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Why You Only Find Love When You Stop Looking For It

Why You Only Find Love When You Stop Looking For It

Love is a curious thing and most people are looking for it. Women seem to be especially susceptible to feeling the need to find someone to be with. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in the company of a friend and the subject of their need for a life partner has come up in the course of the conversation. The neediness and desperation of people often shows through their vulnerability for love. There is just one problem: neediness and desperation are not attractive. Want to know why it seems so common for people to find a partner when they aren’t looking? Keep reading for a couple of points on the subject:

Stop evaluating everyone as the potential “One”.

I have a girlfriend that is constantly talking about wanting to settle down with a man. Each time I talk to her, she seems to be evaluating every man she encounters as a potential husband. I finally had to tell her, “I hope you don’t come across as this desperate when out on a date.” My point is that a man can sense desperation from a woman, and no one wants to feel that they are being evaluated as a potential life partner, especially on a first date.

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Desperation comes across as a sign of weakness.

Desperation and neediness can come across as signs of weakness and low self-esteem, which can quell a spark before it starts. When a person is desperate to find a mate, he or she may not realize that conversations with others may be too transparent too soon. You do not have to tell your life story and personal details the first time you meet someone. Part of the appeal of someone is his or her mysteriousness.

When you stop looking for love, it appears.

When my husband and I met, I was not looking for a boyfriend, much less a husband. I had not given up on the prospect, but I was at a point in my life where that was not my focus. Because I was focused on my own pursuits at that time, men were coming out of nowhere asking me out on dates.

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When you are not looking for someone to love, that is when people tend to appear. The simple fact of focusing on other pursuits gives off an air of confidence to others. Focusing on your own life growth not only makes you a better person, but also makes you a better potential life partner. That is something that exudes from one’s personality and gives off that attractive confidence.

Not forcing love is more rewarding.

Being in love through “fate,” and not forcing a match between two people, is much more rewarding and lasting than trying to find a partner. Allowing the right person into your life through chance is much less exhausting than seeing every person as potentially being the “one” for you. Allowing love to find you will feel less stressful and more like a match made in heaven, rather than something that is fake and contrived.

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Don’t lose your objectivity to overuse.

Constantly looking for love can diminish your ability to be objective about people you meet. If that objectivity fades, how can you discern who is right for you in a relationship? After a while, everyone seems to be a good fit because you want him or her to be, not because he or she is the right fit. I have seen women make this mistake and lose their ability to make sound, coherent judgments of the character of others.

Law of Attraction

“Like attracts like” is the law of attraction–not in the sense that you want to attract someone exactly like you in terms of personality traits, but that you want love to attract itself to you. Also, the idea behind the concept is that the energy you give off is attractive to others. Being positive and relaxed will most certainly attract love to you in its own time.

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Finding love should not be a burden.

Letting love happen naturally will most certainly expedite your finding the right person. When you stop looking, the right person seems to walk in the door unexpectedly. Sometimes it is a psychological idea that when you take your mind off something, it happens. Finding love should not be burdensome, but fun. Do you not think it is more romantic when someone wants to be with you, just because? I certainly do.

Patience will bring the right person along.

More often than not, when you are desperately seeking love, you will be more likely to date any jerk that comes along. Patience is the key to finding the right person and letting love find you. Rushing into finding someone opens you up to the vulnerability of falling for the wrong person–like someone who may only be looking for a fling.

So, next time you are out with your friends, relax, take a deep breath, have fun, and be yourself. Do not try so hard to make someone like you. Just let love bloom naturally. You may find yourself in love sooner than you think.

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Last Updated on April 14, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

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