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The Real Rules of Attraction We Should Stop Neglecting

The Real Rules of Attraction We Should Stop Neglecting

What are the real rules of attraction? What governs the way we are inspired by, seek out and want to be close to other people? Much of society tells us it is how we look, how few wrinkles we have, how tall we are, how white our smile, how big our muscles, and how much money we have. But do these really form the basis of attraction? There is a secret to attraction (well, hopefully it’s not so much of a secret anymore) and a secret behind that secret. I’m going to share both with you.

The first secret to attraction is confidence. Many people are aware of this already. Confidence communicates to others that we are valuable, that we have something to offer. It is also attractive because many people want to feel more confident, and the easiest way to feel more confident is to have it reflected back to you by the company you keep. Confidence inspires people. A confident person can make those around them feel stronger by encouraging them to take some risks in the direction of their dreams. We all need more of that in our lives. But what is it that makes people confident?

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Here’s where the other secret comes in. We all want to be confident, but how? Can we just tell ourselves to be more confident? What if we act confident? How about those positive affirmations we can get from the internet and say a few of those every morning? Set our intention? The true secret to confidence is self-love. That’s right. It’s not bluster, cockiness, arrogance or Alpha behavior; it’s the warmth and care we provide for ourselves. Confidence is feeling secure with ourselves, with our true personality, with our quirks and weaknesses, and being fully human without hiding. For that, we need love. We all make multiple mistakes and show our full range of humanity, strong and weak, every day.

But what’s up with those affirmations? Well, affirmations can help, like setting your intention, but the problem is that many times we are masking an underlying lack of self-confidence by trying to talk ourselves into being more confident. It’s a band-aid, and it doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. To develop a stronger sense of self-love that stands the test of time and weathers life’s challenges, we need a sense of self-compassion that extends to our core. So we’re not trying so hard to feel better, we just do.

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To learn more about self-compassion, I recommend you interact with the wonderful work of Chris Germer and Kristin Neff. These two researchers have fleshed out what it takes to develop self-love from the inside out and have it at your core. Another reason self-compassion and confidence are attractive is because most of us get anxious and fearful about life. Self-compassion helps us weather the storm, and everyone needs that kind of reassurance that things are going to be okay. Self-compassion increases resilience in the way we deal with life. Resilience communicates to the lizard brain that we have a better chance of survival. We all want to survive, right? Ninety percent of our interactions with one another are unconscious, meaning we’re not aware of most of the information we’re picking up. Much of that information has to do with safety and security. Resilient people give off a sense of security, of stability, that calms others and makes them feel more secure as well. That’s attractive.

So, we’ve covered the true secrets behind attraction, the real rules that govern why others want to be near us and share life with us. Self-love and self-compassion have great benefits to us as individuals as well. The more we internalize a sense of self-care, the less stress we have, the better our immune system functions, and we can even live longer! There is also a lot of research on how a good relationship can improve all these areas–another reason to be attractive so we can find life partners. Attraction doesn’t stop after finding a mate; it’s a key component of keeping a relationship alive and secure. Learn about self-compassion and be a beacon of love all human moths out there want to flock to!

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One more tip about self-compassion. We develop it partly through our relationships, so don’t neglect relationship education for you and your partner! That’s where you’ll learn how to build a secure and fun partnership that can help build self-love into the core of your being.

Featured photo credit: Portrait of a beautiful blonde woman in autumn park/yanlev via 123rf.com

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Last Updated on September 12, 2019

12 Things You Should Remember When Feeling Lost in Life

12 Things You Should Remember When Feeling Lost in Life

Even the most charismatic people you know, whether in person or celebrities of some sort, experience days where they feel lost in life and isolated from everyone else.

While it’s good to know we aren’t alone in this feeling, the question still remains:

What should we do when we feel lost and lonely?

Here are 12 things to remember:

1. Recognize That It’s Okay!

The truth is, there are times you need to be alone. If you’ve always been accustomed to being in contact with people, this may prove difficult.

However, learning how to be alone and comfortable in your own skin will give you confidence and a sense of self reliance.

We cheat ourselves out of the opportunity to become self reliant when we look for constant companionship.

Learn how to embrace your me time: What Your Fear of Being Alone Is Really About and How to Get over It

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2. Use Your Lost and Loneliness as a Self-Directing Guide

You’ve most likely heard the expression: “You have to know where you’ve been to know where you’re going.”

