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I was diagnosed with cancer last week

I was diagnosed with cancer last week

I want to tell you about my reaction when I was told I had colon cancer last week and how I have been dealing with the diagnosis ever since.  Not because I think you are particularly interested in details about my health, but because I did something very unusual—yet something anyone can learn to do, something that can eliminate suffering from your life.

Here’s the relevant background

I have been visiting an oncologist (a cancer doctor) regularly for over eight years because of an earlier diagnosis of a type of blood cancer.  That illness was never very serious and had been managed originally by a very healthy diet, alternative procedures like acupuncture, and a bunch of herbs and supplements.  Eventually the condition did get worse and my doctor recommended (and I agreed to) a course of chemotherapy that resulted in total remission.

When I visited my oncologist about three weeks ago for a normal checkup she noticed that all my blood work was back to normal, as she had expected, except for my red cells being abnormally low.  They were so low that I had anemia.  She explained to me that the red cells should have improved along with the other blood markers.  She said she wanted to run some addition blood tests to find out why.

There was an event: I had anemia.  I didn’t give that event any meaning.  In other words, I didn’t know anything for sure as a result of that event.

The new blood tests showed that my iron and certain other related blood markers were very low.  That was another event and I didn’t give it any meaning.

The doctor said the most likely cause of the results was internal bleeding, so she ordered a fecal occult blood test to check for microscopic blood in the stool.  That test was positive.  That was another event and I didn’t give it any meaning.

To find out the source of the bleeding she ordered a colonoscopy. The gastroenterologist who did the colonoscopy told my wife Shelly and me that the biopsy of two masses in the colon indicated colon cancer.  At that point we knew the source of the low red blood count, the iron deficiency, and the blood in my stool.

I also learned that if the cancer had not spread beyond the lining of the colon and it was removed surgically, the problem would be totally solved.  If it had spread to other organs, then the prognosis could be serious.  But all I knew for sure was that I needed a relatively simple surgery to remove the piece of the colon that contained the two malignant masses.  That was another event and I did not give it any meaning.

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And because, as I’ve explained on several occasions, virtually all feelings come from the meaning we give events and not the events themselves, I never got scared or upset in the least as I got each new piece of information about my condition.

But what if you were told your odds of survival were very low?

When I told Shelly I was writing this she warned me that some people might say: “Sure you’re not scared; you know you’ll probably be cured.  What if you discover the cancer has spread and the odds of you surviving were very low?”

I am in the process of arranging to have surgery in the next week or two.  My oncologist said that given all the information she has, the odds that the cancer has not spread and will be removed totally when the section of colon containing the malignant masses is surgically removed is 80%.  But I think that no matter what they find when the cancer is removed and analyzed, I probably will continue to give the pathology report no meaning.

I have gotten to the point where I am no longer attached to things, including my life, and, at the same time, I am incredibly passionate about my family and my work and all that I still intend to do until the day I die.

Create meaning consciously

How can I possibly be passionate if I have stopped giving meaning to events?  One criticism that has been leveled at the idea of living without giving meaning to events is that people without emotions would be robots, automatons.  They would cease to be human, as we understand human.

To begin with, I am not arguing that people should live without emotions.  I am simple stating that it is not necessary to live with the emotions that result from the unconsciously- and automatically-created meaning in our minds.  You can if you want to.  But there is an alternative approach.   It is possible to consciously create meaning when you want to.

Here’s how.  In a game we pretend that something is more important than something else.  If you get a little white ball in a hole hundreds of yards away with less “strokes” than someone else, you “win.”  Getting certain cards “beats” someone with other cards.  Amassing more property with houses and hotels than everyone else in Monopoly enables you to accumulate all the money and “win the game.”

In every game we make up the rules and then pretend that they are the “right” way to play.  And here’s the important part: When we “win” we are excited; when we “lose” we are disappointed.  In “reality” nothing has changed.  Our relationships, our work, our wealth, etc. are all the same.  And yet we can be passionate when playing a game.

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It is possible to play life as a game.  It is possible to give meaning to your family, to your work, to anything you want to give meaning to. On some level you know that you made up the meaning, but while playing the game of life you experience it as real.  And when you do, you can experience joy or sadness.

The difference between consciously creating meaning and thinking the automatically- and unconsciously-created meaning is real is that you can choose to remember you are playing a game at any time.  When you think your meanings are real, you are at the effect of them.  When you know you consciously made them up, you are not.  (For more details about playing life as a game see an earlier post, http://www.mortylefkoe.com/life_is_a_game/.)

