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5 Baneful Blessings that are Real Life Mentors

5 Baneful Blessings that are Real Life Mentors

No matter how much you are being plunged into all those earnest advises about life by the so-called experts, nothing can rescue you than Life itself. You must have cursed Life several times; when things have gone wrong, when you were not happy, or even you may have cursed someone just a second before he did something you never expected of him. Think for a moment and you will realize that all these real life baneful things changed you from what you were in the past.

Don’t react to my advise, but contemplate it, and see if you agree with the five baneful blessings of life that Life throws our way but become real life mentors.

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1. Rejection

There are moments in life when you, your work or even your thoughts have been rejected by someone. You very well know the pain you might have gone through because of rejection. And yet, there was a lesson in that rejection: self-belief. It was what you did after the hopeless moment of rejection that matters most in life. Many famous people, like Thomas Edison, Walt Disney, Oprah Winfrey, Paulo Coelho, have outgrown these baneful rejections. If the thoughts of previous rejection reflects a more strong individual in you now, Life has mentored you well.

2. Solitude

The state of living alone or feeling lonely is considered the worst condition in life. The fear of seclusion makes you go awry. In your upright busy schedule you try not to be left alone. Even the small time that is available during weekends is spent socializing with others, or watching TV, in spite of knowing the fact that all the best things available in the world had been conceptualized in a moment of solitude. Think of a time when life must have thrown you in seclusion, when you met your fear. You might be alone, all scared and afraid to do a certain thing by yourself. For example, when you entered a new college and had to leave all your school friends behind, or when you started a new job where there were no familiar faces. And yet you did your best and learned important lessons of life. Nothing can take the place of what solitude can teach you in life.

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3. Inferiority complex

The lack of self-worth or doubt in your abilities is the worst kind of situation you might go through in life. This inferiority complex might have crept in each of us at several points in life. The earliest sign of it in your life could have been when your parents criticized you for not living up to their expectations in school, in any competitive exam, or in your social circle. This baneful thing has taught you several lessons which are otherwise elusive. You learned the way to dress, the way to express yourself, even your updated knowledge about current affairs is a way to come out of this dogma of inferiority. This feeling of uncertainty about your weaknesses makes you focus more on your strong points. Self-confidence was the thing Life trained you in.

4. Altercations

We all try to dodge angry or heated arguments with our near and dear ones. You don’t wish to get hurt by others, and you don’t want to hurt them in return. But no matter how careful you are, altercations happen. And the worst thing is that you don’t feel as dreadful during an altercation as after it’s over. These altercations are a way of purging your sulking heart. They bring out all the pent up emotions that must have been stored in the past. And most will agree that an altercation reveals the true identity of the people involved. That is why lovers are brought closer and enemies become more distant after confrontations.

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5. An insidious clique

This is the most common way in which life teaches us a lot. You must have been surrounded by certain insidious or cunning people who depict themselves as your well-wishers. Initially they even might have convinced you to think so. But gradually you were able to see their true colors. Those that belong to this insidious clique will try to use you in the best of their opportunity until you realize they are just here to bring more harm to your life. Such a kind of group of people exist in your life to enlighten you more about Life; it helps to ensure you enter the outside world less gullible.

Having read the five baneful things, do you feel that any one of them acted as your life mentor or changed you from what you were in the past? If the answer is yes, and if the change was positive, you could very well rejoice for being a good learner and can say aloud the beautiful lines of a poem by H W Longfellow:

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Let Us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

Featured photo credit: Seascape/Marie Lespecier via flickr.com

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Last Updated on January 24, 2021

How to Say No When You Know You Say Yes Too Often

How to Say No When You Know You Say Yes Too Often

Do you say yes so often that you no longer feel that your own needs are being met? Are you wondering how to say no to people?

For years, I was a serial people pleaser[1]. Known as someone who would step up, I would gladly make time, especially when it came to volunteering for certain causes. I proudly carried this role all through grade school, college, even through law school. For years, I thought saying “no” meant I would disappoint a good friend or someone I respected.

But somewhere along the way, I noticed I wasn’t quite living my life. Instead, I seem to have created a schedule that was a strange combination of meeting the expectations of others, what I thought I should be doing, and some of what I actually wanted to do. The result? I had a packed schedule that left me overwhelmed and unfulfilled.

It took a long while, but I learned the art of saying no. Saying no meant I no longer catered fully to everyone else’s needs and could make more room for what I really wanted to do. Instead of cramming too much in, I chose to pursue what really mattered. When that happened, I became a lot happier.

And guess what? I hardly disappointed anyone.

The Importance of Saying No

When you learn the art of saying no, you begin to look at the world differently. Rather than seeing all of the things you could or should be doing (and aren’t doing), you start to look at how to say yes to what’s important.

In other words, you aren’t just reacting to what life throws at you. You seek the opportunities that move you to where you want to be.

Successful people aren’t afraid to say no. Oprah Winfrey, considered one of the most successful women in the world, confessed that it was much later in life when she learned how to say no. Even after she had become internationally famous, she felt she had to say yes to virtually everything.

Being able to say no also helps you manage your time better.

Warren Buffett views “no” as essential to his success. He said:

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

When I made “no” a part of my toolbox, I drove more of my own success, focusing on fewer things and doing them well.

How We Are Pressured to Say Yes

It’s no wonder a lot of us find it hard to say no.