Loneliness also serves as a life signal to indicate you’re in search of something. It’s when we’re in the midst of solitude that answers come from true soul searching.

Remember, there is more to life than what you’re feeling.

3. Realize Loneliness Helps You Face the Truth

Being in the constant company of others, although comforting sometimes, can often serve as a distraction when we need to face the reality of a situation.

Solitude cuts straight to the chase and forces you to deal with the problem at hand. See it as a blessing that can serve as a catalyst to set things right!

4. Be Aware That You Have More Control Than You Think

Typically, when we see ourselves as being lost or lonely, it gives us an excuse to view everything we come in contact with in a negative light. It lends itself to putting ourselves in the victim mode, when the truth of the matter is that you choose your attitude in every situation.

No one can force a feeling upon you! It is YOU who has the ultimate say as to how you choose to react.

5. Embrace the Freedom That the Feeling of Being Alone Can Offer

Instead of wallowing in self pity, which many are prone to do because of loneliness, try looking at your circumstance as a new-found freedom.

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Most people are in constant need of approval of their viewpoints. Try enjoying the fact that  you don’t need everyone you care about to support your decisions.

6. Acknowledge the Person You Are Now

Perhaps you feel a sense of loneliness and confusion because your life circumstances have taken you away from the persona that others know to be you.

Perhaps the new you differs radically from the old. Realize that life is about change and how we react to that change. It’s okay that you’re not who you used to be.

Take a look at this article and learn to accept your imperfect self: Accept Yourself (Flaws and All): 7 Benefits of Being Vulnerable

7. Keep Striving to Do Your Best

Often those who are feeling isolated and unto themselves will develop a defeatist attitude. They’ll do substandard work because their self esteem is low and they don’t care.

Never let this feeling take away your sense of worth! Do your best always and when you come through this dark time, others will admire how you stayed determined in spite of the obstacles you had to overcome.

And to live your best life, you must do this ONE thing: step out of your comfort zone.

8. Don’t Forget That Time Is Precious

When we’re lost in a sea of loneliness and depression, it’s all too easy to reflect on regrets of past life events. This does nothing but feed negativity and perpetuate the situation.

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Instead of falling prey to this common pitfall, put one foot in front of the other and acknowledge every positive step you take. By doing this, you can celebrate the struggles you overcome at the end of the day.

9. Remember, Things Happen for a Reason

Every circumstance we encounter in our life is designed to teach us and that lesson is in turn passed on to others.

Sometimes we’re fortunate enough to figure out the lesson to be learned, while other times, we simply need to have faith that if the lesson wasn’t meant directly for us to learn from, how we handled it was observed by someone who needed to learn.

Your solitude and feeling of lost, in this instance, although painful possibly, may be teaching someone else.

10. Journal During This Time

Record your thoughts when you’re at the height of loneliness and feeling lost. You’ll be amazed when you reflect back at how you viewed things at the time and how far you’ve come later.

This time (if recorded) can give you a keen insight into who you are and what makes you feel the way you feel.

11. Remember You Aren’t the First to Feel This Way

It’s quite common to feel as if we’re alone and no one else has ever felt this way before. We think this because at the time of our distress, we’re silently observing others around us who are seemingly fine in every way.

The truth is, we can’t possibly know the struggles of those around us unless they elect to share them. We ALL have known this pain!

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Try confiding in someone you trust and ask them how they deal with these feelings when they experienced it. You may be surprised at what you learn.

12. Ask for Help If the Problem Persists

The feeling of being lost and lonely is common to everyone, but typically it will last for a relatively short period of time.

Most people will confess to, at one time or another, being in a “funk.” But if the problem persists longer than you feel it should, don’t ignore it.

When your ability to reason and consider things rationally becomes impaired, do not poo poo the problem away and think it isn’t worthy of attention. Seek medical help.

Afraid to ask for help? Here’s how to change your outlook to aim high!

Final Thoughts

Loneliness and a sense of feeling lost can in many ways be extremely painful and difficult to deal with at best. However, these feelings can also serve as a catalyst for change in our lives if we acknowledge them and act.

Above anything, cherish your mental well being and don’t underestimate its worth. Seek professional guidance if you’re unable to distinguish between a sense of freedom for yourself and a sense of despair.

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Featured photo credit: Andrew Neel via unsplash.com

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