You don’t need meaning to act

Another common fallacy is the argument that you need to give meaning to events in order to be motivated to act.  You do not.  If you got fired from your job, you would not have to see it as a disaster to look for a new job.

In fact, by not giving meaning to events—thereby eliminating the possibility of stress and upset—you are able to think more clearly about the best possible action to take to deal with the events.  Moreover, I and many others whom I’ve trained to dissolve meaning automatically have found that when we dissolve the meaning we have given to events we see more possibilities for action than we had seen before.

If I discover that my cancer has spread and that I only have a 5% chance of survival past five years, even getting that information would have no meaning.  And yet I would research every possible allopathic and alternative treatment that might help me survive.  I would intend to be one of the surviving 5%.

(In the past couple of days since writing this we discovered that the cancer in my colon has metastasized and spread to my liver.  I now have fourth stage colon cancer.  As a result the surgery was cancelled and I will be starting chemotherapy in a couple of days. I am still not giving meaning to my condition.)

How to deal with a doctor’s diagnosis

I remember reading 28 years ago in Dr. Bernie Siegel’s book, Love, Medicine and Miracles: “Accept your doctor’s diagnosis; ignore the prognosis.”  In other words, if a doctor’s expert opinion is that you have a specific illness, you probably do (but not necessarily).  But doctors can never predict for certain what will happen to you as a result of the diagnosis.  I realized many years later that a diagnosis is the event; the prognosis is meaning.

I read Dr. Siegel’s comment long before I became able to automatically dissolve the meaning I unconsciously and automatically gave events all day long.

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You can do it too

My purpose of describing how I’ve reacted to the recent changes in my health is not to brag or to imply I am enlightened or better than anyone else.  I would not reacted for most of my life the way I have recently.  For most of my life I gave meaning to events 20 to 50 times a day like almost everyone else does and I was upset and anxious much of the time.  I am telling this story because I learned how to stop giving meaning to events so consistently that I don’t give even a cancer diagnosis any meaning.  And, as a result, I have felt no upset or anxiety since my oncologist’s initial concern about my low red blood cell count.

There is nothing I am able to do now that you can’t learn how to do too.

Courage is highly overrated

Several friends who I told about the events I’ve just described said that I was displaying incredible courage.  Actually I’m not showing any courage at all.  Courage is acting in the face of fear; acting in spite of fear; not letting fear stop you.  I am not experiencing fear, so my ability to calmly think about what to do next and move forward is not a display of courage.

My friends’ comments made me think: If you are going to feel fear, it’s good to have courage so your fear doesn’t stop you. We look up to and want to emulate heroes, people who act with courage.

But there is an alternative that’s even better than courage: Eliminate the meaning that causes the fear so that you don’t have to act despite experiencing it.  If you put people who show courage on a pedestal as people to emulate, then you are saying, implicitly, that if you want to be a hero it is important to have fear that you can overcome.  If you don’t feel fear, you can’t act in spite of it and show courage.

Praising courage is part of a bigger cultural issue that assumes life is going to be difficult and praises people who learn from their “inevitable” unhappiness, their pain, and their sorrow.  If your life is miserable, you might as well learn from it, but actually, none of those unpleasant feelings are inevitable.

“You must be in denial”

Not too long ago I asked a friend for advice after telling him about a business setback I had experienced.  He assumed I was very upset and when I told him I wasn’t, he replied: “If you aren’t upset in this situation, you are in severe denial.”

Most people are convinced that it is impossible to live without at least some suffering.  Everyone knows that certain situations, like having a severe business setback or a cancer diagnosis, have to result in upsetting emotions.  The best we can do is show courage.

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During the last year or so I have rarely experienced negative feelings of any kind; as a result I feel virtually no stress and no suffering.

My purpose of writing this post is to say the common assumption that suffering is necessary is wrong.  A cancer diagnosis or any other “undesirable” situation doesn’t have to be scary.  Events cannot cause stress; only your meaning can.  In fact, although you can’t always control the events in your life, you can totally control your experience of life.

I’ve written extensively on how to use the Lefkoe Freedom Process to dissolve occurrings.  See especially http://www.mortylefkoe.com/important-improve-life/ and http://www.mortylefkoe.com/what-they-seem-2/.  You can also view my TEDx talk, “How to Stop Suffering,” where I walk the viewer through the process for dissolving meaning: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMdVM-t5kFs.

