romantic weekend in the mountains. There are plenty of fun activities like skiing that will keep you active. You can have fun making a snowman or engaging in a snowball fight, and, of course, there is plenty of privacy and great room service waiting for you back at your room.

6. Fun day at the shooting range

A bit unconventional but an incredibly fun and exciting date that will get your blood pumping and put a huge smile on your faces. Try out a number of guns and have a bit of a competition. Some outdoor ranges have fully automatic rifles, which are a blast to shoot.

7. Rent an expensive sports car for a day

Don’t be afraid to live large from time to time—even if you can’t afford the glamorous lifestyle of the stars, you can most definitely play pretend for a day. Put on some classy clothes and drive around town in a rented sports car. The quick acceleration and high speed are sure to provide an exhilarating experience.

8. Go on a shopping spree together

Very few things can elicit such a huge dopamine rush as a good old shopping spree. Get some new lingerie, pretty shoes, a nice shirt and tie, a couple of new video games or whatever else you need or want. This is a unique chance to bond, have fun and get some stuff that you’ve been waiting to buy for a while now.

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9. Hit the clubs

For all the party animals out there, one of the best date ideas is to go out drinking, dancing, and just generally enjoying the night life. Visit a few good clubs, then go to an after-party and keep that party spirit going for as long as you can.

10. Spend the day driving around the city and visiting new places

This one is geared towards couples who have been together for a year or two and want to experience a few new things together. Visit a few cool coffee places on the other side of town, check out interesting restaurants you’ve never been to, and consider going to see a play or having fun at a comedy club on open mic night.

11. Wine and chocolates at sunset

Pick out a romantic location, such as a camping spot on a hill overlooking the city or a balcony in a restaurant with a nice view, open a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates and wait for that perfect moment when the sky turns fiery red to embrace and share a passionate kiss.

12. Ice skating

There is something incredibly fun about ice skating that brings people closer together and just keeps you laughing (maybe it’s all the falling and clinging to the other person for dear life). You can have some great fun and then move on to a more private location for some alone time.

13. Body painting

Speaking of private locations and intimate moments, body painting allows you to spice things up back at your place and add a new element of fun to foreplay. You’ll need adequate body paints and some brushes and the rest is up to you. You can do tiger stripes, paint a t-shirt on your partner, or go for something more abstract—the choice is yours.

14. Model clothes for each other

This one goes well when combined with a shopping spree, but you can just get a bunch of your clothes—old and new—from the closet, set up a catwalk area and then try on different combinations. You can be stylish, funny or beautiful. It’s a great after-dinner show and a good way to transition into a more intimate atmosphere.

15. Dance the night away

If you and your significant other are relatively good dancers, or if you simply enjoy moving your body to the rhythm of the music, then a night at salsa club or similar venue is the perfect thing for you. Alternatively, you can set up dance floor at home, play your favorite music, have a few drinks and dance like there is no tomorrow.

16. Lock the doors, turn off the phones and have the whole house to yourselves

This one might seem a bit obvious and kind of redundant seeing as how I’ve already mentioned a bunch of stay-at-home date ideas that require this step as a prerequisite, but when I say, “Have the whole house to yourselves,” I literally mean turning the whole house into romantic stage where you can explore your fantasies. Decorate each room a bit differently, have a lot of snacks and drinks lying around, put a bunch of blankets and pillows on the floor and go from room to room throughout the day. You can start off with a steaming shower, have a romantic meal, then watch a movie cuddled up on the couch and eventually make your way to the bedroom.

17. Organize a nature walk

Being outside has many health benefits, but what you are going for is the beautiful view, seclusion, and the thrill of engaging in some erotic behavior out in the open. You can rent a cottage far from the city, bring some food and drinks, and explore the wilderness. This is nice way to spice things up a bit and get away from the loud and busy city life.

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18. Act out a fun scenario wearing costumes

Some role-playing may be just the thing you need to spice up your love life after a few years of being together, but it can be a very fun experience for new couples as well. Work on the scenario together (wounded soldier and nurse, a female cop arresting a robber, etc.), buy the right costumes and accessories beforehand and find a good setting. You could also rent a hotel room to add to the forbidden-fruit vibe.

19. Travel abroad

This takes a bit of planning in advance and may be a bit costly, but if you can afford it, there are very few things that can match a trip to France, Italy, Egypt, Turkey, Greece, or a number of other excellent locations.

20. Go on a hot-air balloon ride

These are very fun and romantic—you get an incredible view, get to experience the thrill of flying, and you’ve got enough room for a romantic dinner and some champagne. Just be sure to wear warm clothes, it can get pretty cold high up in the air.

21. A relaxing day at the spa

Treat your body, mind and senses to a relaxing day at the spa. You and your partner will feel fresh, comfortable and relaxed—a perfect date for the more serious couples who don’t get to spend as much time with each other as they’d like.

22. A trip down memory lane

This one is great for long-term couples who will benefit from reminiscing about all of their fondest memories together from the start of the relationship through to the present, reliving some of the most significant moments they shared.

23. Fun times at a karaoke bar

A great choice for couples celebrating their first Valentine’s Day together—it’s fairly informal and inexpensive, yet incredibly fun and allows for deeper bonding. Once you have a few drinks in your system and come to terms with the fact that you are making a complete fool of yourself, you’ll have the time of your life!