From an early age, we are conditioned to say yes. We said yes probably hundreds of times in order to graduate from high school and then get into college. We said yes to find work, to get a promotion, to find love and then yes again to stay in a relationship. We said yes to find and keep friends.

We say yes because we feel good when we help someone, because it can seem like the right thing to do, because we think that is key to success, and because the request might come from someone who is hard to resist.

And that’s not all. The pressure to say yes doesn’t just come from others. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves.

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At work, we say yes because we compare ourselves to others who seem to be doing more than we are. Outside of work, we say yes because we are feeling bad that we aren’t doing enough to spend time with family or friends.

The message, no matter where we turn, is nearly always, “You really could be doing more.” The result? When people ask us for our time, we are heavily conditioned to say yes.

How Do You Say No Without Feeling Guilty?

Deciding to add the word “no” to your toolbox is no small thing. Perhaps you already say no, but not as much as you would like. Maybe you have an instinct that if you were to learn the art of no that you could finally create more time for things you care about.

But let’s be honest, using the word “no” doesn’t come easily for many people.

3 Rules of Thumbs for Saying No

1. You Need to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Let’s face it. It is hard to say no. Setting boundaries around your time, especially you haven’t done it much in the past, will feel awkward. Your comfort zone is “yes,” so it’s time to challenge that and step outside that.

If you need help getting out of your comfort zone, check out this article.

2. You Are the Air Traffic Controller of Your Time

When you want to learn how to say no, remember that you are the only one who understands the demands for your time. Think about it: who else knows about all of the demands in your life? No one.

Only you are at the center of all of these requests. You are the only one that understands what time you really have.

3. Saying No Means Saying Yes to Something That Matters

When we decide not to do something, it means we can say yes to something else that we may care more about. You have a unique opportunity to decide how you spend your precious time.

6 Ways to Start Saying No

Incorporating that little word “no” into your life can be transformational. Turning some things down will mean you can open doors to what really matters. Here are some essential tips to learn the art of no:

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1. Check in With Your Obligation Meter

One of the biggest challenges to saying no is a feeling of obligation. Do you feel you have a responsibility to say yes and worry that saying no will reflect poorly on you?

Ask yourself whether you truly have the duty to say yes. Check your assumptions or beliefs about whether you carry the responsibility to say yes. Turn it around and instead ask what duty you owe to yourself.

2. Resist the Fear of Missing out (FOMO)

Do you have a fear of missing out (FOMO)? FOMO can follow us around in so many ways. At work, we volunteer our time because we fear we won’t move ahead. In our personal lives, we agree to join the crowd because of FOMO, even while we ourselves aren’t enjoying the fun.

Check in with yourself. Are you saying yes because of FOMO or because you really want to say yes? More often than not, running after fear doesn’t make us feel better[2].

3. Check Your Assumptions About What It Means to Say No

Do you dread the reaction you will get if you say no? Often, we say yes because we worry about how others will respond or because of the consequences. We may be afraid to disappoint others or think we will lose their respect. We often forget how much we are disappointing ourselves along the way.

Keep in mind that saying no can be exactly what is needed to send the right message that you have limited time. In the tips below, you will see how to communicate your no in a gentle and loving way.

You might disappoint someone initially, but drawing a boundary can bring you the freedom you need so that you can give freely of yourself when you truly want to. And it will often help others have more respect for you and your boundaries, not less.

4. When the Request Comes in, Sit on It

Sometimes, when we are in the moment, we instinctively agree. The request might make sense at first. Or we typically have said yes to this request in the past.

Give yourself a little time to reflect on whether you really have the time or can do the task properly. You may decide the best option is to say no. There is no harm in giving yourself the time to decide.

5. Communicate Your “No” with Transparency and Kindness

When you are ready to tell someone no, communicate your decision clearly. The message can be open and honest[3] to ensure the recipient that your reasons have to do with your limited time.

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How do you say no? 9 Healthy Ways to Say “No”

    Resist the temptation not to respond or communicate all. But do not feel obligated to provide a lengthy account about why you are saying no.

    Clear communication with a short explanation is all that is needed. I have found it useful to tell people that I have many demands and need to be careful with how I allocate my time. I will sometimes say I really appreciate that they came to me and for them to check in again if the opportunity arises another time.

    6. Consider How to Use a Modified No

    If you are under pressure to say yes but want to say no, you may want to consider downgrading a “yes” to a “yes but…” as this will give you an opportunity to condition your agreement to what works best for you.

    Sometimes, the condition can be to do the task, but not in the time frame that was originally requested. Or perhaps you can do part of what has been asked.

    Final Thoughts

    Beginning right now, you can change how you respond to requests for your time. When the request comes in, take yourself off autopilot where you might normally say yes.

    Use the request as a way to draw a healthy boundary around your time. Pay particular attention to when you place certain demands on yourself.

    Try it now. Say no to a friend who continues to take advantage of your goodwill. Or, draw the line with a workaholic colleague and tell them you will complete the project, but not by working all weekend. You’ll find yourself much happier.

    More Tips on How to Say No

    Featured photo credit: Chris Ainsworth via unsplash.com

    Reference

    [1] Science of People: 11 Expert Tips to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Start Doing You
    [2] Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Tips to Get Over Your FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out
    [3] Cooks Hill Counseling: 9 Healthy Ways to Say “No”

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