 

Thanks for reading my blog.  Please post your questions or comments on how a cancer diagnosis does not have to result in anxiety and how we can control our experience of life.  Disagreement is as welcome as agreement. Your comments add value for thousands of readers.  I love to read them all and I will respond to as many as I can.

If you want to help your friends who want to understand how to stop suffering by learning how to stop giving meaning to events, please share this blog post with them by using the buttons located below.

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Published on September 23, 2020

6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

I don’t know about you, but many times when I hear the word negotiate I think of lawyers working out a business deal or having to do battle with a car salesman to try to get a lower price. Since I am in recruiting, the term “negotiation” comes up when someone is attempting to get a higher compensation package.

If we think about it, we tend to negotiate almost every day in a wide variety of things we do. Getting a handle on the important negotiation skills can be incredibly beneficial in many parts of our lives. Let’s take a look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

What is Negotiation?

First, let’s take a look at what negotiation is. Put simply, negotiation is a method by which people settle their differences. It is a process in which compromise or agreement can be reached without argument or dispute.

Anytime two people or sides disagree on something, they are almost always looking for the best possible outcome for their side. This could be from an individual’s perspective or someone representing an organization.

In reality, it’s rare that one side gets everything they want and the other side gets nothing that they are seeking. Seeking to reach a common ground of sorts where both sides feel like they are getting most of what they want is the key to being successful and maintaining the relationship.

Places We Negotiate

I’ve mentioned that we negotiate in just about all phases of our life. For those of you who are shaking your head no, I invite you to think about the following:

1. Work/Business

This one is the most obvious and it’s what naturally comes to mind when we think of the word “negotiate”.

When you first started at your current job, you might have asked for a higher salary. It could be that you delivered a huge new client to your company and used this as leverage in your most recent evaluation for more compensation. If you work with vendors (and just about every company does), maybe you worked them to a lower price or better contract terms.

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In recruiting, I negotiate with candidates and hiring managers all the time to land the best talent I can find. It’s very common to accept additional work with the (sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken) agreement that it will benefit your career in the future.

Recently, I took over a project that was my boss was working on so that I would be able to attend a conference later in the year. And so it goes, we do this all day long at work.

2. Personal

I don’t know about you, but I negotiate with my spouse all the time. I’ll cook dinner with the understanding that she does the dishes. Who wants to mow the lawn and who wants to vacuum and dust the house?

I think we should save 10% for retirement, but she thinks 5% is plenty. Therefore, we save 8%. And don’t even get me started with my kids. My older daughter can borrow my car as soon as she finishes her chores. My younger daughter can go hang out with her friends when her homework is done.

Then, there are all those interactions in our personal lives outside our homes. The carpenter wants to charge me $12,000 to build a new deck. I think $10,000 is plenty so we agree on $11,000. I ask my neighbor if I can borrow his snowblower in the winter if I invite him over the next time I grill steak. And so on.

3. Ourselves

You didn’t expect this one, did you? We negotiate with ourselves all day long.

I’ll make sure I don’t skip my workout tomorrow since I’m going to have that extra piece of pizza. My spouse has been quiet the last few days, is it worth me asking her about, or should I leave it alone? I think the car place charged me for some repairs that weren’t needed, should I say something or just let it go? I know my friend has been having some personal challenges, should I check in with him? We’ve been friends for a long time, I’m sure he’d come to me if he needed help. I’ve got the #4 pick in this year’s Fantasy Football draft, should I choose a running back or a wide receiver?

Think about that non-stop voice inside your head. It always seems to be chattering away about something and many times, it’s us negotiating with ourselves. I’ll finish up that report that the boss needs before I turn on the football game.

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Why Negotiation Skills Are So Important

Put simply, negotiation skills are important because we all interact with other people, and not only other people but other organizations and groups of people as well.

We all rarely want the same thing or outcome. Most of the time a vendor is looking at getting you to pay a higher price for something than you want to spend. Therefore, it’s important to negotiate to some middle ground that works well for both sides.

My wife and I disagree on how much to save for retirement. If we weren’t married it wouldn’t be an issue. We’d each contribute how much we wanted to on our retirement funds. We choose to be married, so we have to come to some agreement that we both feel comfortable with. We have to compromise. Therefore, we have to negotiate.

If we each lived on a planet by ourselves, we would be free to do just about anything we wanted to. We wouldn’t have to compromise with anyone because we wouldn’t interact with anyone. We would make every choice unilaterally the way we wanted to.