24. Helicopter tour of the city followed by dinner

A modern equivalent to the hot-air balloon ride, the helicopter tour is among the more reasonably priced date ideas and is incredibly romantic and exciting. After about half an hour or an hour of sightseeing you can finish off the upper-class experience by dining in a nice restaurant.

25. Horseback riding

Horseback riding is incredibly fun, especially if you’ve never done it before. And what girl doesn’t dream of a prince coming to take her on an adventure on his noble steed? It evokes a sense of nobility and is a very good bonding experience.

26. Plan a fun date night with other couples

Take a break and rent a cabin in the woods, go to a mountain resort, a couple’s retreat, or just organize a huge date night at someone’s place and hang out with other couples. This is a great option for couples who have spent at least one Valentine’s Day together and allows you to customize your experience to suit your needs. Also, you can always retire early and get some alone time with your partner if you so desire.

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27. Cocktail night

This can be done privately, or with other couples if you are organizing a group Valentine’s Day celebration at someone’s house. All you need is a bunch of different drinks, a few accessories like fruit and spices, and internet access to check out some cool recipes online. Try out all sorts of fun cocktails and mix some brand new ones on your own. Make it a fancy dress night for added fun.

28. Make reservations at an exclusive restaurant

A fairly old school move, except this time you can pick out a restaurant that serves a particular type of cuisine you’ve never tried before. Go for a place that has unusual menus and likes to make a show out of presenting the food, rather than just going for your regular “suits and monocles” type venue.

29. Go to a concert

There are a whole bunch of things happening around Valentine’s Day, so go online and check out what’s happening near you. You’ll surely be able to find tickets for a cool concert or some type of festival with live music.

30. Fancy night on the town

Buy some elegant new clothes, rent a limo for the night and go to a nice restaurant, followed by a jazz club or gallery exhibition. Walk tall, make a few sarcastic quips, and have a few laughs with your partner while letting your inner snob take charge for a few hours.

31. Take a tour of the historical and cultural sites of your city

For the cultured crowd and history buffs among us, a day spent learning about some of the local history and delving deeper into national culture is both incredibly fun and a great way to share a unique experience with a loved one. You’d be surprised to find just how much you don’t know about the place you live in.

32. Live out a James Bond film at a casino

A beautiful lady in a simple yet sensual, form-fitting, black dress, and a strong and handsome, if somewhat stern-looking man in a fine suit walk up to a roulette table with drinks in hand and place bets at random as they smile at each other seductively. This is a scenario most of us wish to play out, but rarely get a chance. It can be a bit costly, but this is one of the most incredibly adventurous and romantic date ideas.

33. Go bungee jumping

People in long-term relationships often talk about things like keeping a relationship fun and exciting, doing new things together, trusting each other and using aphrodisiacs. Well, bungee jumping is a fun, exhilarating activity you can both enjoy; it requires trust and the adrenaline rush you get from it is better than any aphrodisiac out there. Just saying, give it a shot and you won’t regret it.

34. Take a tour of a winery or brewery

Taking a tour like this can be a great opportunity to learn new things about wine or beer (or perhaps whiskey) and how it is made, while at the same time getting a chance to taste some excellent drinks and get a few bottles for later in the evening.

35. Make a fun music video

Meet up earlier in the day, take decent camera, and start shooting a music video. Rehearse the lyrics (you can even make up your own silly song), dress up, and start filming. You’ll have tons of fun doing it and you can edit the video later and have a cool memento.

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36. Play some sports

Some one-on-one basketball, a soccer match against another couple, a bit of tennis, or even something as simple as a table tennis tournament (make it fun by stripping off items of clothing when you lose a game). You can combine this with date idea #13 and paint team uniforms on each other and play in the nude.

37. Visit a club with live music

A great option for just about any couple—pick a club that has live performers (whether it’s jazz, rock or even a poetry reading) and dress up for the occasion. Be sure to make reservations in advance to avoid the Valentine’s Day rush, and focus on making your date feel comfortable.

38. Take skydiving lessons

Another adrenaline-filled date, skydiving is sure to get your heart racing like crazy and leave you with a goofy grin for the rest of the day. You can offset all the excitement by ending the day with a quiet dinner at home.

39. Go for some paintball

Playing war games is an excellent way to get your body moving, focus on some of that hand-eye-coordination, and engage your brain in coming up with tactical solutions in the heat of the moment. It is also a great bonding experience, adrenaline-fueled fun, and role-playing all wrapped into one. And when you get back home, you can always act out the wounded soldier scenario (see #18).

40. Fill the whole day with random fun activities

Just say no to plans, reservations and clichés—take your partner by the hand, have your credit card ready and just go out and have some fun. Bowling, followed by a drink at a coffee shop and then a romantic movie? Sure, why not? Going for lunch at a nice restaurant and then organizing a double-date game night? Go right ahead. Going for a long walk in the park, visiting a museum, followed by romantic meal at home and then going out to a club? Hey, who am I to say no? You can use some of the ideas from this article and mash them up together to create a fun-filled Valentine’s Day you’ll both remember.

There you go, a whole bunch of useful date ideas for all you loving couples out there. You can pick out any one of these, make some adjustments or even combine different options to create the perfect Valentine’s Day date for your significant other. Plan ahead, have fun and celebrate your love proudly.

Featured photo credit: Relevante design via unsplash.com

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