As we all know, this isn’t how things are. We are constantly interacting with other people and organizations, each one with their own agenda’s, viewpoints, and opinions. Therefore, we have to be able to work together.

6 Negotiation Skills to Master

Having strong negotiation skills helps us create win-win situations with others, allowing us to get most of what we want in conjunction with others around us.

Now, let’s look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

1. Preparation

Preparation is a key place to start with when getting ready to negotiate. Being prepared means having a clear vision of what you want and how you’d go about achieving it. It means knowing what the end goal looks like and also what you are willing to give to get it.

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It also means knowing who you are negotiating with and what areas they might be willing to compromise on. You should also know what your “bottom line” is. By “bottom line” I mean what is the most you are willing to give up to get what you want.

For instance, several years ago, I decided it was time to get a newer car. I say newer because I wanted a “new to me” car, not a brand new car. I did my research and figured out what type of car I wanted. I decided on what must-have items on the car I wanted, the highest amount of miles that would already be on it, the colors I was willing to get it in, and the highest amount of money I was willing to pay.

After visiting numerous car dealerships I was able to negotiate buying a car. I knew what I was willing to give up (amount of money) and what I was willing to accept, things like the color, amount of miles, etc. I came prepared. This is critical.

2. Clear Communication

The next key skill you need to be an effective negotiator is clear communication. You have to be able to clearly articulate what you want to the other party. This means both clear verbal and written communication.

If you can’t clearly tell the other person what you want, how do you expect to get it? Have you ever worked through something with a vendor or someone else only to learn of a surprise right at the end that wasn’t talked about before? This is not what you would call clear communication. It’s essential to be able to share a coherent and logical vision with the person you are working with.

3. Active Listening

Let’s do a quick review of active listening. This is when you are completely focused on the speaker, understand their message, comprehend the information, and respond appropriately. This is a necessary ingredient to be able to negotiate successfully. You must be able to fully focus on the other person’s wants to completely understand them.

If you aren’t giving them your full attention, you may miss some major points or details. This leads to frustration down the road on both sides. Ensure you are employing your active listening skills when in arbitration mode.

4. Teamwork and Collaboration

To be able to get to a place of common ground and a win-win scenario, you have to have a sense of teamwork and collaboration.

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If you are only thinking about yourself and what you want without giving much care to what the other person is wanting, you are bound to wind up without a solution. The other person may get frustrated and give up if they see you are unwilling to meet them halfway or care little for what they want.

When you collaborate, you are working together to help each other get what is most important to you. The other upside to negotiating with a sense of teamwork and collaboration is that it helps create a sense of trust, which, in turn, helps provide positive energy for working to a successful conclusion.

5. Problem Solving

Problem-solving is another key negotiation skill. When you are working with the other person to get the deal done many times you’ll face new challenges along the way.

Maybe you want a new vendor to provide training on the software they are selling you but they say it’s going to cost an additional $20,000 to provide this service. If you don’t have the additional $20,000 in the budget to spend on the software but you feel the training is critical, how are you going to solve that problem?

From what I’ve seen, most vendors aren’t willing to provide additional services without getting paid for them. This is where problem-solving skills will help continue the discussions. You might suggest to the vendor that your company will also be looking to replace their financial software next year, and you’d be happy to ensure they get one of the first seats at the table when the time comes if they could perhaps lower the pricing on their training.

There’s a solution to most challenges, but it takes problem-solving skills to work through them effectively.

6. Decision-Making Ability

Finally, having strong decision-making ability will help you seal the deal when you get to a place where everyone feels like they are getting what works for them. Each step of the way you can cross off the list when you get what you are looking for and decide to move onto the next item. Then, once you have all of your must-have boxes checked and the other side feels good about things, it’s time to shake hands and sign on the dotted line. Powerful decision-making ability will help you get to the finish line together.

Conclusion

There you have it, 6 effective negotiation skills to master to lead a more fulfilling life. Once we realize that we negotiate in one form or another almost every day in every phase of our lives, we realize how critical a skill it is.

Possessing strong negotiation skills will help you in nearly every one of your relationships at both the workplace and in your personal life. If you feel your arbitration tools could use some sharpening, try some of the 6 effective negotiation skills to master that we’ve talked about.

More Tips to Improve Your Negotiation Skills

Featured photo credit: Windows via unsplash.com

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